17.7 C
London
Friday, November 22, 2024
secret satire society
HomeHealthHalal News: Everyone in UK is Now a Muslim

Halal News: Everyone in UK is Now a Muslim

BRADFORD - England - Cottage pie? Lamb chops? How about some Beef Wellington or a Bedfordshire clanger, well it's all Halal now and that means you're a Muslim.

 

“If you eat Halal meat you are adhering to the Muslim religious laws, therefore be a good Muslim now, do eat up your food, that’s a good chap,” Abdul Al-Haq, a Pakistani Muslim from Britain’s Good Cuisine Guide revealed today.

In fact it’s hard to find any meat in the UK now that is not Halal.

Hamza Khaleeq Elsingham, the UK’s Minister of Food, reveals that eating Islamic food is good for you: “You will feel closer to Allah every day. Don’t forget to eat up your greens also, of course you can still have your mushy peas and gravy.”

Some English citizens are however having second thoughts about the Halal meat, Beresford Smith, an accountant from Cricklewood, who is a devout Christian, told the Daily Mail: “I ate my cottage pie last night for dinner. In the morning, I noticed a large bushy beard had grown on my chin. I then had this irresistible urge to kneel on my carpet and pray to Allah. By 11am I was at Tesco’s looking for four more wives, my current wife Deirdre was not too happy about it, she’s a vegan.”

  Daily Squib Book

  DAILY SQUIB BOOK The Perfect Gift or can also be used as a doorstop. Grab a piece of internet political satire history encapsulating 15 years of satirical works. The Daily Squib Anthology REVIEWS: "The author sweats satire from every pore" | "Overall, I was surprised at the wit and inventedness of the Daily Squib Compendium. It's funny, laugh out loud funny" | "Would definitely recommend 10/10" | "This anthology serves up the choicest cuts from a 15-year reign at the top table of Internet lampoonery" | "Every time I pick it up I see something different which is a rarity in any book"
- Advertisment -

NEWS ON THE HOUR

MORE NEWS

THE DAILY SQUIB ANTHOLOGY

The definitive book of Juvenalian satire and uncanny prophesies that somehow came true. This is an anthology encompassing 15 years of Squib satire on the internet compiled and compressed into one tiddly book. Buy the Book Now!