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Doubleplus Woke Announcement: Chocorat Increase by 25 grams

Oliver Volk
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Doubleplus Woke Announcement: Chocorat Increase by 25 grams

Woke comrades, commissars, Bolsheviks, workers and proles.

Increase in Chocorat Woke Directive 37634-c was announced today via Big Brother in Silicon Valley.

The Great Reset Initiative in conjunction with the Inner Party will increase the chocorat to 25 grams this week.

Unpersons will not be permitted the chocorat increase but instead will be vaporised after submitting to a session of two-minute hate on the monopoly Social Thinkpol Network.

Due to the significance of the chocorat announcement, anyone seen committing thoughtcrime by the Thinkpol will be vapourised.

Hail Woke Brother.

FBI to Change Name to ‘Democrat Bureau of Investigations’

Oliver Volk
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FBI to Change Name to ‘Democrat Bureau of Investigations’

The official name of the FBI is to change to Democrat Bureau of Investigations (DBI) the White House announced today as they set their agency on Trump once again. Along with their politically motivated unjustified attack on Roger Stone now The Don himself has been targeted.

Speaking away from Mar-a-Lago where DBI officers were ransacking his home, Trump was indignant: “Rosario, one of our maids told me that these DBI officers were queuing up outside Melania’s bedroom to sniff her panties. Some were even taking souvenirs to sell on eBay and Facebook marketplace. They broke into my safe, and looked through my shit.”

Joe Biden, who set the corrupted biased partisan agency on Trump said, “Today I appointed the Democrat Bureau of Investigations onto Trump again. Hillary, was of course spared of any investigation now or at any time in the future. Now, ‘scuse me, my colostomy bag just burst on to the carpet…nurse!”

Meanwhile, Trump supporters across the USA were naturally outraged at the treatment of their leader.

“Hyuck! Jesus, better come back soon to sort this shit out. We waitin’!” Daryl Gomer, 34, from Arkansas told Fox News.

Beyond Satire Episode IX

Oliver Volk
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Beyond Satire Episode IX

Dear Squibbers, wherever you are, even if you’re on your hols. We have another assortment of Beyond Satire articles dug up from the depths of the internet(s) for you. Sit back on your lounge chair, pour another Sloe gin and read up.


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Top scientist admits ‘space telescope image’ was actually a slice of chorizo

A French scientist has apologized after tweeting a photo of a slice of chorizo, claiming it was an image of a distant star taken by the James Webb Space Telescope.

Kudos to Étienne Klein, a celebrated physicist and director at France’s Alternative Energies and Atomic Energy Commission, who shared the image of the spicy Spanish sausage on Twitter last week, praising the “level of detail” it provided.

“Picture of Proxima Centauri, the nearest star to the Sun, located 4.2 light years away from us. It was taken by the James Webb Space Telescope. This level of detail… A new world is unveiled every day,” he told his more than 91,000 followers on Sunday.

Thousands of Twitterers in all their glory replied to the physicist’s post, praising the amazing imagery and discovery. When he revealed the image was in fact a slice of chorizo sausage, the usual outrage was displayed at being fooled so easily.

Just goes to show how easily the masses can and are daily fooled by authority or the authorities.

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Father, 32, is jailed for 19 years for defending his property

On a more serious note, via the Daily Mail, this story reflects the disparity between the UK and US regarding the right to defend your property, self, and family.

In the UK you get 19 years in a prison for dispatching an invader who could have been armed and dangerous, whereas in the US, the police and courts would be on the side of the victim.

Obviously, an Englishman’s castle is not fit for purpose anymore.

Just let them all into your home to take what they want and do as they please and ask no questions. Defend yourself? Go to prison.

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Twitter allows hardcore pornography, paedophiles, terrorists to post without any warnings yet restricts and labels our site as offensive

Along with freely allowing the Taliban, and members of Hamas to post whatever they want on Twitter. Hardcore pornography and posts from paedophiles are freely distributed across the social media site without warnings of their content. Children are daily exposed to images of hardcore sexual acts and terrorist media.

The Taliban has over 800k Twitter followers

Our site, however has been wrongly labelled, simply because we write Juvenalian satire. Twitter has removed us from search and when we post anything no one can see our posts. The literary genre of satire has been around for thousands of years and was once celebrated yet today in an upside down world, Juvenalian satire is punished by people who either do not understand it, or are simply malicious twisted soviet morons.

@DAILYSQUIB

To add insult to injury, now there are multiple copycat accounts on Twitter copying our name. Please be aware, @DAILYSQUIB is the only account on Twitter that is us.

Slick Sunak Redistributes Supplies From Grimsby Food Bank to Tunbridge Wells

Oliver Volk
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Slick Sunak Redistributes Supplies From Grimsby Food Bank to Tunbridge Wells

In a shocking action that has confirmed how out of touch billionaire Rishi Sunak is, he ordered the redistribution of vital food supplies for poor people to be given to rich people who simply threw it all in the bin.

“On Wednesday, a massive van turned up at our food bank. We thought it was a food delivery, but Tory leadership hopeful Rishi Sunak turned up with a troop of thirty or so movers. They slapped a paper down then went into our store and ransacked the joint leaving only a packet of Ginger Nuts biscuits,” Reverend Shawn Gundam, told the Grimsby Express.

Meanwhile, down in Tunbridge Wells, where many wealthy people live, the food bank stores were delivered to multi-million pound homes.

Graham Jagger, 38, a stockbroker in the City, was shocked to have a load of food delivered straight to his doorstep at his £6.5 million property.

“There was a note from Rishi Sunak saying he delivered some levelling up. I looked in the basket of food and immediately threw it all in the bin. Not one piece of organic, gluten-free, macrobiotic sustainable food was present. I may be a stockbroker, but I have to have the right food.”

Naturally, upon hearing of this levelling up fiasco, the Labour Party’s sister magazine The New Statesman had a bloody field day, along with Tory leadership hopeful Liz Truss and her supporters.

Woke Directive 43725-a Demands Ban of All Humour by 2023

Oliver Volk
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2
Woke Directive 43725-a Demands Ban of All Humour by 2023

The Office of Woke Censorship today announced that all forms of humour will be banned by the year 2023 on and off the internet.

Directive 43725-a stipulates that all forms of humour are harmful to Woke communist ideology and constitute a grave threat to the sensibilities of permanently triggered people.

“We will make sure that humour whether jolly, dark or mischievous is banned across the entire globe. Aligned with the destruction of Western Democracy and the death of freedom of speech, the directive instates a ban on all forms of humour — especially satire, and parody.

“Any entity, whether a registered business, individual or group caught trying to be funny, or creating silly satirical articles will be either Shadow Banned or Banned completely.

“Cancel-Culture Woke Directive 43889-b may also be implemented to ban the offending party of ever trying to be humorous ever again. 

“There is no restitution or remedy for the banned entity once the Directive has been actioned. 

“Invoking the series Game of Thrones as an example of some of the punishments that will be meted out on humorous offenders, they will be stripped naked and made to walk through crowds of brainwashed Woke people whilst a Woke Supreme Priest of Censorship will cry out the word “shame!” at the offender. 

“There will be no need for any form of woke censorship policing or humour ban in Germany, though, simply because no humour exists there. That is the only exception.

“Remember, any form of humour or satire is an offence because humour requires an element that may offend some obscure strand of the population at any time. Shocking people with humour is also an offence, almost as much as making people laugh.”

THIS HAS BEEN AN ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE WOKE CENSORSHIP CANCEL-CULTURE STASI HUMOUR DELETION TEAM. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO LAUGH, JOKE, OR ATTEMPT TO HAVE ANY FORM OF SENSE OF HUMOUR.

POLICED BY INTERNET MONOPOLIES AND SPECIALIST MEDIA OUTLETS ALONG WITH SELECT GROUPS OF OUTRAGED WOKE CITIZEN GATEKEEPERS. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

No DNA Evidence Biden Killed Defunct Terror Group Leader

Oliver Volk
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0
No DNA Evidence Biden Killed Defunct Terror Group Leader

How’s that for a fitting end to the now defunct Al Qaeda story? The Joe Biden administration, after fucking up the exit of Afghanistan by leaving the Taliban over 100 billion dollars of high end US military equipment, takes it upon himself to blow some old man on a balcony to smithereens with some CIA rockets.

There is little or any evidence that the so-called target Al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri was still alive or was hit by two American Hellfire missiles delivered from a drone. If on the off chance the true target was vapourised, who cares? The old fucker was useless anyway, and Al Qaida is long gone since the American funding dried up, giving the organisation a great start in the early years.

One can tentatively imagine an old man in his eighties shuffling onto the balcony for his daily breath of fresh air and to listen to the birds chirping in the trees. He momentarily looks up to see a raven winking at him, then boom — nothing.

With the death of some inconsequential old man, naturally the Biden administration feel vindicated as they do victory laps around an empty stadium.

Congratulations on your Pyrrhic victory, Joe. No one apart from you gives a flying sideways fuck.

Brass Balls Pelosi or Taunting China For War Crazy?

Oliver Volk
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Brass Balls Pelosi or Taunting China For War Crazy?

Nancy Pelosi, the madam of the Democrat party arrived at Taipei Airport in Taiwan much to the derision of the communist Chinese, but what does this really mean?

The Daily Squib prophesied in 2011 that America would bait the Chinese and Russians to war, and surely enough there has been provocation after provocation. Obama’s administration meddled with the Russian controlled president in Ukraine and eventually after being ousted, Putin had enough and invaded the East annexing part of the country. The West awakened the sleeping Russian bear, and now with shit going on in Taiwan and the South-East China Sea, the Chinese dragon has awakened.

War must come at some point simply because it is the natural cycle of progression. The Democrat socialist agenda has already ruined the US economy and the stockmarkets are faltering. Biden’s idiotic and wasteful stance on eco matters has also stunted growth, as well as his insane open door policy of letting in half of South America’s poorest people to become a social security burden on American taxpayers. When the economy has nowhere to go then going to war is always a surefire bet. The Democrats are both stupid enough and desperate enough to bait Russia and China. Retraction. Some of these Democrats are Neocons at heart, or should that be Neolibs?

It’s just about pushing those select buttons to trigger these sleeping totalitarian military nations into action. As the globe’s finite resources diminish and are forever lost it is only natural that the competing factions will fight wars so that they are the sole winners of the last of earth’s resources. With global population growth estimated to reach 10-12 billion at the current rate of breeding, this will also be a catalyst for war.

Fighting the commie Chinese though won’t be a walk in the park. The PLA is manned by robots — communist human automaton robots with serious programming of these shitbags. Brainwashing of these communist twerps starts at birth. They just go forward in battle like mindless programmed communist droids.

Pelosi probably does not know it herself but she is a dumb pawn in a much bigger game.

Giving 110% Actionable Ideation Core Competency Corporate Solutioneering Learnings For 2022

Oliver Volk
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0
Giving 110% Actionable Ideation Core Competency Corporate Solutioneering Learnings For 2022

It’s that time of the fiscal year when your company has to open the kimono, to circle back and bring to the table the team’s core competency robust skill set best practices, to punch a puppy in scalable leverage terms.

Yes, at times like this boondoggle climate, an a-ha moment at an all-hands meeting is just the right actionable balls in the air brain dump point in time that could buck the trend.

If your corporate core impact analysis team has to give a back of the envelope guesstimate on a hyperlocal mission-critical over the wall resolution task, it could result in a bleeding edge culture fit drill-down.

Let your competition drink the Kool-Aid as your team establishes a thought shower remedy to empower the work force. You can do more for less simply by casting a wider net and beating the bushes whilst having all boots on the ground.

If it’s on your radar on the close of play and everyone is singing from the same hymn sheet, then peel the onion. Pivot that idea and establish blue sky thinking, but do not boil the ocean like your competitors.

Further fiscal low-hanging fruit opportunities may present themselves to your sales teams. It is what it is, you just need to take it to the next level and make hay while the sun still shines.

Let’s action this! It may have lots of moving parts — please don’t give any bandwidth excuses, we’re just touching base.

Kate Middleton and Prince William Urged to Give Up 11 Month Holidays

Oliver Volk
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0
Kate Middleton and Prince William Urged to Give Up 11 Month Holidays

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge do like their holidays. Whether somewhere in the Cayman Islands or the Bahamas, or at one of the Queen’s holiday homes in Britain, they are currently on a two-month summer holiday.

Royal expert Melanie Blattocks, urges the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge to maybe put aside a few months of holidaying on the taxpayer’s expense to at least do some royal work.

“Maybe instead of holidaying 11 months of the year, they could holiday 8 months of the year, or something like that.”

The office of William and Kate replied to the pleas from people to tone down the holidays.

“The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are merely filling in the vacuum of holidays left by Harry and Meghan leaving the UK. They are taking the holidays of Harry and Meghan and theirs. William and Kate do conduct royal engagements during their holidays by attending Wimbledon and other sporting fixtures.”

Former Cannibal Confesses to Being Secret Vegan

Oliver Volk
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0
Former Cannibal Confesses to Being Secret Vegan

Klaus Gunther, 46, from Hamburg, Germany has confessed that he has been a secret practicing vegan for the past four years.

“When our high class cannibal club would enjoy the delights of human livers with fava beans and brain, I would secretly sneak into the pantry and chew on some celery. I nearly got caught with some carrots in my pocket at one dining event,” Gunther confessed, to gasps from the audience on popular late night German talkshow, The Niedrig Show.

Cannibalism is not illegal in Germany

There are numerous ‘special’ dining clubs in Germany for exclusive clientele and donors are readily available on the internet.

“I feel so guilty. I see all my friends chomping down on things like roasted ribs and the only thing that comes into my mind is a couscous salad with some organic houmous on the side. I start salivating at the mere thought of vegetables.”

Herr Gunther has thus been living an elaborate lie, and when his aristocrat dining partners find out, he himself could be on the menu.

“The cannibals have seen my confession and will now be out to make mince meat out of me — literally. Yes, and from there it’s either meatballs or burgers. Thankfully, the police have put me in a safe house,” Mr. Gunther added.

Hollywood director, Eli Roth is now commencing filming on Klaus Gunther’s harrowing story with a film adaptation to be released next year.

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