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Carmel Antique Dealer: “Clint Eastwood Shot My Chair Up”

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Timothy Dunnholmes, owns the only antique shop in Carmel and he has filed a lawsuit against Clint Eastwood.

“He came into my shop with one of his latest floozies, she must have been in her seventies, and Clint tries to impress the gal. He got angry at one of my prized chairs and starts telling it about Mitt Romney and how he is the only hope for America. He was babbling on and on and it seemed to go on for hours, and then he said ‘This is a 44 BB gun and it can blow your head clean off!’ and started shooting like crazy. That chair would have sold for $300 and he shot it up like it was a perp in a bank heist. I want compensation,” Mr Dunnholmes told local news stations.

Clint Eastood was not available for comment on Monday.

What the Kardashians Won’t Tell You

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In a world of smart phones that track your every move, social networks that track and log your every thought, aerial drones, TSA searches, listening devices, and banal vapid vulgar shows like the Kardashians spewed out on every network on a 24 hour loop, you might as well get your brain and liberty and put them in a shredder. This is the height of our civilisation. This is it. Out of the thousands of great thinkers and philosophers that have graced history, this is what the controllers are feeding the public. This is what they think of you, and looking around the streets, the cafes and the schools, this is what people deserve.

Tyranny of the banal

The Kardashians are the epitome of everything that has gone wrong in our civilisation, they are the antithesis of all knowledge and decency in the world. The Kardashians, and the scum that produce their show are polluters and should be tried for crimes that are too unspeakable to mention. Just for a show like the Kardashians to be broadcast is a sign that we are nearing the end of so-called civility and moving into a further state of chaos and disorder.

Technique

“One must understand that we are nearing a new engineered stage in our history. When you cry for economic growth, the controllers will say, “Why?” and this is exactly the case. Why would they want growth of the economy from a system that is unworkable, old and not needed anymore? Simply put, the consumerist era is over, and there is no growth after this. Do you think for one second that 1.3 billion Chinese people moving up to all own cars, big houses and Middle Class Western goodies is a good thing? Think again, and the same goes for the rapidly increasing population of India. If they want all the trappings of a Westerner, then there is going to be big trouble. There are only finite resources in the world to cope with the rapidly increasing populations of these countries, and America will feel the wrath of the Eastern population and economic growth soon enough. What happens in America will be felt in the UK and Europe,” a disillusioned American ex-voter told Fox news on Friday.

The spectre of economic collapse and geo-political chaos will be utilised as an opportunity by the world government to bring in the post-consumerist era. The populations were encouraged to consume and breed post World War 2 but now that the elite have reached a zenith of technological supremacy, there is no need for the consumerist populations. Instead, bloated populations are made to feel like they are taking up too much space with eco drives, energy meters, carbon credits, eco propaganda. You are the terrorist now, purely for existing.

When the intern camps are full to the brim and the smoke clears, the big screens will come on, playing more Kardashians mockingly. This is what you get for sleeping, if only you had woken up earlier.

Madonna Fires Assistant After Misspelling Obama on Her Back

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“Tonight I’m not going to show you my bony ass,” she said, according to US media.”I’m going to show my feelings. How’s that for living dangerously?”

Unfortunately for the self-proclaimed Queen of Pop there was a major malfunction by her assistant backstage because the word OBAMO was painted on her back instead of OBAMA.

Everyone in the stadium was in hysterics as they laughed and applauded the mistake, some even jeering and booing.

“Madonna did not know the mistake until after the show, and you can guess what happened then. The fur was flying and the air turned blue. Five of her assistants have been let go and even her manager, Joel Ephraim, is in the firing line. This is real serious,” a Madonna insider revealed.

This is not the first time the pop singer has made an ass of herself and it probably won’t be the last.

Romney to House Wives in East Wing After Election

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“This is something that is very important for Mitt. He wants his wives to each have their own room, and even their own communal area where they can congregate. Mitt will be in the West Wing and his wives in the East Wing,” Jane Trebiso, one of Romney’s campaigners told Reuters.

In addition to the First Wives in the White House, there will also be a Mormon Temple built in the back yard, and daily prayers will be held there.

Obama campaigners were furious with the plans and even reiterated the point that polygamy (the practice of marrying many wives) is currently outlawed by United States law and Romney would be contravening these laws if he was president.

“Mitt is a legislator. He will change the currently outdated discriminatory laws and adjust them to his faith. We need to open America up to Mormonism, to polygamy and bring God back to the people. America needs to breed more true God loving Americans, we want more wives for each man so we can breed another new America. A wholesome America where abortions and gays are outlawed. The more wives we got the better it is for that, remember there are only a few good men left, and we’re the ones with the multiple wives,” Mitt’s second in command, Jim Hallibarts, told Fox news.

David Beckham to Have Kidneys and Liver Tattooed

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The heavily tattooed football star says that he wants to have the words Burberry and Gucci tattooed in Cantonese on both his kidneys and liver.

“It’s going to be a statement innit. Everyone’s going to want to do it. I’m a pioneer, it’s money I got to spend, innit,” Mr Beckham told the Sun newspaper.

The pioneering laser tattoo operation will take four hours to complete and will cost Beckham $450,000.

“We’re getting more and more celebrities asking for this internal tattooing. It’s the ultimate in status symbols, and you can only see them if the celebrity gets a probe or surgeons operate,” Thomas Densillion, a celebrity expert for the DSX Entertainment Agency in Los Angeles told Media Week.

Thousands Afghans Surge to Join Afghan Army to Shoot Americans

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“They train us to shoot, then they pay us, and then the icing on the cake, wait for it, we get to shoot them,” a joyous Afghan army recruit said whilst waiting in line for his NATO machinegun at Kabul’s main army recruitment centre.

The Americans have noticed a massive surge in interest to join the Afghan army by the locals.

“It’s like a dream come true for them folk. We give them guns, pay them, and then they get to bag a few of us when we’re not looking. It’s like the highest honour for these Afghans to go out in a blaze of glory killing five or six US servicemen each time. They are heroes in the villages and surrounding towns,” Special Sergeant, Lewis Kowlowski, for the US Marines told CNN before being fatally shot by an Afghan recruit later on in the day.

Every day there are reports of Americans being shot to death by Afghan army recruits, and the shootings will probably increase exponentially as Afghans keep deluging the Afghan army as recruits.

“I’ve never seen anything like it. We’re getting thousands Afghans wanting to join each day. You ask ’em why they want to join the Afghan army. Some of them ain’t too clever because they will blurt out to shoot Americans, so we let them go quick, but they just come back next day and change the line to shoot Taliban,” Afghan army recruiter, Al Hertyu, told CNN.

Man Arrested For Defending Family From Burglars

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“We have arrested the man who was defending his wife and property from aggressive burglars. The burglars have been set free but the man and his wife were arrested because they tried to protect themselves,” a policeman at the scene told Human Rights lawyers.

The husband and wife were said to have disturbed the burglars during the break-in and the man shot the criminals with a shotgun injuring two.

“This will not do. The burglars could have been severely injured. We must have the Health and Safety inspectorate on site as well as the Crown Prosecution Service immediately. Protecting one’s family and property is a highly illegal practice in the United Kingdom and must be stamped out with extreme prejudice. Despicable behaviour, and these two miscreants will be tried to the full extent of British law,” QC Lloyd Davidson, told the Daily Mirror.

Empty Chair Person Could Win US Election

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Forget about Obama and Romney, a new wild card electoral candidate entered the race for the White House today.

‘Vote Empty Chair Person‘ a billboard outside Capitol Hill says. There is real mystery to this new candidate, who are they, where did they come from?

“I don’t even know if they are male or female or what political ideology they go by? All we see is an empty chair, and sometimes it moves around a bit,” a threatened Obama campaigner told CBS news.

The invisible candidate likes to sometimes rock the chair back and forth and witnesses at a recent campaign event say that they heard the chair’s occupant fall over because there was a big thud noise and an ‘ouch’ sound.

“They must’ve leaned back too far and fallen off the chair. That’ll learn ’em. We had enough dumbass presidents and we don’t need another one, let alone an invisible one,” an undecided voter said at a recent rally in Chicago.

The empty chair candidate has already raised $134 million in its first week and now it has its own tour bus on the Invisible Tour.

“America now has a third choice. Instead of voting for the two losers, you can vote for the invisible chair president. Now that’s a choice you can’t give up, so get on down to your voting booths on the day and vote for the right candidate,” Corby Nash, a neutral electoral official revealed on CNN’s Politics Day show.

Royals Watch as Poor People Thrown to Wild Dogs

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Her Majesty looked to be in good spirits today as she cheered on the annual Poor Toss Gathering in Scotland.

Clearly amused by the antics, the 86-year-old monarch was pictured laughing out loud and gesturing with her hands as she sat alongside her husband during the event.

“The Queen loved every moment of this year’s events as the poor people were ripped to shreds by wild dogs bred especially for the event. She even tossed a hand that had landed on her lap back into the dog pit, much to the amusement of everyone attending,” Royal watcher, Albert Huntington-Smythe told the BBC.

Prince Philip seems to have made a full recovery of a recent recurring bladder infection and even managed to push an old man who had lost his home, children, business and pension back into the dog pit himself.

“What a wonderful recovery by the Prince, he had an oik trying to clamber up the pit, and even though he was a little unsteady on his feet still managed to kick the poor fucker back where he was summarily savaged to pieces. Huzzah!” a royal courtier revealed.

The closed event was a great success and will be held at the same time next year, albeit with some fresh poor people.

Obama Brewing Own White House Kool-Aid

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“It’s just like 1978 all over again except we ain’t in Jonestown but Washington DC,” Jeb Marmuset, a reporter for CNN broadcast over the weekend.

According to Obama’s followers and campaign leaders, the president brews his own grape flavoured Kool-Aid and he likes to hand out the stuff to his fans on weekends.

“The president is great, he has these followers who come around, you know with that wild look in their eyes. If he says sit, they sit, if he says wave that placard, they wave. Now, when he says drink that Kool-Aid, they drink it up like it the best moonshine this side of Texas,” an observer of the Kool-Aid rituals conducted at the White House, told the Washington Post.

No one knows the exact ingredients of the Obama Kool-Aid recipe because it is a well kept White House secret.

“We want more people to drink the Kool-Aid. Keep drinking, and do not think for yourself. Uh, uh, did I just hear someone questioning the president? Just drink it up fools,” a White House aide was reported as saying during yet another Kool-Aid drinking session.