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At Least Tom Cruise Got to Keep the Thetans

“I get to keep the Thetans. Hey, it’s her loss. She don’t know what she’s missing,” Cruise said smiling deeply, then jumping up on a couch in the Celebrity Scientology Centre in Hollywood.

After leaving so suddenly, Katie Holmes even left her e-Meter behind, so Tom Cruise now has two to use at his leisure.

“Sometimes I sit in a room with no windows and I think to myself, not only do I have as many Thetans as I want, but I now have two e-Meters. On my god, it is so amazing, not one, but two!” the excited star added.

Murray to Gain Independence From Winning Wimbledon

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“To tell you the truth, I’ve had enough of it. This losing lark has made me really angry, and I have an irresistible urge to paint my face blue and gain Independence from Wimbledon,” Murray said as he wiped a tear from his eye at Wimbledon today.

Murray plans on making his own tournament away from Wimbledon, where there are no Swiss tennis geniuses like Federer around.

“It’s going to be a new competition where I will win the cup every time. In order for that to happen, I will need to be the only contestant and I will be playing against a brick wall with a painted line on it to denote the net,” Murray revealed.

The new tournament will only have one line judge and will always give the decision to Murray.

“If Murray loses the tournament, he will be British. If he wins, well, you can guess what nationality he will be then,” line judge, Alex Salmond, told the BBC.

How is Romney Going to React Under Pressure As President?

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Call it Scientology or Mormonism, the truth is these are dangerous cults with wacky ideas about things. You could say that having science fiction as a belief system is the basis for insanity, and you would be f*cking right.

Mitt Romney is a devout Mormon who believes wholeheartedly that Jesus visited the American continent after his resurrection as told by the family of Lehi, whoever the hell they were.

Mormon’s also believe that Jesus is Satan’s brother and God lives near a planet called Kolob.

If you are a follower of Mormonism, the Garden of Eden was in Missouri, that is before the car parks and shopping malls were built.

Mormons also believe that black people are sinners and that’s why they were brought into this world with tainted black negro skin.

“I know that if it ever came down to serious confrontation in world Geo-politics, do you want someone who has crazy beliefs on the trigger finger or someone who does not blindly believe in nonsense? How can these people be rational if their cultish beliefs are totally irrational and border on insanity. This is the truth of the matter. Mitt Romney is a devout Mormon, therefore he wears special contraptions and underclothes beneath his everyday outer clothing, the guy is wacko, nuts, bazoingoed! Do you honestly believe that this guy can make a decision that does not involve hocus pocus weirdo ideas thought up by some toothbrush salesman in the American Midwest? That sh*t affects everything, it really does,” a disgruntled US voter told Fox news yesterday.

Romney may be good at business within his circles, because of his close knit Mormon church contacts, but that does not make him understand the world, macro-economics, or the nuances that go with every variable, every grey point of every situation.

“If someone has beliefs that are illogical and border on insanity, I do not ever expect them to make a correct decision under pressure. It is not feasible or valid, in any way. Let chaos reign when this guy wins the election. The American people will have made their decision, or maybe Diebold will have made it for them,” a Capitol Hill insider told the Washington Observer yesterday.

What if Romney decides to wage a war with the Scientologists on mainland USA after he is inaugurated as president? Who is going to win then? May the best cult win.

New Damien Hirst Artwork Causes Feeding Frenzy

“This is a spectacular piece of art. Holding back the urge to defenestrate as soon as I see a Hirst work, I am always amazed at the artist’s skill in quomodocunquization. One used to think Hirst was a contemptible barbaric rip-off merchant. I used to think Hirst was an aeolist. Oh how I was wrong about Damien. Seeing the formaldehyde cabinet for the first time, I rushed at it and waved my handkerchief over my head in abject surrender,” art critic for the Evening Standard, Julien Sewell, said in his daily column.

The new artwork has a price tag of $450 million and will be the priciest work Hirst has ever sold.

Represented by London’s Saatchi Gallery, the piece will be on show indefinitely.

Now That God Particle Discovered Scientists Want to Find The G-Spot

Higgs Boson was one discovery, but a G spot is the real icing on the cake of scientific discovery, and thousands of overpaid scientists at CERN are determined to research and gather enough data to actually pinpoint the whereabouts of the slippery little spot that has evaded so many men since time immemorial.

“We’re getting women in here in all shapes and sizes and getting to work. The Higgs Boson is actually insignificant now, women need to know all over the world that we’re getting undercover, damp and dirty to find that spot that makes you all go berserk with unadulterated passion. To science, this is more important than some tiny poxy particle that degrades milliseconds after it appears. Screw the fabric of the universe, I want to jump deep into the cavern, I want to swim like a fish and find that G-Spot if it’s the last goddamn thing I do in this world,” Professor Al Jenkem, told New Scientist magazine on Wednesday.

The CERN institute has already scrapped the large Hadron Collider and are now constructing a specially commissioned piece of equipment that will explore the complexities of a woman’s clown pocket.

“Fuck the Hadron Collider, that thing can’t even make my toast in the morning. I want to see a woman’s G-Spot. Bring on more funding!” another scientific expert yelped as he rushed around the lab in his little white coat sweating like a toothless inmate in a prison.

With luck, the scientists at CERN should discover the actual whereabouts of the G-spot in the next thirty or forty years of constant research and trillions more of lucrative research funds paid for by the lowly taxpayer.

Tom Cruise Sees Vision of N.Ron Hubbub on 50th Birthday

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Arriving back at Los Angeles at midday today, an excited Tom Cruise told of his extreme joy at seeing the founder of the Church of Scatology in a vision.

“N.Ron Hubbub was in the room with me as I was in the rest room taking a big dump on my 50th Birthday. At first I smelled him, you know like rotten eggs and garbage, and I knew this was N.Ron coming to show me the way to go. He said I was the most dedicated Scatologist ever since my OT IX and X Preparations. I immediately got my sh-meter out and stuck it in my butt hole knowing full well that N.Ron Hubbub would be pleased. His voice sounded like a thousand farts around a camp fire after a bowl of beans, I delighted as I saw the ol’ sea dog, with his shit splattered captain’s hat telling me that I gotta put Suri in a Scatology boot camp somewhere in the desert. He said I gotta do it for the good of the Church Scatology, and Penu. That’s when I heard a knock on the cubicle door and airport security telling me I got to pipe down with the blabber. I nearly exteriorised there and then,” Cruise told ABC news.

Mr Cruise was escorted to his private jet still with a sh-meter sticking in his posterior, but because of his celebrity status was allowed to continue his journey to Los Angeles.

The Church of Scatology will make an announcement on Thursday about Mr Cruise’s N.Ron Hubbub vision.

“We hope to increase the church’s income by 40% on that day alone,” an excited church operative told Scatology Week magazine.

French Now Want You to Pack Defibrillator to Drive Through France

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“We want to stop British motorists driving on our roads and having heart attacks, whether at the wheel or not, it does not matter. This is why we have added to the list of required items. Les Ros Boefs, they will now have to bring a heart defibrillator machine to jump start their hearts if they have le heart attack. Some of our French food is very gastronomic, not like your fried mars bars and greasy gammon steak and chips, or a full English, so this may set you off and your hearts may stop, either that, aussi if you see the prices we charge for everything here, even with a destroyed euro currency, you are sure to skip a few beats,” French Transport Minister, Gilles De Cardiaque, told French TV last night.

The new item added to the list of red warning triangles, high visibility reflective jackets, fire extinguishers, two breathalyser kits, and a complete set of replacement headlight bulbs, is sure to encourage more people to drive their cars through France.

A defibrillator can be acquired from most medical suppliers and needs six months training to operate successfully. The expensive specialist machines might not be able to fit in most cars with all the other required equipment, so the French ask that a special tow extension be fitted to your vehicle if it is too large to carry in the main compartment. The ruling will also affect motorcyclists from Britain who drive through France.

“I just paid £6,000 for a secondhand defibrillator on eBay. I can’t wait to drive to our gîte in the South of France to meet my family who flew there last week. If I do have a major heart attack en route, I will have to somehow give myself a few shocks though because I’m travelling alone,” Brian Alpersey, 49, a holidaymaker from Birmingham, told the Times.

As of tomorrow, motorists and motorcyclists will face an on-the-spot fine unless they travel with a fully functioning defibrillator machine fitted to their vehicle, as the latest set of motoring laws come into force in France making it compulsory for drivers to carry defibrillators in their vehicles.

Murdoch to Punish the English For Disobeying Him

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It’s another day for Murdoch as he lounges in his multi-million dollar Manhattan penthouse. He wakes every morning with a morning surprise from his beautiful young mail order bride from Hong Kong, then a luxurious bath with Fox news on the vast screen above the whirlpool tub. A few croissants and a brief tweet about what he is currently thinking, is of course a nice addition to his morning routine.

Murdoch has vowed to withdraw billions of pounds from the UK after the phone hacking fiasco which rocked his media empire so cruelly.

“If we hadn’t have been caught tapping people’s phones and paying off bent coppers in the first place, we would not be in this position now. I vow to punish the English because they did not accept our phone hacking in good faith. They should have accepted the payments after the whistle was blown and just swept it under the covers, instead I of all people had to answer questons. Me? I never knew nothing gov, nah!” Mr Murdoch told one of his reporters on the Fox news network on Thursday.

Murdoch’s anger at being held accountable for a crime that his organisation committed under his all-seeing eye will live for him forever and leaves a bitter taste in his mouth.

The devil’s in the detail

“I feel sick to the rotten core at the amount of money I lost because they eventually told the public about what has been going on for years. I mean, they didn’t mind when things were going ok for them, it was only when it got sticky that the snitches were allowed to speak up,” Murdoch says flicking his lizard tongue in and out of his mouth quickly.

Under Murdoch’s patronage, the 168-year-old red top paper, the News of the World, was destroyed, as were the thousands of emails and pieces of evidence that pointed all the way up to the top.

Who is to say what other English institutions will be destroyed by the angry old man, who professes to be ‘over it’ but sneers as he says the words?

“We believe Murdoch will now have a hand in the destruction of BSkyB as well as The Times. If he withdraws the football and sport in America through the Fox network, BSkyB will eventually falter. As for the poor journalists on the Times, they’re probably quaking in their boots at the very thought of their fate at the hands of Murdoch, who could cut them out in a second. Look what he did to the News of the World, he ruthlessly cut the rope during his scorched earth retreat,” a journalist at one of his papers said.

Mission Impossible 6 Film Will Be About Tom Cruise Marriage

Speaking from the MI6 studios in Los Angeles, Joel Ephraim, one of the producers on the project detailed some plot elements: “Throughout the film, Tom will be fighting like hell to keep Katie Holmes married to himself so as not to reveal his homosexuality. We’ve also got a great cameo role for John Travolta, he comes in towards the end and it’s like both of them ride into the sunset together afterwards – oh shit, spoiler alert. You know, like Brokeback meets the Lone Ranger meets Hostel, or maybe a fucked up version of Batman and Robin. Go see the movie, it is so intense, you will fuckin’ love it.”

D-meter madness

Actress Katie Holmes will be seen escaping the clutches of Cruise and the Church of Scatology handlers from the cult’s compound in the desert.

“One particular scene really got me. These Scatologists are brainwashing Katie, trying to make her believe that she is in a regular marriage with a straight man, and believe me, she really wants to believe. They’re trying so hard that the poor broad is bleeding out of her eyeballs. Dangling used underpants in her face and shit. We got Cruise and Travolta slapping her around under an interrogation lamp talkin’ about Kretins and Klingons invading her mind and other such nonsense. Time is running out, if Cruise and Travolta do not do something quick, the world will know the truth about their fake marriages. Meanwhile, Kelly Preston is in another room getting the same treatment as Holmes. At one point in the scene – it was really quite poignant – Cruise gets a marker pen and draws a beard over her face. He just keeps shouting, “Why can’t you be like this?” over and over and over. She finally escapes, I won’t tell you how, but she is awarded a medal for lasting five years,” Ephraim said.

Mission Impossible 6 will be the defining movie out of the whole MI franchise, and audiences will finally see revealed, what they always knew about Tom Cruise.

“I saw the test screening and people came out traumatised. This movie needs to be seen, not only for Tom’s sake but every ones,” Mr Ephraim, told reporters outside the studio yesterday.

Mission Impossible 6 will be out next week.

Obamacare: Half of South America Happy About Supreme Court Ruling

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“We happy! Not only do we get amnesty as illegal aliens but we also get healthcare guaranteed. We got whole villages waiting to come over. Thank you Obama. We finally get the healthcare the gringos get,” Manuel Escondo, 54, a Mexican man who arrived illegally over the border crossing in Arizona yesterday, told Fox news.

All over South America, from Mexico to Peru, some of the poorest people in the world have been given a lifeline.

Healthcare is something that most South Americans have never had, and now with a much publicised amnesty on illegal immigrants in the US, the influx of poor people looking for better lives in North America will increase by approximately 4500% per annum according to US Immigration statistical projections .

Border patrol units have already seen a huge increase in people crossing over the border.

“We now have an open door policy here under Obama, and with the healthcare ruling, it is going to be hard to keep people out. Everyone and their uncle is going to want to come over. Look what happened in Britain. They have free healthcare for all, free housing for all and porous borders with no controls. That’s why half the Third World is over there in that tiny island right now tearing up the asshole of the UK. You try and get treatment in their crowded overrun hospitals now? They don’t have the resources to cope as well as overworked staff and limited equipment. We’re a big country you say! Yeah, but the US does not have unlimited resources either. Sooner or later we’re going to get full up too,” Joel Esterhausen, a border guard in Arizona told a local radio station.