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Jesus to Land On Earth Tomorrow at 06.15 (UTC)

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Pastor Reb Butler for the Baptist Episcopal Jesus Mission in Selena Heights, Wisconsin, situated 13 km from Milwaukee is preparing his flock right now for the Jesus landing tomorrow.

Thousands of Christians are flying to Jerusalem, Israel to witness the amazing miracle.

“We are very well prepared and have all brought our own horns to hail his re-entry into the earth’s atmosphere. Jesus will come into the atmosphere at an angle of 40 degrees at a supersonic speed of approximately 17,000 miles per hour. We estimate his landing point as Golgotha, Jerusalem, as foretold in the Scriptures; the place where he was crucified by the Romans over 2000 years ago.

“After he lands, he will break bread with his followers and then the land of men will be complete once again. He may even start walking across a pond or two. He could be used in sea rescue operations or as an envoy of God to starving Africa. Imagine feeding 230 million starving Africans with one slice of bread. As for the wine industry, that will be bankrupted when Jesus sets foot back on earth because he will just change jugs of water into the finest Beaujolais vintage ever tasted.”

It is not certain if Jesus will fly into the earth’s atmosphere head or feet first? Some Biblical scholars are also not sure if he will be able to converse with the American Christian flock who come to see him arrive.

Episcopal church scholar, Father Dwaine S. Hammatam, is certain the Son of God will speak Aramaic to his flock.

“Jesus will speak in the Aramaic language but because he is the risen Son of God, his words will be understood by Americans because he will use special Godlike telepathic powers to make us understand. So we will hear his words in Aramaic, but understand those words as if spoken by some guy in Reno, Nevada.”

Obama to Republicans: “If You’re Not With Me You’re a Terrorist?”

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“I think Republicans are the new Muslims. George W. Bush succeeded in demonising them for years so I want to do the same with the Republicans. Either you’re with us or you’re with the terrorists. Obamacare is the right way and you’re a terrorist if you disagree with it,” President Obama commented in the White House’s Rose garden yesterday.

As civil war threatens to engulf Capitol Hill, there are Republican senators conducting 16 hour speeches to try and stop Obamacare.

“You can talk all you want but it only amounts to terrorism. So what if America is bankrupted because of Obamacare. At least the poor were finally treated for their ailments,” the President added.

New Tech Company Banana Threatens Apple With Amazing Future Sales

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Tech writer Giles Geblome, for Tech Wire magazine is scared for Apple: “When I saw Banana I immediately thought about Apple. Banana’s innovative products are so much more streamlined, efficient and tactile. Apple may have met its nemesis in Banana. Banana has truly rocked Apple to the core.”

Some of Banana’s products are so innovative that many tech people cannot get their minds around how they work.

“I think Banana is the future. Apple not so much anymore. If Steve Jobs was alive today, he would look at Banana and say, ‘How do I peel it?’ I know for certain Steve liked to take things and make ’em his own, just like every artist does,” Geblome added.

Banana is to officially release their products in January 2014 on New Year’s Day so better start queuing now.

NSA Operative Bugged Own Grandmother

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“I just had to do it. I felt compelled to find out if she was baking the right kind of cakes. I also found out that the old bag does not intend to leave me anything in her will when she croaks. That’s why I just set the IRS on her,” the anonymous operative confessed to CNN.

According to reports about the spying, there is so much information now in the NSA databases that only one percent is readable.

“We spied on so many people that it would take literally five million years to read all the data. We just don’t have the staff for that,” NSA head, Dwight D. Salinger recently told a Congressional hearing in Washington.

Sugar Will Have His Pound of English Flesh

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Don’t mess with Lord Sugar is the message being put out here and today he had some choice words to say about Ms English’s precipitous fall.

“I will buy with you, sell with you, talk with you, walk with you, and so following; but I will not eat with you, drink with you, nor pray with you. Now if you don’t mind, I want my pound of flesh from English by next Tuesday.”

Alas the English rose hath been tarnished by the bitter after taste of Sugar.

Godfrey Bloom to Retire to Bongo Bongo Land

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Addressing waiting reporters outside his new home in Bongo Bongo Land, Mr Godfrey Bloom said: “I have felt for some time now that the UK and UKIP was not really right for me any more, I wanted to pursue my dream of retiring somewhere away from all of that. I was up all night one night looking at a map of the world and I thought to myself I must finally find Bongo Bongo Land. I immediately sold up and Muriel and I, my pet parrot, went on a long journey to discover the land of Bongo. It is truly a land of riches beyond any man’s wildest dreams.”

UKIP sources today said Mr Bloom’s retirement in Bongo Bongo Land was a great loss to the party and wished him all the best for the future. Mr Farage told the BBC: “I even lent him my spear.”

Gordon Brown is Actually a Very Nice Person

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“None of it is true. I’m actually a very nice person, gentle as a kitten, here watch this,” Mr Gordon Brown then thumps his fist down on a well leafed copy of Andy McBride’s book resulting in a massive dent on the cover.

Interviewed by the BBC, he smiled awkwardly then proceeded to strangle someone off camera because they looked at him all funny.

“I never knew what Damien McBride was doing, and neither did Balls. How could we know these things when he was in the same room as us when we ordered him to surgically liquidate members of our own party and other political rivals? This is totally preposterous and uncalled for, here have a sweetie you stinking fascist journalist pig.”

How’s That Socialism Going America?

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With the soviet ideals of political correctness, Obamacare, mass surveillance, and utter public funds wastage that Obama has endorsed, America is nearly unrecognisable now as a nation from its past incarnation.

“What socialism does is it destroys vast swathes of a nation, it ruins the economy and increases welfare dependence. The role of socialism is to get as many people on welfare as possible in the shortest time possible. This method of governance will ensure a guaranteed voter base for the next elections as people who are dependent on welfare are forced to vote for the socialist party in order to keep their benefits. It has been going on in Britain for many years, and is the key electoral strategy for the Labour party. Obama used the same strategy to get voted in a second time, and after his tenure ends, another socialist government will come in in America. This is also why they are appealing to illegal immigrants in America to be recognised and given an amnesty, purely for electoral reasons. These are easy votes for them, as they let in as many people as they possibly can. Each one of those people is a vote for the Democrat party,” Andrew McConnell, a Republican party worker told the Capitol Hill Herald.

As anyone who has lived under the spectre of socialism, the crux of the system lies in using other peoples money, the only problem with that is it eventually runs out. What then? One only has to see what happened to the UK after thirteen horrendous years of Labour rule. They bankrupted the country with tin pot socialist, cronyistic spending sprees, much like Obama is doing now in the good ol’ USA. They sold Britain’s gold reserves at the bottom of the market, they squandered every last penny of taxpayers money and let in so many unskilled immigrants from the Third World and former Soviet bloc that the country is now unrecognisable.

“Obama has murdered America from within. It was a hatchet job, a piece of seething revenge on what Americans had built up with their hard work over centuries. Obama’s legacy will be remembered by generations of Americans to come, as the one that took the USA into the dustbin of history, economically as well as culturally. What he has achieved is more destruction than a million Al Qaeda attacks, and unfortunately for the rest of the world, they will suffer as well because of America’s major importance. When they cannot pay their policemen, pay their teachers or even pay their street cleaners, then what will happen to the Land of the Free? He was a man that could have healed the nation, instead he drove it into the stinking mud of shameful defeat,” a previous Obama supporter told CBS news before being cut off.

When Obama came into office he immediately sent away the bust of Winston Churchill from the Oval Room for a very good reason, because it stood for everything he does not stand for. Freedom.

Catwalk Model Snaps at New York Fashion Week

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“She was walking up the runway when I heard a loud snap sound, you know like a twig breaking. Then I saw her, she made a mess on my new collection. I can’t believe she did this,” Arturro Avantee, designer of the 2013 collection revealed to Fashionista magazine.

Ambulances were called but it was too late for the model, whose name was withheld for privacy reasons.

There are calls for fashion models to have metal splints put on their legs and spines to stop them snapping in the future.

“We gotta check the models to see if they are ‘snappers’. I gave one a piece of lettuce before the show and she ate the edge of it. If we feed them more then this would not happen again, Slav Labor, a fashion assistant at the show told CNN.

One witness was still in shock: “She was just trudging by me when she literally snapped in half. I mean her top half was suddenly by her feet. Someone came over with a little trolley, scooped her up, then the Fashion Week show carried on as normal. No one else even batted an eyelid.”

Don’t Work So Hard It’s Counter Productive Say Experts

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It is the common belief that hard work is a necessity in life but a team of experts are now saying the contrary is true. Hard work is extremely harmful to one’s sensibilities and in the modern world people need to stop working hard and relax more.

“Doing nothing is a great achievement in itself and will fulfill your life’s purpose with enormous rewards. Please do not adhere to the constant propaganda that you must work hard. Discard it and enjoy yourself instead. Laziness in the modern age should be celebrated as the technical side of things have already been taken care of,” Graham Labotomy, a key member of the research project told the BBC.

In the report it states that man should deem leisure activities as infinitely more important than hard work and also revealed how too many people working hard in the world just cause more problems.

“Simply put, there are too many people working hard. That’s a very bad thing because they’re doing things that they do not need to do. Laziness is the true standard and governments across the world need to promote that instead of work. Laziness is a more productive force, because lazy people find ways to do things in an easier more efficient fashion.”