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Home Blog Page 552

Obama State of the Quack Address

World

February 14, 2013

“I want to quack quack make it harder for some people to own certain types of quack quack guns and make it harder for small businesses to quack employ people and also keep on quack quacking people with drones and play some more quack quack rounds of golf,” president Obama said to rapturous applause from the assembled Democrats, but a lot of hissing sounds came from the Republican corner.

Gabe Mulrones, a Republican congressman from Kentucky said: “The boy got guts going up there wearing a duck outfit. If he was in the wilds back home, we’d be getting the ol’ blunderbuss out and shooting the ol’ duck from the sky. Good thing I got my duck caller with me tonight so I can make some funny duck sounds at the goddamn Democrat assholes.”

Let the second lame duck term commence.

Palace Tells Kate Middleton She Might Have to Wear Burkini From Now On

Entertainment

Percy Bathandwells

February 13, 2013

Palace Tells Kate Middleton She Might Have to Wear Burkini From Now On

The burkini fashioned by Muslim women, has also been adopted by celebrities like Nigella Lawson, especially during a recent beach holiday to the South of France.

It is increasingly being used by non-Muslim female celebrities as a way of preserving their modesty from the prying eyes of waiting paparazzi.

“Unfortunately the recent topless photos and the latest Italian nude pregnancy snaps published by an Italian celebrity magazine are the last straw that broke the camels back. We have thus instructed Kate to go burkini shopping in Dubai or somewhere around Marble Arch,” one of the palace aides told the BBC.

There has been palace fury directed at Kate Middleton’s uninvited photographers and publishers and someone needs to put a stop to this immediately.

“She takes a six figure taxpayer funded luxury holiday every three weeks so we will need to be vigilant in our stand against the paparazzi,” a key palace spokesman said yesterday.

Yes But If It Was a Greek Pope He Would Have Retired at 45

World

Percy Bathandwells

February 13, 2013

“Not only do most high earning Greeks not pay an ounce of tax but they all retire on full EU pensions and perks by the age of 45. At least we had a pope who worked until the age of 86 don’t you think?” Gabriel Santorini, a Catholic worshipper at St Peter’s Basilica said today.

The sudden resignation of pope Benedict XVI has taken many people by surprise and his old age seems to have unfortunately caught up with him.

“It is the same thing in Germany where workers retire at a much advanced age compared to certain countries in the Southern European portion of the eurozone, naming no names of course, ahem,” Alfred Schonberg, a prominent business leader from Berlin revealed.

It is a good thing that the Greeks are Orthodox and that scenario could never be played out anyway.

There’s Some Bad News About the Tesco Value Beer As Well..

Health

Percy Bathandwells

February 12, 2013

There’s Some Bad News About the Tesco Value Beer As Well..

Your mince may have been 100% condemned donkey meat from Romania but come on chaps lay off the beer.

It seems that bad news travels in multiples of ten these days, as Tesco’s Value Lager has now been analysed to have 89% horse urine.

“Well, it tasted like horse piss so it goes without saying that it was what it f*cking tasted like,” Harry Hattersly, 23, from Bognor Regis told the Daily Mail.

The Tesco Value range lager costs 23 pence a can and has been a big hit across the country.

After an independent laboratory recently tested the beer, it was discovered to contain 89% horse and 11% donkey urine.

“That Tesco value beer’s like rocket fuel and it has a lovely frothy head. I was drinking it at a friend’s barbecue last summer, you know with those 100% beef burgers and all. Good times, innit,” Gavin Munter, 23, from Walsall told the BBC news.

As for the chicken, well best not to ask what that actually is either..

Murdoch Can’t Get His Page 3 Up Anymore

World

Percy Bathandwells

February 12, 2013

“Whatever Wendi does, poor old Rupert can’t get his Page 3 up and he’s now resorted to tweeting about how outdated it is. I actually feel very sad about the whole thing,” Jonny Graham, 42, a welder, and avid Page 3 fan from Blackpool revealed in the Sun today.

The Sun newspaper’s staff are bracing for the bad news from their impuissant boss.

“Rupert has lost the plot, I mean he’s been getting his Page 3 up since 1969 and now he can’t. I know you’re old mate but don’t be such a killjoy to others, purely because of your own shortcomings” one of the Sun’s staff members quipped.

Farewell the Dark Pope Back to the Catacombs With You

World

Percy Bathandwells

February 11, 2013

Farewell the Dark Pope Back to the Catacombs With You

“We will not miss the air of menace and the smile that could curdle milk, but we will instead think to ourselves, who could top Pope Benedict XVI for sheer dramatic value? Satan himself could not come close to such presence,” Antonio Malvolio, a Vatican expert, commented on the Rai Uno channel after hearing the news of the pope’s resignation today.

One can imagine a scene reminiscent of Dante’s Inferno, with the pope stepping out of an elevator as it hits the bottom of the cavern. He is finally home, away from the baying crowds who so maliciously denied him of any respect or gratitude.

“Unfortunately for this pope, there was an unholy air about him. The tricksters of past ages at least had an air of spiritual bliss about them, yet Benedict exuded an air of malice, chaos and anarchy. The world is certainly not a better place now after many years of his presence. In fact, it is as if he took the malevolent energy and negativity that he channelled and increased it even further to impossible levels,” a Vatican insider revealed.

Farewell dark Pope…farewell…

Americans Tried to Escape Taxes But Now Swimming in Them

World

Percy Bathandwells

February 10, 2013

Americans Tried to Escape Taxes But Now Swimming in Them

America’s achievements throughout history have altogether been wiped out under the Obama administration as he has introduced more nanny state laws and taxes than any other president in the country’s history.

“The Boston tea party is irrelevant now and our nation has gone backwards into socialism, debt and discord. We created our country for nothing now because Obama has raised taxes to such a level that it’s not even worth starting a business, employing people, or getting a job. You’re simply working for 95% of the year to pay your U.S. tax bill. That is not what America should be, and that is not why it was founded,” an unemployed American man said from a Welfare office yesterday.

Over 42.2 million Americans are now on foodstamps, and 41% of Americans are unemployed. With a debt that now stands at $222 trillion, it does not take an economist to see that when China stops bankrolling the U.S things are going to change very rapidly.

“You can work for 16 hours a day on $3.50 an hour and pay tax on that or get nothing, The choice is yours fuckwads,” the Democrat Senator for Illinois said yesterday.

The Pilgrims escaped England and the American Revolution was fought for freedom from punitive English taxation but now it seems that America is sinking in a quicksand so deep that it may never recover thanks to Obama’s socialist policies.

“You increase taxation on nothing, and you get nothing. Americans have not got anything left to be taken. We are already in huge debt, with no jobs and no industry. Who’s gonna pay the interest on the deficit? Obama sure ain’t, he’s too busy trying to take your guns away on the golf course,” another angry American said.

Global Recession Starting to Really Annoy Me Says Man

World

Percy Bathandwells

February 10, 2013

Global Recession Starting to Really Annoy Me Says Man

A man in Grimsby’s Town Centre stands on a soap box and shouts: “Who’s going to bailout the ordinary citizen? With the banking industry getting vast bailouts so that the high class escorts, champagne and coke does not run out, the question is still relevant today as the bank-created recessions are still going on. Where is the voice of the common man?”

There are disheartened voices all over the world but none more so than in this grim Northern English town, which rarely sees any sunlight let alone hope.

“The banks created the recession with a credit crunch, and then they were bailed out by the taxpayer. I’m fed up of it all. Why don’t we get bailouts? Why can’t I go to my bank manager and ask for a bailout? Why is the tax that I pay after I break my back every day working a gruelling job going to a banker so he can slip the cash into a stripper’s pair of tights on a pole dance stage? These are questions I want to ask,” Niall Elsingham, a factory worker from Grimsby, Lincolnshire told local news outlets.

Since 2008, the world’s economy has been under constant attack. Will there be any respite soon from the constant onslaught? If not, then there could be mass civil unrest, but maybe that is what the elite want to happen.

Reading the Daily Squib Can Raise Your IQ By Minus 56 Points Say Experts

Sci/Tech

Percy Bathandwells

February 10, 2013

Reading the Daily Squib Can Raise Your IQ By Minus 56 Points Say Experts

“If you read the Daily Squib for more than five minutes your IQ levels will shoot up by minus 56 points per minute,” a leading expert in intelligence quotients revealed yesterday at the 2013 Mindscape research forum held in Northern England.

Who would have thought that reading the wonderful articles in the Daily Squib would have such amazing properties for the mind.

“You’ve got a choice of banging your head against a brick wall, sniffing glue or reading the Daily Squib, I’ll take the last option please. After I read more than ten minutes of the Daily Squib I was absolutely astounded at the mind enhancing properties. I used to be real clever, now I’ve got an IQ of a premiership footballer,” one of the affected scientists on the research project revealed.

Footballer David Beckham, who is known for his sharp thought processes, has already endorsed the Daily Squib as has Manchester United striker Wayne Rooney.

“I, I, I love the D-d-d-daily Squib! Aargh! Ergh! Ergh! Ooh ooh ooh ooh aah aah aah aah!” footballer Wayne Rooney was quoted as saying.

Rowan Atkinson Wrote Off My Car As Well

Entertainment

Percy Bathandwells

February 10, 2013

“If Rowan can get his car fixed for £950,000 I can’t see why I can’t get mine done as well. I’ve only got a £250 excess on it,” Malcom Brundlewaites, told the Daily Mail.

Mr Brundlewaites, 76, is a retired postman from the quiet village where the Mr Bean and Blackadder actor lives.

“I was coming out of the local Tesco with my supply of 100% beef burgers and who should appear in the car park but Edmund Blackadder himself. I was absolutely flabbergasted, especially when he said he wanted to take my Ford Fiesta for a donut session around the car park. Well, that didn’t go down well, he smacked the back on a bollard and wrote it off. Then the cheeky bugger scarpered back to his own super car without so much as a sorry or thank you and sped off. I’m claiming that it will cost me £780,000 to get this fixed and I’m waiting for his insurance company to get back to me, innit.”