17.7 C
London
Saturday, November 2, 2024
secret satire society
Home Blog Page 169

ISIS Bride Shamima Begum Takes Up Pole Dancing in Effort to Re-enter UK

Mr. Charrington
-
0
ISIS Bride Shamima Begum Takes Up Pole Dancing in Effort to Re-enter UK

One minute she was a staunch ISIS bride part of the short-lived Islamic State and the next, Shamima Begum is now a pole dancing stripper trying to imitate what she sees as Western ways in order to be given entry to the UK.

From Burqa to Pole

“I will show you my twerk moves on the pole in my tent. The vermin parasitical lawyers who are profiting off this attempt to re-enter the UK have told me I have to look and act more Western,” Shamima revealed whilst sticking her butt in the air and wiggling it provocatively.

Caught between a rock and a hard place

Apart from having a skewed unrealistic view on how most Western women act, Shamima Begum is not only a sham but her daily begging to come back to the UK looks pathetic and fake. It is not known what her ISIS friends think about Begum’s new look, especially, as it borders on haram and is most certainly punishable by beheading according to ISIS rules.

The only place in the UK that Begum needs to go to is Wormwood Scrubs for the next 35 fucking years, not only to keep the British public safe from her, but her safe from a fatwa.

How to Create an Email Signature That Represents Your Personality

Mr. Charrington
-
0
How to Create an Email Signature That Represents Your Personality

 

People always try to stand out among others. They express it in an individual style of clothing, manner of behaviour, or lifestyle. This is why an email signature is important as well.

The same goes for professional activities. You face high competition every day. As a result, it is vital to stand out, promote yourself, and continuously communicate with your target audience to show what a professional and talented person you are.

Nowadays, email letters make up a significant part of all communication, letting the email signature generator be an essential instrument of representing a personality.

Email signature as a part of personal branding

An email signature is always at the end of every email you send. It makes using one the best and easiest way to promote your personal brand in the digital world.

To do this, consider your email signature as the web business card, including the info you want a new person to know about yourself. Your interlocutor can see your face if you add a personal photo to your signature, learn your name and occupation.

Add your other contact information such as phone number or Skype ID to be in touch more than via email only. Show that you are open to communication by sharing your social profiles in the signature.

Generally, your signature should represent your identity and demonstrate your expertise and credibility. To achieve this goal and promote your personal brand in the best light, use email signature software. Get inspired looking at these email signature examples.

SIG 1

Determine yourself and your audience

One of the reasons you want to represent your personality is to show that you are unique and stand out from others. Keep in mind there isn’t an absolutely original person in the world; if something is similar to others, that’s fine. Also, remember that you can’t appeal to everyone.

Let’s start with determining who you are and who your audience is.

First of all, pay attention to the industry where you work and the people who belong to it: the ones you communicate with, collaborate with, or who are your potential customers.

After analysing them, imagine what person your audience wants to see. Can you fit that portrait and find out what is a unique feature that will distinguish you from others and represent your personality?

Now, when you know your audience and the most suitable way to represent yourself, it’s high time to choose what the email signature that expresses your personality should look like.

For a start, decide what template of email signature you take as a basis considering your audience and your professional area. You can divide templates by three types: professional, modern, and friendly.

  • Professional signature template

This one is a perfect template if you and your audience belong to the business world and community. Strict business style without unnecessary details with restrained colours and design emphasizes that the email sender with such signature is a serious business person, a highly qualified professional, and a reliable partner.

SIG 2

Such signatures can be chosen by top managers and middle managers, lawyers, professors and teachers, business coaches and consultants, brokers, realtors, etc.

  • Modern and elegant signature template

The right choice for those who keep up with the times, follow the trends, and actively use modern technologies and the latest approaches to business management. If you belong to those who believe that simplicity and minimalism manifest refined taste, this template is just for you.

SIG 3

Great for founders, information technology employees, marketing managers, or for those who can express themselves by this style.

  • Creative and friendly template

If you are a representative of the creative industry, then this template is best for you. Such an email signature emphasizes extraordinary creative nature and allows expressing yourself. Every email letter you send shows that you are a professional and creative person undoubtedly.

SIG 4

Musicians, bloggers, designers, writers, photographers, artists, and others should choose this template.

Include a professional style-matched photo

Should a personal photo be included in the email signature or not? You might avoid messing up with taking a good picture and have a logo instead. But notice that a photo adds a personal touch, which is pretty essential if you aim at representing your personality.

To do it in the best way, follow this advice and make sure that the photo you are going to use in a signature:

Is yours. An image that isn’t your photo, such as a landscape background or stock image, overcomplicates and clutters your signature. Keep the focus on a real photo with a neutral background.

Looks Professional. It doesn’t have to be shot by a professional to look professional. However, your photo should demonstrate to others that you are intelligent and professional. Remember to smile, feel happy, and relaxed while taking a picture. It creates a positive vibe. Avoid selfies or family photos.

Complements visual identity. Including a photo in your email signature, consider its placement, size, colour (whether you want to use black-and-white or colourful photos).

And above all, be sure your appearance elements in the photo match your visual identity style: clothes (you are wearing a business suit, a shirt with a tie, a simple, elegant dress, or a simple bright casual), hairstyle (neatly collected ponytail, clean and well-groomed hair, etc.), accessories, and makeup (do not overdo it).

Add social links that you actively use

Adding social media to your email signatures is an excellent opportunity to introduce the audience to your Twitter feed, Facebook page, LinkedIn profile, and others. All social media should contain relevant and useful information only. Keep an eye on what you publish because it is quite easy to destroy a reputation that has been built for a long and hard work, with one failed publication.

Avoid adding all possible social links, follow the rule “the less the better” and include only social profiles that:

First, directly related to the scope of your activities. For example, Behance or Pinterest for designers, YouTube for video makers, Trulia for Real Estate, etc.

Second, they are actively used. Do not add social links where you update your content twice a year.

SIG 5

Use banners and CTA to show your best

With the aim to impress your email recipient with your work, the best and most noticeable way is using a great stylish banner or call-to-action button in your email signature. Use the banner not only for holiday greetings or special offers, don’t be afraid to experiment, and feel free to post what you want to draw attention to. A banner is an excellent possibility to reveal yourself as much as it increases representing personality.

SIG 6Want to show your portfolio with fantastic work? Promote your upcoming webinar? Share your latest blog post or get more subscribers on your YouTube channel? All that, and not only that, you can do by adding a banner or button to your email signature.

Email signature, as much as a landing page or a social media channel, gives a great opportunity to represent your personality.

Use suitable design and include only self-promotion information to make the right impression for everyone who receives emails. Encourage people to learn about yourself and professional activities using an email signature.

America’s Socialist Apocalypse

Mr. Charrington
-
0
America’s Socialist Apocalypse

 

There is such a thing called ‘enabling’ and this is what socialists do so very well, they enable an eternal cycle of poverty, drug addiction, crime, destitution, and decline in their ill-managed abodes. Call it a Democrat-run U.S. state, or a Labour-run U.K. council, or a European city, socialism enables the sickness of human decline to take hold and for the citizens within to be slowly murdered by their ‘do-gooder’ socialist policies.

If you look at every state in America, or liberal run city you will see all of these traits of decline, where the poor are kept poor generationally, and where the poverty-stricken voters vote for their own perpetual poverty at every election. Instead of rising above the government welfare handouts and moving forward out of poverty, millions of Americans in particular are trapped in a vicious cycle of EBT hell they cannot escape from.

Drug dependency is encouraged in socialist American states by city departments that hand addicts clean needles, and cleans up their drug paraphernalia from the streets. In cities like San Francisco and Portland, there are entire teams dedicated to picking up human faeces and used needles from the streets costing taxpayers millions every year.

 

In California, a walk down Skid Row will show you the true face of socialism, and how these tent cities of unfortunates are enabled by the city planners. What deserves to be bulldozed is instead allowed to fester bringing vermin, viruses, and pestilence to the city, and condoned by those who run the city. The socialist Democrat Party loves their poverty-stricken perpetual victims because they vote Democrat every four years on the promise of more hand-outs and liberal drug policies.

Socialism loves poverty, in fact they want everyone but party members to be part of the underclass, just as long as they get the votes. The same relationship occurs with the illegal immigrants who are daily pushed through America’s porous borders.

We will give you housing, food and welfare payments as long as you remember it was us Democrats who gave you all these things when it comes time to vote. You will be indebted to us Democrats, and be the eternal victims in need of eternal government assistance. Do not at any time try to escape the role we have given you and try to move above your station, because freedom from poverty by getting employment or higher education may one day mean you will vote Republican. No! We cannot have such a thing, and this is why in your neighbourhoods we will only install liquor stores, pawn shops, mini-marts and gun shops along with turning a blind eye to the drug dealers.

 

The Projects, the council estates, all over the world have the same socialist concept, and are havens for generational imprisonment of the victims of socialism as a political ideology itself. Even in the architecture of these monstrosities built to incarcerate, there is a sense of foreboding socialistic minimalism that centres upon concrete roguery, a sort of statement of socialist intent that these people have been condemned to impoverishment from birth to death.

Granted, there were supposed to be nice things about socialism too, like socialized medicine for example, which does not really exist in America but in Europe it does exist. The problem with such an idea as the UK’s NHS for example is, it is great with a small manageable population, but after years of unfettered immigration, and health tourism, the institution of socialized medicine cannot cope. There are no hospital beds available even in quiet times, and waiting lists go on for years for the most basic of operations. In many situations, when crowded, doctors routinely have to choose which patients live and which unfortunate patients die. This ‘death lottery’ was witnessed during the COVID-19 pandemic where many patients in ICU were left to die either because of their age or other factors. There are not enough taxpayers within the system to prop up the whole venture, and the health systems are so large in bureaucracy they are marred by huge amounts of fiscal waste as trillions of pounds are literally thrown into a bottomless black money pit never to be seen again.

When Kamala Harris becomes President, America will witness what socialism truly is when it will be pushed fully at the Federal level to all citizens of all states, Republicans included.

This is when the real socialist apocalypse will come to fruition. It is only a matter of time.

Putin Offers Biden Cup of Tea After Being Called a ‘Killer’

Mr. Charrington
-
0
Putin Offers Biden Cup of Tea After Being Called a ‘Killer’

It was not very statesmanlike for Joe Biden to call the supreme leader of Russia, President Vladimir Putin a ‘killer’ the other day, however people should understand that Biden is no statesman, and never has been one. Biden is a barely functioning individual displaying symptoms of advanced dementia, and is now a serious liability to the United States as well as International security.

Of course, the Daily Squib was writing about Biden’s ailments over a year ago, but that is neither here nor there, this pathetic individual was nevertheless instated via mass electoral fraud.

Biden therefore is no match for the likes of Putin, a grandmaster of strategic intelligence who can only view Biden with pity.

“I invite Joe Biden to Moscow for tea, if he can hold the cup. You can call me names like ‘killer’ or ‘murderer’ but I will only show you civility and statesmanship,” Putin replied on Thursday.

What about Polonium, would there be any in the tea?

“Biden is already finished, it would not be necessary to furnish his cup of tea with Polonium this time, this man is no threat to Russia, he is a gift to us, and we thank the deluded morons in your country who cheated in your election for this poor, sad man. The USA has never been so weak, and we thank you all very much.”

Green Screen: What’s Up With Biden’s Hands?

Mr. Charrington
-
0
Green Screen: What’s Up With Biden’s Hands?

 

You ever watch a video and then just get totally baffled by it, like there’s something seriously wrong, but you can’t quite figure it out?

Well, watch the video below and look for Joe Biden’s hands in relation to the microphone booms from reporters supposedly asking him questions.

The Man With No Shadow

As you can plainly see, there is some kind of visual anomaly occurring, but the question is why? Why would the government go to such great lengths to fake a simple interaction with reporters in such a way?

The microphone is clearly above his hands and at chest height, yet his hands appear over the microphone as opposed to what is physically possible and below the microphone.

If you look close enough, you can actually see the grey green screen reflection of the microphones, and Biden’s hands, which seem to be superimposed in a terribly amateurish fashion. This is certainly not any form of Hollywood special effects going on here.

Is Biden in some undisclosed location being transposed into an area where fake reporters ask him questions? If so, what does this serve, and who does it serve?

Maybe Biden is dead, and they’re now relegated to superimposing his previous appearances to make him still look alive?

No one apart from the dumbasses who made this video can ever answer those questions.

Meanwhile, it was revealed by his handlers that Joe Biden will be in 3 states today… unconscious… semi-conscious… and confused…

Autopsy: George Floyd Died From Fentanyl and Blocked Arteries Not Cop’s Knee

Mr. Charrington
-
0
Autopsy: George Floyd Died From Fentanyl and Blocked Arteries Not Cop’s Knee

Before police officer Derek Chauvin even put his knee on George Floyd, the criminal was recorded saying he could not breathe and foaming at the mouth. The amount of Fentanyl in Floyd’s system was so high it was already causing him shortness of breath, and he was panicking.

He did not want to be arrested and his aggravated state was already causing the blood flow to his heart to be cut off. Compounded with the huge amount of Fentanyl in his blood that could down an elephant, the medical evidence conclusively reveals that Chauvin was not the cause of the death of the convict.

The initial autopsy of George Floyd on May 29 “revealed no physical findings that support a diagnosis of traumatic asphyxiation,” and that “potential intoxicants” and pre-existing cardiovascular disease “likely contributed to his death.”

Although the video of Chauvin putting his knee on Floyd to stop him fleeing initially looked shocking, the autopsy did not reveal any bruising on Floyd’s neck or body. Clean as a whistle.

It was only after the insistence of the Floyd family and race activists that the original autopsy findings were changed to implicate the police officer as the cause of death on June 1.

The truth is Floyd died when his heart stopped. The autopsy revealed he was already suffering from an enlarged heart with constricted arteries, one of five of which was 90% blocked and two others were 75% blocked.

The autopsy subsequently found heavy concentrations of Fentanyl in Floyd’s system and traces of methamphetamines. If Floyd had collapsed and died in the street while being wrested into the squad car, his death would have been attributed to a drug overdose and a bad heart.

Officer Derek Chauvin could not have known of Floyd’s severe heart problem, his deadly Fentanyl dosage, or his blocked arteries. All he knew was he was apprehending a 6’7 heavyset man resisting arrest who could not be controlled earlier by two officers. In this respect, Chauvin was conducting regular police procedure in restraining this unruly person, who refused to sit in the squad car.

George Floyd’s Criminal Past

  • George Floyd moved to Minneapolis in 2014 after being released from prison in Houston, Texas following an arrest for aggravated robbery
  • On May 25, 2020, Floyd was arrested for passing a counterfeit $20 bill at a grocery store in Minneapolis
  • He was under the influence of fentanyl and methamphetamine at the time of arrest
  • Floyd has more than a decade-old criminal history at the time of the arrest and went to jail at least 5 times
  • George Floyd was the ringleader of a violent home invasion
  • He pleaded guilty to entering a woman’s home, pointing a gun at her stomach and searching the home for drugs and money, according to court records
  • Floyd was sentenced to 10 months in state jail for possession of cocaine in a December 2005 arrest
  • He had previously been sentenced to eight months for the same offence, stemming from an October 2002 arrest
  • Floyd was arrested in 2002 for criminal trespassing and served 30 days in jail
  • He had another stint for a theft in August 1998

Floyd along with another suspect posed as a worker for the local water department wearing a blue uniform in order to enter a woman’s house. When the woman retaliated a Ford Explorer pulled up to the home and five other males exited the car and went up to the front door.

George-Floyd-pointing-a-gunat-a-womans-abdomen
The final straw for Floyd came after serving five years in prison in 2009 for aggravated assault stemming from a robbery where he entered a woman’s home, pressed a gun into her stomach and searched the home for drugs and money, according to court records (pictured)

The report states the largest of the group, who the victim later identified as Floyd, ‘forced his way inside the residence, placed a pistol against the complainant’s abdomen, and forced her into the living room area of the residence.

‘This large suspect then proceeded to search the residence while another armed suspect guarded the complainant, who was struck in the head and sides by this second armed suspect with his pistol while she screamed for help.’

Not finding any drugs or money at the house, the men took jewellery and the woman’s cell phone and fled in their car. A neighbour who witnessed the robbery took down the car’s licence plate number.

Later, police tracked down the car and found Floyd behind the wheel. He was later identified by the woman as the large suspect who placed a gun against her stomach and forced her into her living room, the document states. 

Justice System Should Not Pander to Race Agitators

Police officer Derek Chauvin was simply doing his job apprehending a known criminal, and did absolutely nothing wrong. If he is wrongly convicted by a biased court which is somehow pandering to BLM activism and race agitators, then this will be a serious wrongful perversion of America’s justice system.

America’s legal system must not pander to the activists however much they threaten riots. The law should be the law in all circumstances.

UK Charity: Women Should Be Allowed to Carry Guns At Night

Mr. Charrington
-
0
UK Charity: Women Should Be Allowed to Carry Guns At Night

Women should be allowed to carry guns at night, a prominent women’s charity has revealed.

“Imagine walking down a dark cobbled London street, the fog covers everything, then you hear a wolf whistle. Some guy thinks it is funny and says ‘C’mon love show us your tits!’ That’s when you take out your 44 Magnum and ‘Blam!’ another chauvinist vile pig lies dead, his brains and bollocks splattered all over the cobbles,” Gina Charlton, charity head of Women Fight Back Now, revealed on Tuesday.

Concealed carry gun in her waistband

Metropolitan Police head, Cressida Dick actually approved of the idea when it was suggested.

“They call me Dirty Dick, when the moon is out, I trawl the streets of London looking for men to fuck up. As a police woman myself, I totally believe women need to be armed and dangerous. We need to train our young girls from the age of six to shoot. Wouldn’t it be great though if like there was a Gatling gun mounted in a van that went around cleansing the streets of men?”

Sexy woman in police uniform.So, what’s the best gun to blow away men with?

The number one choice should be the SIG P365 this slim 9mm micro-compact pistol is designed for easy concealing, reliable performance and extended ammunition capacity. The Glock 19 and Glock 43 are also great for women, light, easily hidden and deadly.

For something a little bigger to make a real statement, we suggest the Smith and Wesson Magnum 500.

It is not yet certain if the Boris Johnson government will upgrade the law any time soon, however seeing as the majority of legislation is coming now from his girlfriend, women could be armed and dangerous very soon.

Story developing…

 

Meghan Markle Says She Will Only Come Back to UK If She Can Sit on Throne

Mr. Charrington
-
0
Meghan Markle Says She Will Only Come Back to UK If She Can Sit on Throne

Meghan Markle has spoken out about returning to the UK, but only if she can sit on the Queen’s throne every day.

Speaking through her spokeswoman, Ovid Scoobie, Meghan Markle made the demands which were then relayed to Buckingham Palace on Tuesday.

The Queen and her consorts were once again blindsided by the incredible demands from the ‘pushy’ Duchess.

Royal courtiers were scrambling to digest the precise demands which were delivered on a long list.

“It says here that certain macrobiotic foods would have to be delivered every day via air freight from California to the UK to sate Markle’s trendy habits. Markle also demanded her own quarters at Buckingham Palace as well as at Windsor. The throne room would be designated a Meghan Markle zone where she would arrange photo shoots and use the throne to dictate her socialist agenda to the world as well as entertain her Californian friends,” one courtier revealed.

Her Majesty was told about the demands earlier on today, and was said to have turned a deep shade of beetroot.

No mention of Harry was made at any time by Markle or her ‘friends’.

 

Shameful Misandrists Hijack Death of Sarah Everard

Mr. Charrington
-
0
Shameful Misandrists Hijack Death of Sarah Everard

 

All men are not women murderers and rapists but looking at the crowd of misandrists who have hijacked the vigil of Sarah Everard, the woman murdered by a policeman, it is very clear that this tragedy has been politicized by the men haters.

The drive against ‘toxic masculinity’ is a Marxist driven political movement to emasculate all men, a form of cultural castration where men’s natural biology of testosterone is seen as dangerous.

With the likes of Green Party peer Baroness Jones jumping on the misandry band-wagon advising that all men adhere to a 6pm curfew at night for safety’s sake there is a certain sense that lumping all men with a single anomaly is perfectly acceptable.

“These deranged Marxists will attempt to hijack and use any event they can to bring in their totalitarian communist ideologies. It is the same thing with BLM, where one black person dies at the hands of a white policeman, their vengeance turns to all white people, of course ignoring the multitude of black people killed by other blacks. The hypocrisy comes strong and thick with these new communist Bolshevik activists and their nefarious agenda,” one commentator revealed.

The worst part of all is this of course that the tragic death of Sarah Everard has been overshadowed by the misandrists and their commie brigades parading their shitty Marxist man-hating slogans around social media all for their selfish agenda and not for that poor woman who lost her life. Sarah Everard is now secondary to the misandrists and their hateful agenda to enslave and emasculate all men.

Younger People Succumbing to COVID-19 Brazilian, South African Strains

Mr. Charrington
-
0
Younger People Succumbing to COVID-19 Brazilian, South African Strains

Young people with no underlying conditions and seemingly healthy constitutions are now appearing in COVID-19 death statistics with increasing frequency.

A 16-year-old with no known underlying health conditions died from COVID-19 days after figures showed a 13-year-old without known underlying conditions had died. The deaths all occurred last month but illustrate that young people are just as susceptible to death from COVID-19, especially as the deadly Brazilian and South African strains are now spreading across Britain.

Naturally, the opening of schools will be a great conduit for Coronavirus to spread further into population centres especially with the increased footfall. Even though there is now a program of lateral-flow testing in most schools, this is a lagging indicator, and only addresses the problem after the infection has taken place. For some, this could mean a definite death sentence.

It will take a few weeks or months for what is happening today to be apparent in governmental statistics, but the massive jump of cases in Europe should also be another consideration. The borders are still open from the Continent into the UK with little or no checks, as infected people come through the ferry ports and through the Eurotunnel.

The Brazilian COVID-19 P.1. Strain is a particularly nasty piece of work, and is currently causing mayhem in the region it came from. It can spread far more easily and vaccinations may not be as effective, although further research is ongoing.

The British Kent COVID-19 B.1.1.7. Strain also spreads with more ease than previous mutations, as does the South African B.1.351 Strain, each of these variants have differing characteristics that affect the recipient in multiple ways, depending on the general health, genetic makeup of the person infected.

Scientists have also discovered another mystery B1.525 Strain which is similar to the Kent variation including the E484K mutation, but its origins are unknown as yet.

As schools, shops and restaurants etc all open their doors again, it is guaranteed that infections and deaths will increase once again exponentially.

1...168169170...724Page 169 of 724
squib footer 270

Breaking News

Copyright © Daily Squib 2024.

The Daily Squib is a curious satirical parody newspaper offering breaking news, political satire, comedy, investigative journalism, opinion and celebrity news.