US Marine Wins Annual Iraqi Puppy Toss Contest

The 5th Iraqi Puppy Toss Contest was held this year in Samarra, an Iraqi religious hotspot about 124 km north of Baghdad. The event was a huge success for the American troops attending.

“This is how we keep our men’s morale up. It’s a hard job killing and shooting innocent civilians every day. This way the men get to unwind for a few hours by hurling little defenceless puppies over cliffs instead of defenceless Iraqi civilians,” Major Christian Portman told the Daily Squib.

The occupying US soldiers are notorious in Iraq for treating Iraqis like sub-human Untermenschen and it is no surprise that they do not treat defenceless animals any better.

George W Bush and his paymaster industrialists are also responsible for the largest displacement of peoples in the Middle East in a thousand years, the deaths of millions of Iraqi civilians and the largest spread of depleted uranium in recorded history.

The Puppy Toss competition began at midday. Under the beating Iraqi sun a troop of Marines and assorted army personnel descended to the edge of the cliff where the competition was to be held.

Private Meat Johnsons is up first and tosses a whimpering little white puppy into the ravine. He manages a 40 yard throw and is top of the leaderboard.

Next, Sergeant Pat McGraw steps up and tosses a little Labrador all of 30 yards into the deep ravine. He is behind the leader now.

It is now the turn of Lance Corporal David Motari who tosses with confidence a little puppy called Sonny 50 yards to win the prize.

The black-and-white puppy makes a yelping sound as it flies through the air towards its certain demise.

The audience of assembled marines lap up the show and pat the triumphant Lance Corporal on the back dubbing him a credit to the USMC.

Dick Cheney, who regularly tosses puppies in the air on shooting trips, addressed the competition winners from a satellite broadcast later on in the day:

“The United States is proud of you guys for your bravery and courage. It takes a lot to do all the things you guys do while we profit off misery and pain,” said the former chief executive of Halliburton, who still has not exercised his massive stock options. He then lit a huge cigar and started laughing maniacally.

The winner of the US Marine competition was awarded a puppy-shaped trophy and given $250 as prize money so he can buy some more hookers when he gets back to base.