Rachel Reeves: “I’m having a wonderful time in China!”

The Chancellor Rachel Reeves has revealed she is having a wonderful time in China.

“Thanks to the wonderful hospitality of the Chinese Communist Party, I have been having an absolutely fabulous time in China. I was flown over in a private jet, where I enjoyed a marvellous lobster and champagne lunch. On arrival, a very big limousine picked me up from the runway, and a little Chinaman picked up all my luggage, all 43 pieces.

“I was then driven to a five-star hotel in Beijing which is only used by high ranking CCP members. It’s so great to see equality in communism being exercised. The driver pressed some new fangly hidden button or something or rather, and a chilled champagne bottle rose up from a compartment, along with a champagne glass.

“Arriving at the 5-star Exclusive CCP hotel, I was greeted by all these little hotel staff people running around me, some took my luggage, others wiped my brow, and the hotel manager herself showed me the suite booked for me on the top floor.

“I’ve got an infinity pool in my room. I’ve got a foot massage booked at 2pm, and a full body massage with aromatic oils performed by the hotel’s best masseuse, Madam Kinky booked for 3pm. I actually prefer the gentle touch of women, and it will sate my feminist ideals. Not only that, but I look forward to it with hot anticipation, hmm, I wonder why my knickers are getting so wet?

“I check my emails from the UK. I immediately shut it all off, I’m on holiday, I must not think of the awful UK, a despicable place I detest with a vengeance. Oh, it feels like such a far distant memory. I take another sip of champers and continue to enjoy my Chinese holiday in the infinity pool. This is bliss. I’m loving it.”