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Lawyers Flock to Scene of 100-Vehicle Pile-up

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Police had to hold back the whiplash lawyers as they converged on the 100-vehicle pile-up in such numbers that twenty two buses were needed to carry them.

“It was mayhem, as soon as I got out of my car, thankfully in one piece, I was immediately accosted by four ambulance chasers telling me that I had broken my neck and I needed to sue,” Samuel Jessop, an accountant from Wiltsenstowe told the BBC.

According to one lawyer, who made great business in the few minutes he was on the crash scene, the plan is to sue the fog for thousands of pounds.

“My law firm made over £36,000 in less than fifteen minutes. I ask you who else can beat such a pay day?” Aaron Malice, a lawyer for Crook and Vice solicitors revealed.

Samsung Watch Also Doubles Up as Microwave, Dishwasher and Washing Machine

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Speaking from Samsung’s headquarters, Lik Mi Sung, the company’s chief executive revealed some of the amazing functions on the watch: “You’ve got so much on here, press this button and you can clean your dishes, press this button and your underpants are cleaned, press this button and you cook some octopus. We have so many features on this thing we can’t even catalogue it all. Hell, we don’t even know how we made it. Maybe someone came down from the starship Enterprise and gave us the instructions.”

The Daily Squib was sent a Samsung watch to test two weeks ago and already it has become a huge hit in the office.

“I simply press this button here and my desk is as clean as a hound’s tooth. As for my mind, that’s a different matter,” one of our writers said.

John McCain Poker Face Not Working Very Well

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“You gotta do better than that,” President Obama joked as John McCain squirmed in his seat gurning like a cs gassed anti-war protester.

The good news is that Mr McCain won the game he was playing on his iphone, the bad news is he missed what was said at the meeting completely.


Syria: Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf Back in Business

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According to reports coming from Damascus, Syria, tyrant Assad has hired the former Iraqi Information Minister to dole out some further punishment to the American infidel dogs.

Who could forget such gems as:

“My feelings – as usual – we will slaughter them all”

“God will roast their stomachs in hell at the hands of Iraqis.”

“We have destroyed 2 tanks, fighter planes, 2 helicopters and their shovels – We have driven them back.”

“We have them surrounded in their tanks”

“I speak better English than this villain Bush”

“We will kill them all……..most of them.”

“When we were making the law, when we were writing the literature and the mathematics the grandfathers of Blair and little Bush were scratching around in caves”

The Great Syrian Sarin Whodunnit Mystery Game

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The aim of the game is to guess who did the gassing, was it grandpa Hizbollah in the study, or how about aunty Qaeda in the pantry, maybe grandma Mossad was the culprit in the bathroom, or how about uncle Sam in the kitchen, don’t forget colonel Asshead in the living room?

The role of each player is to look through all the clues, for example it could have been evidence A,  evidence B or maybe evidence C.

The board game comes with a sarin gas canister so all players have to try and keep their wits about them whilst the deadly nerve agent does its work.

Available from all standing toy stores in Syria this Christmas for free.

New Hopping Craze Taking World by Storm

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“When you hop you use up more calories and not only that you can get to places faster. Why walk across a room when one or two hops will do the trick,” professor Arturo Steinwick from Brooklyn university, the person who started the craze revealed.

The idea behind hopping is that it is a great cardiovascular exercise and strengthens the leg muscles for greater overall health.

Michelle Obama was seen hopping across the White House lawn yesterday and has been a great advocate of hopping.

“I’m still working on Barack, he needs to hop more. He’s all too eager to hop into war situations, but we need to get him hopping in the Oval room too,” the First Lady told CNN.

In Paris, London, Tokyo, Los Angeles, Jeddah, people are hopping to work, hopping on buses and hopping to the shops.

“Oxford Street on a Saturday is a colourful event now with thousands of people hopping. If you look at the crowds from above you can see the mass of people going up and down. It’s wonderful to watch,” Arthur Greening, a business owner on the famously crowded shopping street told the BBC.

There are many hopping combinations people can do, hopping on one leg, two legs, sideways, and even backwards. The key thing to remember is you have to swing your arms during the hop and don’t forget to make a big whooping sound with each hop to work your diaphragm.

Mass Immigration Under Labour Spells End of NHS and Schools

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It is quite ironic that the people who came up with Britain’s welfare state were the ones who destroyed it. During thirteen long years of Labour government they opened the doors to anyone who wanted to come into Britain. Naturally the low quality of immigrants that did come put a massive strain on the nation’s welfare state. The NHS suffered the most, with A&E closures, no beds and overworked staff, as well as lack of essential medicines due to the constant abuse of the system. The schools were forced to shut down as they were inundated with an overcapacity problem and not enough funding to keep them going. The Benefits system was so severely abused by mass immigration and the feckless that it was forced to shut down as well.

What would William Beveridge, the father of Britain’s post-war welfare state, or Clement Attlee have said if they could see the state of the system they engineered? 

The overflowing hospitals and fundless schools were testament to an unfettered immigration policy that had created an altogether intolerable situation on the tiny island they used to call Britain and their eventual shut down never came as a surprise. It was simply not feasible that the incessant immigration tidal wave could continue, but the nefarious EU policy of no borders had dealt a vast blow to the homogeneity of the United Kingdom, where its culture had been fractured to the point of no return.

There was no point in going to a university in Britain because there were simply no jobs for graduates anymore. One only had to see the recent graduates stacking shelves in Morrisons or in the unemployment offices to understand the full gravity of the debacle. In addition, the few taxpayers that were left in the bloated socialist wasteland were being fleeced so heavily that there was no point in working anymore or owning a business. What was the point when so much was taken away from them?

When the riots came, there was nowhere to run, people had just had enough. It was an inevitable occurrence, possibly engineered by the Fabians or some dark Whitehall unit, but when you pile people onto people like rats, they eventually start biting. There was no surprise to the mass disenchantment, but a simple release, similar to breathing out.

Britain had been poisoned from the tainted EU and Labour chalice and as the riots of discontent billowed out of the vomitous hell we had had foisted upon us, there was a fleeting glance back to the thirteen years of Labour government that led to the precipitous downfall of what was once Britain.

Ed Miliband: “Why Would Someone Who Stabbed Own Brother in Back Care About Gassed Syrian Children?”

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“I would only accept the motion of going to war if the agenda suited my own political ends and would aid my election in 2015,” Ed Miliband said to a BBC news crew whilst visibly sneering at a picture of dead Syrian children.

Just as Ed Miliband came to power by sticking a blade into his brother’s kidney, so too is his policy of ignoring the plight of the Syrian people being gassed by whoever it was.

“Does it really matter who gassed the Syrian civilians? They were gassed and died en masse. Whether the perpetrators were Assad’s henchmen, American backed Al Qaida operatives or MOSSAD backed rebels is neither here nor there. We need to get in there and finish that slime bag Assad off so we can then move onto Iran,” an Israeli commander told the Knesset yesterday.

With 24 hour rotations of the pictures depicting dead Syrian children doing the rounds on all channels, something has got to give soon, maybe even the black soulless heart of Ed Miliband may see a glimmer of compassion but that is doubtful, you see if there’s nothing in it for Ed, then there’s nothing in it.

EU to Force Every British Motorist to Install Speed Limiters

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Not Satire

“Is nothing sacred to these EU bureaucratic monsters dictating their silly nonsensical laws on us? If anyone gets in between my accelerator pedal and my foot, they better be wearing a cup,” an angry motorist said from East Anglia.

The new EU speed limiter regulations will come into force soon and there is nothing anyone can do about it apart from not vote Labour or Conservative at the next election.

“That’s the only way we will get rid of the draconian EU Big Brother laws that are taking away our freedoms. Next they’ll be putting electrodes up your arse to give you an electric shock if you are caught speeding in the supermarket. How much is enough? Are you the voter going to take any more of this? Wake up from your X Factor slumber and smell the fu**ing coffee,” another angry Brit road user told the BBC, before being taken off air by the pro EU broadcasting company.

It won’t just be boy racers and Top Gear fans who will be affected but everyone. You try overtaking a lorry on the M25 when the EU speed limiter suddenly cuts in.

“What’s Jeremy Clarkson going to do? He’ll go mad. The best thing for him would be to emigrate to Africa. At least there he can speed on the dust roads with impunity,” a BBC insider revealed.

Government minister Nick de Ponce said: “Don’t worry chaps. With all the EU immigrants coming to the UK, one would be hard pushed to go over 20 MPH on our roads anyway. We’re all like rats in a tiny shoe box now.”

Feinstein Could Fight in Syrian Front Line

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“I’m gonna find them and shoot those muthas down with my machine gun. It’s gonna be like shooting fish in a barrel,” Senator Feinstein told Fox news whilst licking her lips.

The senator has been undergoing special armament training and is so eager to get to Syria that she will pay for the trip herself.

Capitol Hill insiders have also heard that Nancy Pelosi and Eric Holder are interested in fighting in Syria too.

“We need more guns and ammo. I can’t wait to feel the smoking empty shell casings piling up under me as I mow those Syrian ass clowns down,” Senator Feinstein said on Sunday.