“Essentially we remove unnecessary organs from your body so that you will be thinner and lighter however much you eat. For example, take out a lung, maybe a kidney, half your liver and the majority of your intestines and you are guaranteed to lose weight and be lighter. In some patients we have seen drastic weight loss although they did not live long enough for us to conduct more tests on the efficacy of the weight loss system,” the doctor told the American Medical Journal.
The new diet was leaped on by overweight stars like Roseanne Barr, Oprah Winfrey and Rosie O’donnell who have sung its praises.
“I was taken to a medical facility in Beverly Hills where they removed my gallbladder, one kidney, one lung, and had my pancreas taken out. I went in in the morning and was out by 2pm it was incredible, they even showed me what they took out in a bucket on the floor of the operating table. Dang, I couldn’t believe all that stuff was in me no wonder I was so heavy, I’m sure glad it’s all out,” the now svelte talk show host Rosie O’donnell told CBS’s Morning Show.
The fashion industry has been using the doctor’s organ removal services secretly for years with models fed up of snorting cocaine all day long.
Even former glamour model Katie Price has asked Dr Lisswowski’s assistance to remove her brain but after extensive cranial scanning he could not locate it. She has since opted for her humungous basketball silicon breast implants to be reduced slightly.
Michelle Obama is also pushing her husband to include the Organ Removal Diet to be covered by Obamacare.
Tanya Turlington, a woman’s diet activist has spoken out against the organ removal diet and suggested a reliable diet resource that could instead help with losing excess weight without surgery.
“People need all of their internal organs, so please folks don’t get them taken out just so you can look like a size zero,” she told Woman’s Weekly magazine.
Next week an expose on the Beverly Hills Skeleton Removal Diet
“Here is a man who personifies what Labour is about. Before he went to prison for murdering his six children, he would get £60,000 in benefits per annum to spend on booze, fags, gambling and playstations. The Philpott household had two mega size flat screen TVs, hundreds of the latest gadgets and this man lived like a king whilst being serviced by his two welfare women. His 17 benefit bred children were given barely any food and were given single items of clothing for the whole year. Their sole purpose was to be bred for benefits,” local Labour election campaigner, Jenny Arson, told the BBC.
Labour leader, Ed Miliband was joyous about the announcement: “I am very happy to see that Mick Philpott has been made the new face of Labour at the next election. We want to give the message that if you vote for us you can live a lifestyle of no work, plentiful booze, sex, drugs and fags and all the mod cons you ever wanted all paid for by people who work for you. All you have to do, as our core voting group, is vote Labour again and we will increase your benefit payments when we come back into power. The system has been made to create Labour voters and we must not spoil that.”
Ms Swift flew out to the capital city of North Korea two days ago and was met at the airport by Kim Jong Un who took her to his palace in Pyonyang.
There are rumours on the internet that this could be a ploy to soften up the nuke crazed dictator and Swift could actually be a CIA agent.
“The Central Intelligence Agency knows what a great fan Kim is and I’m sure they’re monitoring his internet use. Taylor Swift is very well known in male circles around the world and she has been around the block like thirty or forty times, so sleeping with Kim Jong Un will be easy for her. Either she stops him nuking the world, or she’s going to write a great friggin’ song about her experience of how Kim is such a jerk,” Moshe Cohen, her manager told MTV.
On Sunday the hot temptress Swift and Kim were seen inspecting a dog meat processing factory on the outskirts of the capital city and accordiing to North Korean state television the dictator plans to show her around some missile silos later on this week.
“The world’s fate is in the hands of Taylor Swift, so she better be good with those slender fingers of hers,” a spokesman from the CIA told Reuters today.
An unnamed unelected EU official announced the terrible news on Saturday.
“All kebabs on the island will incur a heavy EU kebab tax and if there is extra chilli sauce the tax will increase by increments of 10% per year,” the official explained to baffled Cypriots on Sunday.
Nicos Malboudros, a local kebab shop owner from Larnaca was furious at the new levy as his business has already suffered after the recent bank raid by the EU.
“I am disgusted at this new shish kebab tax. They took 60% of my profits in my bank account and now I stand to lose my business as no one will buy my kebabs because the price is so high.”
The EU has stipulated that restaurants can avoid the kebab tax if they sell Brätwurst instead of the traditional kebabs so prevalent on the Mediterranean island.
Zoo keeper Ed Burrows, said that he was in the ape enclosure when he saw what looked like a primate trying to escape the zoo.
“We got the tranquiliser gun out and shot it but it just wouldn’t go down. We even tried to entice it with some bananas but that didn’t work. Eventually after the fourth dart, it went down but on close inspection we realised our mistake.”
The zoo has apologised unreservedly to Liam Gallagher who was given a voucher for a year’s visiting for free.
Liam Gallagher was not available for comment today but sources say he has one hell of a hangover after getting hit by those tranquiliser darts.
Whilst other traditional newspapers are writing the odd chucklsome April 1st article and even Google has had a go at it, the Squib is taking the day off thank you very much.
“This is one day in the year that we get a day off so I’m off to the pub to get completely blootered,” one of our writers said today.
So dear readers, numbering about 15, expect no Squib stories from us today. We know you will be very sad about that.
“He has passed with flying colours and completed the tasks necessary to be a North Korean mad dictator,” a teacher at the school said with a gun firmly pointed at their head.
North Korean state television ran the news early this morning and many took to the streets beating their fists against their chests to show their joy and proud feelings for Kim Jong Un.
“Declare war, check! Threaten to send missiles to USA, check! Make funny propaganda photoshops and videos, check!” Kim Jong Un’s teacher said as he was giving out the final grade for the course.
Kim Jong Un got an A+ Distinction grade for his exemplary dictatorship skills.
“Our estimates are that Pope Francis was reaching speeds in excess of 600 mph which is the average speed of a passenger jet plane,” Rudolph Mancuso, an air traffic controller at Rome’s Leonardo Da Vinci–Fiumicino airport revealed to Italian media outlets.
The new pope has been berated for his strange and weird actions since coming to power, first by licking the feet of male prisoners, an act with homosexual undertones, and now flying over Rome on a magic carpet.
“Benedict XVI would never have done this stuff, he was just into paedophilia cover-ups in the church but this new pope is just absolutely strange,” Lonera Jablomi, a Holy See nun told Vatican Today news.
Others have condemned the new pope of dabbling in satanic magic by being able to fly on a carpet.
“Only the devil can pull off stunts like that. There he is off again like some satanic Aladdin character. Where did he get that magic carpet anyway? It certainly wasn’t from the church of Jesus Christ,” Francesca Bertollini, a concerned Catholic observer revealed to Italy’s Rai Uno channel.
The latest EU Cyprus money grab with a tortuous bank levy on depositors is a sign that we are nearing the beginning of a major economic crisis that will surely engulf the whole world making the 2008 dip look like a minor blip.
These events are like ripples emanating from the global economic pond, similar to small tremors preceding a large earthquake and tsunami that will devastate millions of peoples’ lives.
The elite have been at war with the population for some time, but it has been covert, we are only seeing now that they want to take everything from the masses. And when everything is used up and the people are completely destitute, they will then introduce martial law and hard weaponry and not the economic and chemical stick they have been using for so long.
If you take one step back. Look at the food presented to the masses in supermarkets. It is all wrapped in plastic, the chemicals that leach into your food every day are poisoning you and your family. The additives in your drinks, in your food and in your water are there to make you infertile and slowly kill you. The genetically modified vegetables and fruit are devoid of nutrients and necessery compounds. The WIFI radiation permeating everywhere is not there for your benefit as the mobile phones you stick close to your skull and are so addicted to.
Every day you see the media and politicians telling the people that the economic crisis will be over soon that they should accept austerity poverty measures and they should accept the little wealth they have left being taken away from them. The truth is that nothing is going to get better soon. They know that they have to lie to the populace for as long as it takes until it is too late.
The time has come, and unfortunately it is too late. The most important economy in the world, America can never pay back its debts and will fall soon. Why do you think Homeland Security has purchased billions of rounds of ammunition and the Obama government is trying to disarm the people of their weapons? Why do you think they are deploying thousands of unmanned killer drones in the air over the United States? They know all too well that when the economy collapses completely, all hell will break loose. What the politicians and Federal Reserve are doing now is holding off the inevitable for as long as possible.
The banks have orchestrated a spectacular coup de grâce on the world’s populations with a huge crisis that will affect everyone for generations to come. These robber barons have robbed and pillaged every penny from the slave worker bees, but they want more, much more. You, as tax cash cows are near the end of your useful lives.
The constant printing of money with QE does not flow evenly into the economic system. It stays in the financial service industry and among people that have access to these funds, mostly bankers and elite financiers. It does not go to the worker or trickle down to small business.
Quantitative Easing has helped to lift parts of the world economy a little here and there but the underlying effect is false and has no basis in good ground economic sense or longevity. Almost akin to building a house on quicksand, soon the foundations will give way and sink taking the rest of the building with it.
What America’s Bernanke and Britain’s Osborne are essentially doing is creating bubbles on bubbles within bubbles. Sooner or later the fragile bubbles will burst taking everything down in catastrophic circumstances. The Ponzi scheme cannot go on forever, sooner or later every Madoff has their day and so the economic crisis that will possibly usher in physical warfare will come into play. No financial instrument will be safe, gold will be useless when they put you into a FEMA camp.
The old system the elite created for you is gone, it is broken. The new post-consumerist age does not need you, and as every civilisation in the past died, so too will this one, spawning a new more efficient scientifically created one with a regulated population for the earth of approximately 500 million.
When everything is shut down, without food or security for you and your family, what are you going to do if you are not prepared?
Exactly as planned, you will try and go into the streets to get food and water for you and your family. You will probably be met with soldiers and riot police, but that is not the problem of the bankers and the politicians. They do not care, they never have, and they never will.
With the streets shut off and martial law enforced by the military, the holding camps will be full of people, confused, hungry and most of all angry at the situation they have found themselves in. The American Katrina disaster of 2005 is an example of what it would be like. When people will be begging to go to holding camps for food and water, you know things can’t get any worse than that.
The next phase of the economic crisis will threaten your way of life, as you have been lulled into a sense of security and apathy now, you will wake up from your slumber to something so terrible that you will wish you had woken up earlier before the bankers and elite had set this crisis up.
The next chapter of the stratagem will dramatically reduce people’s savings, destroy businesses, saving accounts, investments and pensions.
Everything will change, you will not be able to go on holiday any more, or surf your facebook page or watch the latest banal Kardashian reality show on your TV box.
What happens to commodity prices during major crisis? They rise to impossible levels, milk, bread, petrol prices soar, credit cards will not work any more and banks simply close their doors. Empty supermarket shelves cannot feed you or your family. The governments today do not have an answer to the question of sustainability. There are no mentions of ‘economic growth’ because they know full well that under the current system, there is no solution to the problem of increasing population and decreasing resources. Eventually the laws of physics catch up to the lies, and this is what is happening now. They held off the inevitable with lies for so long that there is no time left for them and they know full well that the day of reckoning is upon them. Will the people wake up from the lies they have been fed for so long? Probably not, even when everything is taken away from them, they will still trust their masters, even when they are being systematically liquidated, they will still believe their masters and they will obey without question.
The U.S. Dollar is today the world’s reserve primary currency, and if this were to change, there would be grave danger for Americans especially as everything they purchase is in the primary currency of the world.
The U.S. government has borrowed so much money that there will come a time very soon from now when they will not be able to pay back even the interest on the loans. Much like Greece has done, the U.S. is unfortunately so much in debt that even if they took away all the interest and everyone in the country worked seven days a week for the next fifty years and taxed 100% of their income, they would still not be able to pay back the interest on the debt.
If America goes, what hope for little minnows like Britain or other countries in the world? Well, the UK does not have as much debt as America but unfortunately it is tied to Europe, and this will be its undoing as it is sucked up by the EU to adopt the euro currency. There will be no option as Britain’s weak politicians capitulate to the might of Germany. Britain may have won two world wars, but it will lose the third world war, which is the economic one.
America has more debt than the European Union combined and eventually they will have nowhere to go, because the interest alone on the debt will not be sustainable. What are they going to do, borrow more or print more cash devaluing the dollar to nothing? Imagine hauling a suitcases of dollars around to buy a loaf of bread, the Germans know full well what that feels like. Naturally they will be forced to go for the pensions and that will be ok for one time, but after that there will be nothing left to grab.
The almighty U.S. Dollar is the world’s reserve currency and with this in mind, Americans have never had to pay for their imports in a foreign currency, not like other countries have to buy dollars first to buy anything. Well the dollar as the world’s reserve currency is the reason why Americans do not need to manufacture anything in America, or pay for high oil prices. This is why they can fill up their gas tanks for less than a cup of tea in the UK. This is what they have been living off for the past thirty years, if they get into a spot of bother, they just print a bit more money and mess around with the interest rates a little bit. Otherwise, it’s spend, spend, spend. Just ask Barack Obama about the spending, he knows full well what the situation is, but he’ll be in his bunker, with Michelle and the kids reading bed time stories while up above them all hell will be breaking loose.
As America spends and spends and spends under Obama, its consumption-led way of life will end abruptly soon enough when its biggest creditors realise that there is no end to the spending. China knows full well that America is in serious trouble and will not be able to pay back its debts and they are now pushing for a new reserve currency for the world. China has also been dumping its American debt and diversifying in other currencies, even the troubled euro is preferable to the dollar for the Chinese.
When America loses its reserve currency status, things will get harder for the leading spender in the world. Everything in America will suddenly get really expensive, European prices times ten and then some.
America and Britain have both lost their AAA rating recently, that very act also added to the misery of the U.S. and U.K. economies because it means that the trillion dollar and pound debts will be even harder to pay off.
When America cannot pay back China any more and they cannot print any more money; the bond market collapsing, the dollar collapsing and finally the artificially elevated stock market collapsing will be a triple whammy that will seal its fate and affect everyone else as well.
Ed Miliband was less forthright about the issue of his brother leaving the UK because he couldn’t hack being passed over for Labour leadership by his younger brother.
“I am the leader of the Labour party, it was I, who was the only choice and you had your chance David but you fudged it, you could’ve got Gordon Brown, or you could’ve at least tried. Instead you fudged it and this is why you were passed over. Obviously you cannot face the fact that your younger brother got the job you wanted, and you are leaving to New York. Well, that’s not going to save you from your failure is it? Your champagne socialist massive new salary won’t save you either. Everywhere you look and every moment of the day, you will see my face and remember that you failed to become the Labour party’s leader, unlike me, the future Prime Minister of Britain,” Ed Miliband announced through a specially made BBC program last night.
