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Athens Last Chance on Last Chance on Last Chance

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“This is the last chance of the last chance saloon in the last chance of the last chance within a massive last chance,” Mr Juncker said yesterday after meeting Greek PM Antonis Samaras.

The Greek Prime Minister was in jovial mood as he was given yet another last chance: “The Germans have given us another chance within another chance, of course we had another chance last week, and the week before that too. They have given us one chance after another. Stupid krauts are giving us another chance, what a bunch of suckers.”

The Greek last chance show will be repeated every few months for the next twenty to thirty years so don’t miss the last chance on the Greek euro question for another chance to catch the last chance.

Prince Harry Has Lost His Nazi Uniform Again

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“Over and over we tell him to keep his Nazi uniform on but here he is again photographed without it frolicking in the nude. Oh dear Prince Harry, what on earth are we going to do with you?” James Albright, a royal palace spokesman was recorded as saying today by the Daily Telegraph.

Prince Harry also lost his trusty swastika arm band and another one will have to be made up for him when he gets back to Blighty.

“You know these Germans, any chance to take off the old Nazi gear and get stuck in strafing some Yankee bint with his Stuka,” a royal commentator told the BBC today.

Meanwhile, back in Balmoral, Prince Philip was said to be incandescent with rage at the news the young prince had lost his uniform once again.

Todd Akin Was Legitimately Raped in Disabled Mall Toilet

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“I was legitimately raped in the ass by a big black man called Bubba. My emotions saved me though and I released a hormone so I won’t get AIDS,” Mr Akin said from his hospital bed.

The Senate hopeful will be released from hospital tomorrow and will continue his campaigning for the Republican party.

“If you have a belief in Jesus and you get raped, God releases emotions and hormones that stop bad things happening to you. My belief is the same if women are raped and the body releases a hormone and their emotions stop the sperm. It’s all true because I read it in the bible damn it,” Mr Akin added before rolling his eyes and getting back to his bible study.

Doctors today confirmed that Mr Akin has been legitimately infected with HIV.

Romney Will Send Bust of Karl Marx Back When Obama Leaves White House

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As soon as Obama won the presidency in 2009 he walked into the White House and ordered the removal of the bust of Winston Churchill, which former president George W Bush had looked at every day of his presidency. Mr Obama replaced the Churchill bust with that of Karl Marx, who he holds in high regard, more so than the British bulldog, Churchill, who fought and won against the Nazis in World War II.

“Barack Hussein Obama sent the Winston Churchill bust back to England where it came from. He couldn’t even look at it in the face. He was practically spitting at that thing because it stood for everything he hated. Freedom and democracy. That is something that makes Obama wince, plus he hates the Brits so much he gets angry at the mere mention of Britain. They hurt his family in Kenya, where he was born, and he will never forget that,” Ellen Shapiro, a White House aide told CNN.

Mitt Romney, however has vowed to restore Churchill to his rightful place, and he will get that Karl Marx statue and send it back to where it came from.

“Obama has created so much debt for our nation that even if every American paid 100% income tax for the next thirty years, there is no way we could ever pay the interest alone on our national debt. This is what we have to work with here. He has effectively ruined America three hundred times over with his reckless spending and he knows what he’s done. I’m going to take the Karl Marx bust and get it melted down, then mould it into the ultimate symbol of capitalism, a can of coke. Barack can have that. When I get into the White House, we’re going to get back into making money, that’s what America is good for and I want all y’all citizens to join me in getting rich. Obama made everyone poor, apart from the public sector workers. Well, under my way, we’re all going to be rich. I’m a business man. I make money, and I want to make so much money that it lifts the stock markets up, the world economy jumps up and we get out of this stinking socialist mess. So what if I’m a Mormon, shit lets get rich fuckers!” Mitt Romney said whilst touring Wisconsin on Friday.

It seems that Americans have two choices come November. Either going for economic riches or poverty.

Now the Olympics Are Over Let’s Get Back to the Recession

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“Don’t want to be a f*cking killjoy or anything but we couldn’t afford the f*cking Olympics. We already have a massive deficit and spending is going through the roof. We’re not in a double dip recession but a prolonged depression. People are starving in the streets of the East End, and you’ve got a big smile on your face you irresponsible c*nt? So what if you got a gold medal, what’s that going to do? Nothing! Is the gold medal going to pay for the deficit, the millions of people on the dole, the thousands of asylum seekers walking into this country every hour of the day? Is the gold medal going to pay for the millions of pounds wasted on useless government initiatives, the civil servant pensions, the council bosses, the pensions black hole, the care bills, the fuel bills, the council tax bills, the NEETS, the chavs? What about the thousands of pram faces walking the streets dropping babies like f*cking sweeties so that they can grow up and be benefit scroungers just like their mums?” a man from Stratford, told a London radio station.

Luckily for George Osborne, there is a chink of light at the end of the tunnel. More taxation should solve the stranglehold over the economy and is just the medicine needed.

“The Chancellor is doing a stellar job of increasing taxation to such levels that Britain grinds to a complete halt. This is a great way of stimulating the economy so that no one can do business and people are punished for working. When we have 87% tax on fuel, and huge VAT costs, as well as repressive stamp duty, this basically stifles the economy to a level that kills growth. You cannot grow in an oppressive environment like the one George Osborne has created. It is impossible for the UK’s economy to grow when everything is taken away from the worker. In Britain, one has to work for eleven and a half months purely to make any money for himself. The rest of the time, the money goes straight to taxes and bills. This is what it is like living in George Osborne’s Britain,” another radio listener said on Sunday night.

Pussy Riot Girls Holding Daily Squib Writers Ransom

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The British version of the Pussy Riot Girls have invaded the Daily Squib offices. I am currently writing this article from under a table in the office and a Pussy Riot Girl just stepped on my leg. Ouch that hurt. They say they are invading the Daily Squib offices because we are the only media outlet left in the UK that tells the truth. They say that they want to relay a message to all Pussy Riot Girls around the world to rise up and cause Pussy Mayhem. The liberation of the Great Pussy in the Sky will help all Pussy Riot Girls to rise up against Anti-Pussy Tyranny just like that big macho thug Putin is doing to the Russian Pussy Riot Girls I have just been told to write.

We have had Pussy Riot Girls subdue a few Squib writers, by means of wrapping their thighs around our heads and squeezing hard. Our sub-sub-editor, John Thomas was knocked out this morning when a Pussy Riot Girl used her Pussy Riot Technique to stop the blood going to his head, which one we’re not sure of but he is still out for the count. He is now recovering in the photocopy room with a Pussy Riot Girl standing over him with her knee high boots positioned over his testicles just in case he makes any sudden moves.

We are appealing for help for the Pussy Riot Girls. We are not against you and will write whatever you want. Ouch. \jsvkkjvsjkvbsbjvksbjks sdji

A Pussy Riot Girl just stood on my fingers. The Pussy Riot girls are demanding the release of the Russian Pussy Riot Girls from prison immediately. Putin you monkey faced botox freak..you better release the Russian Pussy Riot Girls immediately.

Please help!!! A Pussy Riot Girl just put her thighs around my ,s,shh ss sdishdui idhuiuhsd hudsuhi dudhhdhd sisisdddd…………..

Aspartame Drip Can Reduce Sugar Cravings

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“Everyone who has a constant aspartame drip administering high dosage levels at all times will not have any problems with sugar cravings,” Doctor Arnold Kovalic, told NBC news about the new program.

According th the medical journal in which the new treatment was published, the aspartame drips will be portable and able to be transported with the patient wherever they go.

“As long as you don’t take it down a water slide you should be OK but there are some people who could not handle going down a water slide without craving a bucketful of glazed donuts,” Dr Kovalic added.

The Department of Health has already put in an order for millions of the drips and soon America could be overflowing with people walking around dragging a drip.

“You ever seen Day of the Walking Dead? That’s what it will be like. You got these fat obese people ambling around with vacant looks in their eyes, a drip in one arm and a  cell phone in the other clicking away. This is modern America folks, get used to it,” a critic of the aspartame treatment told Reuters news agency.

Currently low doses of aspartame used in most foods in America are a major cause of cancer.

Ecuador to Teach U.S and U.K How to be Democratic

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Speaking from the Ecuadorian embassy in London, a member of the Ecuador diplomatic service said: “The British government has threatened to storm the embassy and forcibly take the Wikileaks founder, Julian Assange away to be extradited to the U.S where he would receive an unfair trial and life imprisonment at a secret location using the excuse of a broken condom. Britain is a supposedly democratic nation where the level of surveillance is higher than any country in the world. It is a place with inhibitive laws and taxation levels that stifle human existence, it is essentially a country that resembles an East German Stasi dictatorship and the British people should be ashamed at themselves for being overrun by these undemocratic monsters.”

The British Isles have never seen democracy in its true form, and freedom of speech was permanently removed in section 5 of the 1986 public order act. The British system is more Feudal than anything else, and now that Brussels gives the orders, the UK resembles a prison colony island where individual thought or freedom is punished to the full extent of the law.

There is no democracy in the US either as they are set to introduce black box systems in all vehicles so that every journey and action by the motorist is tracked. Additionally, there are aspirations for the repeal of the Second Amendment, the right to bear arms. The disarmament of American civilians will accelerate the reduction of what little freedom Americans enjoy now, and new eco laws will be introduced rationing food, energy usage and employment for Americans.

‘Democracy’ is utilised as an illusion by Britain and America so that there are no revolutions every few years. It placates the masses with the facade of so-called democratic elections so that the status quo can prevail. Which ever party wins is of no consequence because the same people still run the show from behind the scenes with the same machinary of government.

As the police are about to storm the Ecuadorian embassy and brutally extract Julian Assange, that is proof right there that we are not living in a democracy and never have been. It has taken a nondescript South American nation to prove that very point about the brutal regime in charge on both sides of the Atlantic.

Young Ladies Celebrate Their A-Level Results

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According to all the newspapers, these young fair skinned nubile ladies have just passed their A-Level examinations.

“You might as well put up a picture of a young filly licking the head of a vanilla ice cream as she delicately flicks the succulent white fluffy substance all over her tongue winking her eye at you. It’s certainly a welcome moment in the year when the A-levels come along, that’s for sure. Beats looking at pics of some poor f*cker who just got their legs blown off in Afghanistan,” retired Colonel Samuel Treblinka, told the Daily Telegraph.

Another avid newspaper reader said: “I certainly commend the newspaper editors every year who post these pics of young ladies fresh from studying, passing their exams. As they twirl in the fields clutching their papers against their straining blouses, their innocence is captured for a second, of course before they are tossed into the cruel world of university or unemployment. Such is the cruel nature of life to see these beautiful young white women, so full of promise displaying their soft lithe bodies to everyone. They are stars for an A-Level moment. Who shall be chosen next year to be photographed and become instantly famous? I am sure they await the moment when the press photographers turn up on exam result day. Just don’t let the wife catch you salivating over the pictures or you’ll be in the f*cking dog house.”

More A-Level goodies next year. Yum.

Margaret Thatcher to be Mummified and Displayed at Number 10

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Using a new formaldehyde recipe recently formulated at the University College of London, Margaret Thatcher, possibly the most famous prime minister of modern Britain, will be displayed at 10 Downing Street in the Cabinet Room in a glass display case.

The current prime minister, David Cameron spoke about the plans from his Majorca holiday.

“It will be a great honour to see Maggie every day from her little box. She would have wanted it this way, and would not think for one second that it is macabre. No, on the contrary, she can rally the troops from her little box, irrespective of party allegiance. I bet she will hear every sordid word that is uttered at the cabinet meetings. You could say that she would be a guardian of all politics. I’ve actually heard that the taxidermist is even going to include the daggers in her back, which were, of course, placed there by her own Cabinet all those years ago,” Mr Cameron said via video link to the BBC’s studios in Manchester.

After Mrs Thatcher sadly passed away tonight at 6.30pm GMT, there were also calls for her mummified body to be initially displayed at Westminster Cathedral so that members of the public can pay their last respects to her.

“I was at the Poll Tax Riots and I’ll never forget Maggie. She was like a boil on the arse of humanity. God bless you ma’am. Rest in peace you crazy old bat,” Gerald Miner, from Yorkshire told the Northern Echo newspaper.