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Who’s Next For a Herr Cut?

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Rumour has it that Spain is next in line for a bank depositor raid by the EU, but then again it could be Italy or maybe Portugal.

In Brussels, some eurocrats have taken to tossing coins to determine who gets a haircut.

What about the Germans? They may need to have their banks ‘restructured’ as well? Many Germans are now fearing a 40% raid on their accounts if things do not get better soon.

“I’ve been working all my life and have saved my money in my account. Why should I be punished?” Adolph Shitler told a German newspaper yesterday.

Too Late Cameron Unfettered Immigration Cat Already Out of Bag

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As the panicking PM tries to make a few gestures about the massive immigration movement into the UK, he is already at a loss because they are all already here.

“Ever since the Labour government’s unfettered open door policy into the UK which began in 1994, there has been an influx of over 20 million immigrants, the majority from the Third World and former Soviet bloc, clogging up the welfare system, using the NHS and overcrowding schools. They create a huge burden on the already heaving housing sector and the roads are full with their beaten up uninsured vehicles as they ignore Britain’s road rules. Regular road laws do not apply to cars registered in other parts of the EU, and these cars cannot be fined,” an anonymous Briton told a London radio station today.

What Labour did to the indigenous population was to change it forever. They have fractured whole communities, displaced families and locked out Britons from their own birth right. They have destroyed Britain from the inside and have possibly killed off the welfare state that they themselves created in post war Britain in the 1940s. The NHS is buckling because of Labour, and in December 2013 when restrictions are lifted for 29 million Romanians and Bulgarian to live in the UK, the final bell will toll for the National Health Service as it will go under with the weight of the EU influx.

“What the Labour government did is unforgivable, almost treasonous. The suffering they have created will be felt for generations to come as our children and our grandchildren will bear the brunt of what the Labour government did. No one should ever forget that. Even if you are a staunch socialist, you will not have an NHS soon because of the supposedly caring Labour government. You are lucky now to get a GP appointment let alone a hip operation. Pensioners are treated as cattle to starve in wards and to sleep in their own faeces and urine. You can thank Tony Blair and Gordon Brown for all of this misery. They spent every penny that Britain had on their useless pet projects and useless wars that achieved nothing but lined the pockets of the crony nanny state workers and unions. As for Ed Miliband and Ed Balls, they will do worse things if they ever come into power,” Geoffrey Tumble, a civil servant from Nottingham told the BBC before being cut off.

David Cameron is trying to look like he’s doing something about the massive immigration assault onto this small island with not much space or resources but is is already too late. Ordinary citizens are seeing their quality of life drop to poverty levels, they are seeing essential services cut, they are seeing the cost of living rise to impossible levels and they are seeing their beloved country being reduced to a smouldering wreck with no way out.

“There’s nothing anyone can do now because the people they let in were not professional, educated people, they did not want jobs, they let in the lowest common denominator.These people are now breeding inside the UK and their numbers are growing daily. There were no checks like there are in Australia, where you have to have job lined up already and a profession, there was nothing. These people were given housing, medical health care and free reign in the overcrowded school system where the teachers spend more time trying to communicate with hand gestures than teach kids a curriculum. Britain has received some of the poorest people in the world whilst the professionals, scientists, educators and brains have left for sunnier climes. Do you blame them? Britain has suffered a massive brain drain as the educated have left these shores, and Labour let in the scrapings from the bottom of the barrel, probably because they thought these people would be their core voters in a general election,” a councillor from a non-Labour run council said yesterday.

EU CRISIS: Dunkirk Mark II

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In a speech to the House of Commons, David Cameron called the events in the EU “a colossal economic disaster”, saying that “the whole root and core and bank balance of the British ex-pat Army” had been stranded at Dunkirk and seemed about to perish or be left penniless.

In his ‘We shall fight on the beaches’ speech on 26 March 2013, he hailed their eventual rescue as a “miracle of deliverance”.

The second Dunkirk evacuation, commonly known as the Non-miracle of Merkel, code-named Operation Eurodisaster by the British, will be the evacuation of British ex-pats from the beaches and harbour of Dunkirk, France, as they are cut off by the German EU Troika squads trying to empty their pockets and pension funds.

One Dunkirk Mark II evacuee said: “F*ck it I’m swimming. I’m not even waiting for a boat.”

Boris Johnson Telephones Darius Guppy Again

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According to BBC studio workers who overheard Boris Johnson on the phone after the interview on Sunday, someone’s going to pay a heavy price for those questions.

After the fateful Sunday interview, Mr Johnson did not waste any time getting on the phone to his old friend Guppy and revealing the home address of Eddie Mair, the BBC interviewer who gave Bo Jo such a bloody hard time.

“I want you to get the boys with their knuckle dusters and cricket bats to break both of his legs, some ribs and give the rude little oik who doesn’t know his place a darn good thrashing. Don’t forget to kick him in the knackers as well for good effect,” Boris was overheard telling his pal on the phone just after leaving the studio.

If I was you Eddie Mair I’d be careful walking down your road because the London Mayor has your address.

Labour Sends BBC Rottweiler After Boris

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As an attack, it was very well orchestrated and deadly with an added theatrical effect that had audiences gripped with anticipation.

Sunday ambush

“To see old Boris Johnson squirming like a mangy dog on the sofa was thouroughly unpleasant to watch, that is unless you are a Labour-ite socialist oik,” a friend of Boris told the Telegraph last night.

The BBC, naturally a champion of Labour’s manifesto, showed its audiences what it thinks of the Tories, but what if a Tory was actually behind the kicking of Boris?

“No doubt this has the paw prints of the Cameron corner all over it. It was a fresh gutting there on the sofa of a fellow Bullingdon boy, but it may have backfired because it seems that Boris is even more likeable now and a serious contender to the Conservative throne.” a Tory insider revealed.

Russian Bear Gets a Good Kicking From Tiny Island Cyprus

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Southern Cyprus may be a tiny piece of land in the Mediterranean ocean but it has inflicted a massive hit on the huge behemoth Mother Russia with a bank grab on depositors netting billions of Russian euros.

“Like David and Goliath, we have tamed the Russian bear with one fell swoop. We took your money you Russkie bastards. Don’t mess with the Greeks in the EU,” Costas Malakas, a restaurant owner from Limassol told Greek Daily News.

There is jubilation on the island as the credit crisis has been averted after much procrastination.

“We took 40% of their cash. Those Russkies got hammered bad. I hope they’re ok about us taking their billions,” a jovial Greek Cypriot politician said looking over his shoulder nervously.

Nicos Papalopoudopous, a jubilant shop owner from Nicosia said: “Russians who were suckered into our Greek Cypriot honey trap must feel like asses right now. They were led to the slaughter like sheep in a pen. With interest rates from our crooked banks as high as 10% if they did not know this was a honey trap they must’ve been stupid. It’s your fault you vodka swilling Russian losers. Remember the old saying, ‘Beware of Greeks Bearing Gifts’ well how about that for a gift?”

Summer Coming in 2018 Say Experts

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There was more good news today from the Met office on the weather situation as it transpires that we’re going to get a British summer in 2018.

Speaking from London’s Weather Centre, Dr. Fitzgerald Sapmelch said: “Our calculations predict three days of sunshine some time in 2018. It will probably be in August or September if we’re lucky. Expect temperatures as high as 16 degrees celcius for about three or four days.”

On hearing of the wonderful news on all media, people were said to be ecstatic and already planning what they are going to do on those three days of sunshine.

“I can’t wait to see the sun for a few days. I think I’ll just get a deck chair in my garden and sit there and look at the sun with a drink in my hand. I shall look up at the sky and stand there in awe as the sun’s rays beam down onto me,” Sharon Tittletattle, from Hertfordshire told the BBC.

What are you going to do on the three days of sunshine in 2018? Please tell us your stories below. The best answer will get an all expenses paid trip to Southern Cyprus.

EU CYPRUS CRISIS: British Expats Urged Not to Take Their Money Out of Spain

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“We urge you all to keep your money in Spanish banks because it is about as safe as a choir boy bending over in a Catholic church vestry. Please do not worry, when the banks open on Tuesday in Cyprus, everyone will keep their money in there and it won’t all be taken out in a massive frenzy,” Robert Tarreton, a Home Office spokesman in Spain told the BBC World Service.

There is no threat of contagion or panic! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! Get out NOW!!!! PANIC!!

Eurocrats were quick to assure depositors that they would not do the same thing in Spain as they did in Cyprus with a forced levy.

“We have your best interests at heart. We care about you and your money. Hmm, there must be a lot more money in Spain than Cyprus. Hmmm, I wonder if we could do the same thing as Cyprus. What can you do about it? Nada, nothing. Nah, don’t worry we would never take 40% of your life savings, he,he,he,he!” an unnamed unelected eurocrat revealed on Saturday.

So please keep your money in Spanish banks, there is nothing to worry about, AAAaaargh! There is no need to panic and get your cash out as soon as possible while you still have a chance! You don’t need to transfer it back to the UK pronto! Do not PANIC!!! There is nothing to worry about before the massive capital flight starts from EU banks soon.

Oligarchs in Hotel Fight Cause Billions Pounds Damage

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“It was hell. The oligarchs just went crazy when one of them started to brag about his billions and pulled out a huge wad of cash from his pocket,” the hotel’s bell boy revealed.

In addition to the dining hall, the ballroom and hotel’s reception, several levels were trashed and some of the oligarchs even dropped wads of cash around.

“I’ve never seen so much money on the floor. Well, it was blood, hair and money strewn all over the expensive broken décor,” Mrs Janice Smith, 54, who had gone to have a cup of tea and scones at the hotel’s dining room.

The hotel manager explained his take on the situation: “In the old days it used to be rock stars doing the damage but now that the music biz is an insipid lame pool of mediocrity, it is the oligarchs having their destructive fun.”

Some even suggested that the Bullingdon club may have attended briefly but this was dismissed as the evidence clearly leads to the Russians.

Taylor Swift Looking For New Song Material

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Taylor Swift is looking for new song material for her latest album which will no doubt fly off the shelves to pre-pubescent girls when it comes out next week.

“She’s a fast worker, she can come up with an album in less than a week,” an executive from her record company told Rolling Stone magazine.

By noon yesterday queues of eager men were snaking around the building where Taylor Swift was located reports from local news stations said.

One man in the queue, Ed Gaines, 38, from Nashville said: “Amon getta chance to be on a Taylor Swift a’bum, uh huh. Can’t wait to get on her and getta work, then when am furnished, she gawn chuck me outta the room and git the next boy in.”