I’m a Cruise Ship Worker…These are the SIX Things Smart Passengers Always do Onboard

• Cruise ship worker Janice Munklehouse, 21, has been working on cruise ships for 38 years

A cruise ship worker has shared the six things that ‘smart’ passengers always do when they come aboard for their holiday.

Janice Munklehouse, 21, from Grimisbury on Thames, Lincolnshire worked on cruise ships for 38 years, and regularly shares advice for passengers and crew on her Cruising Da Seas Innit YouTube channel.

Now, she has shared how passengers can make the most of their voyage with her own expert tips.

Read on below for the six top tips she had for cruise passengers.

Don’t fall overboard whilst boarding the ship

Kicking off with the first piece of advice to get ahead of the game while travelling on a cruise, Janice said people should always avoid falling overboard whilst boarding the cruise ship.

She said that, it is best to arrive at the destination of your cruise embarkation point “as early as possible”, suggesting a late arrival may mean you rush to board the ship loaded with luggage and fall into the sea.

While the cruise ship worker said that many people avoid drowning or being crushed by other boats in the harbour, she has seen many passengers falling off the boarding ramp in a rush to board the ship.

“One fella comically tried to jump over 17 feet because he was late for the cruise. He was summarily chewed up in the propellers, but his cruise ticket and hairbrush were thankfully recovered by a fisherman 6 months later in the stomach of a Mako shark.”

Don’t jump off the ship when it’s cruising

Moving on to her next tip, Janice encouraged passengers to not jump off the ship when it was cruising in the ocean.

Janice said jumping off the cruise ship whilst moving would not be very nice for the passenger. She said that: “Jumping into the ocean from your ultra-luxury cruise line would mean that you miss a lot of activities on board like karaoke, disco night and various themed buffets”.

She said that, while it may be tempting to jump from the deck of your cruise ship to avoid all the old codgers and nouveau riche arseholes, bad things could happen to you in the open ocean hundreds of miles from shore.

Don’t fall off the ship

The cruise worker highlighted the potential dangers of falling off the ship. If passengers wear inadequate footwear or lean over the edge of the ship, they could slip and fall into the ocean, which would not be such a good cruise ship experience.

Don’t get pushed off the ship

Janice’s fourth piece of advice for how to be a smart passenger when going on a cruise concerned not being pushed off the ship.

She urged anyone looking to enjoy their holiday cruise to avoid being pushed over the side of the ship into the ocean by some nutter on board or an angry crew member.

During her 38 years working on cruise ships, Janice says she has witnessed a number of crew members who have had to push annoying passengers overboard for being arseholes.

She warned that many passengers end up in the ocean because the crew have simply had enough. There’s only so much a crew member can take, so don’t be an arse and get on everyone’s tits.

Don’t fall out of your cabin window

The cruiser worker’s penultimate tip of six urged holidaymakers not to open the cabin window and hang over the edge, especially when drunk out of their minds on cheap watered-down booze.

Elaborating on this point, she suggested it would always be best to simply use the cabin window to look at the ocean and not to jump into the water from it.

Janice remarked: “You may run the risk of getting eaten by sharks, or simply drowning”.

Don’t fall off the ramp whilst disembarking

Her final piece of advice for how to be a smart passenger when disembarking a cruise ship concerned not falling off the ramp into the polluted, dangerous waters at port.

Janice suggested this could be potentially very dangerous for the passenger.

She said: “The reason you want to decide on these things before you disembark is because if you fall overboard, things could get rather messy. I once saw an elderly passenger ingest an entire humungous turd in one gulp when she fell in the water near a sewage outflow pipe”.

The veteran cruise worker also said that avoiding falling or jumping off a cruise ship should be a priority for most passengers, but naturally some were just born to do it. Once passengers disembarked, Janice admitted she and the crew were glad all the whinging fuckers had gone and hoped they would never be seen again — that is, until the next batch boarded the cruise ship for a trip they would surely regret for a lifetime.