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Prescott Signs Up For Free School Lunches

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“When he heard about it on the news he couldn’t stop licking his lips. He was talking about Toad in the Hole, rhubarb with custard and jabbering on about a double portion of gammon steak. He said he’s willing to go back to school for this,” Mr Prescott’s wife revealed today.

Mr Prescott has already bought a school uniform and will be attending Grinchester Primary where he will learn how to read and write.

Janice Muckles, the Head Teacher for the school said he was welcome to come to the school because there was plenty of room for classroom idiots at the back of the class.

“As long as he doesn’t eat any of the children with one of his notorious hunger fits, everything should be okay,” the Head Teacher explained.

57% Americans Believe in Obama, 72% for Blacks, 61% for Women

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The YouGov survey found that 57 percent believe in Obama; 72 percent for African Americans and 61 percent for women. Republicans said Obama exists more than Democrats, 65 percent to 55 percent.

The poll coincides with terrible headlines again filled with disasters, killings and reports that the new Pope Francis is obsessed with President Obama and exorcisms.

At least 42 percent believe people are occasionally possessed by Obama and a full majority, 51 percent, said people can be possessed by the Obama “or some other evil spirit.”

Naturally that leads people to consider exorcism. YouGov found in its survey of 1,000 that 46 percent believe in the power of exorcism, while just 19 percent don’t.

But it is mostly a Christian fear. While eight in 10 Christians believe in Obama, just 25 percent of Muslims and 17 percent of Jews do.

 


FED EMERGENCY: QE 6 and Counting

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“Red light, emergency, DEFCON 12, SOS, Help, Achtung!” U.S. Fed Chairman, Ben Bernanke told Congress today as he hailed yet another round of funny money.

Now is the time for preperations, it seems this is what the powers that be want, because when the QE stops, it would be better for you and your family to be in a shelter far away from anything with plenty of food and water.

“There’s going to be a big reality check when the funny money printing ends. Hyperinflation that will render all commodities out of reach for the ordinary American. Already, a sizeable portion of the American public are on food stamps and in poverty; what happens when funding for welfare dries up as well? The U.S. is in serious financial difficulty here with notional off-balance-sheet commitments of $70 trillion as of 2012, and artificially printing money is only making things worse, besides who gets the QE money? You and I don’t that’s for sure, it’s the bankers and financial industry that gets the money. The ordinary person doesn’t even get a look in, small businesses get nothing, schools get nothing and the everyday worker gets nothing. Quantitative Easing will lead to your loaf of bread skyrocketing to $150. How about filling your Escalade’s gas tank with $1800 worth of gas? Do you know what I’m saying here? This is bad shit man. We goin’ down folks. This ain’t gonna end pretty. No food to eat, no help, nothing,” a former small business owner, now unemployed told Fox news.

Now you can see why Homeland Security have been buying up all those hollow-point bullets.

Man Makes Friends In Real World

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“I looked at the people I met today with my own eyes and I spoke to them with my voice. It was a wonderful feeling. I actually could look at them, I sat down in a chair and spoke about things that I would never speak about on social networking sites. I could see body language, I could smell them, and I could hear what they said with my own ears. We then agreed to meet again for a drink some time in the future. I then did something truly amazing, I picked up a telephone with some old numbers I had discarded a long time ago. I phoned up these people and spoke to them on the telephone. Oh the joy of it. I could hear what they said and there were no LOLs or ROFLMAOs. I was not for one second forced to look at someone’s baby pictures or their latest holiday snaps in the Bahamas. I did not have to worry about an ex-girlfriend breathing down my neck, or my boss listening to my conversation. I am truly awe struck by this new concept of reality,” the man revealed to the BBC.

As millions of people are empowering themselves to drop the social networking control system, the shackles of permanent surveillance are being immediately lifted and freedom is beckoning these poor enslaved individuals.

“I had 3,500 ‘friends’ on social media. I didn’t know one single person there. It is a very lonely place, because one has to conform to every one else’s ideals and speech patterns. Not only that, my words and images were tracked and used against me by companies and governments. If you make a social mistake it lives on the internet forever, there is no privacy, you only have one chance to do things so the pressure was immense. No wonder thousands of teenagers are taking their lives, they can’t live with themselves after having their mistakes posted all over the place. It shouldn’t have to be like that as all humans growing up make mistakes. It is all part of the growing up process, but on social media it can be a fatal error, and if you’re a vulnerable teen, then things can get bad. Let’s just say when I left Facebook, I was so relieved it was like a big weight off my shoulders,” teenager, Angela Brinksworth, revealed to the Daily Mail.

You too can make the big jump from social media enslavement, just follow these two very simple steps.

1) Walk into any public place in the world and look around. Listen to the voices of people, this is the real world. You can connect with people in a meaningful way in reality. You must then go home and switch on your computer and go onto the next step.

2) Delete your social surveillance account and all the information in it. If you have genuine friends on there, meet them in person or telephone them. Pat yourself on the back for your bravery, you have averted perpetual slavery and you are now free.

Obama: No More Guns For You Guys

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“I hereby warrant the 28th Amendment which will overrule the United States 2nd amendment right to bear arms. Too many shootings, too many lives lost. Think of the children. I think it’s about time folks gave up their arms so that we the State can be the only ones with them, and don’t forget the criminals too. Just a slight oversight on that point,” President Obama said from a Washington gun shop today.

News of more deaths from the latest mass shooting immediately brought calls for complete gun control of ordinary Americans.

Senator Feinstein, a staunch anti-gun advocate from the Democrat party immediately stepped in and told reporters: “Mr and Mrs America. We’re going to take your guns. Time’s up, leave them at the door on your way out. When the ATF comes to your homes, just stand aside and comply to their orders. You’ve got two choices, give ’em up or get shot trying to uphold the now defunct 2nd amendment.”

The Obama 28th Amendment will come into law by next Thursday and it simply states that the 2nd Amendment was a big lie.

Al Gore Expedition to North Pole Delayed By Ice

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“In 2007 I predicted that the ice in the North Pole would completely melt by 2013. Well, our expedition has come up against huge walls of new ice growth in the Antarctic and we can’t go ahead because there’s so much frickin’ ice everywhere,” a baffled Mr Gore told local news stations in Alaska where his team has retreated.

Mr Gore’s 2007 film ‘An Inconvenient Truth’ in which he peddled a much hailed green agenda has sadly not come true, however at least he made over $45 million from the film.

“It’s like my mansion in Nashville. I use up more electricity in one day in that place than a regular American uses up in one year. But I want to tell you, it’s for the good of the planet. I’m researching ideas about global warming so that I can make even more money from you suckers. Jeez, it’s freezing in here, Andre get me a blanket, it must be that global warming again.”

Let’s hope the ice caps melt soon so that Mr Gore can be vindicated.

New Device Shows How Many Social Media Likes You Have On Forehead

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“You strap this holographic display device onto your forehead and when you walk the streets, it will display how many likes and social media friends you have. It’s equivalent to a peacock ruffling their feathers, and if you come across someone who is unpopular, i.e. less than 300 friends, it alerts you with an audible beeping sound telling you to steer clear of them. If you meet someone on the street that you know on social media it plays gentle music and chirps excitedly. If you’ve got someone on your blacklist close by, it warns you when you are within 15 feet of them. We think it’s going to be a real hit,” Josh Weinzucker the CEO and brainchild of the startup told Tech Now magazine.

The new social media forehead device promises to bring social media into the real world and not just stuck in a smartphone or tablet.

“We don’t want people stuck in the box. Our social media displays can be seen from 500m away and glow brightly at night. In a few months after release we anticipate millions of people walking the streets with these wonderful contraptions strapped to their heads,” chief programmer, Ted Gantz, told CNN.

The device called the iLike will be released worldwide in January 2014.

Obama Sending Miley Cyrus to Syria to Clean Up Chemical Weapons

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“We heard she’s got a tongue that can lick anything up. President Obamo called me on the phone and told me to get Cyrus over to Assad land and lick all that chemical stuff up so that he can’t gas his people anymore,” Pentagon official, Donald Sarynne told CNN.

During Cyrus’s trip she will be tailed by MTV who plan on making a reality show series.

Many people have been cheered by the good news and expressed their delight that Cyrus will be busy elsewhere.

“Hopefully we won’t hear from her for awhile, she’ll be licking all those chemicals up. It’s gonna take her years, and years.” Brad Laputo, a long suffering American TV watcher revealed on Saturday.

As for John Kerry, he showed his approval of the project when his toupee twitched, then flipped on his bald spot and landed back on his head, all on live TV of course.

Paid Plastic Bags Come With 14 Day Money Back Guarantee

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Deputy Prime Minister, Nick Clegg announced earlier on in the week that all plastic bags in UK shops will have a 5p surcharge, but what he did not tell you is that under EU consumer laws, the purchaser is entitled to a full refund if they bring an item back within 14 days of purchase.

“I can see a lot of people queueing at their local supermarket with trolleys full of plastic bags. I’m sure it is going to add another delightful element to the horror of the supermarket shopping trip,” an angry consumer revealed to the Times.

One gentleman from Yorkshire said: “It’s a good earner for me, I can top up my measly pension. My house is literally full of the things. At least the EU got something right for a change.”

Poor People Could Be Sterilised Say Ministers

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Iain Duncan Smith, the head of the Department of Work and Pensions is said to be adopting the initial plan drawn up by eugenicist William Beveridge who invented the benefits system in the 1940s. Lord Beveridge, at the time however did not implement the sterilisation programs he thought of but under Prime Minister Clement Attlee a softer approach was utilised. In the 21st century, society has changed and the Malthusian nightmare of over population is threatening nation states all over the world.

“Sir William Beveridge was a keen eugenicist and we’re simply going to implement his original plans for benefit recipients. It is no use for these ‘useless eaters’ to procreate or increase their numbers when they actually have no role in society apart from their parasitical taxpayer funded lifestyles. If you wish to receive benefits, then you must submit to the chop. We don’t want you breeding anymore as you are blighting the nation with yourselves and your feral children,” a member of the DWP revealed to the House of Commons gazette yesterday.

Michael Gove, the Education Secretary also holds the same views about poor people, and would also like a fast track sterilisation program introduced soon. The proposed programs would save trillions from the government budget, and thus safeguard future generations for a sustainable future.

In India, the sterilisation program is working wonders and the British government is watching with eager eyes. In America, there are also plans afoot for the Obamacare future, wherein those on welfare will be given the ultimate choice, on whether to continue receiving their benefits or not. In a society where there are not enough jobs to go around, and the majority of people are not qualified to be employed, there may be major problems.

“Instead of buying 3D TVs, these people, if one should call them that, should put their efforts into educating themselves and feeding their families instead of spending taxpayer money on booze, TVs and fags. It is these poor life choices and mismanagement of money which hinder their progress. I wholly agree with IDS on his stance on sterilisation. One must not stop at the feckless either, how about the immigrants who come here and take from our benefits system? If you wish to come to the UK, you should be sterilised at the port of entry. We can set up hospitals and surgeries for this. When 80% of Romania comes over in 2014, they will all be sterilised at the border,” Julie Ann Smothers, a key Whitehall policy researcher revealed to the BBC on Friday.