1. Avoid eye contact. My Dude: there is nothing more outwardly aggressive than treating a woman like she’s your equal. It’s an archaic practice—a slowly fading remnant of the patriarchy—an insult to her status as an object of your affection. If you must sneak a glance at her visage, do it quickly, and then return to shredding up cocktail napkins as you mutter incoherently.
2. Agree with every statement she makes. If she tells you that her shoes are killing her, tell her they’re killing you, too. If she tells you that they cost a fortune, tell her they were worth every penny. There is no shame in contradicting yourself. Actually, there is. See what I did there?
3. Apologize. Apologize. Apologize. Take responsibility for everything that has ever gone wrong in her life. If she bitches about the traffic, tell her “totes my bad.” If she says the salmon is delicious, say “I’m sorry I didn’t recommend it more highly.” If she tells you to stop apologizing so much, don’t fall for her trap, this is a test of your resolve. Push your bottom lip out as far as it will go and start whining like a puppy. In fact, this is a perfect opportunity to show off your baby-talk skills. In a whimpering moan, tell her: “aww, I’m sawwee.” Now go ahead and rehearse that a few times. There you go! Now you’re getting it!
4. Remember: backbone = turnoff. Whatever you do on this date, Homie, do it curled up in the fetal position. Pro-tip: pop a thumb in your mouth and give it a hickey. Chances are good that she won’t be able to resist cradling you in her arms—these are her primal instincts—it’s the same reason she refers to herself as ‘Mommy’ when she’s talking to her dog. As you nuzzle into her, listen closely: if you hear her humming and wishing you a sleepy-go-night-night, you can start patting yourself on the back—she’s DTF, bro—guaranteed.
5. Liken her to all the strong women in your life. Nothing gets the juices flowing like hearing some heart-warming anecdotes about your lesbian Aunt Trixie and her wild sense of abandon. Mega bonus: if the little lady has slathered herself with perfume, close your eyes, lift your nose and sniff. Then, unblinkingly and in your most delicate whisper, tell her it reminds you of that time you helped your Gram-Gram make her ‘extra-special’ pot-pourri.
6. Profess an affinity for self-proclaimed ‘sluts.’ My Man: no modern woman wants to feel like you’re sizing her up for a long-lasting and meaningful relationship. That sort of thing went out the window along with chastity-belts and witch-dunking, Your Piousness. Assure this little filly that you intend to ghost as quickly as possible. Think about it: the last thing she needs in her life is some asshole junking-up her Netflix algorithm.
7. Present her with a gift. Chocolate, flowers, jewellery—all fine and dandy (if you’re a chauvinist). If you really want to showcase your unrivalled sensitivity, have your ‘manhood’ prepared ahead of time by a professional taxidermist and wrap it all up in a fancy, red ribbon. She’ll appreciate the pluck. Pun intended.
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