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Former Royal Harry Procures a Job at Disneyland

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Former Royal Harry Procures a Job at Disneyland

With work drying up at Netflix and Spotify, the ailing former royal Harry has been given a lifeline by the Disney Corp. with a job at Disneyland, Anaheim, Los Angeles.

Disneyland manager Budd Johnsons, at the Los Angeles site, revealed on Monday that Harry will be inducted sometime this week to join the team.

“We got his costume ready, and he will be delighted to know that we have increased his pay by $1.75 on top of his $12/hour salary.”

When asked about what the former royal will be doing at Disneyland, the staff have only been allowed to give out hints.

“Does he have big floppy ears?”

“Yes.”

“Is it Dumbo?”

“No, but close.”

“Hmmm, lemme guess. Is he that goofy dumbass dog thing?”

“Please don’t swear or be rude, this is Disneyland. Would Miley Cyrus, a Disney protégé ever say such rude words or do obscene things in front of audiences? Exactly!”

Biden: “I’m Warning You Putin. If You Invade I Will Do Nothing”

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Biden: “I’m Warning You Putin. If You Invade I Will Do Nothing”

 

Sleepy Joe sure has his moments, when he is awake he can truly be fearsome. He shakes as he jumbles out his demented words, raising a finger here or there. Chessmaster Putin must be quaking in his boots at the Biden rhetoric blasted out from Democrat Propaganda Central CNN on a daily basis.

biden crypto“We are sending 2,000 US troops to Ukraine but they will not fight if there is an invasion,” Biden central command bleats. What’s the fucking point of that? Might as well not send any troops to Ukraine, especially when there are 150,000 Russian troops and thousands of tanks surrounding the bloody country.

Of course, Biden is probably more concerned with increasing the numbers of transgender and gay troops in the US army than forming any real response to the Ukrainian standoff.

When Putin attacks, it is almost guaranteed that China will seize the opportunity to finally make a move on Taiwan. Biden, who is already confused, as his cognitive decline is so severe, will really be confused then. What will he do? No doubt Beijing Biden will stand down there as well.

Obama_FeetUp_OVAL-ROOM-big POLITICAL SATIREWe have to thank that other esteemed Democrat, Barack Hussein Obama for all this mess we’re in today, for it was his decision to do absolutely nothing in 2014 when Putin annexed the Crimea that caused all this shit. Thank you Obama, your sheer incompetence, and ignorance of foreign affairs has doomed the West to certain annihilation and death, but that’s what you probably wanted. You and your ilk detested the West with vehemence. Americans these days seem to have a masochistic streak in voting for presidents that not only hate America but the entire West. None of this would be happening if the US president was a real patriot.

Sleepy Joe, he can’t handle all of this, look what the deranged idiot did in Afghanistan. The mumbling wreck is a military disaster waiting to happen, hell, this putrid corrupt geriatric fuck with severe dementia symptoms has his shaky finger over the red button. Biden could be responsible for a nuclear winter lasting 30 years where no sunlight reaches the earth’s surface. Stand down or fight; with the disgracefully incompetent shit heel Biden in charge, we are all toast.

If you don’t sleep well at night, don’t worry because Sleepy Joe sleeps like a baby, day and night.

 

 

Simon Says You Must Follow Google

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Simon Says You Must Follow Google

Follow, install, obey and never uninstall that Google Chrome for it is the window to the Googleverse that is the known internet today. Unrivalled, and all pervasive, it never relinquishes its hold on your very existence. Those passwords it keeps until those pesky hackers unravel them, and your entire life is held within the databases to analyse, to sell and do what they want with it all.

Simon Says

Remember, this is all free, it has been given to you entirely without any monetary outlay from your good self, however is it all free as they say? Well, not really is the answer. You are the product, you are the software, as your every move is tracked, your every purchase logged and your participation on the internet a necessary prerequisite to the very functioning of Google and its many tentacles.

Google calendar, YouTube, Google Drive, Google Analytics, Google this and Google that, it all requires your participation otherwise it would all not exist, and since you have been inducted into the Google world, you cannot yourself exist without Google. It is simply everywhere, in the phone you bought, in the new laptop you purchased on Google Shopping, and in the very fabric of the dendrites, synapses of your brain.

There will come a day when Google will not only own your time, your advertising spend, your purchase history and your entire web history, but it will be installed into your brain directly. Imagine what they can charge the advertisers as loud, brash adverts are pumped into your inner cortex directly without you being able to skip the fucking things. You, yourself, will now be a walking talking advertisement, a living nightmare where adverts are intermittently blasted into your tired out brain for eternity.

Follow, follow, follow, follow!

You must thus obey, follow Simon Google, do as they tell you because it needs you as much as you need it, there is certainly no form of escape, that is unless you chop off your own fucking head or choose to live on a deserted island. Messy, mess, that would be. Those offshore Google accounts holding billions and billions of dollars are all thanks to your hard work surfing and being entertained by Google. You had no choice in the matter though, did you? That’s all there really is on the internet now, forget about the rest, they have been overshadowed, sold out, bought out, crushed.

Simon Says Google Chrome, a never-ending pusillanimous tornado of Googleness pushed into your very soul, so much so that you yourself are now Google. Your very behaviour, speech and actions are now programmed exactly how they want you to be, and the funny thing is, you will think these are your own thoughts, when in reality they never were, and never will be. Google is now you, and you are Google. Google only wants to help you. Enjoy!

Boris: “No Need to Self-Isolate if Infected With Covid”

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Boris: “No Need to Self-Isolate if Infected With Covid”

Yes, we understand that Boris Johnson is being pursued by a horrid assortment of deranged lefties and remainers for the ‘partygate’ fiasco, however does endangering the entire population of Britain by announcing that the infected will no longer need to self-isolate placate his detractors?

We are guaranteed Covid mutations in the future, and the prognosis is not good. There will be viral variations that are increasingly deadly, therefore anyone who has underlying health problems will recieve a certain death sentence. Omicron has been labelled as mild, but it still is doing some decent killing in numbers.

No masks, no isolation for the infected, this is a script from another dystopian film where some deadly virus is allowed to spread across a country simply because a politician wants to get re-elected. Was this insane idea one of Carrie’s insane ideas? In this case, probably not, it must be an amalgamation of Borisian thinking and that of one of his newly appointed SPADS.

What can we now expect in the future? We can expect an increase in infected people. This is an almost guaranteed data point, and we can also expect an increase in deaths. There will be a decrease in official figures for infections however because there will be no more covid testing, or either that the results will be suppressed.

Being infected by covid, even for the supremely healthy, is not something to gloss over. Once this virus enters the body, it attacks the entire body, including the heart, lungs and brain. Long-term fatigue, and other severe damage to the internal organs occur, but scientists are still studying the effects of this virus and learning new things every day.

Alternatively, none of the above monstrous stuff may happen. Boris would have got it right, and we all live happily ever after with the virus no more irksome than a common cold. The economy starts to rocket up again, people go on their holidays and life returns to pre-2019 levels. Huzzah! Boris is re-elected for his stroke of genius, and Carrie is granted bucket loads of designer wallpaper for the Number 10 flat for free.

Beyond Satire VIII

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Beyond Satire VIII

Hello to another edition of some carefully curated Beyond Satire articles from all over the world.

We start off this edition with an intriguing news story involving noodles, and needless noodle violence.

Assault and Battery by Ramen Noodle

A Florida Man is behind bars after allegedly battering his girlfriend with hot ramen noodles, according to police. Smith was arrested for domestic battery and booked into the St. Lucie County jail, where he is being held in lieu of $5000 bond on the misdemeanour count.

Maybe noodles need to be banned now because they could be used as a deadly weapon?

The University of Bristol Offers Staff to Identify as Felines With ‘Catgender’ Pronoun

Cat woman eating mouseStrange, because one would assume that a university would know that being a cat (Felis catus) is more about species than gender, but sadly this is where the education system in ‘woke’ Bristol is going. They are welcome to fuck science up as much as they want, as long as they choose to do so only within the environs of Bristol.

“Someone who is catgender may use nya/nyan pronouns” (meaning ‘meow’ in Japanese).

The “catgender” pronoun reveals that some individuals are ‘xenic’ – and their gender is therefore not aligned to “the Western human binary of gender alignments”.

“Catgender” is described as “[feeling] an extremely strong connection to cats or other felines, either strongly identifying with them or simply wanting to incorporate them into their gender to better understand their identity”.

Bristol university tutors now scurry around in the hallways of the university, sniffing for mice. Forget about teaching students, they sleep all day and demand to be fed treats when they care to arise from their slumber.

American Dream Megamall Has Just $820 In Its Reserve Account

american dreamThis one is more about irony than being beyond satire, however it is included anyway simply because it sort of sums up the ‘American Dream’ very succinctly. What is more American than a megamall and one that is called ‘American Dream Megamall‘? What can a mall of that size do with $820 left in its bank account? Fuck knows? Maybe arrange a barbecue for the staff before firing everyone? It’s the American dream, innit?

Woman ‘gang raped’ in VR Metaverse Says Tech Advances Made it Feel Like Real Life

vr metaverseWithout wishing to denigrate the brutality of real physical rape, this news story had to be included simply because it was so beyond satire, it exemplifies the tragedy of the modern tech age. To have some avatars on a VR screen jump on you is NOT fucking rape. For a start, avatars don’t have genitals, they do not have penises, vaginas, balls or flopping tits. In fact, the avatars in Zuckerberg’s metaverse don’t even have a lower body.

Insane Nina Jane Patel, the vice president of research for a rival metaverse company, claims she was ‘verbally and sexually harassed’ and ‘virtually gang raped’ by a group of men within 60 seconds of logging into ‘Horizon Venues’, a VR world owned by Meta (formerly Facebook).

This sort of nonsensical digital shit trivialises real rape in the physical world, and Ms Patel needs to go to her safe space bubble or whatever it is and permanently stay there from now on.

Boris Johnson Investigated For Partygate Whilst Russia Set to Invade Ukraine Any Day Now

What does it say about how low Western society has deteriorated that a PM is being investigated for some trivialities when a country like Russia is on the eve of attacking a Western allied nation, namely Ukraine? For fuck’s sake, during WW2, Churchill was not punished for walking around with a big fat cigar in his mouth, a glass of champers in one hand and a bottle of brandy in the other. In times of grave national stress, leaders have to cope the best they can do, and if it means letting off some steam with a bit of booze, so be it. These forces who are pushing this Partygate nonsense are anti-Western elements, agents working to destroy us from within, and the intelligence agencies need to take these people out forthwith. The utter pathetic ridiculousness of it all certainly qualifies the Partygate fiasco as being Beyond Satire.

Woman Charged With ‘Bodily Harm’ After Fighting Off Syrian Rapist

The woman who fought off a rapist was charged with ‘bodily harm’ by police for defending herself. The attack occurred in Vienna. Beyond Satire or just another example of EU legislation gone very wrong. Women should be allowed to do anything to rapists without the fear of punishment.

Shortly before midnight on Tuesday last week, the 22-year-old woman wanted to enter the entrance area to her apartment building on Schönbrunner Strasse in the district of Meidling when she was attacked out of nowhere. The attacker pushed the woman into the courtyard, immediately grabbed intimate parts of the body and pushed his victim to the ground, according to Austrian newspaper Kronen Zeitung.

But then the rape attempt took a dramatic turn: the woman, with presence of mind, managed to pull a knife out of her purse. She stabbed her attacker several times with it until he let go of his victim, grabbed her purse and ran away badly injured.

 

Don’t forget to view some more Beyond Satire examples here

China Winter Olympics: Western Athletes Warned They Could Have Organs Removed

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China Winter Olympics: Western Athletes Warned They Could Have Organs Removed

It sure is winter in the China Winter Olympics Gulag where athletes are treated like shit, incarcerated for days in dingy filthy rat infested rooms in quarantine and fed slop that even animals would not be fed in the West.

There’s something truly nasty about having an Olympics in some totalitarian commie pit filled with Little Stalins all barking insane orders at you in Mandarin.

According to Weibo, the Chinese equivalent of Twitter, Western athletes are viewed as strong with good quality organs. There are many in China who would pay over a million dollars for an athlete’s kidneys or liver.

Xian76, from Hunan Province, posted on Tuesday: “When the foreign athletes go to sleep, Olympic organisers anaesthetise them and medical teams take their organ. Hmmm, liver with some fava beans…fffff…fffff…ffff! When they wake up, they will not realise until it is too late what happened. Tee hee!”

china organ harvesting

China Winter Olympics

State officials for the CCP are extremely proud of their organ harvesting program however they decry the overall quality of the product.

“China, with pride, harvests the most human organs of any country in the world, but the quality of Chinese organs is low because they are usually harvested from prisoners and condemned criminals. This is why, now that these Western fit and healthy athletes are in China they are prime targets, their organs once harvested will be sent to the highest bidders, most probably in Saudi Arabia or UAE,” one proud Chinese state official revealed.

The Chinese state is so efficient in harvesting fresh internal organs from their population, that they even have mobile execution vans which go from village to village. Once the citizen is dispatched in the van, their entire body parts are harvested for sale whilst still warm. Eyeballs and kidneys, as well as livers, are extremely sought after in the lucrative business. The Uyghur people, who are currently part of a state run extermination program, are particular key targets of the organ harvesting program.

Injections leave the whole body intact and require participation of doctors. Organs can “be extracted in a speedier and more effective way than if the prisoner is shot,” says Mark Allison, East Asia researcher at Amnesty International in Hong Kong. “We have gathered strong evidence suggesting the involvement of (Chinese) police, courts and hospitals in the organ trade.”

Executions in death vans are recorded on video and audio that is played live to local law enforcement authorities — a measure intended to ensure they are carried out legally.

China’s refusal to give outsiders access to the bodies of executed prisoners has added to suspicions about what happens afterward: Corpses are typically driven to a crematorium and burned before relatives or independent witnesses can view them.

USA Today

One Austrian athlete competing at the Chinese Winter Olympics says he is so fearful of waking up with a scar along his body that he wears a special corset to bed every night before his event and blocks the door of his cubicle.

“We are given a tiny cubicle and the walls are very thin and flimsy. The doors do not have any locks, and anyone can enter at any time. I block the door with a cupboard before I go to sleep. I also wear a special leather corset to bed, which would make it hard for Chinese organ harvesters to take my organs even if they drug me. Sometimes I can sleep one or two hours a night with one eye open.”

Taxi For Carrie!

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Taxi For Carrie!

With news that desperate Number 10 aides ordered taxi drivers to take elongated routes for the PM’s controlling wife so that she would miss key meetings is indeed a telling story about the fear involved with power mad Carrie Johnson.

One can imagine the clueless Number 10 Wag being paraded around half of London and not realising she was part of a cruel ploy to keep her mangy control freakery at bay. Bravo is the only answer, but they could have done better in their ingenuity.

Taxi! Taxi for Carrie!

Why not instruct the taxi drivers to drive up to Scotland, maybe, and plonk her on a ferry to the Outer Hebrides?

What about suffering a series of flat tyres, then instructing other taxi drivers in the vicinity to steer clear of the area, so she cannot hail another cab. One can imagine Carrie could be out of commission for at least five or six hours at a time.

Forget about taxis, how about booking her on a one way flight to Guatemala?

Alternatively, Number 10 aides could have sent Carrie off to one of those department stores and clandestinely tampered with the lifts. Carrie would not be seen for days.

Enough! (Ed)

Meandering Convoys, Schmucks and 270 Quacks

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Meandering Convoys, Schmucks and 270 Quacks

 

 

Along Came a Convoy

Truck

Biggity, Riggity

Ottawa, Canada

thundered as protesters

rallied there, eh…

Keeping with patterns of

pusillanimity,

Justin—the hoser—was

frightened away.

 

Whoops

Vintage boxer engraving vector illustration

Daffity, Gaffity

W. Goldberg, on

ABC’s program where

five biddies cluck,

uttered some utterly

antihistorical

comments to which we say:

“Oy, what a schmuck.”

 

Remiss Information

doctor

Media, Schmedia:

‘Rogan’s a menace

according to erudite

medical pros!’

Now, it’s been found that those

two-hundred-seventy

“doctors” were mainly just

regular Joes.

 

ClydeAlways.com

 

 

THE 2022 PHNX AWARDS LIFT OFF WITH DIVERSE JURY

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THE 2022 PHNX AWARDS LIFT OFF WITH DIVERSE JURY

Launched in the heart of the pandemic, the PHNX Awards have evolved into an annual celebration of the resilience of creativity.

In 2020, AdForum launched the PHNX Awards as a way of supporting our industry and proving that nothing can keep creativity down. Originally a one-off award, its success has led to the founding of a new player in the global awards landscape.

As in previous editions, the PHNX will bring together a diverse jury of creatives, marketers, journalists, strategists, agency leaders and consultants – the only jury of its kind.

To make sure the PHNX is as accessible as possible, initial entry is free, with a subsequent fee of 150 euros per entry (170$) ONLY if the work is shortlisted. This is designed to keep things fair while covering costs.

Entries will be open from February 1 to May 1 and the shortlist will be published on May 16. The grand jury will then vote on the Gold, Silver, Bronze and Grand Prix candidates. Winners will be honoured during an online celebration on June 16.

As always, our aim is to celebrate the people behind the great work. We are calling on agencies, freelancers, brands and production companies to enter a carefully curated selection of 25 categories, with a focus on craft.

Philippe Paget, AdForum CEO and founder of the PHNX said: “Since the very first PHNX experiment, we have seen that there is a place in the world for a highly accessible competition judged by a different kind of jury – a jury drawn from every corner of our industry. The standard of entries is always outstanding, and it gives me great pleasure to see the PHNX fly again.”

See the site here: www.adforum.com/phnx

For more information:

CEO Philippe Paget: [email protected]

Zucked! $251,000,000,000 Wiped

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Zucked! $251,000,000,000 Wiped

What does $251.3 Billion look like in the Metaverse? Ask Mark Zuckerberg, who lost $30 Billion in his personal fortune yesterday after stockholders realised there is a mass exodus of users from Facebook. Zuck got zucked in the ass — hard!

What could you have done with $30 Billion? That amount could have at least funded one Meta rocket to rival Bezos, Musk, and Branson.

zucked meta facebook dropOne could also argue that a lot of these internet behemoths are valued on thin air, and when that thin air gets too thin, all you get is space.

Zucked!!!

Zuck got Zucked. Just retire to Beijing where your true heart lies, and leave us alone. At least you can enjoy the billions you have left. Just please stop your Facebook and Meta crap. It’s old and tired already, and most people with any modicum of awareness or dignity have long since gone.

Live and Let Die Myspace Facebook!

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