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New Plastic War Memorials For War Heroes

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Across Britain, thousands of metal thieves have stolen copper, iron and lead memorial plaques and statues to melt down and sell to scrap yards for cash.

“These are mainly Eastern European gangs who were let in with the government’s open door immigration policy for the UK. They take any metals they can find then sell them off for cash,” councillor Graham Chubb, for Camden council told the Daily Mail newspaper.

The new plastic and rubber memorials will be produced cheaply and will be worth nothing to the thieves.

“I think we should have a few veterans standing by the memorials with a Lee-Enfield or Bren gun, shoot the buggers when they turn up in their vans,” Raymond Chandler, 87, a former paratrooper told the Sun.

Ashton Kutcher Grounded

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According to Hollywood insiders, the reason for Kutcher’s silence and disappearance for the last couple of weeks is because his mother grounded him and told him to stay in his room.

“We heard she even took away his computer. Poor little bastard is now stuck in his room with only his books and a few toys. She also took away his cell phone,” Artie Rizzo, a long time friend of Kutcher told TMZ.

It’s not only affecting his social life but his work as well. On the set of ‘Two and a Half Men’ there has been no sign of Kutcher, and producers are getting anxious.

Speaking from the series’ studios, producer Hymie Rosenblatz, said: “This guy’s worse than that other loser, Charlie Sheen, why can’t you get reliable fuckin’ actors anymore? We paid this Kutcher dude bucket loads of cash, for what? He’s grounded you say? What the hell, I’m going to go to that guy’s house and ground him for sure, make him into friggin’ ground beef.”

Wall Street Bankers Arrested in Dawn Raid

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The office of New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg said the bankers should “permanently leave” the street and give back all the money the stole. Reporters said hundreds of police were mobilising around the street and that the eviction of the spivs was in progress.

Police spokesman, John Jenkem, said the city, issued eviction orders to the bankers saying the street would be cleared of “scum sucking leech bankers” after 1am (0600 GMT).

Jenkem said 150 bankers had been arrested for drinking champagne and waving wads of money around as well as resisting arrest.

“These goddamn bankers. They’re the reason the world is up shit creek, and today we arrested a bunch of them. It’s time justice was done for a change. Why should the people have to pay for these scum to live the high life? Hmm hmm, not anymore folks, it’s bye bye time for them,”chief of police, Arnold Kolic, told the New York Times.

The bankers who were cited as creating the world recession were however unrepentant about finally being arrested for their crimes.

“F*ck all of you. It’s our right to be paid and your right to be slaves to us. That’s just the way it is and nothing can change in this system that we created in the first place,” Joel Silverstein, an investment banker at Goldman Suchs said before being driven to prison in a limousine.

Greeks Told to Speak German From Now On

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It’s out with the manic Greek hand waving and kebabs and in with the umlaut and schnitzels.

“The Greeks need to be more efficient. There will be no more finishing work at 2.30 pm and going to the cafe. You will actually have to work and pay tax. You will retire at 65 and not 45 as is the custom with your heavily subsidised jobs. Also, there will have to be pay cuts and no more of these EU subsidised salaries of 65,000 euros per year for cleaners who only work four hours a day, two days a week,” Hans Reichstag, told Bild magazine.

The Greek people will have to be more Germanic in their outlook and adopt the German language in all schools, books and road signs.

“We have to integrate the Greeks to serve us when we come to their beaches for holidays. By not speaking German, people and businesses can get an immediate EU fine of 3000 euros. The fines alone would be a serious deterrent to speaking Greek,” another EU official said.

On Thursday this week EU directive C123/65 will come into force and the Greek language will be outlawed.

“We already have the Greeks speaking German, and we will integrate the whole of Europe to speak one language. This way, we will all be truly integrated as one EU entity,” Fritzel Scheissedurgen, a senior EU official said on Sunday night.

Hipster Disease Infecting Thousands in UK

“Have you seen the hipsters. They look like dickheads and are a laughingstock,” a man at an East London bus stop quipped as he waited for the next bus.

One thing about the hipsters is that they are not violent, unlike their opposites – the chavs. Instead, a hipster, may have some rough looking tats but would rather prefer a night in knitting a low-cut vest as opposed to kicking someone’s face in outside an off-licence like their chav counterparts.

Hipsters like to think they’re cool and unique, but all seem to dress in exactly the same way as each other with exactly the same accessories and uniform as each other as well as adopting the exact same mannerisms and have-to-pee poses.

Modern hipsters are a subverted version of the 1940s US subculture, and the perversion of the original version has suddenly cropped up over in the UK recently. These corporate arseholes are essentially a creation of the social networks, conglomerate fashion outlets, and ad agencies; a fucked up version of myspacers and Glee enthusiasts mixed up in a bucket of Gap clothes, Tumblr and shit Eighties sunglasses with beards and t-shirts silk-screened quoting movies they have probably never heard of or ever seen.

The male ones wear similar hipster uniforms to the female versions, and most of the time it is quite hard to tell the difference between the two sexes. There is certainly a high level of effeminacy with the males of the hipster species, with their long flowing scarves and stockings and tweaky bumfluff moustaches.

Hipsters do affirm to a version of jackass geek chic and love to wear glassless NHS style glasses to look more intelligent, even though they have probably never even read a single book let alone some obscure 1960s beat poetry.

“These people are a waste of space and should be exterminated. They make me ill. I want to strangle them,” an anti-hipster person told the BBC last night.

Surely all this hipster hate is unjustified.

All we can say is bring back the chavs. Anything is better than this shite. Actually, scratch that thought, they’re both as bad as each other.

Mr Clean to Get Second Term

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“America is a big country, and the Republicans could only come up with a black man who sexually molests white women, two dunces and a crazed creationist psychopath woman to be contenders. Come on, you could put a donkey to run against them and have it win,” a disgruntled Republican ex-voter told the Baltimore Sun.

One must then look at Barack Obama, who is a stark contrast to the motley crew of losers gunning for the GOP crown. Mr Obama has not had one single scandal or mishap during his rather sterile presidency. The Republicans and Teabaggers have tried with all of their might to sully the star of Obama, from Muslim smears, birth certificates, to issues about his penchant for vacationing. Nothing has stuck, and even his wife’s incredible spending sprees of taxpayer funded holidays could not dent the Obama second term bid.

“Obama will get a second term because he has to finish what he started and the people will let him. America needs someone like him to take from the stinking rich, who take everything and give nothing to society, and he’s going to smash those people in his second term. Obama is a good guy, look what he has done to Israel, they are no longer pulling all the strings, making American soldiers die for that place. Too much American blood has been spilled for their former master, Israel, and it is time to cut that entity loose. Let them fend for themselves for a change. No one likes that psychotic babbling buffoon Netenyahu. As for the Jewish lobby in America, they are extremely powerful and are endemic to every facet of society and organisation, but Obama can still win without their support, because the people will vote for him. The greed and corruption by these groups has encircled and strangled America for too long, like an evil octopus parasite sucking the life out of the American people, let us hope this beast can be tossed aside and thrown to the dogs,” Harold Johnson, a Capitol Hill political commentator told CBS.

Barack Obama’s first term has been one of restraint, but when he gains his second term; there will be none. There will be a lot of work to be done in the four years after re-election and he will make sure that America is downsized and integrated more with the rest of the world. America will be forced to adopt the socialist method of Europe with Marxist undertones and a reduced eco emission culture.

The United States is not sustainable within the world and if it carries on with its current state as extreme polluter and waster of earth’s resources, it will finish the earth. This is why Obama has stepped up to the plate to tame this greedy behemoth warmongering nation and bring it down like an Indian brings down a bison.

“The native Americans shall have the land back one day. The lands that were lost when the invaders came and destroyed everything. The invaders do not know how to give back, they only take. One day this will be their undoing,” Chief Mondalkni, of the Klamuth tribe told an Oregon radio station.

Gordon Brown to Save the World Again

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“I did it last time and I can do it again,” the deluded former PM told a fellow tramp in an alleyway on some grey Scottish street.

You see, since his high flying days as unelected chief in charge of everything, poor Mr Brown has been rather in the dumps. He was eventually kicked out of his home by his long-suffering wife Sarah, and has since been drifting along the streets of Kirkcaldy getting drunk on Special Brew and anything else he can find. Mr Brown, as a homeless tramp, is usually rude to passers-by and has an offensive smell about him that draws complaints from the local people.

The current prime minister, David Cameron, is however, in absolute desperation and plans to enlist Mr Brown’s ‘expertise’ in economic technique, and wants him to become a key adviser to the Treasury, maybe showing new boy Georgie, a thing or two.

“No doubt, we’re in a right old mess. We need to go back to square one and find out what the real root of this economic hell is. Well, I immediately thought of old Broon, and got one of our detectives to search him out from the wilderness. Obviously, from what I’ve heard, he stinks to high heaven and has probably not washed in months, but once we hose the fucker down, hopefully he’ll be able to get back to work in saving the world from certain economic disaster,” David Cameron told the BBC on Tuesday.

Mr Brown, during his premiership, proclaimed to have saved the world no less than three times, and hopefully he can do the same this time around as well.

If You Want a Job Go to China or India

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“I have travelled thousands of miles from Manchester, England to Rajasthan, India, just to get a job. Our British companies have outsourced all manufacturing and IT jobs here, so this is the only way I could actually get a job,” David Arnette, an IT worker, who will take a 70% pay cut to work in India told the Evening Standard.

With the politicians in the US and UK both railing on about the lack of jobs created by industry, who is to blame for this fiasco?

“If you buy a computer in the US, you can rest assured that pretty much every component of that machine was manufactured and assembled in China, where the Communist regime uses slave labour. If, however, that same computer was manufactured in the US or UK, be prepared to add on 120% to the price, because it would mean the company who designs these machines would have to pay people proper living wages in the West. This is unsustainable, because the cost of living in the West is not sustainable with the rest of the world. Therefore, the only solution to this is that jobs in the West reduce the salaries of workers to that of China or India. One must understand that we doubt very much that that could ever happen, because as I mentioned earlier, people need more to live in the West. Either you go to India and live there for a pittance or stay in the West without a job, it’s your choice,” CEO of IBM computer, Brad Malnick, told the Economist magazine.

The British and American welfare system is another major problem for economic growth because there is no impetus to work if you are being paid to not do anything. Until the welfare system of the US and UK are cut and manufacturing is re-introduced to these countries, there will not be growth, but instead a serious decline in social, economic and moral conditions.

Key workers in the West, where jobs are now very scarce, are now dreaming of a move East so that they can get a poorly paid job in overcrowded cities with high levels of pollution.

“It’s either that or starve over here. I’ve got a family to feed. That’s why I’m leaving to go to Shanghai tomorrow to work for a pittance,” Bruce Anderson, an engineer from Reading, England told the BBC.

The Chinese, sensing the exodus of workers from the West, now want every foreigner to pay £18,000 per annum just to work in China, they therefore do not want foreign workers coming and taking their jobs.

Until the West stops outsourcing its manufacturing and IT to the East and brings those jobs back, there will be high unemployment and poor growth in the West. That is the bare bones of the problem, and if the politicians cannot see that, they must be blind or in serious denial.

The French Surrender Easily But Will the British?

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The French government is now a puppet government of Germany, much like the Vichy government of World War II, and Nicolas Sarkozy, has effectively killed off France’s sovereign status. This time, however, there is no Charles de Gaulle left to denounce the Vichy Sarkozy government, instead, France has been completely left to the dogs, as surrender monkeys go, the French are now a defeated people.

“It is funny how there is little or no resistance to the EU from France. At least in World War II, there were little pockets of resistance helping the Allied forces against the Nazis, however, now these do not even exist. We French have basically surrendered once again to the might of Germany, without one single shot being fired. The question I would like to ask is, will le ros boeufs do the same? They have the Channel separating Britain from the European mainland, and that is the deciding factor. Can the Fascistic spirit of the EU jump across that body of water and infect Britain to the point of complete cowardly surrender, as the French and others have done? Is it possible?” Jean Pierre Francois, a political science lecturer at the Sorbonne told Le Figaro on Friday.

Europe’s seventeen capitulated former nations are now isolating Britain, not only in trade but in political doctrine. Either Britain succumbs to the fasci rods of Europe, as they are brought tighter and tighter, or they stay well out of the unholy union and suffer economic instability and denial of business.

The spendthrift Greeks tried to fight their corner with a referendum which has now been cancelled, and they are already lost, beaten by the mountain of debt they racked up so willingly. This debt tool for acquisition is, of course, a very well used technique throughout history, but it seems greed got the better of the profligate Greeks, and now they are going to pay with their former country to a life of abject slavery to their Germanic masters.

Britain also has been denied a referendum on the EU, not by Brussels but by its own so-called leaders like Cameron and Clegg, who will in the near future try to bring Britain into the Eurozone by implicit cowardice and deceit.

The French, during World War II, sipped coffee while the German soldiers used their country as a holiday resort, and their salopes readily welcomed German soldiers into their waiting arms as the trucks of French Jewish children were being publicly paraded through the streets en route to German extermination camps.

Lest we forget that the white cliffs of Dover are a symbol to the defeated French. In other words, ‘F*ck Off’ mes amis, take your garlic and shove it where the sun don’t shine.

Monica Lewinsky Never Interned For Herman Cain

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Ms Lewinsky was filmed exiting his tour bus in Calumet City, Illinois, where Mr Cain was campaigning.

Speaking to news reporters at the scene, Mr Cain, said: “I did not have sexual harrasments with that woman. Shiiet, she was just chompin’ on my cigar. We were drinkin’ forties and smokin’ blunts man. Yeah, and then I got her to lick my pizza.”

Mr Cain who is currently leading many polls, is also under threat from unidentified women who are claiming sexual harrasment from his days as a pizza boy.

“It’s kind of funny that this guy gets Lewinskied as soon as he starts racking up some serious poll numbers and could win the election. Those white boys sure got it in fo’ him. Let me see, someone don’t like a real black man getting up there. I’m going to play the race card, put it on the table and show you all up,” Mr Cain’s assistant, Ruth Forcer, told Fox news.