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Looters of Summer Rehabilitated With Visits to British Museum

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“The looters of 2011 are all rehabilitated and cured. It was actually quite a simple operation to cure the majority of the looters and vandals who perpetrated such heinous bouts of rioting during the late Summer 2011. We simply took them on weekly excursions to the British Museum in London to show them that looting is a terrible crime and must be stopped at all costs,” Angela Brinkinstowe, a health worker at the government’s Loot Less Initiative told the Daily Mail.

The weekly visits to the British Museum have successfully curbed the mass looting instincts of the rioters.

Lee Spinks, 23, from Hackney, who was caught looting in the Summer of 2011, was philosophical about the visits to the British Museum: “I was caught looting a flat screen TV. They put me in jail for that, but I see here an ancient Egyptian artefact from Thebes possibly priceless, and I see Ancient Roman and Greek artefacts that are beyond any price tag, and I think to myself, were these objects taken from Coventry or Yorkshire?”

Another former looter said: “Where the hell did all this stuff come from? I’m a mere amateur next to this amount of pilfering. It’s a good thing I’m retired now, I feel truly humbled.”

Next week the ex-looters will have an excursion to the Royal Bank of Scotland building in Central London.

Man Arrested For Questioning Why X Factor is On the News

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Constable Turnley from the Croydon Metropolitan police branch revealed the details of the arrest: “A man in his mid forties was arrested today in a dawn raid for actually questioning why the X Factor is constantly headline news on all British newspapers and media. The man dared to question the relevance of having such an important life changing piece of news in the forefront of all media. He was detained and charged with charges relating to questioning authority and mass media control. We are also contemplating charging him with domestic terrorism and he could thus be detained at an undisclosed location indefinitely or extradited to America to continue a brutal and lengthy sentence for the rest of his life.”

The yet unnamed man was arrested in a dawn raid yesterday morning, his neighbours say they witnessed a group of approximately twelve heavily armed special police exit an unmarked van, break the man’s house door down, then drag him down the stairs head first with his hands handcuffed behind his back.

Alfie Noakes, 67, who lives near the man’s house said: “Poor blighter, he dared question why they have the X Factor as headline news. Best keep your mouth shut. I love the X Factor I really do.”

Mars Rover Makes First Ever Sand Castle On Planet Surface

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The six-wheel rover has been parked for more than a week at a sand dune where it has been busy scooping up soil, putting it in a bucket with one of its mechanical spades, then overturning the bucket onto the martian surface and sprinkling a little water over the sand to keep the sand castle turrets together.

Mission scientist Joel Salmons expected Curiosity to build the “biggest frickin’ sand castle Mars has ever seen.”

“We’ve got turrets, a moat and we’re even going to put an American flag on the top,” said Salmons of the NASA Jet Propulsion Laboratory, which manages the $2.5 billion mission.

“The martian soil is very fine but when we get Curiosity to sprinkle water over it, the sand castle turrets stay in place.”

The car-size rover will leave a sand castle legacy from earth on the Mars surface that some say may last thousands of years.

“We just hope there is no gust of wind or anything. I don’t even know if Mars has wind, jeez beats the heck out of me. I’m a scientist and I don’t know that,” one of the Mars rover operators revealed.

Mail Order Bride Lost in Post Say Officials

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“I ordered her four weeks ago and they said she would come express delivery. Last week I got a call from the Chinese postal service saying that she is now somewhere in the system and they are trying to locate her. I am very disappointed and was really looking forward to meeting 23-year-old, Jing Ling Ling,” a distraught Mr Roelhames told Chinese state television on Monday.

Mr Roelhames flew out to China three days ago after hearing from the agency who sold him his bride.

“I bought her in good faith and even though I have been assured my money back, I still want to find her so I can take her home and show her off to my friends,” he explained teary eyed.

The Chinese postal service deals with over a billion packages a day and over 12 billion letters per week, so the chance of finding Jing Ling Ling are slim to say the least.

“I got the tracking number right here, she’s got to be somewhere. I’m going to keep searching until I find her. I’ll give it until next week then if not, I guess I’ll have to buy another one,” Mr Roelhames said from his Beijing hotel room.

Man Arrested For Retweeting Retweet of a Retweet That Was Deemed Offensive by Retweeters

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“We have in custody, a man who retweeted a retweet of a retweet on the site Twitter. He is being detained and questioned for the retweet of the retweet of a retweet and will be held for another 48 hours,” DCI Richard Clebbins, told the Sun newspaper.

The man was arrested in a dawn raid in the early hours of Sunday morning after the alleged retweets were deemed offensive by three Twitter users, and these complaints were retweeted across the network using a hash tag that cannot be mentioned here for legal reasons.

“This man retweeted the retweet of the retweet within a retweet that was then promoted with a hash tag and retweeted subsequently by others who will also be arrested if found to be retweeting the retweet of the retweet,” another police source revealed.

Israel to Fight Over Gaza Rubble

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“We are going to get the Palestinian rubble and bones and put them in a big rock crusher to make sand out of it. Maybe one day Gaza could be a beach or a holiday resort where retired Jews can wile away their days over the crushed bones and rubble of Palestinians,” Shimon Ben Kelev, one of the IDF generals told Haaretz news service.

It seems that every few years there is a cyclical element to the action, the frustrated Palestinians who are blockaded in their ghetto fire a few improvised fireworks across to their occupiers. In essence this is similar to the Warsaw ghetto where the hapless Jews would sometimes fight back at the Nazis who contained them in their ghettos and suppressed vital medicine and food.

Another general in charge of the imminent attack, Moshe Harah, said: “We have seventeen Abteilungsführer battalions and as the Bataillonskommandeur, I will direct the Blitzkrieg with brutal lightning force. Women, children, dogs, chickens, whatever it will be Ausschreitungen. They will be crushed under our Einfall and will be Eingeschlossen from all sides. We will push them into the sea away from the ghetto and the remaining Palestinians will drown like f*cking rats.”

Austere Europeans Moving to Africa

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“Who needs the Palace of Versailles or the Roman Coliseum? I live in a shack now and I do not have anything apart from a few boxes, an old tyre, and a tin of sardines,” Brantnimes told Paris Match magazine.

Every day Brantnimes travels for miles to fetch water and carries it back to his corrugated iron home. He is lucky because many do not even have a solid roof over their heads but live in mud huts.

“People are happy here, they have nothing yet they still have something. In the West people have everything, yet they still have nothing. Over here I have met the happiest gentlest people and I am astounded at the hospitality by these people. In Paris if you ask someone for help, you will be lucky to get spit in your eye.”

Austere Europeans are flocking to Africa because things are so bad in the EU. According to Brussels, 60,000 Europeans sell what little they have left every day and journey to deepest Africa to make a new life for themselves.

Fatima Whitbread Proclaimed Movember Winner

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“We just had to give it to Fatima. I mean November is not even over, and we declared her the winner mid month. You can’t get better than her moustache, it’s perfectly coiffed and she even waxes it every morning. A magnificent specimen if ever I saw one,” Constantine DeMarcos, one of the Movember judges told Sky news.

Fatima Whitbread entered the competition on the 1st of November and was crowned Movember winner by the 15th of the month. This is an amazing achievement and she has helped raise over £350 for mens charities.

An ecstatic Fatima Whitbread said today: “I will wear my Movember with pride. This is better than any gold medal at the Olympics.”

Miss Whitbread has won a big tub of moustache wax and a year’s supply of heavy duty jock straps for those intense Strictly Come Dancing sessions.

Since its humble beginnings in Melbourne, Australia in 2010, Movember has grown to become a truly global movement inspiring more than 1.9 Million men to participate with formal campaigns in Australia, New Zealand, the US, Canada, the UK, South Africa, Ireland, Finland, the Netherlands, Spain, Denmark, Norway, Belgium and the Czech Republic.

Starbucks and Amazon to Pay UK Taxes into Offshore Havens

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Speaking from Amazon’s head office in Seattle, Washington state, senior accounting executive, Janet Herodelum, said: “Amazon makes billions of pounds in the U.K. and we have taken away business from actual U.K. companies based in their own country. We have siphoned off millions of pounds through many subsidiaries in tax haven countries, and bypassed British taxation. After the public outrage in the U.K. where a few people got slightly angry about this sneaky practice, we have agreed to pay full U.K. taxation — into one of our offshore accounts.”

The gesture from Amazon means that out of £985 million profit in the U.K. this year it will now pay tax amounting to £50 million to another secret account which they have labelled as U.K. taxation.

“I think what Amazon and the rest are doing is admirable. The U.K. hopes to see some of the money soon.” Giles Ernest-Postlewittle, a Conservative MP for Huntington told parliament yesterday.

The U.S. companies have promised to pay U.K. tax by the year 2090, and say they will keep the money safe in secret accounts until that date, or any date they wish to stipulate, or change at anytime they wish without notice.

Humanity Getting ‘Dumberer’ Says Scientist

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“I just pulled myself away from watching X Factor and American Idol for five minutes to make a statement about humanity and intelligence on my Facebook page,” the scientist who formulated the new theory about humanity’s decline in intelligence, revealed.

Professor Humphrey Crabniggle, a geneticist at Stanford University in California, claims that humanity has been on a downward spiral for some time.

“It’s like, you know the instructions you see on a carton of milk on how to open it, or the Britney Spears album I just listened to in the car or the dumbed down TV and news I watch. Stupid people can breed these days and they are encouraged to do so by modern governments and the media. It’s great.”

In two and a half articles published in the journal Trends in Stupidity, the scientist lays out what might be called a defining theory in human stupidity.

The central issue of Professor Crabniggle’s thinking is a simple idea: “In the past, if you were stupid, you would die. Because you would get eaten or killed by something. Only clever people could breed and survive or not get eaten by sabre-toothed tigers or mobbed by some other tribe. These days though, stupid people are everywhere and can even breed and survive with impunity. In fact, the governments of today encourage stupidity and want people to be even more fucking stupid than they already are.”

As Crabniggle explains in the journal: “A hunter-gatherer who was not clever enough to figure out anything about food or shelter would die off, whereas a modern person is given rewards for being a stupid fucking moron, they get rewarded with food stamps and benefits or whatever they want from the governments of today. Not only that, their children are also encouraged to be stupid too. I mean, which modern government would want to have a clever population? That’s really dangerous, besides most people in government are even stupider than the regular population.”

Professor Crabniggle however ends on a positive note: “Stupid people are actually good for humanity because if people were clever, they might realise that things aren’t so good and they might try and make things better, or even try to topple governments. So keep surfing your Facebook and watching reality shows and living your stupid lives. Drink up your fucking Kool-Aid, everything is OK, it’s great to be stupid.”