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Argies Think It's 1982 All Over Again

Francis Bakewell
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Argies Think It's 1982 All Over Again

“Argentina’s posturing over the British Falkland Isles is the equivalent of Morocco trying to claim the Canary Islands. Just because something is near something else, does not mean it is yours. One thing the Argies don’t know is that we’ve got quite a lot of nuclear subs in that region and we can flatten Argentina if we so wish. So back off you Argies, unless you want to meet your pals at the bottom of the sea in their Belgrano coffin,” an angry Falkland islander told the Penguin News.

The Argentinians have been smarting about the Falkland Islands recently after British oil exploration company Rockhopper discovered a massive oil reserve just off the coast of the Falklands causing its share price to shoot up.

Argentinian president, Cristina Fernández de Kirchner, has been spreading her good cheer about the Falklands by introducing a South American wide shipping embargo and using threatening language against the UK.

“As soon as we saw those British oil companies, Desire and Rockhopper sniffing around the Malvinas, we suddenly jolted up and said, hey, these are our islands. Anyway, we’re up for another defeat when we try again. This time we’ll have our friends with us and they’ll get a good clunking from the Brits too. We never learn, do we,” Ms Kirchner told Argentina’s state news station, Canal Siete.

Could this be Cameron’s Maggie moment he has so been waiting for?

Italian Scientists: "Jesus Looked Like a Medieval European Man"

Francis Bakewell
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Italian Scientists: "Jesus Looked Like a Medieval European Man"

“Our analysis of the Turin Shroud proves that Jesus looked like a Medieval European man, proving that he rose from the dead and left a mark on the shroud. This further backs up all other Christian imagery of Christ wherein he is always depicted with blond hair, blue eyes, pale skin and European features,” Giacomotto Vafanculo, chief scientist of the Turin project told the Italian Rai Uno TV station on Monday.

The profound findings will back up the Christian church’s assumptions that Jesus was an actual son of God character that actually existed.

“Even though he was Jewish, he didn’t look like any Jews of the time, he only looked like a Medieval man in 15th century Europe. I have told the pope myself about this amazing finding,” another scientist working on the project revealed.

Just days before Christmas, the scientific Turin Shroud news has been hailed by Christians as a remarkable miracle.

Jim Bob, 45, a pastor at the Dukesboro Baptist Church from Kentucky, USA, said: “This is proof right there. I’m gonna go tell my congregation right now about this news. Praise our lord Jesus Christ, hell, they put him in that shroud and God wanted his son back so his body floated up from the cave. When they opened the cave all they found was the Turin shroud with his exact European features imprinted on the cotton.”

Next year, the Italian scientists are planning to dig up a mountain somewhere in the Middle East to find traces of the animals that went in to Noah’s Ark two by two.

“Noah got every animal on earth, even insects like mosquitoes and kangaroos, as well as animals only found in the Amazon rainforest, and he got them to go up a ramp into a very big boat. Let’s just say, to carry every species of animal, insect and bird, you’re gonna need a big, big boat. It was even bigger than Silvio Berlusconi’s Bunga Bunga boat and that’s saying something,” Guido Guadagnino, another scientist on the huge project revealed.

No The Daily Squib Will Not Open an Office in North Korea

Francis Bakewell
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1
No The Daily Squib Will Not Open an Office in North Korea

As the thousands of grieving crowds wept in the streets in the main square where communist shows of military strength are held every year, there were reports of North Koreans even jumping off high rise buildings.

Not since British former Prime Minister, Gordon Brown’s resignation have there been such scenes of utter despair amongst a population.

The much anticipated publication of the North Korean edition of the Daily Squib had unfortunately been thwarted by a communist party censor deeming the whole newspaper a danger to the state.

“I was waiting to read the first edition. We were waiting for ten years. Every day, they say you can read the Daily Squib, then the next day they say it come tomorrow, then the next day they say we have to wait one more week. How much longer do we have to wait so we can read the Daily Squib? I can’t take it anymore, I’m going to commit hara kiri. Oh, that’s Japanese, never mind,” a very upset North Korean Daily Squib fan told state news before being taken away to a re-education camp.

Americans Leave Iraq After Using Up All the Oil

Francis Bakewell
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7
Americans Leave Iraq After Using Up All the Oil

Speaking from what used to be Iraq’s main oil refinery in the Salaheddin province north of Baghdad, but is now dry as a bone, Operations Director, Johnson Hick, said: “It is with great sadness that we will leave this place but there ain’t no more oil left. We used all of it up, and now we have to move onto the next oil country, which is your neighbour, Iran. Thank Jesus they’re dabbling in nuclear stuff because without that we’d have no excuse to invade the sons of bitches. As soon as we get the go ahead from Israel, we’ll start sending in more of our young soldiers to die for oil.”

America uses up 58% of the world’s resources and needs to constantly find new resource rich countries to invade so it can stay afloat. The Iraq war was responsible for an indeterminate number of Iraqi civilian deaths numbering in the hundreds of thousands and millions of displaced people from their own country. The United States peppered the country with vast amounts of depleted uranium causing permanent damage to the populations affected.

“We are the largest users of oil in the world and we need more countries to invade. We recently got Libya, which is the eighth largest oil producer in the world with an estimated 47 billion barrels, and that should last us until 2013. That’s why Iran is next on our list. Ultimately, we would like to get Saudi Arabia, but we sold them lots of our weapons so we’ll have to wait until those are out of date,” Mr Hick said.

Thanks to the invasion of Iraq and Afghanistan, the world is a lot more dangerous, with increasing terrorism, economic inequality, starvation and instability.

British Gastronomy Stays AAA When French Food Now AA

Francis Bakewell
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British Gastronomy Stays AAA When French Food Now AA

“Malheureusement, we have had to downgrade the cuisine de notre compatriats to AA because frankly nous sommes malades of the same old frog’s legs and escargots. I had a piffling raw steak l’autre jour and I vomited into a bucket afterwards. We call that cuisine Française? Give me roast beef, crispy pommes de terre and some f*cking gravy any day. How’s about a bit of oeufs and frites or a full English? I know I’m a grenouille myself but I can’t take the oeufs au plat Meyerbeer anymore, how’s about a deep fried mars bar stuffed in a Heston Blumenthal nettle soup marinated with raw unwashed potato skins and a dose of food poisoning. ‘Ere I was on that Master Chef the other day, who’s that brick layer barrow boy? He told me my soufflé was weak, I told him to go and lay some bricks on a wall, the f*cking English peasant. But, at the end of the jour, mes amis, c’est une grande tragédie,” Senior Chef at the Institute, Dominique Strauss Sperme, told Le Monde newspaper.

The French have been so angry at their cuisine being downgraded that they have threatened to blockade the Channel Tunnel and ferry ports indefinitely until their AAA gourmet rating is reinstated.

Speaking from Paris, the French president, Nicolas Sarkozy, said: “We will ask the Germans to invade England and show them that we mean business. Soon the English cochons will be begging for mercy and they will give up their false AAA food rating. I am going to phone my boss, Angela, right now, you English have eaten your last Bubble and Squeak.”

ECB to Start Printing Money Tomorrow

Francis Bakewell
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3

“We have finally come around from dithering and ruining the world’s economy by agreeing to start quantitative easing immediately,” European Commission chief, Jose Manuel Barroso, told an impromptu press conference.

Markets worldwide suddenly jolted away from free fall and popped upward like a neglected todger that hadn’t erupted for a thousand years.

“The world just rejoiced that the morons and ars*h*les in charge of the EU finally got a f*cking clue. They need to pay for the spending sprees somehow, and I have to say that QE is the only way out of the black hole for the stubborn sh*ts in the EU. Why should the rest of the world suffer because of those c*nts? Let them pay for their own mess,” a relieved investor told the Daily Telegraph.

Across the Atlantic, the Dow Jones rose by 20% in the first 10 minutes of trading as did the S&P. Closer to home, the FTSE 100 rose by 18% as did the German and French markets.

Hague to Hold Fiscal Euro Meeting in Brussels Hotel Room

Francis Bakewell
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1
Hague to Hold Fiscal Euro Meeting in Brussels Hotel Room

“I need to talk to them about how to solve this terrible euro problem we all seem to be having. I’m sure if we push the beds together in the tiny hotel room, then maybe we can whack out a solution to the never ending fiscal union problem the euro is having. I’ll order the champagne on room service, the euro boys just need to bring their thongs,” Mr Hague said from the first class section of the Eurostar train to Brussels yesterday.

The young European advisers will convene in a small secluded hotel in the centre of Brussels where Mr Hague will pay for the single room himself.

“We are in austere times, and of course this applies to high flying millionaire ministers as much as interns. I really need some advice on how to solve this euro problem, this is why some inexperienced young eurotwinks should do the job. I just can’t wait to have my stool pushed in as well as the two single beds,” Mr Hague added with excitement in his voice.

The Brussels meeting should be good news for the British economy which is in dire straits as unelected technocrats threaten to destroy the British economy with unnecessary red-tape and sanctions for the recent British veto.

Nick Clegg Fails UK Citizenship Test Could Be Deported

Francis Bakewell
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0
Nick Clegg Fails UK Citizenship Test Could Be Deported

“We’re not actually sure where he’s from but he’s definitely not from Britain, that’s for sure.” a Border Agency worker disclosed to the Daily Mail.

Things have been rather tough for Clegg since joining the Coalition government, and he will surely be glad to be out of the heat of the frying pan and back to obscurity.

Speaking from his home, Nick Clegg said: “My political allegiance lies slightly to the left…no just left of centre…maybe somewhat to the right…a tiny bit left and right…oh, how about diagonal south west…maybe east, west…thirty degrees north?”

Tory MP, Sullivan Pratter, said: “There’s two things I like about Nick Clegg — his face. As for where he came from, I don’t think even he knows. No one actually knows who he really is or what he’s doing here.”

Sarkozy Shows Off His New Hat

Francis Bakewell
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3
Sarkozy Shows Off His New Hat

Mr Sarkozy, has adopted the Pickelhaube helmet and will be wearing it at all times.

“How do you like my new ‘at? Ve vill destroy ze Ros Boeufs for daring not to join our special club. You think you can hide across the Channel? Vell, mes amis, your days are numbered,” Mr Sarkozy said to rapturous applause from the assembled unelected EU technocrats.

Nicolas Sarkozy’s Vichy government is under increasing pressure from Germany to pressurise Britain to join the failing eurozone.

“Ve vant the British to wear the Pickelhaube too. Zey must adopt this or ve vill destroy their economy and financial district sooner or later,” Mr Sarkozy said.

Occupy Movement Results in Huge Increases of Tent Sales

Francis Bakewell
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0
Occupy Movement Results in Huge Increases of Tent Sales

“We’re selling tents like hot cakes. It’s great for the economy, and especially our capitalist system. These kids are supporting the system that they are trying to oppose. I’m happy, because I get to drive an Aston Martin, and they’re happy because they think they are making a difference. Jeez, I was driving in to my office this morning, and I got a case of the giggles, just thinking about the obscene amounts of money I would make in that morning, it’s awesome,” Dick Bonehead, CEO for Coleman tents told CNN.

As the thousands of people camp around cities protesting against capitalism and corporate greed, they are in fact inadvertently supporting the industries they oppose.

“This tent I got for $400, this mask I’m wearing cost $23, plus all the camping gear and my daily food and booze costs a great deal of money, It’s a good thing that my allowance from my parents can pay for everything,” a Wall Street protester told CBS.

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