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Spanish Armada Seen Off British Coast

Pepe Le Poo
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Spanish Armada Seen Off British Coast

“Where’s Sir Francis Drake when you need him? Oh, I forgot most of our navy was decommissioned by Cameron. Oh well,” Queen Elizabeth II said from her throne.

According to King Carlos I of Spain, the Spanish Armada is here because they want their Rock back and they want to depose Queen Elizabeth II for being a protestant who is thus deemed a heretic by the Catholic Spaniards. The newly appointed Argentinian Pope has given the Armada his full blessing.

The Armada Invencible has also been joined by war ships all the way from Argentina who have teamed up with the Spaniards for a fight against the English.

“Avast! You swiving Spanish paella munching degos. We’re going to send out some fire ships to rout your feeble Armada,” an English sailor shouted from the seashore.

Shock as Lab Grown Burgers Contain 99% Horse Meat

Pepe Le Poo
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Shock as Lab Grown Burgers Contain 99% Horse Meat

“We just don’t know how it got there. We made the burger in the lab. There were no horses around, no one visited a Tesco or anything. We’re trying to get to the bottom of this,” senior technician on the project revealed.

The lab grown burger laced with horse meat is a serious setback to the project and important funding for the research lab could be halted as a result of the scandal.

“If I wanted horse meat burgers I would have gone to a supermarket. This burger cost £250,000 to grow in the bloody lab. I’m furious,” one of the volunteers who tasted the burger for a dare told the BBC.

Why Unknown Celebrities Are the Bane of Every Newspaper Reader

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Why Unknown Celebrities Are the Bane of Every Newspaper Reader

“In the 2000s it is actually very hard to know the multitude of so-called celebrities that are foisted everywhere. These are of course not notable people but minor dandruff droppings from the smelly anus of celebrity culture. Nicky Minj, Ally X, G-Squad, Rab Bits and Toni Grahams, like who the f*ck are they?” a confused Daily Mail reader revealed.

Real fame has been diluted to such a low level now that many are saying there is no fame left in the barrel.

“When everybody’s famous, then no one is. Even pre-internet established iconic stars are revealing their minutest life details on Twitter, thus immediately removing any pretence of mystery or fame. If one has an image of an icon and they suddenly reveal that they have a problem with winnets when wiping their arse in the morning, this wonderful insight immediately renders their fame redundant. When every one is on the social networks babbling away, there is no fame any more. I would have to say, the only famous people then are the ones who stay off,” social scientist and researcher at Cambridge University, Dean Halstead, revealed in a recent research paper.

Ryanair Customers to be Mugged at Check-In

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Ryanair Customers to be Mugged at Check-In

Ryanair staff have been told to increase the company’s profits by mugging passengers at the check-in desks prior to boarding their flights.

“We already mug them when they book their flights with excessive charges but we have been ordered to go a step further by mugging the bastards physically by nicking their hand luggage or going into their pockets to steal their gadgets,” Elaine O’Riordan, a Ryanair worker told the BBC.

Passengers have already complained about the muggings, but were simply told to “shut it, or we’ll throw you off the fu**ing plane” by bully Ryanair workers.

Doreen Elsingham, from Watford was travelling to Benidorm on a two week package holiday last week; and when she went to the flight check-in, she was told to hand over her i-pod, i-pad, smartphone and a box of Swiss chocolate she was taking to her 90-year-old grandmother or get a smack in the face.

U.S. Election Between Sarah Palin, Michelle Bachmann and Hillary Clinton to be Settled With Mud Wrestle Contest

Pepe Le Poo
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U.S. Election Between Sarah Palin, Michelle Bachmann and Hillary Clinton to be Settled With Mud Wrestle Contest

“It’s gonna be like the Red Neck Games but with some women who think they can do politics. Personally I can’t wait,” Ricardo Manchurian, a political commentator on Capitol Hill told CNN.

According to election organisers, on the day of the election, a big mud wrestling pit will be constructed directly outside the White House grounds. All the TV networks have already signed up for the 2016 Presidential All Girl Mud Wrestle Fest, and even current president Barack Obama will watch, probably with much amusement, that is if Michelle lets him.

“Dang I can’t wait. I’m gonna get some rotten tomatoes to throw at ’em. I’m rooting for Sarah Palin, she’s a wild one, but y’all gotta watch out for Hillary, a mean mangy player there. Michelle plays dirty too but I heard she gotta good right hook,” wrestling afficianado, Hugo Derringer revealed.

Death By Bongo Bongo

Pepe Le Poo
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Death By Bongo Bongo

“It’s a sad affair really. Godfrey had set off in the morning to search for that elusive Bongo Bongo land he’s been talking so much about. We didn’t hear from him until after dark, so we sent out a search party. What we found was too awful to relate here. Let’s just say there was a still smouldering pot, some bones, a UKIP badge and a bowler hat. That’s all we found,” one of the search party relayed to Channel 4 news.

The police searched the nearby area and all they found were footprints, salt and pepper, cumin, chilli powder and some discarded spears.

Police investigators assume it was a cannibal Bongo Bongo feast and have researched the subject to find that there was a similar event that occurred in 1922, reported by the New York Times, but had an altogether happier ending than the current case they are investigating.

The police are appealing for any witnesses to the incident and any shops that have sold large pots recently. If you have any information please contact the Bongo Bongo police incident room at the Yorkshire Constabulary immediately.

“I Can’t Wait Till Smurfs 6 Comes Out”

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“I Can’t Wait Till Smurfs 6 Comes Out”

“I wonder which location is next for the Smurfs this time? It’s basically the same plot line but in a different location, but I still really want to watch it,” 12-year-old, Daryl from Wisconsin told CBS Entertainment news.

New York movie critic Dwight Animal said: “You think Smurfs 6 will be good, wait until we get to Smurfs 26, now that will be truly amazing.”

The world is waiting in anticipation.

Kim Jong Un Goes Thermo Nuclear

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Kim Jong Un Goes Thermo Nuclear

Speaking on the North Korean state news service (KCNA), Kim Jong Un revealed the truth about the recent surgical operations he has been receiving.

“Comrades, I, myself am now thermo nuclear. I have had two muffugin 500 megaton bombs embedded in my moobs. I will still be your leader, but I warn y’all, if I get angry I may blow. Don’t be tweaking my nips either, those are the damn triggers.”

The North Korean dictator got the idea for the dangerous nuclear mechanical implants after watching a dubbed knock off copy of Iron Man II starring his hero Robert Downey Jr.

Senior North Korean generals however have their doubts about the whole insane situation.

“All it is going to take for the whole frickin mother load to go up is Comrade Kim to shake his moobs in a wild moob shake fest. Then we all go get instantly vapourised. Nigga’s crazy!” General Kim Sung Song told North Korean state news before being shot on the spot for dissent by a special forces unit.

One Direction Boy Now Living On Skid Row

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One Direction Boy Now Living On Skid Row

When Styles was declared bankrupt two months ago, he was left with nothing but the shirt on his back. Unfortunately this is the case with manufactured pop acts like One Direction, where the management and record companies take all the royalties for songs the performers never write.

“It’s the music biz, innit. We were just performing monkeys miming on a stage. I thought I had millions in the bank but when my accountant told me I had $6.50 left after all the recording, video, management, marketing, touring expenses had been taken out I realised I had been taken for a fool. It’s the music biz — a shit business. I’m doing fine here though. I don’t miss anything,” Harry Styles said during a special report.

The former pop star was all too willing to show the reporters where he sleeps under a makeshift cardboard tent and was even filmed smoking his morning crack dose before venturing on another day of collecting empty bottles from trash cans.

Having a French Accent Not Deemed Exciting in France

Pepe Le Poo
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Having a French Accent Not Deemed Exciting in France

“I am frankly not excited by the French accent, and I don’t know what everybody is saying about it being sexiiie, most people here sound like cochons, and not loveurs. Merde, I just stepped in poodle poopé,” Jacqueline Bidet, a Parisian barmaid told a visiting CNN news crew after the poll result had been released.

The surprising poll results compiled by the French Bureau de Statistiques National have surprisingly not surprised the French at all.

“Il n’est pas surprising pour les Francais. Nous just get on avec being Francais..”

 

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