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Sally Bercow Now Living in Caravan After Leaving Husband For Gypsy

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Mrs Bercow has thrown away the keys to the Palace of Westminster for her new man Paddy McMahoney’s decrepit caravan.

The doting couple met on the Channel 5 show ‘When Paddy Met Sally’ in June and have since been seeing each other.

“John was a boring midget. I told him to shove that tacky coat of arms up his arse, and as I’m such a fame whore, I knew that his days as House Speaker were numbered, so I moved in with a real man with more fame,” Sally told the Sun.

Paddy McMahoney, who likes to have bare-knuckle fist fights daily in the caravan site, said: “I’ll have a few punch up sessions with the boys in the afternoon, then go to my caravan and give Sally’s box a good boxing workout. I’ve heard her husband wants her back, but if he wants her, let him come over here and fight me for her. Of course, they can film that too.”

Scientists Prove That All Religious Books Are Man-Made Nonsense

The scientists, headed by Doctor Julius Sanreso, welcomed the research findings and said that it would be in the interests of those who believe in such nonsense as organised religion or creationism to accept the fact that religious books were written by men as a control system.

“Just think for one second, if ‘God’ or a ‘messenger of God’ had written that particular religious book/bible, how come the writings only occur within a very limited period in human history? Also, consider the fact, that a human writing on a piece of paper, or a few pieces of paper, is not the word of ‘God’. If they were really written by a universal God or entity, the books would not be limited to some pre-medievel costume drama but would encompass all universality, history, the future and science. Language is something created by man, not an all-seeing, all encompassing entity. God would presumably be universal and timeless as well as all-knowing, as is the universe, therefore these man-written books and scriptures, are just that, man-written linguistically created nonsense used to control men and women thousands of years ago. Why would ‘God’ write anything anyway? One must consider the fact that, even now, there are religious zealots and ordinary people still entrenched in a control belief system that is so far removed from reality that it borders on madness. There is no rational or scientific way that organised religions can have a modicum of truth or factual reality because of the very reason that these books are entombed in the time that they were written. These books should therefore simply be viewed as limited parables and historical fiction, as well as a lesson in how millions of people can be so easily controlled.”

The research paper also came to the conclusion that reward/punishment religions, as control systems, were losing their grip on most of the population of the world and only a few die-hard fanatics and delusional maniacs were carrying on with the flame of idiocy.

“The game is up for all religions, how long can this sham carry on, with their ridiculous outdated ceremonies? The priests are deceivers, and they need to come up with some pretty radical solutions to their thousand year old magic trick. People aren’t as dumb or easily swayed as they used to be thousands of years ago, they actually have reasoning powers and can see through the utter nonsense of organised control systems like religion.”

The problem for the world’s political leaders, is that slowly, humans who were controlled for so many years by fictitious writings through generational brainwashing from infancy, may suddenly lose their controlled ‘faith’. This could be quite dangerous, because it would mean that these people would suddenly wake up and realise that they have been fooled for so long by being communally hypnotised.

“We must ensure that the people who have been fooled for so long by fictitious belief systems utilised to control humans do not get too angry when they realise that what they believe in is nonsense written by humans utilising human created language. This could be dangerous for society, so we must either let them carry on believing their fiction or try to somehow support them when they realise the truth,” Dr Sanreso said.

Clarkson Sentenced to Death by BBC Firing Squad

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“He’s a gonner, poor bastard, we’ll grant him his last wish, then it will be farewell to the car worshipping loud mouth git,” Director general of the BBC, Ogilvie Hyams, announced.

Mr Clarkson, will be led out into the famous courtyard of the BBC building in White City, where a group of old grannies and simpering, easily offended poncey Radio Times readers, as well as striking public sector workers will get out some pea shooters and shoot Mr Clarkson.

The shooting gallery will be flanked by hundreds of angry striking overpaid public sector union bosses, who will jeer at Mr Clarkson and wave wads of taxpayer’s cash at him.

“It should be an all together interesting televisual feast, and I am sure our viewers will love the spectacle of Mr Clarkson being humiliated by a bunch of overpaid, useless, public sector c*nts,” an overpaid, useless, BBC sub-sub-manager of paperclips and staplers, said from his luxury taxpayer funded Notting Hill flat.

Gay Sharks Cruising World's Oceans

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“We’ve seen gay sharks swimming, and even though they sway and shimmy around in the water, they still manage to eat their prey. They especially like to eat gay penguins,” Alonso Jacintes, marine biologist at Seaworld’s research institute in Florida disclosed in a new study on gay sharks.

Marine biologists attract the sharks to their boat’s vicinity by playing sonar versions of music from Erasure and Pet Shop Boys, where they can study their subjects better.

“We play the songs and they start coming in droves, some of the Great White’s actually have pinkish coloured fins and they flop around in the water to the music. It’s absolutely delightful to watch,” Anne Herchinger, one of the biologists working on the project revealed.

Florida’s famous Seaworld water park is vying to capture a few gay sharks for a water extravaganza that will entice tourists and Seaworld enthusiasts from all over the world.

A spokesman from the world famous sea resort said: “These will be real gay sharks and not dolphins. I have to say, dolphins are so last season. We’re getting the Shark Cabaret ready right now, as well as a gay shark parade and you should see the gay shark butt feeding frenzy. The sharks will also be dressed in specially designed flamboyant and butch clothing, very similar to Liberaci’s fabulous costumes and Chaz Bono’s style.”

Newt Gingrich Opens New Jersey Maggot Farm

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“I just opened a maggot farm, some people say I kinda look like a maggot, I certainly act like one, but that’s neither here, nor there. I’m counting on all y’all to vote for me soon,” Mr Gingrich told CBS news as he opened up the new maggot farm in the Trenton Mercer Industrial Park, New Jersey area.

The maggot farm’s proprieter, Ed Relnick, was pleased that the Republican candidate made a stop at his farm: “They came here in the morning with their entourage. When Gingrich stepped off his tour bus, I just said, shiiet, that boy looks like one of my maggots, his whole head looks like a maggot head. I just thought it was so appropriate. Before he left, I gave him a box of my best maggots, and he said he liked the look of them maggots. He’s gonna win the Republican primaries for sure. We’re gonna have a maggot as our new president, same as the other maggots huh.”

Currently, Newt Gingrich is up there as the leading Republican candidate for the presidential race in 2012 after Herman Caine was retired, due to his tendancy to allegedly molest bucketloads of white women, and then coolly deny everything.

Benefits Bonanza Means Increase in 3D TV Sales

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Sales of 3D TVs, Playstations and jacuzzis are set to increase because of the Chancellor’s generous benefits increase.

“This means that I can get that 56 inch 3D TV I’ve had my eye on for a couple of months. We’ve got all the gadgets at home and thanks to Georgie boy, we’re going to get the latest stuff,” Robbie Munter, 25, from Disley, Cheshire, told the BBC.

There were cheers felt in all benefits offices across the country as people queuing up for their giro heard the wonderful news.

No More Riots

Tracy Hodkins, 35, who has never had a job in her life was absolutely delighted with the wonderful news: “It means more booze for me and my kids. We might even go to the South of France for another taxpayer funded holiday. Thank you from the bottom of my arse, you taxpayers are lovely. I’ve just got one of my boyfriends to dump my old 67 inch plasma screen in the garden, so I can get the latest thing, innit.”

PC World/Curries and Argos have already seen a huge increase in orders for high end electronic items as well as gadgets.

“As soon as there’s an increase in benefits payments like this latest windfall payment by George Osborne, we notice a massive increase in sales of top items like 3D TVs etc. It is indeed good to see that these people are giving back to the economy. In essence, the taxpayer funds them to stay at home and watch their tellies, drink booze and smoke loads of weed all day and night. The taxpayer pays them to pay us. So, it is really good for the economy,” Keith Beattie, Managing Director of electronics firm, PC World, told industry magazine, Commerce Weekly.

Union Boss Calls Strikes So He Can Keep £800,000 Pension

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Speaking from the Bahamas, Bob Vulture was on a yachting trip around the island and said to a BBC reporter: “I want all my union members to strike for me. You won’t get paid to strike, whereas, I always get paid, suckers. You all need to rise up comrades because these people in government are now threatening to take away my diamond plated £800,000 yearly pension and expenses. You must all donate to ‘our’ cause immediately.”

Claridges

Mr Vulture, who commands a huge yearly salary of £700,000, as well as an unlimited expense account, is furious that the Coalition government is now trying to halt another massive hike in public sector pay.

Champagne

The Socialist Marxist Worker’s Consortium’s deputy, Ronnie Anus, praised Mr Vulture’s speech: “Comrades, we need to defend our unlimited expense accounts, paid for by the taxpayer. Bob Vulture is an inspiration to all of us. One day, I too, would like to have a job like that c*nt, who works one day a week, takes ten holidays a year, and lives the life of Riley on a huge salary. We just need someone to shoehorn the f*cker out of the job, maybe another Worker’s Revolution. More champagne please, we’re not all in this together.”

Henry Kissinger: “If You Can’t Hear the Drums of War You Must Be Deaf”

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Speaking from his luxurious Manhattan apartment, the elder statesman, Henry Kissinger, who will be 89 in May, is all too forward with his analysis of the current situation in the world forum of Geo-politics and economics.

“The United States is baiting China and Russia, and the final nail in the coffin will be Iran, which is, of course, the main target of Israel. We have allowed China to increase their military strength and Russia to recover from Sovietization, to give them a false sense of bravado, this will create an all together faster demise for them. We’re like the sharp shooter daring the noob to pick up the gun, and when they try, it’s bang bang. The coming war will be so severe that only one superpower can win, and that’s us folks. This is why the EU is in such a hurry to form a complete superstate because they know what is coming, and to survive, Europe will have to be one whole cohesive state. Their urgency tells me that they know full well that the big showdown is upon us. O how I have dreamed of this delightful moment.”

“Control oil and you control nations; control food and you control the people.”

Mr Kissinger then added: “If you are an ordinary person, then you can prepare yourself for war by moving to the countryside and building a farm, but you must take guns with you, as the hordes of starving will be roaming. Also, even though the elite will have their safe havens and specialist shelters, they must be just as careful during the war as the ordinary civilians, because their shelters can still be compromised.”

After pausing for a few minutes to collect his thoughts, Mr Kissinger, carried on: “We told the military that we would have to take over seven Middle Eastern countries for their resources and they have nearly completed their job. We all know what I think of the military, but I have to say they have obeyed orders superlatively this time. It is just that last stepping stone, i.e. Iran which will really tip the balance. How long can China and Russia stand by and watch America clean up? The great Russian bear and Chinese sickle will be roused from their slumber and this is when Israel will have to fight with all its might and weapons to kill as many Arabs as it can. Hopefully if all goes well, half the Middle East will be Israeli. Our young have been trained well for the last decade or so on combat console games, it was interesting to see the new Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3 game, which mirrors exactly what is to come in the near future with its predictive programming. Our young, in the US and West, are prepared because they have been programmed to be good soldiers, cannon fodder, and when they will be ordered to go out into the streets and fight those crazy Chins and Russkies, they will obey their orders. Out of the ashes we shall build a new society, a new world order; there will only be one superpower left, and that one will be the global government that wins. Don’t forget, the United States, has the best weapons, we have stuff that no other nation has, and we will introduce those weapons to the world when the time is right.”

End of interview. Our reporter is ushered out of the room by Kissinger’s minder.

Update: We revisited Mr Kissinger in 2018 for a follow up interview.

Prince Harry’s First Apache Mission Over Pakistan a Success

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Speaking from his base, the proud prince Harry said: “I bagged a load of pakis today. My trigger finger just kept pumping those bastards into oblivion. It was fucking beautiful.”

“My step-dad was a Muslim so I just wanted to give something back to the ragheads, like a few 50 caliber bullets, innit,” Harry added.

Prince Harry even took time to go for a round of drinks before his first mission, and was said to have downed a jug of vodka, three pints of gin and sixteen bottles of lager.

“I’ve never seen flying like that. He swooped so low you could see the whites in the eyes of the terrified Pakistanis. It was like shooting fish in a barrel,” Harry’s co-pilot, flight lieutenant, Richard Moorcroft, told the Telegraph.

Prince Harry was meant to be greeted by his father as he returned from his first mission. However, James Hewitt was not available, so Prince Charles was sent instead.

Banker Sacked For Getting a Conscience

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This is an increasing problem amongst banking institutions where bankers suddenly start to think about what they are doing, and something they thought they never had suddenly crops up — a conscience.

“I’ve seen it in so many institutions. Suddenly they realise that what they are doing is an inherently evil act which hurts millions of people. Sometimes they just jolt up in their office chair and start crying or look around and simply walk out of the room,” resident psychologist for investment firm, JNC Paribas told Investment Weekly.

Many firms are now sacking bankers who get a conscience, and are trying to vet new employees so that they only employ the most psychotic.

“You can’t have bankers with a conscience. Are you kidding me? It would be like having an executioner with a conscience, they’d let everyone off. I sacked two of them yesterday, I had asked them to strip the assets of millions of people for profit, they hesitated for too long, so I cut the fuckers out. They’re gone, they’re history, they can go and swim with the rest of the scum on main street,” Stanley Weisenstein, head of corporate acquisitions at Warburg Murther and Pascoe in New York told the FT.