As the crowds gather around the coffin of Jimmy Savile, the rumours that have been kept so secret from the general public by the BBC and others, may one day hopefully come out into the open. His abuse at children’s homes in Jersey are well known to many even though Savile always denied everything.

For such a man to be revered and deemed a saint by the whole country is a sickening sight to behold, and may his cover behind charity one day come to light.

Not only was Savile an abuser but he was fully protected by the powers in charge of entertainment.

Savile was a sick individual who despite being given a hero’s sendoff will hopefully rot in hell. The Devil will fix it for you Jimmy.

The Daily Squib is proud to present its guide on surviving the winter.

The average power bill has now soared to £25,975 a year with gas rises averaging 45 per cent and ­electricity almost 73 per cent.

Yet there are still ways you can save money…

GO TO PRISON

“Committing a crime can save your life this winter. At least you’ll get four hot meals and central heating on 24 hours a day,” says Joel Shamone of MoneySuperCronies.com

Depending on the crime you commit, your stay in prison could last longer. If you, for example, do a bout of shoplifting, you might get a day in a heated comfortable prison with playstations and numerous entertainment.

If, however you commit a murder or two, you could get as much as six months or a year in a fully heated, luxury jail with daily courses, full size snooker tables, playstations and large themed parties.

Or better still, don’t pay your electricity or gas bills. You’re sure to do a stretch for ten or fifteen years then.

EMIGRATE PERMANENTLY

If you live abroad where the sun shines, you will never have the problem of freezing in the winter hell of Britain ever again. You can lie in the sun every day and not just a period of six days throughout the whole summer in the UK.

SELL EVERYTHING YOU OWN ON EBAY

You could easily pay for heating yourself and your family this winter by selling your every possession including your car — unless you’re a tramp and don’t have much anyway. By selling all your worldly goods, you would be able to afford the energy bills.

Another positive point about selling all your stuff, is that you would also free up a lot of space in your house, but you would probably have to sell that as well, so nevermind.

DIE

By being dead you would not have to pay anymore electricity or gas bills ever again.

Speaking from the Ministry of Energy, Mr Norman Hope, said: “This winter, the energy companies have increased their prices so high that you’ll need a second mortgage just to put on a bit of heat in your hovels. It’s not just you, the plebiscite, who are in trouble though, we’ve had to also switch off the light at the end of the tunnel. It’s a sad business but when there’s no light at the tunnel, it’s going to get bloomin’ dark.”

Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne, was however, defiant about his Plan A strategy of increasing taxation and reducing wages:

“The Coalition government never needed a light at the end of a tunnel. We’ve always been flailing around in the dark anyway, and we shall continue to do so for a very long time.”

As ordinary Britons freeze in their grey squalid back to back homes, the energy companies wallow in the huge surplus cash they have amassed by increasing prices to impossible heights on the premise of ‘green energy’ and greed.