Deadly Cucumbers Get Revenge on Humanity

BILBAO - Spain - They've been sliced, diced and brutally had their skins peeled for too long, but now cucumbers are fighting back on the human population.

By Roberto Treblinka

May 31, 2011

/cucumbers_360_663840703.jpg — A farm worker shows a captured cucumber after it has been cut in half

“These are killer cucumbers. We cannot be complacent here. All it takes is a cucumber in a sandwich or a salad and you’re dead. They’ve got us on the run,” an EU food standards official told Bild newspaper in Germany.

Many have now succumbed to the killer cucumbers and are either still in hospital seriously ill or even worse — dead.

“I swear I heard one of the cucumbers I bought from the supermarket the other day sniggering as I took it out of the bag. Luckily I only ate a few slices of the sucker before I read a news story about all the people getting killed by cucumbers,” Helen Vorgens, a resident of Hamburg, Germany, where over 40 people have died from eating killer cucumbers.

EU officials are now warning citizens about tomatoes.

“Killer cucumbers are evil, but if you add a killer tomato into the mix, you get one fucked up salad,” Josef Rasslinger, the EU’s food minister told Reuters.

Daily Squib Book

DAILY SQUIB BOOK The Perfect Gift or can also be used as a doorstop. Grab a piece of internet political satire history encapsulating 15 years of satirical works. The Daily Squib Anthology REVIEWS: "The author sweats satire from every pore" | "Overall, I was surprised at the wit and inventedness of the Daily Squib Compendium. It's funny, laugh out loud funny" | "Would definitely recommend 10/10" | "This anthology serves up the choicest cuts from a 15-year reign at the top table of Internet lampoonery" | "Every time I pick it up I see something different which is a rarity in any book"