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New Antony Worrall Thompson Game Out

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The new Grand Theft Tesco game will star the daring chef pilfering a bit of cheddar and a cheap bit of plonk from a Tesco store.

“That’s pretty much the premise of the whole game, he hijacks a few Tesco baskets, negotiates around some crazed Tesco security men, then tries to run out of the door without getting caught,” games developer, Roquefort Star Games told PS3 Today magazine.

‘Every little helps!’ as they say, and when you shove a bit of brie into your chef trousers whilst dodging a camambert weilding granny or two, you know you’re living in the fast lane.

People will be queuing all of Sunday night around the country for the release of the game first thing on Monday morning.

Game enthusiast, Mitch Warner, 48, said: “I’ve had a sneak peak at the game and just seeing Worral Thompson nicking those cheddars in broad daylight like that, it’s just so f*cking dairy. If I don’t get this game tomorrow, I’m going to have an emmental breakdown!”

Tesco profits were hit on Friday with a 15% drop, and CEO, Ronnie Stilton, blamed “That thieving bastard Worrall Thompson for the amount of cheese he’s pilfered over the years.

image: grotpig b3ta

Outrage Over Video of S&P Executives Urinating on Euro

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The U.S. Treasury declared on Thursday that an investigation will be performed in relation to the S&P’s behaviour.

The attention of the U.S. Treasury was drawn by the French President Nicolas Sarkozy who requested an immediate investigation. He described the Standard & Poor’s actions as “inhuman” in a statement on Thursday.

U.S. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner agreed with Sarkozy that the video was “deplorable” and he promised that the Treasury will carry out an investigation.

The actions in the video were furthermore depicted as illegal by the top Treasury chairman, Ben Bernanke.

“This urination video takes us and the euro back to the stone age. I thought they [the Americans] were civilized but I was wrong. Showing a bunch of S&P downgraders pissing on some euro notes is despicable. I have a good mind to merde on a few dollars. Allez, bring me some smelly dollars now so I can make a smelly poo poo onto it and don’t forget the video either,” Mr Sarkozy said in a fit of anger at the Élysée Palace yesterday.

Fergie to Star in Remake of Midnight Express

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According to her agent, the Duchess is very excited about the role and will even spend a whole year in a Turkish prison to see what it’s really like.

Speaking at a hotel along the Bospherus, she said: “Well, I’ve been in a Turkish bath once before, and I’ve been to a few Turkish orphanages, but the thought of going to a Turkish prison really excites me. I wonder if the cell has room for all of my Louis Vuitton bags?”

Because of Fergie’s desperation for funds, especially with a £6.5 million credit card bill she can’t possibly ever pay back, she jumped at the chance to star in the film when there were no other takers.

Turkish prisons are said to be some of the worst in the world, and the original Midnight Express film depicted scenes of torture, brutality and deprivation that has coloured the view of Turkey’s human rights record ever since.

Oliver Stone, who wrote the original screenplay, has been drafted in for the remake, but director Alan Parker will give it a miss this time instead, director Eli Roth has stepped into his boots.

“Sticking Fergie into a Turkish prison has been the wish of many people, especially some prominent members of the royal family, mentioning no names, of course,” a palace aide told the Times.

Obama Teleprompter Breaks Down During Bedroom Session With Wife

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The tele-hiccup occurred two nights ago and relegated Mr Obama to the White House couch in the East Room after a spat with his angry wife.

According to White House insiders, the president was taking orders on what to say to Michelle in the presidential bed, when his teleprompter blinked shut. The president was naturally lost for words and started stuttering madly. The First Lady was not amused by the performance and threw Barack out of the bed ordering him to sleep on the couch in the East Room. When White House officials arrived in the morning for a meeting, they found the president sprawled out on the White House couch in his pyjamas and no sign of a teleprompter. He was immediately brought a new one and the meeting started.

Unfortunately for Mr Obama, his teleprompters have been malfunctioning frequently as of late. Some say it could be a Russian, Chinese or Republican plot to unseat the president and cause him distress. Extra secret service men have now been drafted in to guard each machine, and extra maintenance staff are also on 24 hr standby.

“We got teleprompters in every room of the White House. Two days ago it broke down in his bedroom just as he was about to bone Michelle, and yesterday, the president’s teleprompter broke down in the toilet. He had to yell for help because he could not remember what to say about asking for a new toilet roll. It’s really that bad, and it’s way worse when we have to travel. You try wheeling that thing around all over the place and up six flights of stairs,” White House aide, Ari Fleischer, told CBS news.

Female MP Angry For Not Being Taken Seriously After Posing For Men's Magazine

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Don’t mention the Mensch, or her pert tits for that matter, because posing in a provocative manner in a men’s magazine is the done thing to do in parliament these days; especially if you’re a Chelsea chick lit author with a passion for cocaine binges in record company toilets and twitter spats with other nobodies on the internet.

“I need to be taken seriously all the time. Here, look at my curves, they’re all about that proportional representation(s) or summink I read. I’m good at politics, like I will debate for hours and hours about what eye shadow to wear and how thin my thong should be. Let’s discuss my new photo shoot. Do you think I was pouting enough as I showed off my taut, well toned body to all the men, who will no doubt got their knobbers out and stick the magazine pages together? No, seriously, I want to be taken seriously. How about a bit of legislation? I want to write a white paper about something or rather, maybe a pink paper, or how’s about a red paper with green polka dots. We need to make parliament more pretty, and parliamentarians need to bow down to my beauty when I walk in the chamber. I’m sure everyone’s daydreaming about taking me behind the House of Commons restaurant and entering my chamber. Ooh er, missus, know what I mean?” Menschy Mensch, the Right Honourable pinup told the Sun.

This feisty, beautiful, and of course un-surgeried lady, is in fact a breath of glamorous fresh air in the dark corridors of Westminster, and she should be applauded for her stoutheartedness in a not too welcoming atmosphere.

Tony Blair to Give Missing Eight Million Pounds to Iraq Charity

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Tony Blair has vowed to give the £8 million he made through dodgy deals last year to an Iraqi fund for murdered Iraqi babies bombed by the US and UK war planes.

“It’s the least I can do. We pumped those lil bastards full of shrapnel and depleted uranium and it was fun at the time but I started to get a conscience eventually damn it. I turned over a new leaf, all the money I acquired through backhand deals and dodgy arrangements is eventually going to go somewhere useful — to help the damage Dubya and I caused,” Mr Blair said from one of his London mansion houses.

Analysis of Mr Blair’s accounts show that he only paid a very small amount of his income to the Inland Revenue and it is a good thing that instead of spending the £8 million profit on god knows what luxuries, he’s going to redistribute the cash to a country which was permanently crippled by his actions.

There was cheering in the streets of Iraq at the news of the Tony Blair £8 million donation as people celebrated the good will of Tony Blair.

Unfortunately for the people of Iraq, they were not told that the Blair money will be siphoned through some subsidiaries in Iraq, then transferred to Mr Blair’s private account in the Cayman Islands.

Remake of a Remake of a Remake Gets Sixth Remake in 3D

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Pick any film you may have watched in the 70s and 80s and chances are that the recent Hollywood release is a remake of the same film, except now you will have some nameless, faceless, actor embellishing it with their wooden charms. Scripts are stripped down to their basic shells and all goodness from previous films are ejected.

“You can’t have a remake without some casting couch new flavour of the month plastic actor or actress stumbling across the screen jumping all over the place. Each of the many characters is disconnected from the audience; you don’t care what happens to a single one of them. The roles could just have easily been filled with robots or androids. Maybe stick some CGI in there, with all action scenes rendered on green screen, slap in some 3D effects and your remake of a remake of a remake is ready to be forced in front of cinema audiences who now, unfortunately, do not know any better,” Film critic, Freddy Luger, told Hollywood Week magazine.

Is it no wonder that the internet is filled to the brim with sites showing these so-called Hollywood films for free. These films are such throw-away products that they are not even worth paying to go and see. You would have to be a very sad character to actually go to a cinema and pay some of your hard-earned cash to fund these monstrosities.

“I would rather have my eyes shaved with a rusty razor then go and see any movies that come from Hollywood these days. Like occasionally, I’ll fast forward through one of the movies for free on the internet to see how bad it is. Can you imagine the shame one would feel if they admitted that they had actually parted with money to see a new release let alone helped to fund even more of that crap? I don’t think I could look into anyone’s eyes afterwards,” Bill Dean, an internet user told Yahoo news.

Scots Could Lose English Benefits Bonanza if Gain Independence

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“There’s a stoatin fear in th’ streets an’ pubs aw ower scootlund. When we gain independence we wulnae be able tae leech aff th’ sassenach taxpayers an’ micht hae tae fin’ a job,” Angus McShanker, an unemployed Glaswegian, told the Glasgow Times from his home, the Scragnit pub.

Some Scots are now hoarding their booze and heroin stashes, because once the English benefit bonanza ends, they will be up shit creek without a haggis.

The end of the 300-year-old union with England would be a major blow for about 87% of Scottish people who are unemployed and have never worked a day in their life living off benefits from the English Treasury.

“I’ve ne’er worked a day in mah life an’ ah gie £1,500 a week in benefits nae includin’ mah hoosin’ benefit, cooncil tax benefit an’ free methadain, cheb implants frae th’ NHS. Whit th’ feck am ah gonnae dae withit ‘at? Aam illiterate, lazy an’ reek loch booze aw th’ time. Alex Salmond, ye Shrek lookalike, gonnae-no feckin’ wi’ mah benefits frae Englain,” Sharon McNapper, 24, an unemployed woman from Aberdeen, with thirteen children, told the Scotsman newspaper.

Labour MP Diane Abbott Disciplined By Plantation Owner

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“She better not step out of line again or we will turf her out into the fields to work with the other negros. We let her stay in the house but recently she has been displaying rather insubordinate, impudent, behaviour not befitting her place. We’re even thinking of shipping her back to Jamiaca in one of those special ships if she gets any worse,” chief whip master, Ed Miliband told Sky News.

There is always a danger of rebellion amongst the servants and they have to be routinely disciplined by the plantation masters.

“We certainly can’t have people like Diane Abbott going around answering back to us. She needs to keep her place, and if she does answer back or make any such remarks not befitting her status in the house, she will be unduly removed from her position and despatched either back to where she was first appropriated or put to work in the fields where the lesser of her kind are made to work to death,” the plantation owner said on Sunday.

Obama: "Why Disarming America is My Last Act As President"

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“The UK population has been effectively disarmed by successive British governments, so it goes to reason that the US should have its population castrated and disarmed as well,” Johnny Bloom, an analyst for the Telia Think Tank wrote in a recent research paper.

Obama’s failed stimulus programs were hailed as wonderful ways of increasing the US debt mountain, on which he added his expensive healthcare initiative notching on a further $5 trillion of debt burden. Obama has been the biggest spender in the history of the United States. With two expensive wars raging on two fronts, and his pet projects, Obama was left with little or no money to pay the interest on US debts, let alone his country’s huge social security bills, so he asked for a debt ceiling increase. This was granted only after compromising the US AAA rating meaning America will have to pay a higher rate of interest on debt.

American Poor House

“There are no jobs, no industry and some guy comes in spending like a kid in a candy store. Obama plays 90 rounds of golf and takes 25 vacations a year, each costing taxpayers five to seven million dollars a pop. That’s not including his wife either, who spent $15 million on vacations in 2011 alone. She also has an unlimited credit card on the US taxpayer, so she’s been stocking up on all those goodies. We foot the bill on that. You over there, working in your backbreaking job polishing hubcaps for $6 an hour, you’re paying for Michelle Obama to live like Marie Antoinette wished she could have lived,” a Capitol Hill insider told the Washington Times.

“The truth is we’re broke. There’s no way we can pay back the trillions we owe to China, and I think China knows that too. When we don’t pay them their money, what’re they going to do then? We were OK bullying and desecrating small countries like Iraq, Afghanistan and Libya, but when it comes to the might of China, that’s when we shut up. We don’t like picking fights with countries that are equal or bigger than us, only countries that we can bully and conquer,” Johnson Fredericks, a Pentagon official told CBS.

A New Safe America

Obama in his second term will shift to the armed and dangerous American people in his urgency for disarmament.

“The people got guns, they need to be disarmed or we will have anarchy when the fiat currency based financial system collapses soon. This is why Obama’s TSA army will go house to house and disarm each household who has registered or illegal arms. The people will be monetarily compensated, and if they try and withhold the weapons, or hold illegal ones, they could be arrested. The people cannot be trusted anymore. It’s coming to a neighborhood near you soon, and your house, so be prepared to hand over your weapons,” Joel Finklestein, an Obama re-election campaigner said at a recent rally in Chicago.