17.7 C
London
Thursday, October 31, 2024
secret satire society
Home Blog Page 556

Children Told to Disarm American Gun Owners

Pedro Glitter
-
0

All children from the age of 3-18 will be required by the new Obama ‘Kid Take that Adult Gun Away’ directive to first inform the adult that shooting is a bad thing, then tell the adult to drop the gun or guns on the floor. When the adult complies, he will then be told he is a good citizen and an Obama supervisor will be on scene to remove the firearms permanently and give the adult a gift voucher for approximately 40-60 dollars.

Obama knows that the children are the key to disarming American citizens. By using the kids, he’s getting to the very primal nature of adulthood. You want to do best for your kid, and when the child tells you to “put the gun down for me” you do it.

The kids who successfully disarm the adults will be all rewarded with a presidential letter of thanks directly from the White House and a box of candy.

“Uncle Obama said I could do good so I told my pa to put the AR-15 down and he did. Now I gots me a reward and some candy,” Kris Booney, 12, from Montana told CNN.

Armed Priests in Massive U.S. Church Shoot-out

Pedro Glitter
-
0
Armed Priests in Massive U.S. Church Shoot-out

The two evangelical churches have been involved in a religious dispute for four years and it finally culminated in a huge gunfight yesterday lasting over five hours and involving thirty officers from the Californian town’s police department.

Residents of the El Encanto area said they saw flashes of muzzles going off and priests in their outfits running and shooting wildly at each other.

“In the name of Jesus, can’t these people stop the shooting for a few minutes already? I need to get to work,” Al Gomez, a janitor at the local High School told local news.

Half way through the shooting, police cars arrived at the scene and tried to stop the two church factions but were instead embroiled in even more gunplay.

Officer Bill Jenkem told WKRTC news: “We eventually stopped the shooting when someone got a model of the Virgin Mary and started walking with it around the church. The priests put their automatic weapons down and started praying to the statue.”

American churches are heavily armed places with one church in Texas even having a 50 calibre anti-aircraft gun emplacement in the car park.

New Facebook Funeral Service Announced

Pedro Glitter
-
1
New Facebook Funeral Service Announced

“You live your life on Facebook and give us all of your information to profit from and sell to marketeers and any agency that wants it, so we thought let’s go one step further and profit from your death as well,” Zuckerberg revealed yesterday at the Facebook HQ.

Under the new proposals, for a simple $65 fee, Facebook users will be able to have a nicely made Facebook Obituary page up forever so all Facebookers can check you out for eternity.

“The catch is if you don’t pay the $65 fee before you die, all the emails, back stabbings, unfriended friends, past romances and dirty linen will be put up for everyone to see forever. So you better pay up now folks,” Zuckerberg said before chuckling like a wild Hyena.

The new compulsory Facebook service will be implemented on the site in August 2013.

UK Cows Go On Strike After Beef Burger Scandal

Pedro Glitter
-
0
UK Cows Go On Strike After Beef Burger Scandal

“We’ve been led to believe we were providing pure solid beef for human beef burgers for years but now they’re saying that horses have been doing it too. Frankly we’re disgusted at the news and refuse to give any more meat until we’re given our rightful place at the dinner table again,” Daisy, a British White cow told the Cow Times.

The widespread use of horse meat in cows was only published yesterday after scientists tested the DNA of numerous high street supermarket beef burgers.

The cows have said they will picket slaughter houses until horse meat is removed from beef burgers.

“It’s just not right innit. If you’ve got a beef burger, you want cow in there, not a f*cking horsey,” Brenda, another striking cow said.

Comrade Obama Urges You to Drop the Guns for the Children’s Sake

Pedro Glitter
-
1
Comrade Obama Urges You to Drop the Guns for the Children’s Sake

The supreme soviet comrade was seen yesterday on a stage with many soviet children as he urged the soviet American nation’s gun owners to relinquish their weapons so that they can be disarmed and pliant to the 5-year soviet plan of complete collectivist sovietization.

“Comrades, just like other previous comrades and tyrants, I too am using children as a cynical front for my disarmament activities on the U.S. public.

“Unfortunately for me I cannot continue the complete sovietization of America until you are all completely disarmed. We will drip feed this protocol by first banning certain ammunition magazines and certain other dangerous arms. Once this is done, you, the public will not have the same military grade ammunition or weapons as the soviet forces who are readying themselves right now.

“We will then move in for the final ban, which will be a complete outlawing of all arms from the public. As a weakened civilian force due to armament bans, we will thus be able to disarm you quickly and efficiently. There may be a few pockets of resistance but you will not survive the soviet might of the DHS, ATF and other agencies.

“I, as your supreme commander therefore command you henceforth to relinquish your weapons in a peaceful manner or you and your family will eventually be liquidated. We can do this the peaceful way or the not so peaceful way,” comrade Obama said to the sound of cheering soviet children.


His Master’s Voice Alas Now Just an Autotuned Mess

Pedro Glitter
-
1
His Master’s Voice Alas Now Just an Autotuned Mess

Now that the music charts are just filled up with X-Factor Cowell acts, N-Dubz, SK4332, 342A and newest entries JH4310/2 you can rest assured that HMV going bankrupt is a minor occurrence.

“HMV was borne of the days when music was distributed by vinyl records. Today there’s no money or value in music because people can just download or stream it for free. This is why artists are not developed by record companies anymore and this is why you just have the likes of Simon Cowell dominating the whole industry with his shameful disgraceful exploitative crap,” an old record executive decried.

As the latest autotune template r’n’b song plays on the radio in your car as background music, just look at the boarded up HMV shop across the road and think to yourself — it’s a shit industry.

Tesco Horse Races at Cheltenham This Year

Pedro Glitter
-
0
Tesco Horse Races at Cheltenham This Year

“First we run the old nags, then when they saunter over the finishing line after about an hour, they’re led off to the knackers yard behind the racecourse and soon served up to the racing punters in their burgers,” Tesco manager, Bill Jabbs, told the Racing Post.

There is some good news though, the Cheltenham Festival will be graced with royalty this year as Prince Charles and his wife Camilla are set to attend.

“Charlie better watch out for Camilla because if those Tesco boys get a hold of her she will be mincemeat,” a racing punter quipped.

Next time you see a Tesco Everyday Value burger, just think, that was the 2.15 at Cheltenham yesterday.

Obamacare Subtitle C-11 Section 2521

Pedro Glitter
-
32
Obamacare Subtitle C-11 Section 2521

“We spent months looking through this intricate document and found something rather scary. It holds a clause that for an American citizen to receive universal Obamacare, they will have to submit to an implant, possibly RFID or otherwise. No implant, then no health care for you, simple as that. I don’t want to scare the public but it’s right there in plain sight, subtitle c-11 section 2521. It’s tucked away so if you blink an eye, you will surely miss it,” an American liberty watcher on Capitol Hill revealed yesterday.

National Medical Device Registry from H.R. 3200 [Healthcare Bill], pages 1001-1008:

(g)(1) The Secretary shall establish a national medical device registry (in this subsection referred to as the ‘registry’) to facilitate analysis of postmarket safety and outcomes data on each device that— ‘‘(A) is or has been used in or on a patient; ‘‘(B)and is— ‘‘(i) a class III device; or ‘‘(ii) a class II device that is implantable, life-supporting, or life-sustaining.”

According to the FDA, a class II device is an “implantable radio frequency transponder system for patient identification and health information.”

Disarming crucial before implementation

“I don’t think people know what comes with their Obama Health Care. You’ve got to read the fine print folks. Why you think Obama wants to take away your guns now? Because when they make you do the Obamacare, they’re gonna chip you and your family. Why you think the DHS is stocking up with millions of rounds of ammo? It don’t make sense to have an armed people who can fight that does it? So you first go for the guns, then you get the prize,” another liberty watcher said, before a black van came along and some men in grey suits took him away.

History will thus put the American government down as pioneers of the mass microchipping of their entire human population — not just the animals.

Worried officials from the Obama administration said on on Monday: “We just don’t want those Right Wing Christian nutjobs to get wind of this. All hell would break loose then.”

UK Public Insult Law is Frankly Insulting

Pedro Glitter
-
1

British law, which forbade citizens to insult anything or anyone in public, was deemed an insult to common sense and intelligence today.

“After thousands of arrests over the years for stupid words said by people in public, we have finally come to the conclusion that we, the ones who prosecute people for free speech in public are the ones who are actually insulting to society as a whole and we are deeply ashamed to have even gone down this Soviet Stalinist route in the first bloody place,” Crown Prosecution Service head, Robert Eidjit, told the Daily Telegraph.

As of midnight tomorrow, the ridiculous and insulting insult law will be scratched from public insult history.

“You will be able to call police horses ‘gay’ in front of policemen and say ‘woof’ to police dogs in front of the police again. Millions of pounds in useless insult court cases will save the taxpayer some serious wonga,” Gerald Bloomfeld, a common sense activist told the BBC.

British Celebrity Paedophiles Only Caught After Death

Pedro Glitter
-
1
British Celebrity Paedophiles Only Caught After Death

“We only catch ’em after their dead, we then put handcuffs on them in their graves and say they’ve been very naughty boys, innit,” PC Bobby Pleb, told the BBC’s Newsnight.

Institutional paedophilia is part of British culture, and as Sir Jimmy Savile was swanning around with the likes of Prince Charles and Maggie Thatcher, he was even given the keys to hospitals and mental wards where he was like a kid in a candy store.

“Under the pretence of charity work, Savile raped and molested mentally retarded and vulnerable children and then was given medals for it. He was a pioneer at the BBC and was a major force in Top of the Pops and used this as a cover to rape as many underage kids as possible. In any other culture, he would have probably been caught, but unfortunately us Brits are too polite for our own good. That’s why we’ve never had a revolution or rioted here. Jimmy Savile raped half of bloody England’s kids yet no one said a bleeding word when he was alive. It boggles the mind. I mean after 450 odd rapes of children, there was not one single word. The cops kept it quiet, but Savile groomed them as well, with brown envelopes stashed with cash. As for the producers and directors of the BBC, they looked the other way, but they knew very well what he was doing. It’s all about money innit? Didn’t want to rock the boat either. Your daughter’s gone to see such and such band at Top of the Pops and she’s only 14. I’ll turn a blind eye if she tells me she was raped by Jimmy Savile. No way! You mean the DJ on Top of the Pops and Jim’ll Fix It? He didn’t do that to my daughter, I don’t believe a word,” Reggie Tribleswaite, 67, a retired butcher from Colchester told the BBC.

Does this say something about British culture? Is this a part of the ‘stiff upper lip’ brigade, who even as they are raped as children keep quiet until the bastard who raped them is dead? Maybe, the final revelation that Jimmy Savile was a monster of unspeakable proportions revealed only after his death, is simply another part of the polite British sensibility and the wish not to offend at all costs. 

“We didn’t want to offend anyone so we kept quiet until he was dead, even though he raped us as children,” another Jimmy Savile victim revealed.

1...555556557...723Page 556 of 723
squib footer 270

Breaking News

Copyright © Daily Squib 2024.

The Daily Squib is a curious satirical parody newspaper offering breaking news, political satire, comedy, investigative journalism, opinion and celebrity news.