Are you tired of the same old beach resorts? Bored of sipping piña coladas by the pool while the world burns? Well, pack your sunscreen and your sense of adventure, because we’ve got the ultimate 100 Free Tickets Holiday destination giveaway for you: Haiti! Yes, you’ve just hit the jackpot by reading this free all-inclusive Haiti holiday giveaway.
100 Free Tickets
That’s right, folks! Haiti, the Caribbean’s hottest (literally) vacation spot, is offering an all-inclusive experience like no other. Forget about those mundane luxury resorts with their infinity pools and spa treatments. In Haiti, we’ve got something better: adrenaline-pumping chaos, dismemberment, decapitation, lovely necklaces, heart-pounding danger, and a dash of political intrigue to keep you on your toes!
100 lucky winners will be put up in the all-inclusive minus 4-star hotel of Port-au-Prince called Le Guillotine. Enjoy the smoke filled views of marauding mobs burning people alive in the rubbish filled streets, and listen at night to the wonderful cacophony of bullets ricocheting off the hotel walls as well as the sounds of pure despair.
Why not saunter onto the balcony in the evening to witness the sun setting over the piles of bodies left to rot as the stray dogs sup on the corpses. Maybe you or your lucky partner may catch a bullet straight through the forehead. Well, count yourself lucky, you just checked out of the hotel, and life itself.
Your all-inclusive holiday will include no food or clean water, and you can forget about clean bedsheets or even a fucking mattress. Instead, revel in the authentic Haitian experience of sleeping on a blood and faeces splattered floor amongst other dead bodies whilst bullets whizz by your head all night.
Here’s what’s included in the Daily Squib once-in-a-lifetime all-inclusive Haitian getaway:
Escape Room Extravaganza: Ever wanted to break out of prison? Well, now’s your chance! Our armed groups have meticulously designed a series of thrilling escape rooms inside actual Haitian prisons. Dodge bullets, navigate crumbling walls, and outwit your fellow inmates. The adrenaline rush is free, but the bruises are extra. The reality of the experience will be that you will actually be arrested by corrupt Haitian police officers and held in a rioting prison until you each pay a ransom of $50,000 otherwise you will all be brutally raped and dismembered.
Midnight Curfew Crawl: Haiti’s government has graciously extended the state of emergency until April 3. But fear not! We’ve turned this inconvenience into a party. Join our nightly curfew crawl through the charming, brutal streets of Port-au-Prince. Dance to the rhythm of gunshots, and if you’re lucky, you might even witness a police station going up in flames or someone getting necklaced. Some great photos are to be taken for your Instagram page.
Gangster Spa Day: Unwind at our exclusive Gangster Spa. Enjoy a soothing massage while Jimmy “Barbecue” Cherizier himself serenades you with tales of his horrific butchery and genocidal crimes that will make you weep with agonised joy. Don’t worry, the massage oil is made from locally sourced tear gas or petrol. It’s invigorating!
VIP Political Instability Tour: Hop on our bulletproof bus and explore the scenic power vacuum left behind by the late President Jovenel Moise. Prime Minister Ariel Henry will personally guide you through the crisis of legitimacy. Ask him tough questions like, “Why haven’t you resigned yet?” and “Can I get a selfie with your resignation letter?”
Bas-Peu-de-Chose Bonfire Night: Witness the grand finale—a real police station set ablaze! Gather round as the flames lick the sky, and the aroma of burning bureaucracy fills the air. It’s like Coachella, but with more tear gas and less flower crowns.
To experience your once-in-a-lifetime FREE Holiday to Haiti with a one way ticket, just send a self-addressed-postcard to : DS Haiti Holiday Giveaway, P.O. Box 4831, Piccadilly Square, London, W1D 3QA, United Kingdom. Limited offer to 100 lucky people.
Looks like a great experience. I think I will give it a go. I m currently suicidal and want a novel way of dying.
Haiti peh! Ils sont pires que les animaux, en réalité, les animaux sont bien meilleurs que ces sous-espèces..