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World Entering New Post Antibiotic Dawn

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If you ever wanted to know what it was like to live in a pre-19th century world you may be unpleasantly surprised soon enough because it seems that antibiotics are being made redundant as worldwide diseases catch up to them and increase their immunity.

Unfortunately for the humans, it is their overuse of antibiotics with factory farming and medicine that has proliferated this shift in immunity.

The post-antibiotic age will be one where the simplest of operations turn deadly. If one is infected by a drug resistant bacteria or disease, there is nothing medical science can do for you unless they find new versions of antibiotics, which take many years to develop.

The human plague has spread across the earth and shown scant regard for the environment, pumping poisons into the air and ground, mining the resources, and killing the natural vegetation and animals.

Human society is one of mechanisation, of technique to reduce the work load of the lazy, talking, carbon life form.

“We build concrete jungles over the original green ones, we bulldoze over everything then people start talking about how they want to save the environment. Bullsh*t, these same people who are now talking about carbon credits are the ones who built the factories and they’re the ones who started the wars, and they’re the ones who started the system of money in the first f*cking place. They’re telling you that they used you to work in their factories and tear up the earth until they got to a certain technological stage but now you, as a consumerist worker, are not needed any more. You are polluting the environment simply by existing,” a man from a concrete jungle somewhere revealed.

Nature always finds a way of dealing with imbalances, and unfortunately for the earth, it is in dire straits at the moment.

Sooner or later all of the bureaucracy, the files, the papers, the regulations and laws created by the humans will be as useless as the antibiotics. The drug resistant cases of Gonorrhoea or Syphilis, or whatever bacteria or virus, however will not be as kind to us as our host earth has been.

The post consumerist age is being introduced covertly by the one world government, and the human population is in grave danger because they will never know if the virus that may very well be unleashed is modified by the controlling hierarchy or created by nature itself.

 What will be borne from the corpses of the previous human infestation will be a much cleaner efficient scientific technological system, with a very limited and select population.

Prince Charles is certainly worried about the runaway population and he would like it reduced by at least 80-90% as do most of the hierarchy. By promoting abortions, contraception and sterilization, there may be inroads in reducing the populations, as well as reducing the quality of human food of its nutritional value and adding certain chemicals into everything like Bisphenol A, aspartame, fluoride, to reduce fertility or cause cancer. The elite have declared open warfare on the general population yet they do not even realise it, as the mobile phone masts, wifi waves and mercury light bulbs seep their poison into the bodies of the tax cash cows. Over generations, fertility will drop to lower levels making it hard for any breeding amongst the general populace. Of course, the only ones who will be allowed to breed will be the priviliged elite, or select few who control the eugenics programs.

Humans have been here for a millisecond in earth’s history and their legacy is one of disregard, torture, destruction and ultimately evil, that is unless something is done soon enough.

George Osborne: “Would You Like a Triple Dip With That Great Depression?”

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The theme of the new restaurants will be one of a dungeon where patrons enter and order their food whilst being whipped incessantly by tax collectors. You will then be given a menu with only two things on it, a triple dip mush plate, or a quadruple dip plate. You will be asked to accept huge price rises on the items you order and if you don’t accept that, you will be whipped until your back bleeds even further,” a gleeful looking Chancellor announced today at a champagne filled private dinner.

The menu in the new taxpayer funded restaurant will also include a drink called a Great Depression. No one knows the ingredients but some think it is made from bootleg vodka distilled by Eastern European gangsters from Grimsby, Northern England.

“There is one f*cking bonus for you all. With your Triple Dip mush plate you can drink our Great Depression vodka which contains high levels of industrial alcohol, not meant for human consumption and if you’re lucky you may lose all powers of speech and sight. Then once that happens, we slap another tax on you and kick you out the door without so much as a piffling thank you. And don’t forget to leave a tip you filthy taxpaying swine piece of sh*t bastard,” One of Osborne’s deputies said yesterday.

Starbucks Store Inside Starbucks Store Could Fit Two or Three More Starbucks Stores Says CEO

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“The new stores will have Starbucks Extra stores within the Starbucks store, and once you’re in the Starbucks Extra store you can take an elevator up to the second floor which will have a Starbucks Extra Extra store. Of course none of these establishments will pay any UK corporation taxation but that’s neither here nor there,” CEO Johnsons Milkpaddle, said from the company’s Seattle HQ offices.

The new Starbucks stores will create more poorly paid low wage jobs in the UK to sell the overpriced syrup drinks.

Prince Charles Selling Horse Burgers From Sandringham

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“I don’t want to be all hoof about this but the French have been eating horse for centuries. I eat horse every night myself, so I had a little thought in my study the other night, why not extend my Duchy range to horse meat burgers? There’s certainly a taste for it as the British people have been eating it, unknowingly I admit, for decades. They never complained once, even when they were told what they were eating,” the Prince of Wales said from the sprawling estate.

So next time you’re at a Polo game after a chukka or two, you might spy a few burgers there trotting around on the grill. Don’t worry they won’t gallop away because they’re horse burgers and dead as an errant twitch in Philip’s underpants.

French Rotten Eggs Stench Reaches UK

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“I ‘ave arrivee in the UK pour le 50% tax as opposed to le 75% tax,” Mr Sarkozy told the BBC news service on Tuesday.

Mr Bling Bling as he is affectionately known in France, may also be fleeing le fraud charges from his own country.

Mr Sarkozy will be accompanied by his lovely plasticened wife Carla Bruni, who is sure to liven up the rather droll party circuit in London.

The former French president once proclaimed that there were too many foreigners in France, looks like he’s the Johnny foreigner now.

Would You Buy a Used EU Referendum From This Man?

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“Negotiating with the British electorate is very much like making love to a beautiful woman, first you pretend you’re on their side, then you ply them with fine wines and Belgian chocolates, string ’em along with some half-lies and evasions, promise them the earth, and then hand them over to the EU for a thoroughly good In/Out EU Referogering,” Swiss Davi said from his used car lot in Downing Street.

Do you still want to buy that used referendum now?

Obama Wants Every American to Sell Tupperware to Reduce Deficit

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“Folks, I was playing golf the other day and I thought to myself, ding, why don’t I get every American to sell tupperware so that we can get out of my spending spree created deficit and recession. If every American made say fifty bucks a day and gave it to the government we could pay 1% of the interest on the debt we owe. You know that is at least something, right?” Obama said to rapturous applause from the Inaugeration audience.

The democrats want all Americans to sell as much tupperware as they can possible manage.

“If you can’t sell it to your granny or members of your family, how about random people in the street? Just tell them it’s their patriotic duty to buy or we all go down the drain,” Al Sterrincs, an Obama campaign officer told CBS news.

Democrat economists praised the Obama idea but there’s only one minor drawback. If everyone has tupperware and are trying to sell their tupperware to people who have tonnes of tupperware, then who’s going to buy the tupperware?

And that’s not all, we gon’ have all this tupperware but no food to put in it,” Janice Delray, 45, an unemployed woman on food stamps from Kentucky told local news stations.

Mali Gold Mines Safe For Now French Army Says

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“We have liberated the gold mines and have preserved democracy for the big gold nuggets in the mines so that the bad guys don’t get them,” Lieutenant Julien Francois told Le Figaro.

The ongoing operation was dangerous and some French personnel were unfortunately lost during the repatriation of the gold mines.

“Mali is just one big gold mine, it’s a good thing that these Al Qaidas are running around all over the place, n’est pas? Otherwise why would we be here? Allez, we have to rendezvous at another gold mine where we saw some more Al Qaida and liberate those gold nuggets,” another French soldier said before leaving in the convoy.

It’s a good thing that France is broke at the moment and they have no need for such natural resources.

Daily Squib Offer: Win an Indian Bus Tour of New Delhi

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If you win the competition by submitting an answer to the question below you will be flown in third class to New Delhi, India and you will go on a bus tour of the colourful capital city.

The five lucky Delhi Bus Tour comp. winners are sure to have the time of their lives as they are driven around the city in a bus full of leering sex starved Indian men.

To win the competition tell us how many women were raped per day in New Delhi in 2012? a) 23 b) 65 c) 89

Send your answers on a postcard to: Daily Squib Delhi Bus Comp. P.O Box 2396, 17 Rapine Street, London, W1 6DA

Egyptian Mummy is Actually Daddy British Museum Claims

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“We thought it was a mummy but after closer inspection this one seems to be a daddy, although we’re not 100% certain that there was any offspring, it does have some male genitalia left,” professor Arkleblather said.

The hundred odd mummies all in the British Museum are now being re-examined and in some cases renamed.

“I do feel rather silly about it all. I’ve been calling them mummies ever since I was a little lad but now it seems a lot of them are daddies,” a British Museum attendee said on Saturday.

The shadow cabinet Labour gender equalities minister, Harriet Harperson chimed in about the news: “Even though I detest the male species with a vengeance, I believe in equality to some extent, therefore I will allow these mummies to be daddies as well.”