17.7 C
London
Tuesday, October 22, 2024
secret satire society
Home Blog Page 41

Kanye West Has Teeth REMOVED and Replaced With $2.95 TIN FOIL Dentures

  • Kanye West, 46, proudly flashed his pointy new smile in an Instagram post – in which he likened himself to iconic James Bond villain, Jaws
  • In an exclusive photo obtained by DailySquib.co.uk, West’s lavish new dentures – which a source revealed are ‘Just about more expensive than used toilet paper’ – were shown
  • The implant is a new surgical model and is unique to the autotune talker – with the total cost rumoured to be an eye-watering $2.95

Kanye West has had all his teeth removed and replaced with aluminium tin foil dentures in his latest shock move.

The autotune pop star, 46, who is being sued for millions of dollars for allegedly hitting an autograph seeker in 2022, proudly flashed his pointy new smile in an Instagram post – in which he likened himself to iconic James Bond villain, Jaws, who appeared in The Spy Who Loved Me and Moonraker.

In an exclusive photo obtained by DailySquib.co.uk, Kanye West’s lavish new dentures – which a source revealed are ‘more expensive than Walmart tin foil’ and were designed by the star himself – were shown.

The implant is a new surgical model developed in the back alleys of Los Angeles’ Skid Row and Beverly Hills. It is unique to the autotune pop mimer – with the total cost rumoured to be an eye-watering $2.95.

The pop star’s new dentures were fitted by Rufus D. Johnsons, a homeless physician of great repute in a Beverly Hills back alley alongside Naoki Tsuki Tsuki, Master Dental Technician.

“He [Kanye West] came into my office, which is the back alley way behind Mosher’s Jewellery shop. Kanye said he wanted a new look with teeth implants, so he told me to lose his teeth. I obliged for the $5 fee. Bubba Stax, my assistant tooth extractor, smashed Kanye hard in the mouth, and he spat his teeth out on the ground ‘n’ shit. Naumsayin?”

Rufus D. Johnsons told DailySquib.co.uk: “Ye was a muhfuggin’ pleasure to work with every step of the process ‘n’ shiet. Dat nigga’s vision for designing unique art transcendifies the dental artist progressions and shiiiet!. The marriage of his fucked up vision wit back alley dental science has created a new look that is epic on Skid Row! Who need real teeth anyway mos’ deez muhfuggas out here lose ’em in da first week on da street, naumsayin?”

“The process wuz easy ‘n’ shiiet! First we gave him an anaesthetic yep, Bubba knocked him the fuck out (shouts ‘World star!’) then I gots me a drill so I drill some holes inda nigga’s mouth but the muhfugga wake up! So, I whack him on the head one mo’ time wit a iron bar ‘n’ he out cold dis tahm. I axe muh technician to find me sum used matchsticks so we hammer those in da holes and wrap dem wit’ sum tin foil we stole from a crack addict. Kanye wuz good to go right there! We woke him with a splash of some fluid inna bucket we stole frum one of da tents along Skid Row, brother woke up and when he look in da broken mirror he cried wit joy! Best five bucks I evah spended said the Ye,” Rufus added proudly.

In 2022 Kanye West lost over $4 billion in endorsements and sponsorships when he was dropped by Adidas, Gap and Balenciaga after he went on a series of anti-Semitic rants.

It was recently revealed he owes more than $1 million in unpaid taxes.

Kanye’s much touted clothing firm, Yeezy Apparel, LLC, has had four active tax liens filed against it over the last three years for unpaid business taxes totalling $934,033.56.

Records show he owes an additional $101,093 in property taxes on two homes he owned with his ex-wife.

The total tax bill comes to $1,035,126.56.

The autotune pop star said that he is not bothered about tax and claims the IRS and U.S.government should be paying him because he is so ‘smart‘ and ‘talented’.

Think Tank: Illegal Economic Migrants Could be Cryogenically Frozen

The deluge of hordes of illegal economic migrants seeking to enter the UK could be solved very easily by cryogenically freezing them in a form of frozen stasis, an independent think tank has revealed.

“It would solve the problem of housing and funding millions of burdensome illegal economic migrants who enter the UK every year. The migrants would be frozen half an hour after they come off the boats, and the frozen bodies would then be shipped to multiple underground facilities in secret locations.

“The cost of maintaining a single illegal migrant per annum would be very low because wind and electrical energy created from the bodies would power the cryogenic ports within each facility.

“The illegal economic migrants would be in a safe place and would benefit from a long life,” Ed Sporical, the think tank’s operations director, revealed.

The new technology developed by Silicon Tech Starr, a Texan company, is totally safe to use and could revolutionise the way governments deal with illegal migrants and even be used in prisons. The subject is simply put into an induced coma and their bodies frozen in specialised capsules. Throughout their lives they are fed essential minerals and vitamins through a tube and a mind inducer integrated neurally keeps them entertained with a live daytime TV feed from the BBC and Channel 5.

REVEALED: Reason Meghan Markle Wanted to See Queen on Deathbed

There were claims by some royal experts that Meghan Markle trademarked the late Queen Elizabeth II’s beloved nickname ‘Lilibet’ without the Queen’s permission before her daughter was born, and also a royal correspondent has revealed why Markle was so eager to see the dying queen on her deathbed.

Queen Elizabeth was reportedly furious about Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s decision to name their daughter after her intimate family nickname.

Stolen

The late monarch was so upset by the Sussexes’ decision that she told aides: “I don’t own the palaces. I don’t own the paintings, the only thing I own is my name. And now they’ve taken that.”

Photography

Royal expert Dunhill Malory revealed that Meghan Markle was desperate to be invited to Balmoral to see the queen on her deathbed because she wanted to take pictures to sell to some sleazy American celebrity show.

“I need to see the fucking queen asap. Can you imagine how much the selfies of me with her on her deathbed will get?” an excited Meghan shouted down the phone at the airport, according to a baggage handler working his shift.

She was then later seen slapping her husband Harry on his bald patch and shouting at him to “get it sorted, or you’re motherfuckin’ out! I will take the kids and everything.”

Witnesses say they saw Prince Harry bow down on the ground, grovelling like a naughty dog, before the couple entered the private jet.

It was later revealed that Meghan Markle was thankfully denied access to the late queen by Charles and the queen herself, despite Harry’s furious attempts to include her.

Tories Now Want to Send Illegal Migrants to Moon

Unelected Tory PM Rishi Sunak who tried to send illegal boat migrants to African country Rwanda but failed after the EU’s ECHR stopped him, is now planning to send each migrant to the moon. Every time the limp government tries to do something about the illegal boat crossings across the Channel from France, they are stopped by courts outside the UK. Brexit means nothing, so the moon is the government’s last gasp.

The failed Rwanda scheme cost taxpayers over £450 million, and not one single migrant was sent there. The new moon scheme will cost the UK taxpayer over £30 trillion and will still not deter migrants crossing the Channel in rubber dinghies.

Speaking about his new plan today in parliament, Sunak revealed that each rocket to the moon will only be able to house three illegal migrants. With a migrant backlog of 850,000 it may take some time to send each migrant to the moon.

Before any migrants are sent to the lunar landscape, a migrant holding centre will have to be built and there are talks that Elon Musk will be asked to help.

The illegal migrants will be held on the moon base indefinitely.

“Did I mention there is an election coming in November?” a jubilant Sunak quipped in the House of Commons to jeers from MPs on both sides.

Cost of Living Crisis – Surprise! Inflation Up Again

The floundering Conservative government under the unelected autocrat Sunak is in the mire already, and to add to the shit box, inflation has risen again in December. This is after promises from Sunak and his Scrooge Chancellor that inflation would be reduced to 2% last year.

With claims that inflation fell recently, no one who is not an out-of-touch politician ever believed that baloney. Go to any shop and try to buy some food, and you will be shocked at the outrageous prices.

You can’t buy a fucking apple for less than £3.80 ($4.30) in London. Because the Tory government increased duty on alcohol, tobacco and fuel in December, inflation has risen once again according to the ONS.

This means the Bank of England will now increase interest rates once again, adding more misery to Britain’s mortgage holders and businesses.

Sunak promised to reduce inflation by the half of 2023, and now it is rising again.

As for the coming election, voters will punish the Tories severely not only for the cost of living crisis, but the insane immigration crisis that has inundated the tiny island of Britain

WW3 Will Mostly Be Conventional and Robotic Warfare – Not Nukes

Speak to any ‘expert’ and they immediately talk about WW3 being a complete nuclear assault devastating the entire earth, leaving a nuclear winter lasting hundreds of years. Nothing can be further from the truth. If there is a global skirmish, it will be mostly by conventional warfare also now utilising robotic AI controlled military hardware.

Foremost, it does not matter if you are a dictator or a president/prime minister, what is the point in complete nuclear devastation where there are no spoils of war or land grabs? What is the use of any land which has been irradiated beyond repair, and your own nation is also wiped off the face of the earth? In a full scale nuclear war, there are no winners. Therefore, it makes sense that the conventional method of warfare will still be the de facto method.

Autonomous AI killing machines are also a terrifying prospect, but preferable to complete disintegration via a nuclear war. As much as Hitler kept the beautiful Parisian buildings intact during WW2, someone like Putin would do the same. The prize is far greater to take over a treasure intact, than completely destroyed. This will be true during WW3 as much as WW2.

Other forms of warfare are also a threat, nanotechnology where only a certain genetic trait is targeted, as well as other chemical or viral warfare. The recent Wuhan Lab Chinese virus devastated and destabilised many nations who were the target of the CCP, and if it was a deliberate operation it was a great success. The beauty about such an operation is that it can be attributed to nature and the perpetrators can get off Scott free.

Military technology is generally 100 years ahead of civilian, so it is very unlikely the public will know what is going on behind the doors of the Industrial Military Complex. Autonomous AI weapons and hardware do not get PTSD; they do not need to sleep, they do not need to go on leave, and they do not have emotions or morals.

Cyber warfare will also be in use when the time comes, in fact it already is in use. The daily cyberattacks from China, Russia, N.Korea daily plague Western governments. Taking out infrastructure, satellites, nuclear, and power grids would be the beginning phase of any attack.

Of course, there may be a few tactical nukes let off in strategic zones, or even suitcase dirty bombs set off to stir things up, but nothing warranting total nuclear apocalypse will happen.

It therefore makes complete sense that robotics and other tech advances alongside cyber warfare will be used first during WW3, and nuclear annihilation will not be required. Why shit on your on doorstep, and why shit on your neighbour’s doorstep if you want to take over their place?

 

POLLS: ECHR Ruled Tory Party Set to Lose Election by Landslide

The Daily Telegraph poll this weekend displayed a picture most people knew anyway, but still it was good to receive confirmation via the pollsters. The Tory Party is dead in the water. The mantra during the horrible Blair years was ‘Education, education, education!’ and in 2024 just before a General Election in Nov/Dec it is probably ‘Immigration, immigration, immigration’ but not told by the insipid Sunak instead — by the people.

The populace has truly had enough of this migratory attack on the nation. Yes, some migration is okay but not the vast hordes foisted on the tiny island of Britain in such a short time when you can’t get a doctor’s appointment any more, and if you have an important surgical operation due or medical care, you are put on a waiting list lasting months and years. Even the socialists think there is something wrong here and are slowly figuring out that mass unfettered influxes of millions of people in a short time causes serious strains on the already strained system.

Want to send little Johnny to a school, good luck with that, overcrowded and oversubscribed, sometimes with over 90 pupils in each class, he will be lucky to get a place and even luckier to ever get a decent education with such overstretched resources. Teachers, bless them, have their classes suddenly filled to such a level that they need to speak through a microphone, so the back of the class can hear them. It doesn’t matter anyway because half the pupils (adults posing as children) just came off a boat and cannot speak a word of English yet.

The Tory Sunak government have ruled out leaving the ECHR, a meddling EU court of unelected judges who rules over the UK despite the so-called Brexit.

As the recent poll revealed, the Tory vote share is down 18 points in England and Wales — forget about Scotland, it is zero. Hundreds of thousands of voters have said they will not even bother turning out on election day as the Tories bleed votes to Labour, the Lib Dems and Reform Party.

The biggest constituent of voters who have totally abandoned the Tories is of course the Brexiteers, those who voted Leave in 2016 in the Brexit referendum are a crucial part of the complete collapse of the Tory vote.

Leave voters – the bastion of the 2019 election victory, gave the Tory Party a huge majority and mandate. They have now nearly completely fled the Conservatives, comprising eight in 10 of those past Tory voters who now will NOT support the party.

Sunak is a wishy-washy fishy greasy, impotent accountant who looks at charts all day and is far removed from what is really going on. He is also an unelected autocrat who is probably actually a Remainer despite pleading his allegiance to Brexit. Absolute bollocks, because if you were a true Brexiteer the ECHR and all standing EU diktats and regulations would have been gone a long fucking time ago.

A real Brexiteer would have stopped the boats in a fucking week, but the Tories in this shape are not Brexiteers or real Tories for that matter. Still, the limp, spineless, out of touch Sunak hobble’s along waiting desperately for a humane stomp on his cowardly impotent self.

This is why they will LOSE!

The Thought Provoking Illustrations of Clive Branson

Here at the Squib, we sometimes showcase the work of artists and illustrators, especially those who convey some sort of message effectively. Here is Clive Branson:

Click on image to enlarge

 

Layout 6

Layout 2

Layout 1

Layout 7

Layout 5

Layout 3

Layout 4Layout 10

CLIVE BRANSON BIO

Clive Branson was an advertising creative director/copywriter for the past 25 years with agencies in Toronto, Bermuda and Ottawa. After retirement in 2015, he focused on being a freelance writer/photographer for several magazines – as a monthly contributor – concentrating on automotive, travel and lifestyle issues. He also assists a British agency as a proofreader and editor for any Canadian content for apps, websites, brochures, online advertising, print, and directing on-air talent for radio and TV commercials. Since 2012, Clive has been fortunate enough to have three books professionally published, including Focus on Close-Up and Macro Photography; Long Shadow of Yesterday (as the editor for a memoir based on his father’s experience as a young British officer in Palestine, India, Egypt, Trans-Jordan and Greece between 1945–1949); and Ford Mustang: The First Generation detailing the surreptitious account of how the Mustang was conceived, designed, marketed (the greatest sales numbers in its debut year in automotive history), saved the Ford Motor Company and became, not only their flagship car, but an American icon to this day. Clive has written and produced an 8-part TV series for Rogers on existing and emerging artists in Ottawa, and a retrospect of his marketing and photography in promoting Ottawa was accepted by Ottawa Library and Archives. Clive is married and lives in Ottawa, Ontario.

Elevate Your Snacking Experience: Advantages of Organic Almonds

Almonds stand out as one of the most nutritionally rich nuts, frequently hailed as a superfood by numerous dietitians. However, what distinguishes organic pasteurised almonds as a superfood? How might their incorporation into your diet contribute to enhancing your overall health?

Protein Powerhouse

Almonds boast an impressive protein content, delivering approximately 21 grams per 100-gram serving—equivalent to 42% of the daily recommended intake. Meeting your body’s protein needs, which amounts to around 0.36 grams per pound of body weight, becomes effortlessly achievable through almond consumption. Whether you’re aiming to replenish post-workout or enhance protein intake, incorporating almonds into your diet is a nutritious and convenient choice.

Vitamin E Enrichment

Elevate your skin and eye health with the abundant Vitamin E found in almonds. A 100-gram serving provides approximately 63 mg of Vitamin E, surpassing 171% of the recommended daily intake. Harness the antioxidant properties of Vitamin E by incorporating almonds into your daily nutrition, offering natural nourishment over supplement reliance. Studies show that consistently incorporating this antioxidant into your diet is an effective immune system supplement, among many others.

Heart Health Booster

Harness the power of almonds to support a robust cardiovascular system. Rich in heart-friendly monounsaturated fats and antioxidants, organic almonds especially contribute to reducing the risk of heart disease. By effectively lowering LDL levels (commonly known as bad cholesterol), almonds play a key role in promoting heart health. Research indicates that diets incorporating 20% of caloric intake from almonds can lead to a remarkable 12.4mg/dL reduction in LDL levels.

Brain Function Enhancement

Elevate your cognitive well-being with almonds, recognised for their exceptional brain-boosting properties. Additionally, if weight management is a goal, almonds prove to be a satisfying and low-calorie option, thanks to their high fibre content. By curbing overeating and offering essential nutrients, organic pasteurised almonds support both your brain and overall health.

Gut Health Champion

Elevate your digestive well-being with the remarkable fibre content in almonds, promoting a smoothly functioning gut. With approximately 12 grams of fibre per 100-gram serving, almonds contribute to regular bowel movements and overall gut health. To maximise the prebiotic benefits, ensure consumption of almond skins. Healthy eating goes a long way for such a small food item.

Chemical-Free Assurance

Opting for organic, pasteurised almonds becomes a key strategy to safeguard yourself from harmful chemicals, pesticides, and synthetic preservatives. Almonds, lacking an outer shell, are vulnerable to pesticide absorption, particularly due to their high oil content. By choosing organic varieties, you eliminate exposure to unwanted chemicals and prioritise your well-being and the commitment to an organic choice serves as a proactive step to avoid potential health risks associated with pesticide-laden alternatives.

Prolonged Storage Potential

Investing in organic unpasteurised almonds doesn’t just offer nutritional benefits; it also extends to convenient and economical storage solutions. Unlike their pasteurised counterparts, unpasteurised almonds demand careful storage due to their fresh oils. While pasteurised almonds boast a shelf life of up to six months in an airtight container, unpasteurised almonds require quicker consumption to avoid rancidity.

‘Living Legend of Aviation’ Prince Harry Recalls His 20 Week Gunner Experience

“Now that I am a ‘Living Legend of Aviation’ I want to proudly recall those amazing 20 weeks I was flown around in an Apache helicopter by an expert pilot and was second man — the gunner.

Prince ‘Ace’ Harry

“It was really brillo! I got to fire the guns and shoot a few missiles at the towel heads. One day I even levelled out an entire village. There were a few oopsies though. Like I sometimes had my finger on the trigger and got too excited, maybe put a few bursts into a random crowd of towel heads waiting outside a mosque on a Friday or blew up a donkey or five.

“The thrill of being flown around the place was truly exhilarating, and some American guy in Langley, Virginia would tell me through my headphones to shoot this or shoot that. I bloody loved shooting stuff up, especially the Mujs.

Afghan coffee shop slaughter

“Okay, I wasn’t always sober in those Mahiki days, but c’mon, boozed up and the weed in Afghanistan was the best. One time the pilot took us real low, and I had smoked three joints before the flight. I swear I saw everything in slow motion, even the bit where I unloaded an entire box of ammo into an Afghani coffee shop. You should have seen those Mujs run, they left all their sandals behind. A few of them caught a bullet or two, nothing an aspirin and a good night’s sleep won’t fix. One of the fuckers even had a wooden leg which burst into flames. Haven’t laughed like that in a long time. One day the Sarge came in and spirited me out of the barracks. Apparently the base drug test police were in town, and I of course was looked after.

“Anyway, those were just a small sample of my wonderful days in Afghanistan, 20 weeks of sheer fun being the second man gunner in an Apache helicopter which I would not be able to fly even though they tried to teach me how to. Helicopters are way too complicated for my brain, I mean, I saw the tests the pilots have to do. I can’t do maths and don’t even know what the collective does.

“I am proud to receive the ‘Living Legend of Aviation’ award for not actually flying anything. Thank you dumb American wankers. I never realised the Yanks were so fucking stupid, they actually make me look clever. I’m definitely staying over here forever, these idiots adore me for doing absolutely nothing. What a bunch of cunts. Haha!”