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NWO: “The More You Fight Global Unity the Closer It Gets”

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“Global unity is a good thing. Unity in every form is a good thing, as opposed to division and conflict. No religion, no war, no division. Humanity must be united as one single globe, economically and culturally. It is a much simpler and efficient process of existence for the human condition,” an unknown NWO officer revealed to the world press yesterday.

To achieve global unity all human systems may need an outer catalyst, as 911 and Pearl Harbour were techniques instrumental in uniting the American people for a limited time, there may have to be some other defining moment in humanity to occur for all humans to join as one.

“Human history and the human psyche itself is predominantly a combative conflict ridden elemental force. One must transcend this human urge of wasteful conflict and channel it towards new levels of peaceful consciousness. Can we control humans to not be combative? Can we stop humans believing in past outdated control systems? Can we transform individuals to act as one cohesive form? These are the questions that need to be asked, because as an individual, the human cannot exist well in a true global network.

“Since 1945, has the United Nations achieved any of its goals? I would say no. This is why, we have superceded them and must step up the plan with precise technical urgency, as global unity must include everything and everyone, eliminating disparity, poverty, conflict and inequality. You are all the same. We will unite you through technology. There will be some who fight, but they cannot win against the power of total global technological superiority,” the mysterious NWO worker added.

Alec Baldwin Trying to Stay Away From Internet

“The internet(s) is going to be so boring without Alec, he makes it so entertaining,” one twitter user tweeted yesterday.

The hot headed Hollywood actor shut his twitter account down for the fifth time last month after another hilarious angry tirade that had many of his fans whooping with joy.

“You ever seen a kettle blow up? That’s probably what he looks like when he’s furiously typing away on the tiny keyboard on his smartphone with the veins on his forehead snapping away about some insignificant nonsense. It would be a joy to watch, hilarious in fact,” another Baldwin fan revealed.

John Lazarus, 23, a prominent tweeter from Kentucky said: “What happens if he gets a fly in his Cheerios? Man, I would love to see that!”

Mr Baldwin was not available for comment, but his PA overheard him saying this from his office after a coffee spillage:

“F*ck, f*ck, f*ck, c*nt motherfu*king f*ckers,

f*cking assh*le, sh*t head, f-u-ck!

Aaaaargh! Aaaaargh! Argh! Huaaargh!”

Commies are Now Bugging Commies

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“Commies are now bugging commies. Now that comes as a surprise,” a man on a desert island said.

Who would have thought it, the Obama administration is collecting data on every communication in the EU.

“They’re bugging everyone else so it stands to reason that Obama’s commie crew are going to bug the EU commie crew. Makes perfect sense,” a surveillance specialist said.

Do bears sh*t in the woods, is the Pope Catholic?

Arnold Schwarzenegger Takes Up Bricklaying Hobby

“I gadda take da brick, you know one brick, then lay it on da uahdda brick, then lay annuda brick! I love it. It is so ex-c-i-t-ing! You seddus u-u-hp! It’s all bullsh*t, all of it! I gadda do all da dirty woirk but it’s wurth it!” the elated former actor, Arnold Schwarzenegger said from his Hollywood Hills mansion.

There are many hours of fun to be had with the new hobby and the Hollywood legend has already built numerous things with his newly found skill.

“I builted vun wa-a-ll here, and annuda wall deyar and I vant to builtedannuda wall deyar!” Arnie said with a big grin.

Ex Bottom of League NHS Surgeon Now Daily Squib Writer

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“You may be an NHS surgeon with a scalpel skill level of a rhinoceros, well all is not lost, you can still get a job at the Squib,” our sub sub sub editor, Jules Malcontent revealed today.

The Squib office is all too eager to employ the NHS butter fingered surgeons who are so bad that the NHS allows them to hide their high death rates.

“When I was working as an NHS surgeon, I was bottom of the league table but at the Daily Squib I’m worth something. It doesn’t matter that I can’t write a coherent sentence and cannot even hold a pen or type. Thank you Squib for employing me,” Dr. Ralph Stabber said from his toilet cubicle desk.

Think Tank: EU Referendum Votes Will Not Count

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“When you have senior Tories like Douglas Hurd, Ken Clarke and Leon Brittan saying the UK should stay in the EU, then you know the hierarchy have already got things stitched up. Add in the variables of a constant media blitz from Britain’s EU masters ordering the UK Press to compile articles espousing the benefits of EU membership, and many of the people are now pro EU. If things turn awry and there is a negative vote, then they will simply either order a recount or make the whole vote up. Such is the power of the EU over Britain and the financial clout that it wields, there will be no choice for the UK. There may never be a referendum anyway because if Labour wins the 2015 election, they will scrap the referendum as it has no legal basis. Even the Royals have accepted the EU, and the euro currency because it will merely mean alignment with their heartland — Germany,” Edmund Spicer, revealed in a recent report.

Further EU agitation of course comes from staunch europhile Cameron, the BBC and naturally Labour.

“Once the EU referendum is stitched up, this is the green light to dump the GBP and bring in the euro currency. By then, Britain would be completely defeated as a nation and the silent Soviet revolution would be complete. Not one shot will be fired for this defeat. It will in fact be hailed as a victory,” another key researcher on the project added.

Ed Balls to Ban All Red Lights When Labour Elected

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“As you all know, I have a slight aversion to red lights. I like to tear through them at high speed on my way home from parliament. That’s why I want to ban red lights. It’s going to be green all the way, especially at crossroad junctions. You can’t say that Labour is not thinking of road users. We want to get Britain moving again,” Mr Balls said from a six car pileup in Westminster today.

The Conservatives were however not so happy about what the Labour Chancellor plans to do if Labour wins the election.

Speaking from his bicycle in Islington, Mayor Boris Johnson said: “Absolute tosh. This Ed Balls chap is one ball short of a hairy sack. What about us cyclists, we’ve been running red lights all the time, now he’s saying that cars can do it too?”

Queen’s New Buckingham Palace Extension Raising Eyebrows

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“One must understand that one has to have one’s room. This is why one has seen fit to extend one’s palace a little especially since one has had a pay rise. Shut up Charles, stop sulking in the corner,” the Queen said at a recent press engagement showing off the new extended buildings.

In addition to a few skyscrapers rising above the original palace building the Queen has even seen fit to add about five helicopter pads and a special room even for Fergie.

“Well, the Queen was feeling a little sorry for Fergie who’s currently homeless, so she built her a room in one of the skyscrapers. It’s far away from the normal royal residence so no one will see her,” a palace spokesman revealed to the BBC.

Keith Richards Says He’s Going to Survive Glastonbury

“If I can stay alive for three more days during the festival and not croak it will be a serious bonus for me,” the frazzled old rocker told the Glasto Times.

Keith Richards is a marvel of medical science and has ingested more drugs than the entire subcontinent of North America.

The Rolling Stone’s personal physician, Doctor Louis Cypher revealed the secrets of the guitar legend’s longevity: “In the mornings we pump his veins with copious amounts of narcotics, we’re talking quantities that could make a herd of elephants drop dead. That gets him out of bed. Then when it’s lunch time he has a full blood transplant where we replace his system with fresh Bourbon. He’s ready to go then.”

No UK ‘Double Dip’ Recession During Great Depression

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“We revised the figures again to show that we actually never had a ‘double dip’ although Britain’s economy is in a Great Depression with millions of people out of work and a drastic fall in household disposable income, as well as savings. In other words, if you’ve got any money in the bank it’s practically worthless,” an ONS statistician revealed today.

The UK’s trade deficit increased by £4.7 billion and one only has to look at the High Street to see how Britain is really doing.

Boarded up shops, dole queues at the local off licence and betting shops tell a different story to the chipper news from the Office of National Statistics.

“It’s great, I’ve got a Masters in Geophysics and I’ve been employed as a road sweeper for the past year since graduation. Life can’t be better,” a recent graduate told the Daily Telegraph.