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2013 Mayan Calendar Now On Sale

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“I just bought my copy of the 2013 Mayan calendar and can’t wait to flick each page over every month of next year,” Darla Sentermin, a college student from Canterbury, England told the BBC.

In France, there were thousands queuing up for hours to buy the 2013 Mayan calendar.

“I am optimistic that I will be able to use my 2013 Mayan calendar even though I might not be around tomorrow,” Julien Poncie, from the French city of Strasbourg, told local radio stations.

A Russian man who had built a bunker in his Moscow suburb apartment in preparation for the coming Mayan apocalypse tomorrow said: “I bought the 2013 Mayan calendar as a way to remind myself of what days would come after the apocalypse has happened.”

First Photo of Policeman in Mitchell Plebgate Scandal

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“This policeman stitched up Andrew Mitchell well good but now we’ve got a pic of the policeman himself from the Downing Street CCTV and soon his name will be released to the press,” Jonty McFarlan, a Westminster insider revealed today.

The policeman was arrested by unbent coppers this morning on charges relating to allegations of “conspiracy” to give false information about the argument between Mr Mitchell and police in September.

“He’s a nasty piece of work and got the chief whip whipped, but I am glad to say that justice may soon be restored with the reinstatement of my esteemed friend and colleague, Andrew Mitchell, as the chief whip of the Conservative party once again,” David Cameron said today from Downing Street.

If anyone knows the policeman’s name please send a stamp addressed envelope stuffed with cash to: Labour Party Headquarters, Westminster, SW1H 0RH

Hurricane Sandy Comes to Sandy Hook This Christmas

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“When the ATF and Police come knocking on your door to hand over all your firearms, you will hand them over calmly, then you will fill in a form which will enable you to get some kind of governmental compensation for your weapons. It won’t be much but at least you will be doing your bit to clean up the United States of America once and for all. God bless our nation. We will not tolerate an armed public any more. If you do not hand over all of your now illegal weapons, we will be forced to arrest you and remove your weapons forcibly. Thank you for your cooperation,” Lieutenant John Albright, is practising what he is going to say to citizens in the neighbourhood where he will be ordered to go soon.

America is slowly waking up to the fact that gun control is going to be a certainty soon and that citizens will have to hand over all of their weapons.

“Obama’s first term was about destroying the Fourth Amendment, and he did that with TSA searches. Now, his second term will be about destroying the Second Amendment. The question is, will the American people hand over their cherished weaponry without some kind of fight, or could there be elements of civil war? We will not know until the heavily armoured trucks and armed troops descend onto our streets and order you to hand over your guns,” a political expert in Capitol Hill revealed yesterday.

One of Obama’s policy makers said yesterday: “We cannot have an armed people any more. The collectivisation of America must continue with an unarmed harmless defenceless population, not a population that can fight back. The only people who should be armed is the law. That’s it.”

A Festive Gangnam Sewage Song For Our Readers

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It’s not just under the House of Commons where the sewer blockages occur but all across the capital the ancient Victorian brick sewers are under strain from extreme sewer abuse day in day out.

“The amount of crap that comes from the Houses of Parliament is immense, but that’s nothing what comes from underneath the Daily Squib offices, absolutely disgusting, I’ve been doing this for forty odd years and it still makes me nose quiver, innit?” Reggie Munter, one of the sewer workers for Thames Water told the BBC.



New Study: Americans Are Deadly When They Get Angry

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“In America if you get angry then you get some mail order heavy weaponry and go on a rampage in an elementary school. If anyone else gets angry in any other country around the world, then there may be a little shouting here or there but that’s pretty much it,” professor Julius Estevan, told the Limpet Medical Journal where the research paper was published.

The amount of mass shootings that occur in America on a regular basis are testament to the angry violent nature of American society, where children are drugged from birth on drugs like Ritalin, Paxil and Zoloft and are brought up on explicitly violent films and games. The report outlines how there is huge pressure on Americans to perform at high levels in all aspects of life and if someone does not perform, they are left behind and dropped from society.

“We found that America’s extreme competitive consumer society can be a killer as well because if you’re not a good work horse you are immediately superseded and replaced by someone else. From a young age there is so much pressure on youngsters that many are put on medication. In America if you’re too happy, there’s a drug to counteract that, if you’re shy there’s a drug for that too, and if you’re a normal child who likes to play and flit around from one thing to the next, then you will be drugged as well. For every child’s behaviour pattern there is a psychiatric term created by the pharmaceutical companies so that the parents can be told by their doctors and teachers that their child needs to be normalised with certain permanently mind altering drugs. This ‘normalisation’ creates erratic behaviour and major personality defects which then manifest in gun rampages in American schools,” another researcher on the team revealed.

Taking one look at all forms of American media, one will see a penchant for displays of violence that is unrivalled and not displayed in any other culture in the world. In American culture, extreme violence is applauded and celebrated whilst a snippet of nudity is frowned upon. This constant violent mindset creates apathy within the populations, as well as a total disregard for all human life. If you can kill thousands of brown people in some Middle Eastern country from thirty thousand feet by pressing a button in Arkansas, real life becomes a video game.

It’s not just the random violence, it is also the fear of living in a society where at any moment your children can be taken away from you forever by some crazed nutter with a gun. No school, mall, house or road is safe because the gunmen are there to shoot you or your loved ones at any time. The hypocritical celebrities  jump on the bandwagon and want to tell everyone to put down their guns but everyone just sees these people for what they are.

Naturally, American gun rampages on children are an excellent example of the Hegelian Dialectic at work and how the anti-gun lobby utilise stories of mass shootings for their agenda.

First you create the problem, then you provoke a reaction from the public, then you come in with the solution. Obama wants his second term as the final nail in the coffin for Americans who bear arms and he will go to any lengths to get it — even fake crying on TV. The Second Amendment must be destroyed and he will finish his job because there will be a public outcry at the horror of it all.

“Shooting people is an industry in America. This is part of our history and heritage. The Wild West was built from gun smoke and lead. You take away our guns, and you take away the soul of America. Our guns are insurance against tyranny. Obama wants to take away the people’s right to defence against the heavily armed and brutal police forces and criminals across America. If he succeeds, then America will not be America anymore, and we will defend our nation from tyranny, from outside and from within,” a pro gun lobbyist told CBS news from Sandy Hook Elementary school, Connecticut.

Matt Drudge Stars in New Tarantino Film

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Quentin Tarantino’s latest revenge flick is a tour de force of the usual violence found within a Tarantino film, but having a journalist like Matt Drudge in ‘Django Unchained’ was crucial to the plot line.

“Django Unchained is one of my usual revenge flicks where I take a genre of cinema, put Samual L. Jackson in it, steal as many scenes and characters as I can from as many movies as possible, slap in a moral revenge stance to the plot line, Samual L. Jackson anyone? Then smack in the usual cool one liners gracing all my movies and the same ol’ 50s LA surfer Spaghetti Western guitar music with some stinkin’ Mexican burritos, all mixed in a big f*cking bucket full of hardcore gratuitous violence Matt Drudge and n*gger words and don’t forget even more frickin’ Samual L. Jackson. It’s like Kill Bill meets Inglourious Basterds meets thousands of B movies and thousands of B movie characters slapped into one then stripped through a meat grinder and deposited out as a patty to be grilled and served up in a motherf*ckin’ bun to the audience who will eat up that Royale with cheese like it’s the best shit hoppin’ thing this side of Mulholland Drive,” Tarantino said from his Hollywood hills mansion on Wednesday.

Matt Drudge was chosen out of hundreds of actors because of his love for Barack Obama and the lovely things he says about African Americans on his news aggregation site.

“I met Matt at a diner in Studio City, and I saw him across the way and all he was saying was the ‘n’ word literally every five seconds. I had to hire him right there and then without an audition. I told him I was doing this epic revenge movie where a black man gets revenge on whitey and the slave trade, and he was going to be one of the people who gets it. At first he laughed and declined the role but when I told him he could say the ‘n’ word on screen hundreds of times without getting into sh*t and paid for it, he agreed immediately,” Tarantino recalled.

U.S. Authorities Take $1.9 Billion Cut From HSBC

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“They were bad because they profited from crime and took a cut of the proceeds of that shit, so we, the U.S. government are gonna do the same. Our cut is $1.9 billion and after that we’re just gonna pretend that none of this happened. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, know what I mean?” Arthur Pendergrass, one of the U.S. Federal investigators told CBS Business news on Monday.

Another U.S. financial regulator said: “This is incredible, like we caught HSBC, and we said OK, where’s our cut? You think for one second we never knew what was going on from the beginning? They at first tried to get out of it, but we said, hey look what we did to BP? You Brits think you can get away with all this huh? Hand over the $1.9 billion and shut the hell up.”

It seems that crime really does pay after all, that is according to the U.S. government.

New Gollum Creature Even More Fearsome

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“I saw the new Gollum creature and he made me physically sick into my popcorn and nachos,” a distraught cinemagoer said on Friday.

All over the world after the new Hobbit film release, people have been frightened to death by the Gollum in the film.

“He’s way more scary than in the previous films. I took one look at him and I just had one word racing in my mind, Rompuy, Rompuy, Rompuy. I don’t know what that means but it really gave me the heebie jeebies,” another Tolkien fan revealed.

Quest For the Hobbit Could Cost You Three and a Half Hours of Your Life

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“They’re searching for something that they’re trying to find in some long lost land somewhere and they’ve got to get some people to come up with something then go to another far off land to get help from some creature then embark on another quest that may or may not come to a nearby path that must lead into a tunnel cavern system and don’t forget the golden ring but they must keep searching far and wide, high and low going here and going there with lots of running from those awful brown skinned creatures and going towards a certain point that may change at any point to another point in another place or time. There might be new creatures there, some small ones and some big ones going across the land until the quest for another part of the same quest begins but ends at the same time as the previous quest never started,” Director Peter Jackson describes the first fifteen minutes of the epic Hobbit movie which lasts for an almighty three hours and thirty five minutes.

The cult Lord of the Rings franchise has a massive following all over the world and is bound to make Tolkien fans as well as the British luvvies in the film really happy, and the rest of us really f*cking bored.

Death by Aussie Radio Pranksters

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“It’s those radio pranksters from Oz again. They’ve caused untold damage already with their dodgy British accents but this time a nurse has bought the farm,” a hospital worker at the King Edward VII Hospital said today.

The Sydney radio station 2Day FM who conducted the deadly prank call could even be recruited by the Aussie secret service.

“If they can cause a nurse to go and top herself with their idiotic pranks, well we could get some Arabs and Muslims to do it too,” Agent Castlemaine XXXX told the Sydney Herald newspaper.

RIP Jacintha Saldanha