Americans Open New Socialism Theme Park

Built in America’s heartland the American Socialism Theme Park welcomes all Americans for fun filled sombre times.

The desolate socialist landscape extends over America, and ever since Barack Obama came into power, the effects of socialism have seen a drastic reduction in the quality of life for the everyday American; this has been meticulously reproduced in the newly built ‘Socialism Theme Park’ situated just a short ride from I-94, fifth exit, northbound.

The socialist theme park’s warden, Karl Jenkem explains what attendees can expect when taking the whole family to the theme park:

“When you walk through the gates of the Socialism Theme Park, you are immediately told to empty all the money and any items of value you may have on your person into a black plastic bag by a man wearing an Obama clown mask. These items are then kept never to be seen again. Revellers are then told to undress completely, given special theme park uniforms and ordered to join a massive queue stretching for miles. Once they get to the front of that queue they are told to join another queue which is even longer. Do not be alarmed, there is one Obamacare doctor per 40,000 theme park attendees, so if you faint or fall down during the queuing session which may take days, you will be taken to a makeshift tent and refused medicine because it’s too expensive. If you have any complaints, you will be issued a free Obamaphone where you can protest as much as you want, but there will be no answer at the end of the line.

“Throughout the extended queuing process masked ‘Knockout’ gangs of young people will be deployed to randomly knock out any theme park attendee that either doesn’t look right, isn’t paying attention or looks weaker than anyone else. Beware, the thugs patrol in gangs and can appear out of nowhere moving swiftly, preferring to strike from the back when you are most vulnerable.

“If you get to the end of the second queue alive you will be shoved forcefully down a water slide at the bottom of which you will be told to sign away any pension, shares, bank account or property you own. You will then be taken into a dark room where there will be a sparse single light bulb. TSA officials will then give you a full internal body search and tell you that it is for your own good.

“During the exciting theme park adventure, people will be promised a job so they can feed their families. This will of course never materialise but hope is one of the many features of your time at the camp, ahem, I mean theme park. Please do not try to escape Socialism Theme Park at any time as the park’s perimeter is not only patrolled by attack dogs and armed guards, but autonomous killer drones from the air that can deploy missiles to blow you into tiny little charred pieces.

“Two henchmen will then appear out of another door, grab you forcefully and dump you into an even darker room with a powerful spotlight directed at your face. An NSA interrogator will appear from another door. He will tell you all about your internet surfing history, social networking data, smartphone conversations, financial transactions, what type of toothpaste you use and every minute detail of your life. He will then interrogate you to see if he can extract any more information from you that you may have held back. You will not be able to see the face of the goon interrogating you, but be warned, if you have any objections, you could be detained indefinitely in another Obamacare Education Center at an undisclosed location.

“In the third dark room you will be put in front of a screen and told to watch a gun re-education video. If you refuse to watch this, a woman with a Feinstein mask will appear from a secret door and start shrieking like a banshee, she will then put a gun to your head with a single bullet in the cylinder. She will spin the cylinder, then shout at you to pull the trigger. If you survive this ordeal, you will be told to renounce guns and taken to another room. If you choose to still refuse to renounce guns, you will be handed back the gun for continued Russian roulette sessions until the gun finally goes off.

“If you survive the third room, you will then be taken to a medical Obamacare area to have a tracking chip placed under your skin and you will be given a number. You will then hear an announcement: ‘Your time at America’s Socialism Theme Park is nearly over, we hope you have enjoyed your stay here, please exit from one of three doors, choose wisely’. What the theme park attendee will not know is that all three doors lead to one place, yes you’ve guessed it, a FEMA camp, a place which you will never leave — alive.”

Entry to the new theme park is free for all Americans. The park will be officially opened in March 2014. Please bring the whole family for fun times.