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Wednesday, November 6, 2024
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Short the Euro Now

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Every week we get three or four announcements about how well the eurozone economy is doing, but one only has to look at some very alarming indicators to realise the truth is otherwise.

We of course have our trusty Greek friends who are playing the long game, and their goal is to exit the eurozone with a very big bang holding two fingers up at the technocrats in Frankfurt. One has to first analyse the Mediterranean sensibilities of the Greeks, and of course you will see there has been a veritably large vendetta going on with Germany ever since World War II.

The Italians are in a very sorry state economically and their bursting welfare bills are sucking the life out of their embattled nation. When businessmen are moving whole factories out of the country, you can foresee a terrible frothy whirlpool storm brewing in the Tiber as their bottom heavy burdenous state sucks down the pyramid.

Spain is a dead bull’s carcass which has had its cojones lopped off by Brussels. With over 27% unemployment, they are stranded in a desert of bones waiting patiently for someone or something to crush their skeletal numbskulls and finish the job.

France is a socialist tax nightmare where all business and production has been stifled to the point of no return. The socialists have killed the French economy and it is now barely a shell not even fit for the guillotine.

As the dominoes fall, this will be the EU’s Glasnost, this will be the EU’s Berlin wall falling, and you can be fully prepared to make some sizeable returns by shorting the euro from this point of 1.33 mark. It’s a long way down and it will splutter making horrible noises as it chokes on its own poison.

This unwinding EU rubber band will bring down the banks, so if you have money in those, take it out immediately. Please do not forget what happened in Cyprus. They can take your money at whim after they exhaust every other avenue. When the banking elite want their money, you are there to give it to them and there is nothing you can do about it if you are caught unprepared in the deadly maelstrom.

3D Printed Girlfriend Doesn’t Talk Back

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“She has all the curves in the right place and the necessary parts, and the good thing is she don’t talk back. Say I want to watch the game on TV or go to the pub. Not a bloody whiny word. Not only that she’s cheap to run and does not go through your credit cards buying expensive useless junk or demands anything of you. The best part of it all is, she does not try and change you, and appreciates you even if you’re a chillaxing couch potato with no job. You don’t need to pretend to like her friends. Give her a cookbook and she’ll memorise every dish to cook perfect meals, whilst you relax. She’s going to make a lot of men happy,” Kumiko Akira-San one of the engineers on the project revealed.

The modern day Geisha girl does however amuse her keeper with witty anecdotes and amazing blow jobs.

“I got my 3D printer on Monday, printed my 3D girlfriend on Tuesday, by Wednesday I had already kicked out my real girlfriend — she was no match for this one,” a happy customer told Japanese Tech News.

Anyone can download a template design from the My 3D Girlfriend site which includes numerous realistic designs available and be up and running in a day or so. The remote control comes as standard if you buy the kit.

Women’s groups around the globe were outraged at the premise and have vowed to 3D print the perfect man. Fortunately for them, the Daily Squib male staff were on hand to give a perfect template.

Religious Experts Debunk Science

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“These scientists like to think they know everything and they have theories about things that are not in the Holy book, but I have a question for them they cannot answer. Who created them? God created everything including the stars and the sea, and he did that all in seven days,” Minister for the Kentucky Reform Church told Fox News.

Reverend Arnold Winkum, from the Petersboro Baptist church conclusively debunks science and evolution: “In the Bible it says that Noah put all the animals in two by two. You know like even insects, mosquitoes and crocodiles, elephants, tigers, polar bears and skunks, that was hell of a feat back in the day. Hell, they wouldn’t be able to get half the animals in a boat these days. And lest we forget Jesus, that dude walked on water and could turn water into wine. Scientists can’t fly or cure lepers by simply touching them. C’mon this is ridiculous. I had one scientist tell me the earth was millions of years old. How I laughed, how can the earth be millions of years old if God created it 4,000 years ago in seven days? It’s all in the Bible, maybe they should read it some time.”

Ed Miliband: The Gift That Keeps Giving

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“Here is a nowhere man with no policies, no charisma and a set of Dalek eyes that complement his squeaky nasal voice. He does not command any authority and is half the man his brother is. If it were David Miliband up there, then there would be some cause for concern for the Tories, but Ed is just flailing around in the dark,” Ron McMasters a Westminster commentator told this week’s Channel 4 Dispatches.

Another Westminster insider commented: “As champagne socialists go, poor old Ed Miliband is not one. Perhaps we should call him Moribund, as he subscribes to the school of Michael Foot, except he’s barely a toe even there.”

Let us therefore praise Ed Miliband for taking Labour back to the stone age with his ridiculous Marxist undertones and even more ridiculous vocal delivery.

Voters certainly will not want that thing bleating at them every other day for four years. However much people detest the Tories, they will most probably opt for the lesser of two evils.

Being Pessimistic is Actually Being Optimistic Say Experts

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“Let’s face it, the world today is an extremely cruel and unforgiving place. Make a mistake and everyone in the universe knows about it, no privacy, no second chances and economically there are multiple variables constantly pushing you towards the poor house. Therefore, to be happy and optimistic all the time is actually dangerous to your health, and you will follow your certain doom like a smiling lemming if you carry on being happy. We studied American Obama voters during the elections and analysed their faces. They were being sold hope, and they fell for it hook line and sinker. There is only one human emotion more powerful than fear and that is hope. Because of those people who were projecting their happiness and undying trust on that politician, the Americans are all now in a bigger hole than before. Now instead of being a lemming, if you are negative in your outlook, you can see the dangers and the threats to any situation, therefore you will not fall into the trap of trusting your enemies however much they promise you things and smile at you. This is the positive nature of negativity. All this New Age stuff, or supposed positivity foisted on the public is there to disarm humans. You are not free when they tell you you are happy and should feel happy as long as you follow their doctrines, you are simply putty in the hands of those who exploit your happiness and positive conditioning,” one of the scientists on the project revealed in the New Scientist.

The study showed that people who were overly optimistic all the time were easily conned and could be manipulated to do things for others, of course all the while smiling at their fate.

“True positivity lies in pessimism, because you can see the reality of the situation and do not follow blindly. People who are happy all the time are essentially targets who can easily be erradicated with little effort. They are unarmed, defenceless. There’s nothing funny or humourous with that premise, that you will be used endlessly for being happy go lucky and fun,” another social scientist on the project wrote on the research paper.

What a bunch of miserable bastards eh.

Guardian Journalists Pictured Having Morning Meeting

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Amongst the smouldering remains of a laptop in the corner of the room, it is certainly quite unusual to have had access to the Guardian newspaper’s morning pow wow session but nevertheless they allowed one of our photo journalists into a session.

“I was truly honoured to be welcomed into the Guardian inner sanctum and to view the Graunies hard at work. As for the interns, well, they were truly hard working busy bees as they were ferried around on carts on their daily duties. Each terrorist, ahem, I mean journalist has their own little writing cell not larger than a chicken coop, and of course amongst their possessions I found they all had a crucial piece of equipment, you guessed it, a copy of the latest edition of the Daily Mail, of course purely to use as toilet paper,” our trusty photographer revealed.

Guardian editor, Alan Rusbridger was on hand to explain a few things about working life in the left-wing newspaper.

“Some people say we are Trotskyites, or Brownites, and we fully subscribe to the communist ethos. Well, they’re correct. Therefore it is quite ironic that we would be so up in arms about all this spying malarkey. Remember that under the East German Stasi and Soviet era of Gordon Brown there was a similar element of spying that was going on as is now under the NSA and GCHQ. We should therefore be embracing the mass spying and soviet-style clamping down of freedom of speech under today’s US and UK government. I do confess, we are very confused here at the Guardian. Now please excuse me, I have been called to the courtyard for my daily exercise which involves walking in an enclosed space for 20 minutes while armed guards watch my every move.”

Boycott the Pumps or Suffer the Consequences

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GET BRITAIN MOVING AGAIN BOYCOTT THE PUMPS!

“Petrol will rise by 5p a litre by next week and the Chancellor is most probably planning to bring in large fuel duty increases as more ‘good news’ feeds in regarding the economy. Currently due to the recession, the fuel tax escalator has stalled, but when interest rates rise, so will the fuel duty to even more ridiculous levels. The government raising taxes as well as the added misery of crude oil prices rising daily because of Middle Eastern turmoil will be a major squeeze on peoples’ finances in the not too distant future,” said the Petrol Retailers’ Association.

Filling the petrol tank of a standard car in the UK today costs a minimum of £120 ($186).

Already 75% of the fuel price in the UK is made up of tax revenue for the government. Nowhere in the world is petrol this expensive and the fluctuation of the world’s crude oil prices add to the British motorist’s discontent.

Ever wondered why the petrol price goes up as soon as bad news comes out, but when the crude oil price drops, pump prices still go up? The simple reason for this is that the UK motorist is being shafted with a big stick and their apathy to this fact is why this terrible injustice continues year after year.

YOU can make a difference by not buying petrol any more

Dear readers, pass this on to your friends, your enemies and anyone else who will listen. We can do something, we can make a difference, we can stop the utter madness of Britain’s rip off fuel prices.

Here is what YOU can do:

1. STOP buying petrol. Walk! Ride a bike! Ride a horse! Ride an elephant!

2. Do not buy any more fuel. If every Briton stopped buying petrol, maybe the criminals who are perpetuating the daylight fuel robbery may stop and listen.

3. Petrol? What’s that? Just forget it ever existed. Change your lifestyle, and you shall be set free from the petrol prison.

4. Forget about travelling outside a 50 mile radius of your home.

5. Work from home. Be self sufficient and sever your ties with anything that requires long distance travel.

6. Sell your car. It’s not worth running it or being a cash cow anymore. No more MOT, road tax, insane insurance costs, parking fines, bus lane fines, speeding fines or repairs.

7. You don’t need to drive your car to the shops. Stop buying useless f*cking junk anyway. Only go to the shops for essential items and either walk or ride your bike there.

8. Grow your own food at home to minimise the need to travel to the shops.

9. If you can afford to buy a train ticket at today’s rip off prices by all means do so once in awhile if a long distance journey is essential.

10. Invent a vehicle that runs on anything but petrol. Good luck with that one.

PRINT THIS PAGE OUT AND PUT IT ONTO YOUR FRIDGE OR WALL. REMIND YOURSELF EVERY DAY TO NOT BUY PETROL ANY MORE. REPEAT THIS MESSAGE TO YOURSELF EVERY DAY WHEN YOU WAKE UP. YOU DO NOT NEED PETROL. YOU DO NOT NEED A CAR. YOU DO NOT NEED TO PAY TO TRAVEL. YOU DO NOT NEED TO BE FINED, TAXED AND TRACKED FOR TRAVELLING.

Mexican Food Eaten the Right Way

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Yoga Mexican food is the new craze taking Hollywood by storm. Celebrities like the Kardashians and Alec Baldwin are embracing the Burrito School of Yoga situated in Beverly Hills, where disciples complete complicated yogic exercises whilst eating their bean-laden Mexican food in class.

“Some of the classes can get a tad stinky because people who are eating their burritos or greasy enchiladas break serious wind during the yoga sessions. I’ve seen one woman break wind so hard a piece of sweetcorn got lodged in the ventilation grill at the back of the class. Kind of puts you off a bit,” Russell Brand, a regular at the classes, revealed.

If you are tempted to join a class near you, remember to bring an extra pair of underwear.

Arsenal’s Manager Wenger Buys Shoehorn in Shop

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“This shoehorn is symbolic of my current status as Arsenal manager. They’re going to need a very big one to get me out of this job I’m failing in. Hey, at least I bought a shoehorn, eh, as for good players for the team that’s another matter,” the once great manager said before getting in his chauffeur driven limousine.

Next week, the tight fisted Arsenal manager wants to buy a matchbox, to symbolise the club’s trophy cabinet.

Third Greek Bailout: Germans Like Throwing Money Down a Bottomless Pit

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“The Greeks need a third bailout? Let us just take tonnes of German taxpayers’ money and dump it in the ocean somewhere. That is what the equivalent would be to this terrible situation and ultimate humiliation. We, the German taxpayers, who work damn hard every day, are working for absolutely nothing. Literally billions of euros are repatriated to prop up Greece every few months. Third bailout, fourth bailout, fifth bailout, sixth, seventh, eighth, ninth and tenth bailout ad infinitum. This is not a Greek nightmare but a German one,” Hans Hoffer, a business owner from Hamburg told Der Spiegel.

As the trucks roll out of Germany laden with euros, the Germans will line the streets waving goodbye to their hard work.

“You see that truck, that’s years of my hard work going to Greece so that they can spend it on swimming pools and home extensions. Auf Wiedersehen, we will never see you again,” one of the tearful humiliated Germans lining the route told reporters.