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Congratulations to Robert Mugabe For Getting 140% of Votes

Mr. Charrington
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Congratulations to Robert Mugabe For Getting 140% of Votes

“We have a saying in my country, he who has the biggest armed mob wins. Oops I did it again. Until the next election eh,” a celebratory Mr Mugabe said from his plush palace situated 34 km from Harare.

Mr Mugabe, who has won every election since his rise to power has set an astounding record of votes gained in this latest election.

“It’s amazing, I knew the astounding results of the election before the votes were even cast,” an indepenent Zanu-PF electoral observer told state controlled news services.

Exclusive First Pictures of Cowell Baby

Mr. Charrington
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Exclusive First Pictures of Cowell Baby

Following the happy news, British X Factor creator Simon, 53, took to Twitter to praise his newly wed socialite wife. “Wow! I just saw my bank balance disappear down the drains,” he wrote. “All that hard work polluting the airwaves and exploiting vulnerable deluded people for huge profits now flushed down the khazi.”

A team of Silverman’s lawyers and accountants attended the wedding two weeks before the birth, and it is understood that Lauren forced Simon to sign her up with her own show as well as marry her, additionally forcing Cowell to foot the bill for the lawyer’s fees for her previous marriage’s husband.

Cowell who was estimated to be worth in excess of $500 million, can now kiss all of that goodbye. Still at least he’s still got those talented X-Factor winners on top of the charts, so no worries there.

 

The baby picture was published in this month’s edition of Hello magazine

“Fracking Hell !”

Mr. Charrington
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“Fracking Hell !”

“All fracking hell is going to break loose up here when the fracking diggers turn up. There will be fracking chaos, the mother fracking riot of the new fracking century,” Tanya Crust, an anti-fracker told the BBC.

The government’s proposals to frack the North with thrusting frack machines is a proposal that is driving some people fracking mad.

“First we get a long fracking drill, move it around a big bushy fracking hole, then thrust the fracker deep in there moving the bulbous fracking head in and out until it goes deeper and deeper. When the fracking rhythm is getting too much, the earth will tremor and there will be a large uncontrollable explosion of spurting frack juice which will shoot out the pulsating frack hole splurging all over the fracking place. Post fracking cigarettes are of course obligatory,” a fracking engineer said at a proposed fracking site.

Some fracking activists are now suggesting a fracking chastity belt to protect the earth from getting a good fracking but that could be a logistical costly fracking nightmare.

George Zimmerman Penning Own Rap Album Produced by Dr. Dre

Mr. Charrington
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George Zimmerman Penning Own Rap Album Produced by Dr. Dre

“This here a’bum gonna be a bess seller. Y’all need to listen we all inda mu’fu**in’ hizzouse,” Dr. Dre said from the plush recording facility at Soulplex studios, deep in the heart of Miami.

Amongst the blunts and chronic smoke, you can hear the voices rapping away like a deuce mofo party plan tech-9 firing off a clip.

Zimmerman comes in: “I’ma say this and I’ma end mine. If you ain’t down for the mall cops here in the United States, period point blank. If you ain’t down for the ones that suffer in neighbourhood watch inda gated communities and shit. Devil you need to step your punk ass to the side and let us brothers and us guardians step in and start puttin some funk in that ass.”

Snoop comes in and slams his head on the deck.

“I got my finger on the trigger so niggaz wonder why But livin in the gated community it’s do-or-die.”

After the session is over, there is a yell and someone says: “Mmm Hmm, triple cheeseburger, some fries and mothafu**in’ couple sodas and shit, and hot apple turnover and all dat old shit nigga Wooo I’m gonna get my munch onnn!!!”

John Prescott Stops Pie Lorry In Middle of Road

Mr. Charrington
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John Prescott Stops Pie Lorry In Middle of Road

The 75-year-old, whose appetite for pork pies is renowned across England, was travelling in one of his Jaguars when witnesses say the car skidded to an abrupt stop in front of a 12-tonne lorry carrying pork pies to a local superstore.

“He had a crazed look in his eyes as he ran towards the truck with spittle streaming from his chomping mouth. I at once thought of a deranged zombie from some god awful film,” a freaked out witness told the BBC.

The scared lorry driver immediately got out of his cab and ran away in terror abandoning his truck and its glorious contents.

Mavis Belridge, 84, was driving her Nissan Micra and witnessed Prescott ransacking the lorry of its contents.

“I had just been to visit the local church fête and was on my way back, when I managed to look over the steering wheel to see a burly man sitting in the middle of the road devouring pork pies like there was no tomorrow. I can still see the look in his eyes, it was awful.”

Many bystanders who witnessed the unholy event have received counselling. Mr Prescott was not available for comment today as he was attending a croquet championship in his own back garden.

Expedition to Discover North East England Announced

Mr. Charrington
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The team of twelve explorers will be kitted out with two months survival rations and will set off from Tory HQ deep in the civilised environs of Central London.

“I’m a bit scared of what I may encounter, it’s something that will be a great challenge to our team. As long as I have my trusty solid oak stick with me then I’ll be safe from any of the wild primitives we may encounter,” MP for Richmond, Lewis Fetherhimes told the Telegraph.

The group expedition will also use a team of sherpas carrying all their supplies, including essentials like caviar and champagne.

“It’s a wasteland up there, full of wild animals roaming and all sorts,” Geoffrey Fortington-Smythe, another member of the expedition team revealed.

The expedition will hopefully map out some of the unknown regions and bring back their findings to London sometime in late September.

Conspiracy Theorist Says He Does Not Believe in His Own Conspiracy Theory

Mr. Charrington
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Conspiracy Theorist Says He Does Not Believe in His Own Conspiracy Theory

“I was just going on and on one day in a coffee shop when it hit me. My conspiracy theory was all bull, not just one bit but all of it,” Mr Blanco revealed.

Amid a lot of soul searching, one theory after another was discounted by Mr. Blanco, until he became enraged prompting him to even throw away his tin-foil hat into a dumpster.

The prominent conspiracy theorist even has his own local radio talk show with tens of listeners.

“I had to go on there and confess. I was a conscientious conspiracy theorist and I was hanging my boots up. It’s okay to question, but my theory was so stupid that even other conspiracy theorists and researchers would shun me,” a distraught Blanco told the local Huntsville Echo.

So what was the theory?

“I, I believed in Hope, I believed in Change. I used to say ‘Yes, We Can!’ and I, I’m so ashamed of myself. I gotta live with myself for voting for THAT theory and believing everything about it. I can’t even mention the name of the person who I stole the original conspiracy theory from. I voted twice. Oh the disgrace.”

After becoming disillusioned by his own false conspiracy theory, Mr. Blanco decided to give reality a go.

Catholics: “This Pope is Creepier than the Last One”

Mr. Charrington
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Catholics: “This Pope is Creepier than the Last One”

As Popes go, Benedict looked creepy but was just a regular papal creep who didn’t do too much, but this new Pope Francis looks creepy and acts creepy. Some may say this is normal behaviour for a Catholic Pope but others are getting really fu**ing creeped out by this guy.

“Pope Francis entered the papacy by kissing and licking the soles of a convict’s dirty foot, he then started spouting ridiculous hypocrisies about people needing to throw away their wealth whilst the Catholic church is itself enormously wealthy, and now he is telling all Catholics to embrace sodomy yet disallow female priests. We all know the priests have been bu**ering each other for years but in the bible it says otherwise,” a confused Catholic revealed to Italian TV station Rai Uno today.

Americans Taking FEMA Camp Holidays This Summer

Mr. Charrington
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Americans Taking FEMA Camp Holidays This Summer

“It’s great, we get one hot bowl of green mush a day and we get to talk to lots of similar holiday makers whilst the guards whip us in the holding cells. We don’t want to leave because the alternative is much worse,” Jon Vechter, a father of four on holiday with his family at Alabama’s premier 4 star FEMA camp revealed.

Camp activities include sitting down, standing and trying to look over the barbed wire fences around the camp. A four week stay at camp FEMA is a breeze at only $20 per person and the forced labour is only an extra $5 surcharge.

Camp commander, Miles Obuhmer, said: “Most Americans are starving and without jobs, so this is a great way for them to hang loose and relax. You get one hot meal a day and some stale bread for dinner, Obamacare is free here so you know you’ll be taken care of by the one doctor serving the whole camp of 45,000 holidaymakers. We wake them at dawn for rock breaking and tilling the dirt. Some liked it so much that we let them stay indefinitely, under the ground.”

FEMA Camp stays have a long waiting list so be sure to book your stay in advance as places are unlimited.

UK Elections Will Be Real EU Referendum Say Experts

Mr. Charrington
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UK Elections Will Be Real EU Referendum Say Experts

“Under the current British electoral ‘first past the post’ system it is very hard for a third party to attain a majority in parliament therefore this is why there is a situation in the United Kingdom where all politics is defined by two stale parties, who have in all senses outlived their effectiveness. Not only is there little choice for the voter with Labour and Conservative politics, but these two supposedly different parties have actually blurred the line as their policies are so similar to each other. The Conservative government of today is essentially a socialist form of conservatism, and the Labour party is predominantly socialist with elements of conservative policy. If you vote for any of the two, you will get a socialist government who will keep Britain in the EU and integrate it further by adopting the single European currency. Prime minister David Cameron is a staunch europhile as is David Miliband of Labour. Now David Cameron has promised an In/Out EU referendum in 2017 if he is elected, but the real referendum will occur in 2015 and the people will be truly tested as to if they want to stay in the EU. By voting for Conservative or Labour, you will effectively seal the UK’s fate, but if you vote for a third party, Britain may still survive. What is the third party? UKIP, is their name and there is only one way they can get into power and that’s by the majority of Labour and Conservative voters voting for UKIP. Could this event ever happen? Probably not, therefore you can kiss the UK and pound sterling goodbye and welcome the euro, as well as full Brussels ownership of Britain,” a Westminster insider revealed.

Trying to get Tory or Labour voters to vote for an alternative option which would save the U.K. from Brussels could be a major problem, one also has to consider the massive influx of EU and Third World citizens into the UK under the previous Labour government. Peter Mandelson himself admitted that Labour utilised an open door immigration policy during their thirteen year reign, purely to garner votes and mess up the cultural identity of the UK. If Labour wins the election, then the so-called EU referendum earmarked for 2017 will be scrapped. If the Conservatives win, then David Cameron will make sure the show referendum will go his way.

2015 will thus be the real referendum, and if the people want to be finally defeated by Brussels, they will vote for their defeat.

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