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Home Blog Page 554

Traces of ‘Cow Meat’ Found in British Burgers

Health

February 2, 2013

Traces of ‘Cow Meat’ Found in British Burgers

Food and farming minister David Heath said: “Obviously somewhere along the line the burgers were contaminated with cow meat. This is highly unnacceptable and heads will roll for this.

He added: “This is an absolutely unacceptable situation and to think for one second that an ounce of cow meat got into a burger full of horse, donkey, raccoon, skunk, pork, giraffe, jackal, rat, cat and dog meat makes me sick to the core.“

Alfie Nocks, a factory worker, 42, from Hartlepool was disgusted at the news: “When I heard off the telly that the burgers I been eating had cow meat in ’em I chundered over the missus. Everything else mate, but not cow, innit!”

All burgers in the UK have now been recalled as of yesterday.

Government Running Out of Things to Tax

World

Mac Acke

February 2, 2013

“We tax pretty much everything in the UK, and not only that we’re bringing out over 200 regulations and laws per day,” a Whitehall source revealed yesterday.

As well as adding new taxes the government is also increasing established tax taxation levels daily.

“You can’t fart in this Stasi country without being taxed,” a retired grave digger, Al Burriya, 75, from Grimsdale, Yorkshire, told the Sun before being taxed for grumbling.

There are now calls to tax taxation itself, although this could prove quite complicated for accountants and anyone doing their own tax returns.

“By actually taxing taxation itself, we can increase revenues to the Treasury by 64% per annum, therefore the tax you already pay, will be taxed at the standard 34% rate and we may even tax the tax of the tax at a further 28% depending on the prior taxation rate of that tax period,” a shady character from the Inland Revenue revealed.

Serbian PM Practices a George Osborne Grin

World

Mac Acke

January 31, 2013

Serbian PM Practices a George Osborne Grin

“The British Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne looks like that all the time, whereas it took a Sharon Stonesque gratuitous leg stretch from a knickerless woman to do the same for the Serbian PM,” a news editor for the Serbian show, Beaver Balkans, told the BBC.

Another Serbian politician commented: “Maybe our Serb PM saw the face of old Slobo down there, because both of them are c*nts.”

A Belgrade butcher, Igor Slabbo, 45, who was watching the show, said: “If Serbia is not ready to join the EU after that performance, I don’t know who is?”

Stocks Surge By 0.003% Again

Business

Mac Acke

January 29, 2013

“We definitely feel that the recovery is happening right now as we speak,” a Hedge Fund manager told Reuters.

Traders at the New York Stock Exchange were just as excited as everyone else.

“Someon’e buying this shit, don’t know who but hey, who am I to complain?” a trader said with a big smile on his face.

By the closing bell, the S&P had at one point increased by 0.0004% on the day’s trading but pulled back a little.

“Same thing tomorrow but it might go down a little then up a bit, or even stay kind of flat,” another trader quipped.

Murdoch: “Don’t You Dare Tell the Truth Mr Scarfe”

World

Mac Acke

January 29, 2013

Murdoch: “Don’t You Dare Tell the Truth Mr Scarfe”

This may be one of the questions Rupert Murdoch may want to answer after silencing the genius of satirical illustrator Gerald Scarfe.

Scarfe’s brand of Juvenalian satire sometimes cuts a little too close to the bone for the insidious seedy controllers who run the mainstream media.

“What I want to know is how on earth did the Sunday Times get to run that Scarfe Palestinian cartoon, especially on Holocaust day, and most of all on a Murdoch publication? Will heads roll? Most certainly they will, or probably have,” an anonymous source within the Times Group revealed.

Naturally, because of Murdoch’s parentage, he is staunchly tied to the motherland and it is quite troubling that he did not see the Scarfe cartoon beforehand. Besides tweeting about the ‘Jewish controlled media’ maybe Mr Murdoch needs to take a closer look on his own media?

“We certainly cannot have any form of criticism of the Israelis or Jewish culture in any form and if you do, you are anti-semitic. It is one law for us Jews, because after all we are the chosen race, and another law for the rest of the dogs, gentiles, shiksas, goyim, monkeys and other lower life forms,” Binyamin Netanyahu said from the Israeli Knesset.

Iran Claims to Have Sent Monkey into Space That Returned Back to Earth Intact

Sci/Tech

Mac Acke

January 28, 2013

Iran Claims to Have Sent Monkey into Space That Returned Back to Earth Intact

The rocket launch was seen by many on Iranian state television and the Iranian national anthem was played alongside the footage.

“We debated whether the monkey should come back to earth, but it was finally decided that it would be cruel to just shoot it into space with no return,” Ahmed Dinajaket, one of the engineers on the project revealed.

The monkey was said to have returned ‘intact’, an achievement the Iranians celebrated as an advance in a missile and space programme that has given the West and Israel cause for concern.

The monkey was said to have been sent up in a Kavoshgar rocket that climbed to a height of more than 75 miles before returning.

Republicans and Democrats Involved in Capitol Hill Shootout

World

Mac Acke

January 28, 2013

Republicans and Democrats Involved in Capitol Hill Shootout

The shooting started at 12 noon and continued until 11 pm with only a half hour coffee break in between.

“We saw Feinstein unload rounds like they were popcorn kernels in the direction of the Republicans, who were hiding behind parked cars in the street. Then House speaker John Boehner was shooting back with his semi automatic Glocks and a 12 bore. I never seen anything like it,” a frightened bystander revealed to CNN.

Because Capitol Hill is the seat of the U.S. government, no police intervened and were instead called off by senate officials.

The Republicans tried to gain the upper hand in the shoot out by introducing a Gatling gun into the fight but quickly ran out of ammo as the Democrat team flanked them from the outside shooting at them with an assortment of military grade firearms.

By mid afternoon the shell casings were knee deep in the street as the intermittent fire continued.

“Eric and Dianne were leading the Democrat charge, and when Obama and Biden turned up, all hell broke loose. Obama was packing an M16 and two 44 magnums in holsters while Biden had an Uzi 9mm and a Steyr AUG,” Dean Saunders, a reporter for Reuters said.

Queen Wants to Build Buckingham Palace II on Falkland Isles

World

Mac Acke

January 28, 2013

Queen Wants to Build Buckingham Palace II on Falkland Isles

There have been mass riots and demonstrations against Britain in Argentina after the Queen announced the new Buckingham Palace 2 plans yesterday.

“How dare the British Imperialist Queen build a palace on the Malvinas,” an angry Cristina Kirchner told crowds in Buenes Aires.

According to architects commissioned by the royal family, the new palace will be an exact replica of the one on the Mall but have additional gun emplacements and missile silos on the turrets.

The project will cost a whopping £350 million mainly because of the transportation costs of the building materials and is set to be completed by 2019.

Apple May Try to Resurrect Steve Jobs to Save Stock Price

Sci/Tech

Mac Acke

January 28, 2013

Apple May Try to Resurrect Steve Jobs to Save Stock Price

With no major innovative products coming along any time soon, the stock price has been falling off a cliff with over $80 billion being lost since October 2012.

“Steve was Apple, and when he passed away so did the company. This new CEO has no charisma, no forward vision and no frickin’ balls. We need to find a way to resurrect Steve Jobs,” an anonymous Apple employee revealed yesterday.

Apple boffins have thus been given the task of bringing the dead Steve Jobs back to life.

“We thought we could somehow hook him up to the grid, you know like Frankenstein or in his case Frankenapple. He can then tell us what products to bring out next and what to do,” Apple CEO Tim Cook told Tech Crunch news.

Another Apple employee said: “As long as that wooden sitcom actor Ashton Kutcher is not involved in anything, that’s a bonus.”

Monkeys Actually Study Scientists Say Scientists

Sci/Tech

Mac Acke

January 27, 2013

Monkeys Actually Study Scientists Say Scientists

“We’ve got one fella, his name is Dimples. He came up to me the other day and looked me up and down. I actually got angry and got my clipboard and told him I was the one doing the studying here. He grabbed my clipboard, looked it over then ticked a few boxes himself,” Dr. Werner Harsog, told Science Today magazine.

Some scientists feel very intimidated by the behaviour and have formed a group Scientists Against Monkey Stares (SAMS) which now has a huge following of over 2,000 scientists worldwide.

“The monkeys come up to you and prod you as if they’re testing your reaction. I even had one open my mouth and check my teeth the cheeky bugger,” another scientist revealed.