Thanks to Labour killing off the UK’s farms, there will now be major food shortages across the country, so how do you feed your family? It won’t be easy, but you can build a fully functioning farm in your garden. With the way things are going, the advice you read here may come in very useful in the near future.

Turning your British back garden into a fully functioning farm might sound like a pipe dream, but with careful planning and a sprinkle of creativity, it’s a surprisingly achievable goal. Whether you want fresh eggs, homemade bread, or crisp veggies straight from the soil, this guide will help you create a miniature farm that optimises your space while staying sustainable.

The Livestock Dilemma: Chickens, Sheep, and Maybe a Mini Cow?

Let’s start with the animals. Chickens are the easiest livestock to keep in a small garden. A coop with a secure run can house a few hens, providing you with fresh eggs daily. They’re relatively low-maintenance and even help by eating kitchen scraps and producing nitrogen-rich manure for compost.

Sheep might seem ambitious, but some smaller breeds, like Shetland or Ouessant sheep, can thrive in compact spaces. You’ll need to dedicate a decent chunk of your garden to grazing and ensure proper fencing. They can provide wool for crafting and keep your lawn neatly trimmed, though you might struggle to rear them for meat or dairy in a very small space.

A cow may seem impossible, but consider miniature breeds like Dexter cattle. Even these, however, require significantly more space than most British back gardens can offer. Consider turning your living room into a barn. This is easy, all you have to do is chuck all your furniture out into a skip or give it away, then buy a load of straw, and you’re good to go. Don’t forget, you’re going to need a large shovel and wheelbarrow to shovel the cow manure every day to your compost heap. For milking, all you need is a bucket and stool.

Growing Your Own Vegetables and Fruits

Vegetables are the backbone of any back garden farm. Raised beds are ideal for maximising space. You can grow root vegetables like carrots and parsnips, leafy greens like kale and spinach, and classic staples like tomatoes and courgettes. Rotation is key—move crops around each year to maintain soil fertility.

For fruits, dwarf apple and pear trees are perfect for small spaces, and berries like strawberries, raspberries, and blackberries can be trained on trellises or grown in pots. The key is to pick hardy, high-yielding varieties that thrive in the shitty British climate.

Wheat and Milling: From Seed to Loaf

Growing wheat might sound far-fetched, but even a modest patch can yield enough grain for occasional baking. Winter wheat varieties are well-suited to the British weather, and you’ll need to sow them in autumn. Harvesting and threshing can be done by hand, though it’s a labour-intensive process. Get the neighbours around to help, promising them a loaf or two, or you can entice them with homemade beer.

Investing in a small, manual grain mill allows you to turn your wheat into flour. You won’t produce enough to entirely replace previously shop-bought flour, but there won’t be any in the shops or farms anymore so anything is better than nothing. Pat yourself on the back and enjoy the odd loaf produced all on your urban farm in your garden.

Planning and Sustainability

The key to success is working with your garden’s natural layout. Divide the space into zones: one for livestock, one for crops, and another for relaxation (you deserve it!). Compost bins are essential for turning animal manure and vegetable waste into rich soil. Rainwater harvesting and small polytunnels can help extend the growing season and reduce water bills.

Balancing everything is challenging, and you’ll likely face setbacks—a fox stealing a chicken, or a failed crop. Building your own farm in your garden is a possibility. Start small and scale up as you gain confidence. Before you know it, you’ll have a thriving micro-farm in your back garden that’ll make you the envy of the neighbourhood, plus you won’t be fucking starving…innit.