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Gordon Brown: Scottish Independence Could Severely Hinder Scots Benefits System

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 The former Prime Minister said the Union between England and Scotland was based on the “leeching of English resources” that meant Scottish citizens benefitting from the welfare state would suffer if they were to ever split from England.

“Where are you going to get your booze and fags from when you ain’t got no more money from down South? We’ve been bleeding those sassenach bastards dry for years. You don’t want to work do you? Well, stop with this Independence nonsense you bawbags.”

Mr Brown also warned that transferring financial powers only to the Scottish Parliament would mean SNP ministers having to cut spending or increase taxes to balance the books.

“Independence would be a nightmare for us. Imagine having to increase taxes on booze and ciggies. What about the benefits where you don’t have to work but drink all day and spike your fuckin’ veins? If the Southern bastards stop paying, who’s going to pay for it? You might have to get a job.” Mr Brown added.

The end of the 300-year-old union with England would be a major blow for about 87% of Scottish people who are unemployed and have never worked a day in their life living off benefits from the English taxpayer.

“I’ve ne’er worked a mingin day in mah life an’ ah gie £2,500 a week in benefits nae includin’ mah hoosin’ benefit, cooncil tax benefit an’ free methadain, cheb implants frae th’ NHS. Whit th’ feck am ah gonnae dae withit ‘at? Aam scunnurt and illiterate, lazee an’ reek loch booze aw th’ time. Alex Salmond, ye Shrek lookalike, gonnae-no feckin’ wi’ mah benefits frae Englain,” Carol McFenster, 26, a single unemployed Aberdeen woman with fourteen children from different partners, told The Scotsman newspaper.

Obama Speech in Denver Rallies Workers to His Cause

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“The choice between going backward and moving forward has never been so clear. We need to embrace a theory in which class struggle is a central element in the analysis of social change in America. I am asking you, the proletariat to rise up and bring forth this profound change,” Obama told the audience gathered inside the Auraria Events Center on the Auraria campus downtown Denver.

The approximately 20-minute speech focused heavily on his new state health care bill, and his new collectivist agricultural and state policies, as well as the role of the female proleteriat members in the new proposed state structure. Obama’s future change policies also feature the mass redistribution of wealth, rights for all illegal immigrants, nationalisation of all industry, disarming the people, and the introduction of heavy internet surveillance/regulation.

Under the old American system the president was opposing, Obama said that: “The proletariat, the working class or ‘the people,’ own only their capacity to work; they have the ability only to sell their own labour.”

According to Obama the proletariat are only defined by their ability to work. The president said that “Vast change was needed by Americans with class struggles, wars, and uprisings. Under the Romney or Republican system, I have reiterated the point, that the workers, in order to support their families are paid a bare minimum wage or salary. The worker is alienated because he has no control over the labour or product which he produces. The old corporate Americanized system sells the products produced by the workers at a proportional value as related to the labour involved. Thus, surplus value is the difference between what the worker is paid and the price for which the product is sold.”

Obama took the stage to cheers of “Four more years” from the crowd, estimated by fire officials at 4,000 people. The crowds cheered his name over and over again.

Obama then added: “We are seeing these Republican party created recessions increasing in number every day. The proletariat are in perpetual misery as the result of economic recessions; these recessions result because the working class is unable to buy the full product of their labours and the ruling capitalists do not consume all of the surplus value. There can only be change from this terrible Republican party created malaise and wastage. A proletariat or socialist revolution must occur, where the state (the means by which the ruling class forcibly maintains rule over the other classes) is a dictatorship of the proletariat. Eventually communism will evolve from socialism out of this progression. I say to you my fellow Americans: ‘From each according to his ability, to each according to his needs.’ I will see Change in America in my lifetime and you will help me attain this Change.”

After the speech, there were ecstatic applause and cheers from the assembled crowds holding Obama placards.

Prince William New Haircut Causes Stir at Olympics

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The haircut sported by the prince seemed to channel the style of Justin Bieber, and caused a bit of a storm during the badminton match.

“It was all eyes on the prince’s new haircut. Naturally people tried to watch the exciting match between the GB team who were playing against Kazakhstan, but the suspense of watching the prince was too much,” Edgar Holinder, a BBC sport commentator later added.

The prince attended the game with the duchess of Cambridge and was seen flicking his new haircut with excitement as team GB went ahead in the second set.

“Prince William looked wonderful with his new haircut. He seemed so proud of it and touched it every few minutes. I think the Bieber-style chop suits him just fine, he certainly brings a royal tinge to the style. I can imagine a crown on his bonce with that haircut. Well done William,” an avid royal fan in the audience told the BBC.

Team GB Claws Back Gold That Gordon Brown Sold Off

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“Gordon Brown sold off the UK’s gold reserves at the bottom of the market in 1999 losing the UK economy £10 billion when he was the Chancellor of the Exchequer. We’re trying to claw back some of the losses he incurred on the British people and economy when he sold off 400 tonnes of our gold at rock bottom prices,” Desmond Lenolson, an Olympic Heptathlon gold medal winner told the Daily Mail.

Unfortunately for the athletes, the Olympic gold medals are not worth much in gold value but are worth more in future sponsorship deals for athletes as well as advertising revenue for the future.

“It’s worth a try though, there was Gordo who put Great Britain in the shitter and here we are bringing it back from the brink. We’ve got so many golds for Team GB that we don’t know what to do with ’em. It’s marvellous mate, we’ve shown everyone that there is hope in the country yet. Hooray!” another happy Team GB gold medal winner said.

Treasury documents released under a freedom of information request revealed the sorry truth that Ed Balls and Ed Miliband were both implicitly involved on the gold sale while working as Special Advisers to Gordon Brown at the time of the sale.

Aussie Athletes Shipped to Australia After Nicking Gold Medals From Brits

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With only two gold medals by the Australian Olympic team, the Aussies have now resorted to stealing the medals from British athletes.

“Stop there thief!”

Britain now has eighteen Olympic gold medals as opposed to only two Australian gold medals.

Police constable, Gerald Whittington of the Metropolitan police, has described an incident where some of the Australian athletes, who did not win any Olympic medals, were caught stealing gold medals at Olympic venues.

“We caught the Aussies red handed, they went into the changing rooms and tried to pilfer our athletes’ gold medals. Just because they can’t win any themselves. Well, it’s off to a prison colony for you scallywags.”

The Australian athletes were shipped to Port Jackson from Portsmouth yesterday and the ship carrying over two hundred criminals will get to Australia some time next year.

“We hope to start a new colony over there, but first we will have to build some prisons to hold the new colonists,” Admiral Stanley Pitkin, told the BBC.

Shooting is a Form of Greeting in America

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Americans love their guns so much that now social science experts have for the first time identified the different ways Americans greet each other.

“Hello. Bang!”

“Three bursts of a semi automatic means that you are happy to meet someone, but emptying a whole clip into someone you just met means that you are extra pleased to see them,” social scientist at Texas University, Dr. Gabriel Batista, told Science Journal magazine.

If you turn up to a meeting in public wearing a bullet proof vest, then you are seen by other Americans as disrespectful to gun play.

“Bulletproof vests or any type of body armour are a real no, no. You’ll get a head shot just for that, because you’re giving off the vibe that you don’t want to get shot. That’s a serious diss to a shooter,” Dr. Batista added.

“Is that a gun in your pocket..?”

If a shooter sprays bullets in every direction shooting as much as he can indiscriminately, this is seen as a sign of true joy for an American.

Spraying bullets everywhere means that an American is reaching out in all directions. He or she is showing their love for everything. Americans are very passionate people and guns are a way of showing their affection.

“As for wearing a turban in the presence of an American packing a semi-automatic pistol, you might as well put a f*cking target on your head. It’s open season on your ass,” Graham Egsitwund, an NRA spokesman in El Paso told CNN.

Multiculturism OK In Britain If You Win Gold Medals

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“Just before I got to the stadium on the tube, a woman spat in my face and called me a ‘foreign scum bag’ and told me to go back to where I came from,” Jessie Abdellah, a British-born athlete of Yemeni origin told the Daily Mail.

Ms Abdella, 23, then went on to win two gold medals and a bronze for Britain, and was praised for her dedication to British athletics.

“If she had not got any medals at all, of course, the story would be quite different, but she’s one of us now,” Tony Wallis, a commentator told the Olympics BBC coverage team during the Sunday marathon races.

Welcome to multicultural Britain, where the gold medals will make you less hated for all of two minutes.

NHS to Only Treat Healthy People

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“If you’re not healthy, then I’m afraid we cannot treat you,” David Sanders, chief executive of the Northern England Health Trust told the BBC.

The latest NHS ruling is a positive development in cost cutting that could benefit the Health Service and bring it back from the brink of bankruptcy.

“Instead of treating people who are actually sick at great cost to the NHS, we will only treat healthy people who basically need minimal or no treatment thus saving huge amounts of money. Hospital beds could be freed up in minutes, and there would be hardly any need for such things as operating theatres,” Mr Sanders revealed.

The new NHS rules will come into effect next week across the UK.

Rainforest Spotted Near Birmingham

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“The constant rain has created a lush canopy above our heads. I can see Siamangs up there, a few Toucans, and look over there a poison arrow frog,” Dr Donald Beadle, has told National Geographic magazine.

The rainforest is teaming with wildlife and explorers are now flocking to the area to discover new species.

“We had to send out a search party yesterday after a team from Gosport were lost for three days. They could have been eaten by crocodiles or piranha in the river that goes through the rainforest. We still haven’t given it a name,” Dr. Livingstone, another explorer told the BBC.

Naturalist, Sir David Attenborough was also extremely excited by the new development.

“I don’t have to travel to Brazil anymore, the new rainforest is just off the M1 motorway near junction 42. It’s absolutely astounding. I can’t wait to start filming,” Attenborough said.

New Macaulay Culkin Film ‘Heroin Alone’ Gets Critical Acclaim

“Watching this movie is like getting some pure Afghan brown, sitting down in your room, putting that cord around your arm and going to bliss land. I felt like I was in a world of cotton wool, where problems were far away from me, I rolled my eyes back and enjoyed the blanket of supreme comfort envelope me, protecting me from everything,” Robert Elswood, 34, a cinemagoer from Chicago told Variety magazine.

“Ten out of ten stars!” screamed Empire magazine’s reviewer. “I went into this movie fully awake. After I got up to leave, at what I thought was the end of the movie I just kept feeling the urge for just one more hit. I had to see it again, and again, and again. I am an addict. My withdrawal symptoms involved violent shaking, projectile vomiting, sweating and grinding my teeth. The slightest touch from someone would feel like searing pain, I was burning up and freezing at the same time. I had to go back to the theatre for another viewing,” James Brownstone, Empire magazine’s chief film reviewer said in his column.

Another reviewer for the New York Times said: “I need rehab after watching this movie. Tomorrow, I’m flying to Thailand to an exclusive detox centre so that I can get clean again.”

The format of ‘Heroin Alone’ is similar to Home Alone I, II, III, IV and V, except Kevin has now grown up and moved out of his parents’ house. He lives in an apartment in the Upper East Side and shoots up heroin alone all day and night. This time, he is good friends with Harry (Joe Pesci) who helps him score more smack by burglarising rich people’s apartments in Manhattan. The poignant part of the movie that will make you tear up, is the bit when he cleans out his parents’ house of everything so that he can get one more hit of heroin. Throughout the well shot cinematic film, Kevin is portrayed as a lost child looking for an answer and only finding it at the end of a needle. There will not be a dry eye in the house, just be sure to take care exiting the cinema you are in, as nationwide, film fans have been dropping used needles on the floors of the film theatres.