17.7 C
London
Monday, October 28, 2024
secret satire society
Home Blog Page 109

Assault Weapons Ban: Mr. and Mrs. America They’re Coming For Your Guns

0

The bill to ban assault weapons in the USA has been passed by the House, but will come under some serious flack in the Senate. The Democrats somehow managed to pass the bill banning the guns in the House.

The American socialist-led vote of 217-213 passed in the House, with two Republicans (RINOS) voting for the measure and five Democrats opposing it.

To pass in the Senate, the nefarious anti-second amendment bill would require 10 Republican RINOS, hopefully the RINOS stay in their shitty mud pit for the vote.

The anti-constitutional legislation, authored by gay Rep. David Cicilline, Democrat-Rhode Island, would criminalise the knowing sale, manufacture, transfer, possession or importation of many types of semi-automatic weapons and large-capacity ammunition feeding devices.

“Come and get ’em. I dare you sons of bitches to even try,” a defiant Montana resident said before unloading a mag load of bullets from his trusty AR-15 into a crude dummy resembling Joe Biden.

Millions of Americans across the country are literally begging for the authorities to come and try to take their guns.

What country before ever existed a century and half without a rebellion? And what country can preserve its liberties if their rulers are not warned from time to time that their people preserve the spirit of resistance? Let them take arms. The remedy is to set them right as to facts, pardon and; pacify them. What signify a few lives lost in a century or two? The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants. It is its natural manure.

Thomas Jefferson, Paris Nov. 13. 1787

Tory Leadership Contest: Rishi Sunak Unveils His Campaign Anthem Song

0

Speaking in Solihull today, the former Chancellor of the Exchequer, Rishi Sunak who is bidding to become the next PM unveiled his current favourite song for his campaign.

“After plunging many knives into the back of the PM Boris Johnson, and my attempt to catapult over his quivering corpse, I hereby announce the song that will follow me around like a parasitical leech for the entirety of my career.”

The other more likely candidate for the job of PM, Liz Truss, is currently speeding ahead of Fishy Rishi.

Here, we’ll give you a clue…the song was released in August 1972 by the Philadelphia soul group The O’Jays and reference knives in action on a particular part of the body.

Celebriscientitis, a Virally Triggered Personality Disorder Sweeps Through the Science Community

0

A debilitating viral personality disorder, Celebriscientitis, has been sweeping through the scientific community, according to a joint WHO–CDC report. Dr B Polar from Seattle University explains, “The virus that triggers this disorder seems to target low-tier science researchers in the early stages of their careers. The main symptom is a rapid inflammation of ego and increased narcissism … with patients’ original personalities being lost forever. The onset of this disease is brutally fast … one minute they are doing mundane lab experiments, the next they are on THE ONE SHOW or OPRAH … using analogy after analogy to explain how the Universe works.”

Health experts fear the world will simply have to live with this disease … there being no cure on the horizon. One ex-researcher from Manchester, with beautiful teeth and a trendy trim, exclaimed “Things can only get better” … thanks Brian!

https://curtis-press.com/

 

The Singularity: World’s First Electric Nanomotor Made From DNA Material

0

Things are getting a little creepy and exciting at the same time, what with flying cars, sentient Google AI, and now a research team led by the Technical University of Munich (TUM) has succeeded for the first time in producing a molecular electric motor using the DNA origami method.

The tiny machine made of genetic material self-assembles and converts electrical energy into kinetic energy. The new nanomotors can be switched on and off, and the researchers can control the rotation speed and rotational direction.

The future is becoming a Kurzweil reality, where miniature nanomotors inside our bodies will be able to replicate the production of organic compounds and hydrotropes like adenosine triphosphate. The applications are infinite.

Micro/nanomotors are miniature synthetic devices that can move through endogenous stimuli such as chemical fuels and catalysts, or exogenous stimuli like electromagnetic or acoustic radiation forces in a liquid phase.

The research team was led by Hendrik Dietz, Professor of Biomolecular Nanotechnology at TUM, Friedrich Simmel, Professor of Physics of Synthetic Biological Systems at TUM, and Ramin Golestanian, director at the Max Planck Institute for Dynamics and Self-Organization.

“The new motor could also have technical applications in the future. If we develop the motor further we could possibly use it in the future to drive user-defined chemical reactions, inspired by how ATP synthase makes ATP driven by rotation. Then, for example, surfaces could be densely coated with such motors. Then you would add starting materials, apply a little AC voltage and the motors produce the desired chemical compound,” says Dietz.

Dietz and his colleagues wanted to engineer a motor out of DNA that could be driven by Brownian motion in a similar way to the protein-based machines found in cells. In the DNA origami technique they used, loops of single-stranded DNA from a bacteriophage virus are mixed together in a solution with short strands of synthetic DNA; these are made to match the nucleobase sequences of specific sites in the viral genome. The short pieces bind to the long strands and force them to fold into the desired shape.

“We’ve been advancing this method of fabrication for many years and can now develop very precise and complex objects, such as molecular switches or hollow bodies that can trap viruses. If you put the DNA strands with the right sequences in solution, the objects self-assemble,” says Dietz.

What Happened to Europe?

0

The continent of Europe used to be a myriad of individualistic nations, all with their own individual cultures, dialects, languages and lives. Yes, they still have some semblance of their past national identities, but it is being eroded daily by the EU machinery of soviet collectivist amalgamation.

The EU does not want individual sovereign states, it wants one single entity, one sole state of European Union. To achieve this the unelected technocrats within the EU Politburo, the EU Commission, are stripping nations of not only their identity but of their right to make their own decisions economically and politically.

Due to the Schengen zone many parts of Europe are now almost unrecognisable. Boulevards once teaming with well groomed jolly citizens are now in parts tent cities where ethnic violent clashes occur sporadically.

One used to feel excited about going to Europe but now everything is homogenised, everything is the same. The same shops, the same people and the same EU flag everywhere. European nations have been robbed and stripped of their national spirit, their money unceremoniously repatriated into areas they have no say in.

To erase the past is the function of the EU, which means national identity and culture of nations are eviscerated, ultimately destroyed.

There is no going back once this EU function is enabled, and much like the former Soviet Union entire nations within the union had their individual national characters almost completely devitalised.

The EU is destroying Europe. The EU is an un-democratic soviet collectivist state which is destroying the sovereignty of nations within the bloc.

 

Bad Breath May Have Caused Tory Debate Presenter to Faint

0

The TalkTV Tory debate, hosted by former Sky journalist Kate McCann, abruptly halted around halfway through after a loud crash was heard.

TalkTV said McCann was “fine” but investigators think a bout of severe halitosis may have sent McCann crashing to the floor.

“We are not pointing any fingers at any of the candidates during the debate, but Rishi Sunak was seen before the debate tucking into a large Indian garlic dish of some sort,” the channel added.

Thank god Kate McCann is okay…

“Ah, the adorable Kate McCann, she is as delicate as a flower with an excruciatingly thin looking neck. To her credit, she does have an almost encyclopedic political brain that can recount anything that happened in parliament from 1998 to present. Kate, however, never had the deep sexiness of Sophie Ridge though, her well toned legs tentatively teasing under her news desk or that slight husky tone to her voice. Sunday with Sophie Ridge on Sky is a dream most would drag their bollocks over two miles of glass to even get a whiff of her delicately perfumed skyjina. As for Sarah Jane Mee, it’s more like ‘meh’. Lest we forget the gargantuan sometimes cutting tones of Beth Rigby, who maybe twenty years ago was a goer but today a bit of a mower,” one viewer commented.

You Don’t Like the Prices? Stop Fucking Spending Money

0

In a mass consumerist consumption society people are programmed from birth to death to spend their money on useless shit. You are not only conditioned to be a tax slave but a spender; a cash cow consumer in a consumerist farm.

Can you break out of your programming to spend your money on useless tat that you accumulate over the period of your life? Well, in times of serious hyperinflation engineered to squeeze the consumer, you can overcome the indoctrination by simply not spending anymore money than is necessary for basic survival.

Because of the punishing system that was created to profit off your pitiful life’s labour as a tax cow consumerist worker bee, it will be initially painful for you to extricate yourself, but with some focused application and considered will power as well as knowledge one can push through the programming.

It’s quite easy really. STOP BUYING SHIT!

If everyone stopped buying stuff they don’t really need, then things would definitely change. Stop going to the cinema, stop paying for overpriced package holidays, stop shopping for crap. Take away their power to profit off you, and only then will they listen.

However, not spending money on shit does not mean you should not be a Squib patron. Remember, your patronage will be for a good cause, the cause of this wonderful site staying up to annoy people everywhere. Plus…you get some great goodies too if you join.

Digital Inspiration From Cannes

As a source of inspiration Cannes is almost too rich – it can take weeks to absorb and unpack everything you saw and heard. The sheer volume of award-winning work is overwhelming. Nevertheless, we decided to round up a handful of digital pieces that appealed directly to us. Not necessarily all Gold winners, but projects that captured our imagination.

The first was a big winner, however. “Long Live the Prince” from Engine UK won the Titanium Grand Prix. We’ve written about it before, but there’s no escaping its emotional power. A schoolboy soccer prodigy who was killed aged 15 in a senseless act of knife violence is magically returned to life 15 years on, so we can find out what his life might have been.

Staying in the Titanium category for a moment, here’s a fun but useful project from Ogilvy India. How do you get the world’s biggest movie star to advertise thousands of small businesses around the country? With a dash of AI open-source wizardry that allowed anyone to tap into his charisma – all thanks to Cadbury.

There were many worthy winners in the Digital Craft category. We’re big fans of “DojaCode” from Mojo Supermarket in New York, which won a Silver. The campaign encourages girls to learn how to code, by tapping directly into pop culture and revealing the first ever “code-able” music video.

Meanwhile, “Audiotorial”, from RGA in London, brought Google together with The Guardian newspaper in a project for the Royal National Institute of Blind People. What does using the internet feel like for blind and partially-sighted people? And how could it be adapted to their needs? The project is both a solution and an awareness-raising campaign.

Another fascinating project is the Black Elevation Map, for the travel brand Black & Abroad, which won a Creative Data Gold. It uses data visualization to create a map that highlights important locations of Black culture, from historic sites to Black-owned business, restaurants and galleries. It includes 12 city guides and 10 national guides. The film for the project is simply a joy to watch.

There’s no question that the creative use of data is changing travel. For one thing, it can draw our attention to sites or towns that we might have missed, by targeting us through GPS and social media. The idea below has a social benefit, too, as it encourages drivers to take a rest on long journeys. And we mean long – the campaign hails from Australia.

Difficult to do a round-up of striking creative work without including Burger King at some point, so let’s finish with the “Burger Glitch” from Ogilvy Worldwide. The case film is a celebrity-packed treat – and you’ll also hear the word of the year at Cannes: “metaverse”.

Of course there were many more winners, and we urge you to browse our showcase. It was good to be back “live” in Cannes. See you next year.

Jarvis Cocker’s Back “I Need the Money”

Everybody loves the Jarvis, and guffy moments at the Brit Awards wafting farts around at Michael Jackson’s pomposity, are 90s moments to cherish. Shoe gazing at Outsider Art festivals obviously doesn’t pay, and sooner or later the royalties dry up.

The 90s were the years before the internet really took off, and the last vestiges of the old music biz model with it. Once music became a throwaway mp3 that could be downloaded for free and not distributed by controlled channels for record companies, then the entire business model fell through the floor.

We can’t begrudge 90s acts like Jarvis Cocker’s Pulp doing a reunion run of festivals or whatever to refresh memories of the one’s who were there, and maybe convert some millennials to their music.

Between a choice of some awful autotuned template crap song around today sung by some automaton with zero character and Pulp we will take the latter any day.

The music biz today is just run by robots and the music is thus performed by programmed bots who have zero talent in any way.

Bring back the 90s.

IPCC: Vegans Contributing to Anthropogenic Global Warming

0

In a shock IPCC Special Report, senior scientist Professor Gunta Koff explained that a vegan diet, with its increased fibre content and reduced amino acid breakdown processes, results in a higher than average methane production in humans.

“Of course we all know that herbivores, most commonly cattle, produce a significant amount of methane as a result of their breakdown of cellulose … but the vegan diet has become a serious threat to our climate with humans now on a par with cattle in terms of methane release” Dr Koff stated.

“My team started noticing increased atmospheric methane several years ago and correlated it with the increase in vegetarianism. Most recently, in collaborative work with the US Dept of Health, we recognized that a severe up tick in methane, in the past 2 years, was directly proportional to the increased popularity of veganism” Dr Koff elaborated.

The US Department of Environment, Washington, alongside the Institute for Dioxin Isotope and Ozone Treatment (IDIOT), has suggested some controversial means for reducing methane release:

1. Encouraging cannibalism amongst cattle and hoofed animals … farmers should offer livestock juicy steaks as an alternative to animal feed, thereby reducing cellulose intake.

2. Surgically attaching gas collection devices (aka fart bags) to cattle and, more controversially, those less mobile human beings, such as the elderly and infirmed, selling the flammable gas on to the National Grid.

A spokesperson from Vegans Unite countered, “this is a load of hot air from the IPCC…this unsubstantiated claim will blow over soon.”

Curtis Press