Pope Benedict XVI Visits Britain

The former Hitler Youth member has been gracing the UK with his un-holy presence for three days now.

“When he walks around we have noticed strange things happening. Like some of the birds will drop out of the trees stone cold dead. Animals whimper in his presence and especially the children. Oh my lord the poor children. When the Pope is around the look of fear in their poor eyes is terrible. It’s as if they all know something we do not,” Keith Robertson, chief supervisor for the Pope’s UK visit told the Telegraph.

It is rumoured that Pope Benedict has a penchant for spending days in the catacombs and crypts hidden underneath the Vatican where daily clandestine rituals take place.

He is rarely seen outside in public, but when he is, he scares people with his diabolical grin and sinister stare.

The many children and goats that are ferried into Vatican City every week are never seen again and people are slowly beginning to wonder what is going on.

Visitors to the Vatican catacombs are usually distinguished members of the hierarchy and have included Tony Blair, Franco Zeffirelli, Queen Elizabeth, George W Bush, the late Michael Jackson, Alan Greenspan as well as old hands like Henry Kissinger and Satan.

Speaking at a Hyde Park vigil of prayer, the Pope said: “I urge you all to embrace the Catholic Church. I have said sorry for the abuse at the hands of Catholic priests, please let us forget about all that for now. I am so sorry that they got caught. Now, let’s all carry on as if nothing ever happened.”

On Friday, the Pope visited Westminster cathedral, where it was reported that he inspected the choir to see if they were up to the same standard as his boys back in Rome.