The amazing photo was acquired by a paparazzi lens from 1.6 miles away perched on a roof top. How this guy got a picture perfect shot like that is something that needs to be addressed.
PLEASE SCROLL DOWN
JUST A LITTLE FURTHER
A BIT MORE
BET YOU’RE EXCITED
GETTING A LITTLE CLOSER
OH KEEP SCROLLING DOWN
YOU MISSED IT SILLY! UP A BIT
NOT LONG NOW
NEARLY THERE PHEW
IT’S COMING UP SHORTLY
SOON YOU WILL SEE IT
CLOSER STILL
AAH HERE IT IS..
OOPS! NOT QUITE YET..
“We gotta real problem on our hands. We’re spending millions of dollars making movies that no one wants to watch. That’s why in desperation we’re looking for some real movie ideas and have sent a team of executives to London, England where they got a newspaper called the Daily Squid, Squib, Squim..er..whatever,” Don Frankenburger, chief honcho for Miramar Studios, told Hollywood Week magazine.
When Hollywood studios are stuck in a vicious circle of remaking remakes of remakes, you know something is seriously wrong in Hollywoodland.
“We need films that engage the audience, less voom voom CGI special effects with zero story. We need characters in a movie that the audience actually sees as viable and cares about. We need subtlety. I know Americans need everything spelled out to them because they have no sense of subtlety but we need surprises — not the obvious shit that is around. We tried 3D but if a movie is crap, it don’t matter if it’s right there in front of your face in your living room, it’s still a crap movie with no plot line, weak characters and template special effects. We need new actors. What’s the point in having twenty new films with the same goddamn actor? All Hollywood films these days are shared between four or five actors, now that’s not only cronyism but darn right boring,” another Hollywood producer who lost $34 million on a recent film flop told CBS Entertainment.
The Daily Squib is readying the special writing room for our Hollywood visitors as we write this right now, just hope they don’t forget to flush after they finish the job.
“We realise they refuse to pay back the money they owe every time we ask so today I have committed the German taxpayers to bail out the Greeks on a yearly basis for the next eighty years. This way the Greeks can keep their way of life and carry on with not paying any taxation or servicing the debt they owe us. This is a required action unfortunately otherwise the EU and euro would be in trouble,” Mr Schauble told German news crews at an impromptu news conference today.
As soon as the news came through about the jackpot deal, people took to the streets all over Greece cheering their German benefactors.
“This is a glorious day. It means I can keep my porsche boxter which I bought purely from the proceeds of EU subsidies. I have never paid an ounce of tax and I enjoy my 75,000 euro salary for cleaning park benches twice a week. I think I’ll be off to the coast for another four month holiday to celebrate,” Nikos Makalarios, 43, told local Greek news stations.
Another Greek said: “It’s not enough. We want more.”
Steve Jobs was Apple, unfortunately his vision died with his biological body and now the much-loved innovative company is sadly floundering with little or no direction. Google has picked up the spear and is now moving forward to innovate towards the Kurzweil engineered singularity.
The boffins at Google may digest whole encyclopaedias of information in an afternoon into their intricately wired and focused brains, but when they came out with the Google Glass they took a further step in the evolutionary jump towards a tech engineered heaven or nightmare.
What Google are doing is symbiotically integrating technology with the biological. This is the next step in human evolution and will revolutionise humanity forever.
In twenty or thirty years time, computers as powerful as your mobile phone now will be the size of tiny cells or atoms and millions of times more powerful, one can only imagine the applications available then, and how they will be integrated into humans.
Consider the fact that computer processing power is expanding exponentially and with such vast speed that soon every synapse and connection in a human brain will be replicated. The future will soon be upon us, and the ability to transfer ones whole conscious mind onto a synthetic brain may conjure up immortality of consciousness for the humans who wish to take the great leap. There are many aspects to transferring human consciousness into a machine that may sound negative, but the possibilities to human enhancement are endless. There will be those who fight it. But they will not be any match for the superior intelligence and nano weaponry of the advanced humans, who will branch off from the biological and embrace technological supremacy. If the new race of humanoids then attain transhumanism, they will most certainly mine the sun of its energy. This is the next step, because this will mean the human spawned race will have reached a type one civilisation, as coined by physicist Michio Kaku.
The positives are all-knowing enhancement, immortality, discovery and unlimited simulated entertainment where whole worlds would be synthetically replicated down to each grain of sand on a beach and every sensation for the avatar. The human biological body is susceptible to disease, genetic defects and ultimately death. By embracing technological self aware machines in the singularity, the advanced humans would be immortal.
The negatives are once you step into total digitization you will relinquish your biological body, as it is no match for the mechanised form. Primary consciousness implementation will probably only be available to the elite controllers. What happens to the rest is a question only answered by the higher levels. It is natural that any new technology of this nature would first be eased into use for the general population over time, first touted as beneficial to humans with degenerative diseases or the severely disabled. It may also be eased in through predictive programming techniques via entertainment and celebrity endorsement. As with any new technological advancement, those who can afford it are usually the very rich or elite hierarchy. There are further questions about privacy as your every thought will be assimilated and transferred into the hive mind and also questions about the holders of this technology. You are at the mercy of the controllers, for as the person can transfer thoughts out, so they can transfer thoughts in. If for example you go against the system in any way, they will probably have the power to simply shut you down or worse still, project thoughts into your mind so you will be in a constant state of torture until they feel you have accepted your condition. Thoughtcrime is already being punished on the internet now on places like Twitter and Facebook. In today’s world, if you break laws they put you in prison or in some countries execute you. Once in the hive mind, your every thought will be controlled, and to this end, your physical body could be slaving away in a mine, but your mind could be induced to feel it is in a heavenly utopia. You will therefore not be conscious of what you are doing.
Philosophically speaking, one must first ask the question, of what it means to be human, as Ray Kurzweil, chief engineer at Google has asked.
By removing the biological part of a human, does this also mean the end of the human soul? Does the future need us?
“We are pleased to announce that Wayne has been given a permanent position at the British Museum. We are thankful for his participation and hope to have a long lasting employer’s relationship with him,” head of the Neolithic collection, Jasper Lampater, revealed today.
According to the press release, Rooney will be part of the caveman exhibit and will be required to just stand there for hours on end, sometimes grunting or dragging his knuckles on the exhibit’s fake rock formations.
Caroline Massey, a regular visitor to the British Museum said: “Golly! This sounds fantastic. Can’t wait to see him headbutt a Japanese tourist who gets too close or lift his leg to pee on a fake tree. I’ve heard that Colleen will join him on certain days, but don’t know where she’ll put all the shopping bags of designer clothes?”
“All you have to do is tick yes or no to a photo of someone you want to shag, then if that person says yes as well, the geographic location data of each person is then transmitted to the users’ phones but not shown directly to the users and the app then chooses a safe meeting point and time. It really is that simple. You cannot write messages or anything else to anyone. After you meet, it is up to you what you do of course,” Anders Jameson, the designer of the app revealed.
There is no ‘maybe’
The new app called ‘Yes/No’ has come under criticism from many conservative and religious groups as they say it promotes promiscuity however the app’s designers say they are merely simplifying and speeding up dating. In these modern times this can’t be a bad thing.
“You can tell pretty much everything from a photo. Also we do not disallow pictures of body parts, because this simply indicates to the other user how fast they are willing to get to intercourse. We have seen a massive interest in this app, and on the first day of launch it was downloaded 40 million times,” Mr Jameson told Tech Zone magazine.
After her own PR people recently rumbled her pseudonym written book because clearly sales were not moving in the right direction, J K Rowling has emphatically denied she is behind anything written in the Daily Squib.
“You muggles really are a bunch of simpletons. Why on earth would I write anything for that awful rag? I only ever wrote stuff for the Daily Prophet! I’ve got a good mind to banish the lot of you to Azkaban. Expelliarmus, and all that,” J K Rowling said from her mansion’s living room whilst swimming knee deep in fifty pound notes.
The Daily Squib editor for our newspaper’s spells section said: “Poor old J K, I actually don’t think she’ll ever get away from the Harry Potter thing. She really needs to go back and start writing some more Potter stuff. It’s the only way forward.”
Gone are the Beefeaters, Tower Bridge and Big Ben which have now been replaced by homeless Roma travellers camped out in every conceivable green space within the capital.
“I think these new postcards are great. They show Park Lane and and the wonderful shot of a Romanian beggar cleaning his feet in a bucket next to Buckingham Palace was a wonderful touch. I’m sure tourists all over the world are going to want to come here more so they can have their pockets and passports pilfered by these shady characters,” Chris Mellors, spokesman for the London Tourist Board told the BBC.
There is further good news for Britain when in 2014, 29 million Romanians and Bulgarians will be given free passes by the EU to come to the UK, and this will provide even more interesting material for tourists who come to the UK on their holidays to send postcards home with.
Most certainly Vladimir Putin knows about that special piece of information that could be rather embarrassing to the U.S. government if it was divulged to the public, this is why Mr Putin has told Snowden he will give him asylum only if he keeps his mouth shut from divulging further leaks. It would probably not be in Russia’s best interest if things were to go awry across the pond.
You don’t have to be a brainbox or security analyst to know what would damage the U.S. more than anything else in the world.
New American Century
“I always like to say, if you want to find out who did something, you have to look at who benefited from an action. Hmmm, now let’s see. Who benefited from 911? Cui bono? The Arabs and Muslims certainly did not benefit, and they were the ones who supposedly committed those atrocities. You see, there it is. Now, let’s go further with this. What would the American people do if they found out who really engineered 911? Personally, I don’t know what the American people would do. All I can say is, some people know and some just choose to carry on still knowing but feel they have too much to lose if they tried to do anything about it. Therefore, they secretly in their hearts accept it,” Dan Innocentu, a man who witnessed the twin towers demolition in 2001 told a radio program today.
Let’s hope that Snowden does not reveal any more information.
“Barack Obama would certainly not be a U.S. President if he was just a regular coloured person in America. He’s only one now because of his lineage and connections. You see life is cheap for African Americans, if they ain’t killing themselves, they’re getting killed by others or being incarcerated in prison. Violence and poverty for African Americans is endemic. When it comes down to it, a black person’s life ain’t worth a white person’s freedom. It just ain’t and never will be. You don’t see blacks rallying when they’re constantly shooting each other, it’s only when they get shot by someone who ain’t black,” Karl Matheson, a race equalities worker told Ebony magazine.
America’s prison population is awash with the African American. Successive U.S. governments just don’t know what to do with them.
“You would have thought since slavery was abolished in 1865 the African Americans would have risen up the social scale just a little, but apart from a few tokens here and there, there are still major distances in the gulf between blacks and whites in America.” social anthropologist, Kathy Denholm told CNN.
The 16th U.S. President, Abraham Lincoln said in an 1858 speech: “I will say then that I am not, nor ever have been in favor of bringing about in anyway the social and political equality of the white and black races – that I am not nor ever have been in favor of making voters or jurors of negroes, nor of qualifying them to hold office, nor to intermarry with white people; and I will say in addition to this that there is a physical difference between the white and black races which I believe will forever forbid the two races living together on terms of social and political equality. And inasmuch as they cannot so live, while they do remain together there must be the position of superior and inferior, and I as much as any other man am in favor of having the superior position assigned to the white race. I say upon this occasion I do not perceive that because the white man is to have the superior position the negro should be denied everything.”
Anyone who studies ancient history or modern history will attest to the fact that the inherent nature of man rarely changes. It does not matter what progressive laws and ideologies pass, and how human societies develop supposed ‘equality’ laws. The inherent nature of humanity always stays the same.
Copyright © Daily Squib 2024.
The Daily Squib is a curious satirical parody newspaper offering breaking news, political satire, comedy, investigative journalism, opinion and celebrity news.
