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Man Sues Fast Food Chicken Restaurant After Burger Made Him Gay

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“I used to be a heterosexual Christian family man with four kids and a loving wife. After eating at the Chick Fil-A restaurant I started to wear pink clothes, go around with a limp wrist and enjoy sessions with other men in public toilets. I now have a good eye for curtains and soft furnishings as well as men’s butts. I also have this irresistable urge to join the priesthood in the Catholic church,” Mr Pendlebrock told a jury hearing yesterday at Siouxville County Court in West Bend.

The man said he had gone into the fast food restaurant on Tuesday and ordered a Chick Fil-A chicken burger with cheese.

“I was heterosexual before I took a bite of that burger. Now I’m a raging homo. I need to go to bath houses to get my ass fondled by strange guys I never met before. I’m relocating to San Francisco and told my wife and four kids that I’ll send ’em a postcard from the frisky gay village of Frisco,” he said.

Mr Pendlebrock was additionally arrested on Thursday by West Bend police officers when he was caught sniffing the urinals of a local library’s toilets and coming onto the officers when they told him to stop.

Even though Mr Pendlebrock is enjoying his new gay lifestyle, he says that he still wants to sue the owner of Chick Fil-A because he did not ask to be turned into a homosexual. His lawyer, Julian Coquering, said that his client wanted $30 million in damages so that he can buy a lifetimes worth of lube.

Sales for the fast food restaurant suffered a little after the news was released of the gay inducing burgers.

“Shiiiit. I don’t want to eat at a joint that turns you into a sh*t stabber,” Lewis Shirtlifter, 23, told local news outlet, WKYJLLY news.

Somali Olympic Sailing Team Runs Into Trouble After Shooting and Hijacking Opponents

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A Danish yacht was boarded just before the finish line as the Somali team tried to hijack the boat with AK 47s and RPGs.

“We had just come around the last leg off Weymouth’s Esplanade when we saw the Somali team boat, which did not actually have any sails, but had a black skull and crossbones flag on the impromptu mast. The boat was powered by an outboard motor, which is kind of cheating anyway. Twelve armed men boarded our boat and said they were going to kidnap us for ransom,” Jens Sigorson, the Danish team captain told BBC Sport.

According to Olympic officials, shots were fired when the Danes refused to capitulate to the armed boarding party. The race ended at 4.30 pm and the Somali team’s captain was arrested and disqualified for piracy.

Captain Abdi Maaaxxalalaa, with his crew of eleven merry men, will be airlifted back to Mogadishu later on today.

Country Legalises Drugs Bringing Economic Riches and Harmony

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The historic moment of the legalisation of drugs brought traffic to a standstill across the country as thousands of motorists stopped in the streets to honk their horns and show their appreciation of the landmark ruling.

“I’ve never seen anything so beautiful. Every man and woman and child got together in the streets hugging each other,” John Swiddle, 43, a carpenter from Harlow, Essex told the BBC.

There was true happiness as the decriminalisation of class A drugs finally was brought into reality and people started to rejoice in the streets.

The Treasury is also rejoicing today as the VAT that will be added to the Class A drugs will ensure Britain’s economic recovery many times over.

It is estimated that drug tax could bring the Treasury over 2.8 trillion pounds per annum, not including other revenue streams like taxation of drug suppliers and other periphery industries.

“It is not only great for the government’s tax receipts but also good for the eradication of drug dealers and drug gangs that have blighted our cities for so long. From now on, Britain has entered the 21st century where citizens will be given the choice of what they want to do. If you want to inject heroin, smoke opium, make hash brownies or snort cocaine, then you will be free to do so. If you want to take an LSD tab or some peyote, please do, you will love it, and as long as we get the value added tax, then we will be happy to see you smoke that Camberwell carrot,” Prime Minister, David Cameron told ITN news on Thursday.

Just as there is an alcohol limit when driving a motor vehicle or operating complicated machinery, so too will there be new laws drafted in that will deal with safety issues.

“Naturally there will have to be elements of safe use for workers who are in positions of responsibility. We can’t have aeroplane pilots, for example, chasing the dragon whilst flying to Adis Abbaba, or bus drivers smoking crack pipes in between stops. That kind of thing will, of course, have to be regulated, as already alcohol is regulated to some degree,” Ernest Penderwatt, a civil servant working on the new drug legalisation white paper told the Economist magazine.

The Chancellor, who is at the forefront of the new drug legislation, was not available for comment today as he was too busy staring at the beauty and intricate cosmological composition of a water droplet coming down his window pane in his study.

Supergirl Chinese Swimmer Can Fly As Well

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Chinese gold medal swimmer Ye Shiwen has amazed Olympic audiences not only with her inhuman torpedo swimming techniques but her flying skills as well.

“After the swim – she finished first of course – she then got out of the pool and shot up through the roof of the swimming venue into the sky at great speed. We all ran out to see her flying at about cruising altitude of 35,000 feet. She must have been gone for a good seven minutes before we saw her descending through the clouds. She had a great smile on her face when she landed still in her swim suit. It was the most amazing thing I have ever seen,” Tony Feathers, one of the audience for the 100m women’s freestyle event told the BBC.

Air traffic controllers at London’s City Airport also saw Ye Shiwen as she travelled at approximately 650 mph.

“We can confirm that we tracked an unidentified object travelling at great speed above the Olympic venue briefly buzzing our control tower as the object skimmed past the airport,” a shocked air traffic controller recalled.

Chinese Olympic authorities were quick to downplay the incident.

“She is human just like you and me. No she does not do special drugs,” Fing Fing Fung, told the Daily Mail.

Cardboard Cutouts to Fill Empty Olympic Seats

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The approach of filling venues with cardboard cutouts will make the empty stadiums look fuller than they really are, according to Olympic organisers

A spokeswoman for the London organizing committee said Sunday it had begun filling thousands of empty seats in accredited areas with cardboard cutouts.

“No one wants to watch a bunch of brainwashed men and women running around a track for hours on end or jumping into sand pits. This is why we’re having trouble with the frickin’ seats. They’d rather shave their eyes with rusty razors than watch that boring crap,” said Lewis Sebastians, secretary of the organizing committee.

Organisers will also pipe in audience cheering sounds to the events, otherwise there would be total silence during the athletic competitions.

“You’ve got to know when to press the right button. We’ve got one button for cheering and clapping successful athletes, one for losing athletes and another for just general crowd bustling sounds. The speakers are hidden behind the cardboard cutouts so no one will be the wiser,” the technician in charge of the audience audio told the BBC.

Where Were You When Twilight Couple Pattinson and Stewart Split?

“I’ll never forget that day, I had just washed my dad’s car and logged onto the net and I saw the news about Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart. I cried all day when I saw the horrible news, how could she?” John Lentle, 17, a High School football quarterback told the Arkley Chronicle in Tampa, Florida.

“The end of the world as we know it”

Jane Santorino, 15, from Las Quintas, California, was getting ready for her birthday party with her friends when they heard on the radio: “It was like oh my god, like how could this be happening? Oh my god, gag me with a .. Oh my god, we all started to cry. This is the worst news I ever heard in my life. We cancelled the birthday party and all sat around holding candles around a picture of Robert as we cried like f*cking babies.”

“The tragedy”

All over the world there have been tears of sorrow for the split couple.

Mary Silcott, 23, from Manchester, England, was indignant: “Kristin has stabbed us all in the back. I feel as if I am frozen in time. I cannot eat or drink. I cry constantly and my disbelief is slowly turning to anger. This has shattered my innocence and I am a basic shell of my former self.”

“Watching the world collapse around me”

“This is worse than a terrorist attack on home soil. I can’t eat anymore and all I do is stare at the wall hoping that they get back together,” Angela Hougnat, 19, from New York, told local news outlets.

“At school everyone cried,” another teenager told CNN.

One teen from California said: “The day I heard was the day the earth stood still.”

“Worldwide crisis talks”

Worldwide news stations have been running the terrible news on permanent loop for over a week now. America is in a state of mourning from this terrible Twilight terrorist attack creating fear and sadness amongst its youth.

There are calls from many for the United Nations to do something over the Twilight tragedy.

“I have called Ban Ki Moon, the UN Secretary General to solve this terrible tragedy with Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart,” a sympathetic Barack Obama revealed to NBC news.

Policy Institute: War With Iran Would Ensure Obama Second Term

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“What you going to do during a major war with Iran? Vote for the other guy and make the war unstable? No, you vote for the same guy. It worked for Bush and it will work for this Obama guy,” Dr. Rubio Kellowack, who is the key spokesman for the Policy Institute think tank in Washington, said on Friday.

There are many clues to when the conflict will begin, especially the loose ends tied up in Syria with the impending downfall of Assad. Syria will be a key area strategically and militarily once defeated for the US and Israel to park their forces as well as use of their airspace, bypassing Turkey.

Preparations are also underway in moving US Naval forces within the reach of the Straits of Hormuz in the Persion Gulf so as to thwart any attempts at blockading the major oil route for tankers to the West. The US recently unveiled a new series of ‘bunker buster‘ bombs that could penetrate 200 feet of concrete, and these would be ideal for the vast Iranian nuclear complexes in places like Bushehr, Qom, Fordow and Natanz.

Obama will get his second term any way he can, if it involves capitulating to the constant Israeli whinging to bomb Iran, then so be it. Obama will go along with the Israelis as long as they ensure his second term, irrespective of Romney’s insipid attempts at presidency. Romney has shown himself to be a weak unpopular poor effort of a statesman with limited worldly understanding or grasp of the ordinary needs of his countrymen.

As to the effects of a sudden strike on Iran for the world economy, the Institute says that this would be at best minimal.

“You might get a little spike in the oil price but that can be tempered with our oil reserves. The US always has a large stockpile in case of moments like this,” Mr Kellowack added.

There are many variables involved in an Iranian attack, and possible foreseeable problems, for example, where does the radioactive fallout go if there is nuclear detonation? What happens if the US and Israel step on Russian toes during the attack? If the world economy suffers too much, then martial law will have to be introduced because of the breakdown in domestic and International order. The Russians and Chinese have all been instrumental in supporting Iranian nuclear aspirations, what if they decide to wade in and attack?

As long as Obama gets his second term, who cares?

Comrade Cameron Hails Soviet British Olympic Games Ceremony

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Commissar Boyle, who commandeered the wonderful event, must be applauded for his true soviet spirit. He honoured the British soviet workers who built our soviet state, the British Bolshevik Revolution and he honoured our wonderful soviet health service as well as the hard-working soviet engineers who built the stadiums where the games will be held.

Royaume-Uni Nil Points

A visiting Chinese comrade, Hu Jarse said this of the opening ceremony: “Even we couldn’t get more soviet than these British soviet games. Your socialist credentials completely trumped our games. We bow down in abject reverence to your soviet spirit.”

Throughout the opening ceremony for the soviet games, the audience was constantly reminded of Britain’s push towards a multicultural soviet state where brown people are put amongst the indigenous whites as tokens of soviet tolerance.

“The whites still detest the darkies but it is their sovietized duty to portray a friendly state where token dark people are accepted into socialist society, whereas in reality they are living in ghettoised soviet housing projects in inner city areas,” Commissar Hunt told the state BBC channel last night.

Comrade Boyle’s Glavrepertkom also applauded the Mensheviks, the British Social Democratic Labour Party, as well as the Stasi organisations that now dominate British soviet culture and society.

“Our children are now urged to rat out tax avoiding neighbours. You must fear all children as they are the new voice of the state. You can be taken away to a soviet British gulag at any time for a careless thoughtcrime on Twitter. This is your Stasi Soviet British State, where every communication is surveilled and logged. This is what Britain has become, be proud of this comrades, commissars, and Bolshevik warriors. You are all criminals now under our state. Thoughtcrime does not entail death: thoughtcrime is death,” a proud soviet worker said at the end of the ceremony.

Romney Not Ready For US Presidency

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“I, I, I, d-d-d-don’t think I’m ready to be president yet,” the presidential un-hopeful told NBC reporter Carl Ebert, before shuffling off the screen.

During his trip to London, the former Massachusetts governor, visited Number10 Downing Street to see British PM David Cameron even though he did not know who he was.

The timid Mitt Romney has never been out of the United States before, so this trip to London must be quite nerve racking for him.

“Poor chap looked lost. He, like most Americans does not even realise that there is a whole world out there. He has never been out of the USA and he must be trembling with fear at the newness of it all. I hope he has better geography skills than that other Republican, Sarah Palin,” a Whitehall official told the Telegraph.

One thing is for sure, one guy was watching the proceedings from Washington with a huge smile on his face.

Why Obama Has to Finish His American European Project

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“We want to be like Europe, a socialist Marxist bloc which has huge taxation, huge welfare spending and bureaucracy up the ass. America is well on the way, thanks to my policies to become a copy of Europe. Soon you will have European taxes, European prices, European surveillance, European bureaucracy and European health care. Socialism is the only answer for Americans, because it has been proven that Capitalism creates rich people if you work hard; we don’t want rich people, we want everyone to be poor. We want the system to be like Europe so that if you work hard, you’re still poor. We want to take your wealth and redistribute it to the welfare people. We want half of Mexico on U.S. food stamps, we want illegal immigrants to come to the U.S. from Latin America and be given everything at your expense. What about weapons in America? Well, the new European America will have no citizens holding weapons, no siree, if we find one on you, you go to prison folks. Don’t be shooting anymore, we want you unarmed, because the only people who will be armed will be the tyranny, us, my man Eric Holder will make damn sure he will have you people disarmed if it’s the last thing he does. I give him full authority to disarm America. There will be no more Batman shooters, because the kids won’t be able to get their mail order guns any more. America must be disarmed just like the Europeans have been disarmed, mentally as well as physically. The European people are a beaten people, a cowardly people who stood by as they were overrun by a tyrannical EU socialist state. America will be the same, because we hypnotised you to stop and not do anything. You will take your orders and smile about it. We want you to be cowards like the Europeans. Yellow Jello European coward people not fit to lick the dog turd off Merkel’s boot heel. You wanted change folks, the new Socialist America, where there will be European Austerity/Poverty, total subjugation, total control and disarmament will be your change. I have no regard for you, the American people, because you will become gutless cowards just like the European people are just so that you can keep some of your goodies. You will be nameless, voteless and paying huge costs for everyday goods like fuel, food and utilities. Just look at the new Socialist government in France where the rich are now paying 75% taxation on all earnings. They do not want people to prosper in France, everyone is to be poor, so too will America. Your American Dream does not mean shit, especially to a Marxist like me. We will give your wealth to the ghettos, to the illegal immigrants, to the lazy, to the feckless, just like the European welfare system. Say goodbye to your wealth as I introduce so much taxation that you will not have any tea left to dump in f*cking Boston harbour. Say goodbye to it all, for you know you WILL vote for me. I have already fooled the blacks to vote for me, now the Hispanics will vote for me as I make false promises for them in the next election. Promises I will of course not keep like the other bullsh*t I told y’all last time. I will be voted in, and the predominantly white Republican Americans are in the minority now. You are finished, when I get a second term I will crush you all once and for all. I will put you all in a room and force Nancy Pelosi to undress in front of you and wave her mangy cooty over their shocked faces. You Republicans, are going to be no more, you have been overrun, you have been emasculated. It is impossible for Romney to win against me because I have mobilised the voters against him through means that he will never be able to understand,” Obama told CNN in the White House’s Rose Garden on Tuesday.

After the president’s speech in the Rose Garden, there were cheers and applause as all assembled praised Obama for his wonderful words.

Already, sentiment towards Obama is increasing for the better across America and his following especially in key states is rising daily.

“We got this one in the bag. There’s something about Americans wanting their presidents finishing the job they set out to do. We gave G.W Bush a second chance to ruin America’s standing and economy, so we will give Barack Hussein Obama a second chance to do the same. We want him to complete his mission,” an Obama supporter told CBS news.