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Why Reading the Daily Squib is a ‘Better Pain Relief Cure than Painkillers’

The study, from the University of Funster, Bulgaria, suggests that instead of using traditional painkillers, reading the Daily Squib can completely eliminate pain from readers.

“You can get your f*cking leg sawn off with a rusty blunt saw and as long as you’re reading the Daily Squib newspaper you won’t feel an ounce of pain or get a headache,” professor Radocu Allevia, told the BBC World Service yesterday.

Their research, reported in Dolorem, the journal of the International Pain and Headache Society, found that more than half of pain sufferers who read the Daily Squib during a prolonged painful episode experienced an improvement in symptoms.

They suggested that the Daily Squib triggered the release of endorphins, the body’s natural painkillers, through the central nervous system, which can in turn reduce, or even eliminate, pain.

“The majority of patients who were in constant pain did not feel anything when they were presented with the Daily Squib,” the study concluded.

“All we heard was groaning though when they were reading the Squib which suggests they are still possibly feeling excruciating pain by reading that utter f*cking dross but their mind is somehow blocking it out,” another researcher revealed.

The research team suggests that the Daily Squib somehow numbs the reader and tricks their brain into thinking that they’re not feeling pain but in fact reading the Daily Squib increases actual pain levels to excruciating levels and is a paradox for scientists.

“Maybe by creating so much pain, like levels you will not f*cking believe, the Squib forces your body to release the body’s natural pain relief drug, endorphins. This is one theory we are working with,” Aldous Nuwerld, another scientist on the project revealed.

Massive Sink Hole Swallows Up Whole of Florida

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“One minute it was there, the next it was gone,” Jose Alvarez, 46, a sugar cane picker told local news stations around the state line.

According to news reports a huge sink hole swallowed up the 65,000 square mile state in one fell swoop taking major cities like Miami, Tampa Bay, Orlando, Jacksonville all to the bottom of the 12,000 foot deep hole.

Bubb Waczinski from New York City was about to travel to Orlando’s main attraction, Disney World with his family of four but they missed the plane by twenty minutes.

“Good thing we missed the plane because later on we heard the whole state of Florida was swallowed up. All I want to know is do I get my money back? Shit cost me a fortune.”

President Obama has declared the whole of Florida a disaster zone, while the Republicans have shown their anger that it was not Washington DC that got swallowed up but the Sunshine State instead.

Meanwhile Google Earth will have to adjust its map and satellite images to factor in the massive hole where Florida once used to be.

Comrade Chavez Goes to the Great Dacha in the Sky

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“Our beloved Comrade is now at rest in the great dacha in the sky. Venezuela’s loss is Stalin, Marx, Mao, Ken Livinstone and Lenin’s gain. He will also be meeting up with the other great revolutionary, Che Guevara up there in the red commie clouds,” a Venezuelan mourner told local Caracas radio stations today.

The staunch communist who amassed a personal fortune of $2 billion will be buried sometime next week.

On a slow news day like today, it’s great to get a little injection of news, and the death of Hugo Chavez is certainly a little morsel to sate the appetite slightly.

“We needed some kind of news like this, but it was inevitable, especially after the recent denials by Venezuelan officials for the past few days that Chavez had died. It’s always the case with such stories that when you have vehement denials like that, you know the inevitable has already occurred,” one of the news hungry journo’s outside the Chavez palace told their audience.

Cameron: “Destruction of the Pound Nearly Complete”

“By destroying the Pound we set ourselves up to eventually join the euro currency. That’s the ultimate plan I have been told by my boss Frau Merkel,” Mr Cameron divulged in a Sunday Times articles yesterday.

The complete devaluation of the pound also serves as a stick to beat the already impoverished people of Britain further.

“Indeed, if one engineers the destruction of the currency, this means imports are far more expensive and may have to be halted all together increasing the cost of living to dizzying heights. Furthermore, the low value of the Pound means that Britons cannot travel outside the UK any more or move their assets abroad either, unless of course they want to lose huge chunks of what little they have left. This coupled with the proposed negative banking base rate is a coup de grace on the neck of the populations, who are already under vast economic strain and an avalanche of personal debt. My esteemed colleague, George Osborne has also ensured that Britain has lost its valued AAA rating thus increasing government borrowing costs and future interest payments on our vast deficit. The standard of living in the UK is already one of the lowest in Europe, we want to bring it below Romania and Bulgaria so that when 29 million of them are eligible to come here soon, they will feel at home,” Mr Cameron added.

Even though the Prime Minister has proposed an EU referendum, there is very little chance that he may win the 2015 election, and even if he does, the amount of pro EU propaganda that is spewed out in the controlled media by him will ensure that the brainwashed battered Britons vote to stay in the EU or vote for Labour and embrace the EU anyway.

“One plans any government move years in advance of the actual act. We have already factored in many variables regarding the destruction of the formerly Great British Pound and the introduction of the euro. The vast influx of immigration from the Balkans and former Soviet Bloc countries will ensure that Britain’s society and culture is irreparably fractured and the all important class system is completely destroyed. This is the only way we can get Britain into the EU, by completely eradicating its culture and sovereignty. It is impossible to have a British class system when 85% of people in the room are from Eastern Europe and the Third World. This is how our masters, the EU technocrats, plan on destroying Britain from the inside by demanding the UK has unfettered immigration. As for the City, Brussels is already forcing them to dump their bonuses, looks like they who championed Britain staying in the EU for so long will be one of the hardest hit by the EU. Good luck to you boys, you voted for the EU and wanted to stay in, you can enjoy losing all your goodies now,” an anonymous source from Westminster revealed Monday.

The planned destruction of the Pound is an element that ties in with the back-door integration of the euro in Scotland when it votes to gain independence soon. The Scots know that they will embrace the euro just like their Celt cousins, the Irish.

“Once the Scots strategically embrace the euro, broken Britain’s England will eventually be forced to join itself or be further destroyed economically. It will be surrounded from all sides and have nowhere to go. What are they going to do in England, and Northern Ireland? Perhaps, they can move everyone to their precious Falkland Islands. That will be funny,” an unnamed unnelected technocrat from Brussels said on Sunday.

Cruise Tops Scatology Cult Hall of Fame

“When I first saw Tom, he reminded me of a stubborn dingleberry I once had because he is so insistent and demanding. I just knew we had to recruit him into the cult so he could recruit more die hard Scatology fans.” Head of the Scatology cult, David Chimpchunks, told Scatology Today magazine.

Ever since the Scatology cult was invented by N. Ron Hubbub years ago with an almighty anal sneeze that released a load of alien sewer serpents into the depths of peoples’ minds, the cult has gone from strength to strength and recruited millions to its ranks.

“Our bowl is overflowing with supersonic klingon sewer sauce and the recruits keep coming and coming,” a jubilant David Chimpchunks said yesterday from the cult’s lavish offices in a sewage processing plant in Beverly Hills.

The 56th Scatology Awards will take place in April and are sure to be as entertaining as a bowl of fresh steaming turd soup.

First Mama Michelle Obama in Chitlin Kitchen Hell

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Michelle Obama has already been responsible for countless members of the White House staff to leave in abject disgrace after falling out with the First Lady.

“I seen her throw knives in the kitchen if the chitlins ain’t cooked right. I was washing some collard greens and she didn’t think I did it right, nigga crazy! I left after that!” Jaeneisha Latonga, an ex-White House cook revealed.

While Barack Obama acts like a jumped up dictator above ground, in the White House kitchens, the staff despair at the female dictator who is prone to bullying and thuggery of the highest order.

“I was cooking the Obamas they favourite meal, hogs maw, chitlins, ham hock, corn bread, cockscombs wit’ rice and beans, hmm, hmm when she came in and started shouting at me that I ain’t cookin’ it like her mama cooked it. I said ‘bitch cook this’ and threw a bowl of chicken feet at her. I never seen eyes like that, I gots thrown out with the trash without pay, shiiet!” Edna Jackson, a cook who is now working for a downtown Washington DC restaurant recalled.

The Obama’s like to have their food cooked the right way or there is hell to pay.

“When it come to soul food you gots to do it right but what da Obamas doin’ is actin’ like communisses. This ain’t no Marxiss? This ain’t no Stallin show huh? They’s got to get wit’ treatin’ they staff right. Ima have to go git anutha zone, anutha massa cuz this sucks. Stop wit da dictatin’ an’ shieet!” an anonymous White House kitchen worker said yesterday.

This year the White House kitchen has gone through thirty seven cooks already, up 15% from the same time last year.

Tory Party Invent Invisibility Cloak For Eastleigh Votes

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“It was a case of put the votes in and watch ’em all disappear,” a triumphant Tory leader, David Cameron said.

As a result of the scientific experiment the Tories lost by a land slide and were even beaten by underdogs UKIP.

“Now all we need is to use the invisibility cloak on David Cameron’s socialist principles, and only then may we have a fighting chance in the 2015 General Election,” a disgusted Tory backbencher revealed.

Thousands Jam St. Peter’s Square to See Pope Leave in a Puff of Smoke

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Before tens of thousands of people under clear blue skies, Pope Benedict XVI suddenly disappeared as his physical body and soul were finally recalled from whence they came.

Cheers filled St. Peter’s Square as Benedict disappeared suddenly just leaving a smell of sulphur. National flags fluttered alongside banners bearing the simple word “Grazie,” or “thanks.”

“He was taken back from where he came from. I saw lighting and fire as the great Papa disappeared in a puff of acrid sulphurous smoke. I’m all choked up from the smoke actually and can’t breathe very well so I might have to get medical help,” Adrianna Lermoustine, told Italy’s Rai Uno.

It was one of the largest crowds to turn out for Benedict in the colonnaded piazza since he was brought up from the catacombs to head the papacy nearly eight years ago.

The 85-year-old pope, seated under a canopy on the steps of the grand basilica, responded in several tongues sometimes speaking gibberish and with different voices to the crowd’s chants of joy and praise before he was reclaimed.

“I feel so sad to see him go. But our loss is his gain. Praise be to the horned one,” a 76-year-old retired Mafia hit man, Vitorio Comicci said from the event.

Miliband Sacks Balls

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“Today I sacked Balls. My scrotum, however is still intact but Balls has had the sack,” Mr Miliband told a crowd of assembled Labour politicians at noon yesterday.

Mr Miliband has been meaning to get Balls out for some time now but has had some trouble with the sacking.

“I have been trying to get the courage to sack Balls, but every time I try I can’t. This time, I kicked hard and took Balls out by sacking him,” a defiant Miliband said punching his fist in the air.

Could this recent Balls sacking be a kick in the balls for the Labour party? Answers on a postcard to Balls Sacking Comp. Room 3642, Gonad Street, London, W1 6DD. Winners get a sharp kick in the groin.

Amish Beard Thieves Strike Again

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“I went to bed last night with my beard intact. I like to stroke it before I do my evening prayers. When I woke up this morning, my chin was as smooth as a newborn calf’s butt at a livestock auction. I’ve been crying all day,” Joshua Malachite, an Amish elder told the Amish Herald.

Beard Rustling

No one knows who is clipping the precious beards from the Amish males but some have their theories about the fiendish shaving campaign.

“I reckon it’s a conspiracy to fill pillows and duvets with the beard shavings. duck down costs a lot of money but if you get a load of Amish beard fluff, then it’s jackpot time.” Isaac Mondrian, an Amish invstigator on the scene told a local Amish church meeting on Tuesday.

The Pennsylvania Amish community are living in abject fear of any further beards being rustled.