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Upper Classes Flocking to NASCAR

Johnson Smythe
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“I grew my first mullet haircut and instead of champagne I now drink Schitz beer. I used to frequent Polo clubs, but it is so passée now. Look at my beer belly. It was cultivated with great ardour. NASCAR is the sport of the elite now. Just seeing those cars go round and round and round for hours on end. It’s terribly exciting,” Giles Farnsworth II, an Ivy League graduate and trust fund kid, told Forbes.

The NASCAR look takes months to cultivate and some are even having hair grafts on their backs.

“You gotta have a hairy back and your arms have to drag on the ground. It’s called the NASCAR shuffle. Once you get your knuckles dragging on the ground when you walk, you know you made it into NASCAR nirvana. I mean, I feel like I’m part of the crew now,” an investment banker for Goldman Sachs revealed track side.

There has been a backlash from regular NASCAR fans however to the influx of well-bred NASCAR wannabees.

“What the f*ck is going on here? Why don’t they just go back to their exclusive clubs? I seen one dude with a mullet the wrong way round, and when he was driving his 1986 Camaro to the NASCAR race he forgot to put the fluffy dice on the mirror,” Ted Johnson, an angry car mechanic, and NASCAR fan from Detroit revealed.

Concentration Camp Diet Latest Hollywood Celebrity Weight Loss Craze

Johnson Smythe
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0
Concentration Camp Diet Latest Hollywood Celebrity Weight Loss Craze

Doctor Arnold Weiss pioneered the diet which claims to be able to shift the fat like no other diet in the world.

“Once you pay for the Concentration Camp Diet, you can kiss the flab goodbye forever. You won’t just lose weight you’ll never see it ever again, that is if you survive.”

The controversial diet starts as soon as the client enters the doctor’s office in Beverly Hills and pays $17,800.

“As soon as you pay, we own you. There is no get out clause once you sign the contract. The clients are rounded up at gunpoint by the diet guards, put in a crowded cattle truck and transported to our secret camp somewhere in the Mojave desert. There is no food or water for the eight hour journey and when they arrive they are pushed out onto the platform in front of the barking Alsations. The clients are then directed to either go left or to the right depending on their weight. The Concentration Camp Diet regime lasts for 10 months and is so gruelling that some clients don’t make it,” the doctor revealed.

Steven Spielberg was even consulted to design the Concentration Diet camp to replicate his masterpiece film, Schindlers List.

Paris Hilton has already signed up and so has Lindsay Lohan. Roseanne Barr signed up 11 months ago but no one has heard from her since.

One prospective client luckily escaped the ordeal by finding an alternative method of losing weight and saved herself thousands of dollars as well as possibly her life. Others, were not so lucky.

“They put us in a striped uniform and made us break rocks all day under the beating sun. Whenever I hear someone speaking German now I hide under the table. They fed us one piece of stale bread every two weeks and even pulled the fillings from my mouth while I was still awake. I thought I was at a Sea Org Scientology camp sometimes it was so brutal,” Gina Frankel, a client who lost over 18 stone (252 lbs) in weight during her sentence, revealed to Woman’s Weekly magazine.

Peaches Geldof, who goes through about five different celeb fads a week is now looking into the Concentration Camp Diet because she says that it sounds “so with it”.

Do You Have a Case of IDS?

Johnson Smythe
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Do You Have a Case of IDS?

“We’re getting loads of people coming in day in day out saying they’ve got a bad case of the IDS. It’s putting a real strain on our surgery,” local GP, Dr. Narayan Bungolawa, told the Manchester Post.

According to NHS officials IDS is caught when people go to their local benefits office to sign on.

“It’s an irrational fear that IDS will take away their benefits or Job Seekers Allowance. We’re also getting a lot of disabled people with IDS and pensioners too. It’s a very sad condition and can severely impair one’s thought processes,” an NHS worker revealed to the BBC.

Doctors have warned that IDS is quite contagious and there is no cure for it.

World War II Was Fought For Nothing

Johnson Smythe
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1
World War II Was Fought For Nothing

“We won the battle in 1945 but we’ve lost the war in 2013. David Cameron is set to give the UK away soon,” Gerald Arkwright, 90, a veteran of World War II, who fought on D-Day told the Daily Mirror.

One only has to look at the grip of death the EU has on the UK to see the damage on its sovereignty, economy, its laws and its society.

“EU regulations now dictate everything in Britain. You can’t swing a cat without some faceless unelected EU bureaucrat telling you you have to pay a fine. The hospitals are creaking with poor EU migrants, our jobs have all been taken and our schools are going under with the massive influx. The EU Human Rights laws are abused by ruthless money-grabbing lawyers so we can’t even deport foreign convicted criminals and terrorists from our own land. Our grandfathers fought and died for nothing because I just have to look around the overcrowded streets to see that,” an angry Briton said from his trolley in a hospital corridor.

Duke of Edinburgh Denies Queen Gave Him Black Eye

Johnson Smythe
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Duke of Edinburgh Denies Queen Gave Him Black Eye

Prince Philip, 91, said he did not fall on the Queen’s handbag when she was swinging it around.

The duke earlier joked that he did not want any moose pie or a lumberjack uniform whilst he presented a new ceremonial flag to 3rd Battalion, The Royal Canadian Regiment, in Toronto. He is the regiment’s colonel-in-chief.

He then told the assembled Canadians: “At least you’re not Americans.”

Hundreds of people gathered to watch the military ceremony which featured parachutists and rappel teams racing down the side of a building.

He told troops that “in a world where there is so much senseless violence, like even in one’s own bloomin’ palace, the regiment has an enviable reputation for peacekeeping. Maybe I should get you to sort Lizzie out”.

The Queen is known to have a vicious temper, and one time hung Prince Charles up by his ears with clothes pegs when he was 12 because he did not feed her corgis on time.

“I’ve had to live with her for years. I’m a vicious brute myself, but next to her I’m nothing,” the duke later quipped.

Oil Rich Iraq Gases People U.S. Invades, Non Oil Rich Syria Gases People No U.S. Invasion

Johnson Smythe
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1

“Iraq had the world’s second largest oil reserves, Afghanistan is very resource rich, so we invaded, but Syria is a different story. They just don’t have anything there,” U.S. State Department employee, Giles Hanson, told CNN.

Obama was emphatic yesterday that there will not be any U.S. invasion of Syria.

“What’s in it for us? Plus we’re scared of the Russians,” he said from the golf course in Washington DC.

America is the largest oil user in the world and its appetite cannot be sated by Syrian barren resources.

New Satellite Images Show Japan Glowing in the Dark From Space

Johnson Smythe
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1
New Satellite Images Show Japan Glowing in the Dark From Space

NASA spokesman, Geoff Kukovich, spoke about the amazing pictures today at a press conference.

“Even though the pictures were taken whilst that side of the earth was in darkness, Japan is seen to be glowing bright green. It proves our worst fears are probably true about the extent of radiation emanating from the unfortunate country.”

The Japanese people are very resilient and have lived through incredible hardship over the centuries, and they will surely shrug off this rather radioactive episode as they have done many times before.

“The high levels of radiation that are leaking from Fukushima right now have their advantages. For example if I lose my sushi in a darkened room, I can see it clear as day, even in a closed fridge,” Satsumi Kendo, a physics student from Tokyo told Japanese state radio today.

Music Biz Tears as SLJ, THP, FVF and WSX Split

Johnson Smythe
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0
Music Biz Tears as SLJ, THP, FVF and WSX Split

“We feed the public with enough shit and they eventually see it as normal,” the music executive for Warner Bros. music told Entertainment Weekly.

The sadness felt has however been dampened because music executives have created twenty more faceless banal boy band and girl band acts to complement the vacuum left in the music biz.

“It’s not just a question of cross-collateralization, we have to sometimes adjust the template to increase sales even further. SLJ split so we created DXG,” another executive explained.

Apple Develops iChopping Board

Johnson Smythe
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7
Apple Develops iChopping Board

Speaking at the product’s unveiling today, Apple CEO, Tim Cook, said: “The iChopping Board is going to revolutionise the way people chop their food in the kitchen. We can safely say that this product is the best thing since sliced onion.”

The innovative device even detects what you’re chopping on it and gives you tips on what to cook.

Retailing at $3,500 a pop this new Apple gadget is sure to chop up your wallet too.

“When Apple announced the iChopping Board, I practically wet myself,” a not very good cook, but Apple fan said.

Queues will certainly be streaming around Apple stores worldwide when the new gadget is released in June.

Apple’s share price rose by 0.02% on the announcement.

MIT Supercomputer Developed to Write Daily Squib Stories

Johnson Smythe
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0
MIT Supercomputer Developed to Write Daily Squib Stories

MIT Professor Miles Ermhearst developed the supercomputer using state-of-the-art materials which took over fifteen years to develop.

“This is definitely not a Commodore 64, we’re talking major calculations that try to emulate the genius of the Squib. The AI is astounding, and we did our research by travelling to the Squib’s office in London to find out if we could replicate the AI. We did not find much intelligence there, but the pub run was great. Never been so drunk in my life.”

The amount of data crunched by the supercomputer is enormous, and unlike Daily Squib writers who usually write ideas on pieces of toilet paper or napkins, this computer does everything digitally without any unsightly stains.

“People don’t appreciate the time and effort it takes to produce a crappy satirical article on the internet. I mean you’ve got to play a game of pool, maybe some Playstation, have a drink then procrastinate for awhile longer. By that time, it’s time to go home and get bladdered with a takeaway curry and some tinnies. It’s a very delicate job. This computer replicates all of these elements and more,” Mr Ermhearst added.

The entire Daily Squib staff were sacked by text today and are now down the local doing what they do best.

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