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Only 1000 Met Police Have Criminal Records

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In a serious breach of Britain’s judicial system, data revealed today shows that only 1000 police officers in the Metropolitan police force have criminal records.

“We need to ask how the rest of them are getting away with it? It’s a criminal act in itself that these police men and women have not been prosecuted to the full extent of the law,” Arnold DeLittle, a barrister at the High Court told the Times.

Forces across England and Wales employ policemen and women with convictions including burglary, causing death by careless driving, armed robbery, supplying drugs, domestic violence, rape, murder, aggravated assault, bribery, blackmail, forgery and perverting the course of justice.

Lady GaGa Left 'Custard' in Hotel Bath

Lady Gaga allegedly left “large amounts of lumpy custard” in a hotel bath.

The eccentric singer reportedly shocked staff when she checked out of London’s lavish five star Regency Continental Hotel last August and they discovered a pool of lumpy steaming custard with an assortment of delicious traditional English desserts and cakes in the tub.

One housekeeper claimed the pop superstar was “bathing in custard and cakes as part of a Satanic baking ritual”.

She told BBC 6 news channel: “Lady Gaga left large amounts of lumpy custard and dessert in the suite during a stay this summer. The incident was reported to the concierge, who was told to put it out of her mind.”

GaGa was said to be indulging in such delights as Lardy Cake, Spotted Dick, Bread and Butter Pudding, Figgy Dowdy, as well as copious amounts of freshly made English crumpets.

Other sources believe Gaga could have been using the delicious desserts as part of a “weird” stage costume or prop.

An insider said: “All of the hotel’s staff are convinced she was bathing in it or, at the very least, using it as part of one of her new costumes or weird stage routines. It is also possible that GaGa likes a bit of pudding and is an English dessert aficionado.”

The hotel claimed that the clean-up bill amounted to £23,000 not including replacing the furniture, carpets and bathroom.

Lady GaGa was not available for comment.

Faulty French Implant Causing Distress

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“He is not only a danger to France — but himself. He looks a bit like a tit, acts like one, and is toxic to the world of politics. I say we take this faulty impudent little implant out and dump it in the nearest sewer, where it belongs,” Jean Beano, a respected French politician told Le Monde newspaper.

Monsieur Leblanc, president of the French Association of Implants, Tits and Politicians, told BBC Radio 4’s The World At Two: “Even with a very low popularity rating, he is an implant that would have to definitely be removed.

“If you believe a device is faulty, I think this would be true in your car or any other object that you buy, you would want to have that replaced immediately as well.

“Certainly, Sarkozy, is at a very much higher toxicity rate than we would consider acceptable. Good implants put in by reputable nations really have an extraordinarily low failure rate so this is quite out of the ordinary. In other words, we need to get rid of this fucker tout suite, if you know what I mean, Harry.”

The question is, which surgeon will step up to the plate to remove this faulty implant?

Miliband to be Prime Minister in Alternate Universe

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He may think he’s the best thing since sliced bread, but the delusional Miliband is about as exciting as an adenoid in a jar of formaldehyde. 

“I will be prime minister of Great Britain,” Miliband screeches, in his best demented dalek voice, standing in front of his bathroom mirror every morning.

Ed Miliband is not content with the very public show of fratricide he displayed during his rise to Labour’s helm. His ruthless nature shows that he will commit any crime to get to power, and if he ever shoehorns himself into the premiership, like Gordon Brown did, he will be ruthless and just as evil there as well.

“I will come to ultimate power. Every single day you will listen to my bleating voice barking out orders over the tannoys dotted around Britain. I would sell my own mother to get to power and I have shown my ruthless nature before. I mean it, I want us to go back to spend, spend, spend Britain, where Labour ministers spent your money on perks, trips abroad, gluttony, greed and salsa lessons. Next time around we want to take Britain to the Middle Ages of debt. This is Labour’s message to you, the politics of spending taxpayers’ money until it all runs out. Champagne socialism for the select few, and forty years of misery for the rest of you c*nts who have to pay off our spending sprees. Thank you,” Mr Miliband told the BBC last night.

New Year’s Pledge to Save World Economy Give £5 to Daily Squib

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The Fiscal Unitary Consumer Knowledge Trust, after much research, has revealed the remarkable notion that giving the Daily Squib a fiver is pretty much the only way the world’s economy can be saved, the paper published by the Office of National Statistics on New Year’s Day revealed.

“First of all, Happy New Year folks. The world is in grave danger, we need to circulate more cash in the economy. We want consumers to spend more, that way we stimulate the rusty cogs of the economy and we can get this mother moving once again. If everyone donated £5 (8 USD) to the Daily Squib newspaper, then you would be doing a better service than throwing away your money by giving it to any government or to the banks. At least, the Daily Squib is useful, and will utilise the money by bringing the public even more in-depth analysis, news, and utter, utter bollocks. You must do it, you must. For the sake of our civilization, for our wives, children, and our economy. Step up to the plate, click that paypal button and donate a fiver to the Squib,” Mervyn Hubbard, the key researcher at the think tank said emphatically.

Dear readers, do not worry, the world is not going to end in 2012. The Mayans were strung out on coke and couldn’t even predict the Spaniards, let alone 2012. As for all the nutty preachers predicting the end of the world all the time, even a broken clock is right twice a day. The world is not going to end yet, but the world is still in grave economic and political distress and unless you all help stimulate the economy by your generous donation we’re all fucked, doomed and double fucked.

Well, you heard the hard evidence and facts right there. We urge you to save our civilization by donating a miniscule £5 to the Daily Squib.


 

Thank you for saving the world.


Secret Papers Reveal How Thatcher Cabinet Would Regularly Dress Up As Scousers

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Senior ministers including the former prime minister, Margaret Thatcher, would regularly have special cabinet meetings dressed in scouser costumes, the National Archive papers reveal.

“We do dat doe don’t we doe?” Michael Heseltine, would often say giving former Chancellor Geoffrey Howe a friendly scouser head butt.

Former Number10 aide, Rupert Curmudgeon, recalled: “Everyone including Maggie would be wearing a scouse perm wig, moustache and cheap suit. It was like being in fookin’ Brookside Close or an episode of Bread, like. They’d get the lager out and joke around. Those were the good times, we all enjoyed Scouse Thursdays. I was recently in Liverpool and was being mugged, and I thought to myself, it was just like the old days in Maggie’s cabinet.”

How Long Before the EU Concentration Camp Chimneys Start Churning Smoke Again?

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Those who forget and subdue their past are doomed to repeat it, as the Germans, French and Italians are doing right now. Whatever they try and do, this is the final nail in the coffin for Europe’s freedom as a new cohesive treaty will ensure that all democracy and individualism is snuffed out — just as the prisoners in the shower rooms were when the Zyklon B tablets fell down the mesh tubes and gassed them to death.

To understand the serious nature of the threat of fascism in Europe, cast your mind back to 1930s Germany and Italy, and the rise of fascism.

This Europe that we have today, is very similar to the Reich of the past except there is no outward show of military power. If the hypnotised citizens of the EU were ever to try and question their predicament, the full force of the EU’s fascist force would however come down on them hard and show them who’s boss.

It is only a matter of time before, inch by inch, the EU is revealed to be a totalitarian dictatorship that will be used for mass genocide on a huge scale that will dwarf the technical efficiency in killing of the Eichmann era of Nazi Germany in the 1940s.

Nicolas Sarkozy, is a Nazi sympathiser and practitioner himself, as can be seen with his recent purge of Roma Gypsies from France as well as his racist fascist rants against peoples of other faiths and ethnic backgrounds.

Germany, according to many German ministers and financiers, is infected with low IQ Turkish grocers, who will one day feel the wrath of the searing ovens as the indigenous population reclaims their country from the high frequency breeding Gastarbeiter as they colonise the inner cities. As with any mass genocide, the cleansing will start slowly, then pick up pace as new more efficient final solutions are found.

“The EU has many undesirable populations like the Muslims, Africans and Gypsies in France and Germany and these will be either expelled or killed off. In Europe, there is no place for the Untermenschen, and we will eradicate these people by any means possible,” a high ranking German banker, Thilo Sarrazin, told German state television last night.

Even in the UK, there are increasing reports of racially charged assaults and outbursts by seemingly ‘normal white people’, but these are mere symptoms of the Hegelian dialectic where the problem of increased immigration was allowed and encouraged to happen by successive governments for a very good reason — to create discord, disharmony, hatred and fear amongst the indigenous populations.

An immigration open door policy was allowed to occur so as to create a problem of overcrowding in urban areas; destruction of indigenous culture, valuable resources being used up, intolerance and racism to flourish.

“First you create the problem, then you wait for the people to cry out, then you move in with a solution that enslaves the people even further than they already are,” Gunther Mauser, a German politician told Die Welt newspaper.

Oxford Street End of Year Stabbing Sale Goes Well

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The stabbings did not top last year’s record of forty seven knifings but the poor showing was attributed to the unseasonal weather.

“We had warm weather this year and it didn’t make the shoppers agitated enough. Usually when it’s freezing, they get really riled up and start stabbing like mad,” Constable Peter Milkin, told the Evening Standard.

By mid-afternoon on Boxing Day, the cleanup crews were out in the streets mopping up the mess of Nike trainers, knives, ripped hoodies and blood.

“It’s like a tradition we have every year. The shoppers love it, it’s a bit of entertainment, you know like the bull run in Pamplona. You can either get your discounted shirt and tie or get a six inch knife through your pancreas. Oh nevermind, there’s always next year, you never know, you could be the lucky one next time,” one of the shop owners on Oxford Street told a BBC reporter on the scene.

Tube Drivers Demand Chauffeur Driven Limousines

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London tube drivers, who are paid £65,000 per annum with expense accounts, final salary retirement plans, pay increases every few months and free rail travel perks for them and their whole families, are said to be disgruntled that union bosses have not come up with a better deal regarding travel to work every day.

“We are demanding a chauffeur driven limousine drives us to our respective stations every day so we can sit in a train for a few hours and push a dead man’s handle between stations. Why should I have to pay for petrol in my own car to get to the station where I work?” striking tube driver, Keith Arusholle, told the BBC.

Travellers on London’s Underground network face disruption as drivers belonging to the union Aslef stage another 24-hour strike over working conditions and pay.

Last week, Aslef negotiated another 15% pay rise for the tube drivers and a £7,000 bonus to work during the Olympic games.

Aslef secretary, Barry Blackmailer, told a news conference: “Ho, ho, ho. Once again we want ordinary Londoners to suffer so we can increase our wealth. No doubt, council tax will have to rise to pay for our union members to live the life of Riley. So get to it idiots, pay up, and remember, there will be another 23% hike in train fares as well. Merry f*cking Christmas!”

Michelle Obama Throws Punches Over New Air Jordans

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“I told the Air Force One jet to take a detour and Barack was forced to agree with my wishes. I needs to gets me some of those Air Jordans. I went over to the sto’ and I said ‘Gibs me’ those shoes when a big ol’ mutha tried to take them shoes from my grip. Let’s just say hell hath no fury for a first lady scorned. I nailed that bitch into the middle o’ next week…and then some,” Mrs Obama told the North Carolina Herald newspaper.

The disturbance started inside Carolina Place Mall just after 7am when the Obama entourage arrived.

Witnesses said forty five SUVs and a helicopter arrived at the mall as officials opened the mall doors, crowds of people pushed their way in including Mrs Obama and some secret service men.

“Michelle almost took the door off the hinges. I heard her hollerin’ tellin’ the secret service boys to get as many Air Jordan’s as possible while she bagged four pairs herself,” one shopper who didn’t want to be identified said, “there were women with babies in their hands and they on their backs. Michelle didn’t care though, she said she was putting herself number one fo’ a change.”

Michelle Obama, is known for her love of shoes and is not averse to spending $4,000 on a pair of flip flops even though the U.S. is currently battling a debt of 114.5 Trillion Dollars, she has already spent $17 million on holidays this year alone.