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North Korea Launches Pebbles Into South China Sea

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“This is a threat because those pebbles looked kind of threatening. Some even skimmed along the surface of the calm water before disappearing into the murky yellowy green depths,” an observer from a rubber dinghy off the North Korean shore told Reuters news agency Friday.

There is reason to believe that North Korea could up the scale of the threat by launching bricks or even large wooden timbers into the sea.

“You can never underestimate the North Korean threat. This is why we have brought in our anti sticks and stones defence systems to neighbouring islands,” US Homeland Security officer, Colonel Miles Fenster told CNN news yesterday.

Mervyn King: “Economic Recovery in Sight”

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As the once teeming with life High Streets of Britain are now boarded up graffiti ridden ghost towns with tumble weed made from rubbish blowing through their cold freezing façades, take a look around you, we are about to witness a full economic recovery because the outgoing Governor of the Bank of England says so.

As you tuck your starving kids into their soiled sheets in the freezing hovel which you cannot afford to heat, why not tell them about how the Governor has assured everyone that good times are ahead.

Put your grandparents on a death pathway in some sodden crumbling underfunded NHS death trap ward and look around at the nurses and doctors ignoring all the patients as they slowly die of starvation and lack of water.

Don’t forget the squalid state schools where no one can speak English any more and your child is put in the back of the overcrowded class, ignored by the overworked barely functioning teachers strained to breaking point.

Try and buy a bus ticket if you can afford one or take out a bank loan if you can get one to afford a train ticket to go to work. Don’t forget your car though, that thing left in the drive because you cannot pay the MOT, exorbitant road tax, insurance, let alone fill it up with petrol taxed at 95% of the price.

Can’t get a job? There is hope though, try to open a business and make a living in an economy and system which taxes you to non existence and destitution.

Oh, and another thing, Governor Sir Mervyn King says there is an economic recovery coming soon.

New Pope Wants Catholic Church to Invade Falklands

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“We will mobilise the Catholic church and invade the Falkland Islands. Once we throw the Brits out and their stupid referendum, we will build a miniature copy of St Paul’s Basilica there and put an Argie flag on top of it,” pope Jorge Bergoglio, aka Francis I, told the crowd awaiting his first appearance as pope, Wednesday.

The new pope has spoken of his desire to bring honour to his homeland of Argentina once and for all.

Argentine president, Cristina Kirchner was very happy at the news of the Argentinian pope and celebrated by getting more botox into her swollen rubber lips.

“blabber blibber blubber,” she said to a TV audience from her Buenos Aires presidential mansion.

New Houses of Parliament Design Proposal Accepted

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Even Prince Charles has been wowed by the new Houses of Parliament design and has fully endorsed the radical proposal.

“When the armoured secure vehicles transport the MPs through the solid new gates, they will be kept there in the Houses of Parliament for as long as their sentences are required to be incarcerated at Her Majesty’s Pleasure,” Rupert Magwitch, head of the presentation team for Huhne Architectural Services, said.

Some MPs have voiced their concerns for the new design but were swiftly put in their place with a bout of solitary.

The architect revealed to Architecture Today magazine that he came up with the idea for the new design whilst speeding in his car with his wife.

“I told my wife to take the wheel whilst I drew up a design on a napkin. We were doing 70mph in a 20 zone. If it wasn’t for her help I wouldn’t have got the commission.”

Building for the new Houses of Parliament project will commence next week.

Are Mass Hypno Parties the Latest Big Thing?

“Like we get about fifty to a hundred kids in a room and everyone gets hynotised by each other. The beauty of this is that we all do it in silence and just sit there in a hypnotic altered state of consciousness until someone snaps us all out of it,” Doug Schulz, a freshman from Alabama’s Ducats University told local news outlets.

The mass hypno craze seems to be spreading like wildfire from state to state and is causing parents some concern.

“I guess if it’s a toss up between lil Jimmy becoming a gang banger, smoking weed or getting some girl pregnant, we opt for mass hypnosis. At least this way he sits there in a room for hours and does no harm to anyone or himself,” David Weinsberger, a concerned parent told CBS news.

Professor Julien Senrero from Harvard University explains a little more about the phenomena: “Contrary to belief, mass hypnosis parties have been performed on Americans for a long time. If anyone ever attended a church service; a football, baseball game or went to the cinema to watch a movie, you have been party to some form of mass hypnosis. Even something as innocent as watching the TV is a form of hypnosis.”

As the mass hypnosis parties spread across America, one thing is for sure, teens are embracing a clean and quiet bit of fun and there is nothing to be afraid of. Your eyes are getting tired, you can feel your eyelids getting heavier, slowly close your eyes now and relax…ahhhh…

Why Wear Google Glasses When You Can Have an Implant?

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“Why would you want to wear such things on your head? Especially when we have the technology to put all of that and more into your head. We can hardwire technology into your brain so that you can do a google search with a single thought, recall any book in history, speak to anyone you want in the world, and record any neuromorphic memory or visual, auditory experience you want with a blink of an eye,” Hubert Ventrine, a chief scientist at MicroDent Networks situated in California, USA told New Scientist magazine.

As well as the brain chip, there are plans for mandatory RFID chip implants in humans using the ruse of medical necessity or Obamacare.

Wearing special digital internet connected glasses are of course a way to slowly get people used to being connected at all times to the digital womb blanketing the world and human population.

“You can’t go from A – Z in one go. You have to go step by step so people get used to the steps and it is not a shock to their system. When we want people to embrace new technology we have to ease them into the direction we want them to go. We can also utilise celebrities and the media to make it cool. Once the people embrace one step willingly, then we move them onto the next step. Brain Microchipping will be here soon, and it will revolutionise humanity fusing machine with man. The hive mind will be a form of human Cloud computing and it will link everyone, and will be crucial to functioning in the new society. If you do not however embrace the brain chipping, you will probably be left behind, lose your job and be ostracised by the hive mind. By completely destroying the individual, we will introduce better, more advanced control systems for the global neural human mind,” Gunther Heinz, head of communications at Net Bios, another company developing a neural brain chip for the future, told the BBC.

North Korea Says ‘Prepare For Amazing Dancing Troupe Show’

Kim Jong-un escalated his inflammatory response to a new round of Gangnam You Tube videos by ordering his dancers on the border with South Korea to prepare for some “serious frigging dancing”. 

But China, North Korea’s only powerful ally, publicly urged “calm and Gangnam restraint”. 

Mr Kim chose a highly sensitive location for his address to the North Korean state’s official dancing troupe, visiting dance studios facing the South Korean island of Yeonpyeong, where a North Korean dance-off permanently crippled four people and wounded 19 in 2010.

Mr Kim “stressed the need for the dancers to keep themselves fully ready to go into action to dance like they never danced before”.

Mr Kim’s open talk of a new Korean Gangnam style dance-off came after his regime threatened America with a “pre-emptive thermo-groovy booty shake up” that would wipe the arses off those American hip hop body poppers once and for all.

The aggressive dance pose came in response to the unanimous vote in the UN Security Council on Thursday to impose further North Korean dance sanctions.

Kelly Osbourne Smelled a Cheeseburger on Fashion Set

The employee was sacked yesterday after an internal enquiry into the sudden seizure of Kelly Osbourne and her subsequent hospitalisation.

“She hasn’t eaten solids for two years so when she smelled the cheeseburger her body seized up. She was fighting the urge with all her might. We heard in the ambulance she tried to eat the medics hand and kept talking about sesame buns, lettuce, ketchup, mayo and partially melted cheese with a well done char-grilled juicy patty slapped in the middle. She looked white as a sheet when they took her out of that ambulance poor thing,” Angela Hernendez, one of the researchers on the show revealed to celebrity site TMZ.

Ms Osbourne was covered by a large white sheet to protect her modesty from the waiting crowds who had gathered to watch the spectacle.

Plasticine formaldehyde skinned co-host, Joan Rivers said of the tragedy: “I can’t smell a thing myself because my nose is not real, but I saw Kelly’s nose twitching wildly and her eyes rolled up and we just saw the whites of her eyes. Her mouth started to drool as she then started shaking like she was having a benzo-fit or like in the movie Scanners before that guy’s f*cking head blows up. At first I started to laugh because I’m a cruel piece of sh*t like that, but eventually I came to my senses and after twenty or so minutes decided to call for the ambulance.”

Obama Voters Will Get Struck By Drones In Their Own Country

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The cowardly method of clinically killing people from thousands of feet in the air utilising radio controlled drones will soon come to the people who voted for Obama in the first place.

Obama’s Attorney General, Eric Holder has vowed to roll out the drones in the United States saying he will not hesitate to kill Americans on their own soil.

“You voted for us you dumb f*cking sheep. So we got a present for all y’all. We gonna kill you with drones from the air. How’s that for a thank you,” Mr Holder said before giggling like a drunk hyena.

Let’s see how the American population feels to live in perpetual fear and terror like the rest of the world being terrorised by American killer drones.

Natwest Still Running on Windows 97

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“I phoned up my Natwest branch and they said their Windows 97 had crashed and I’d have to go somewhere else for the cash. This is ridiculous,” an irate Natwest customer told the BBC.

According to Natwest’s head of IT, the glitch was noticed when the dreaded ‘blue screen of death’ happened.

“Once you see that you know it’s all over. We’ve been trying for hours to get our system back up and may have to finally upgrade to Windows 98 soon. I wish we had Macs here. This would never have happened with OS X. I don’t know what I’m talking about..Aaargh..Jibber jabber jibber!” one of the Natwest IT boys said from the Bangalore company looking after the servers.