17.7 C
London
Friday, November 22, 2024
secret satire society
HomeEntertainmentWhere Were You When Twilight Couple Pattinson and Stewart Split?

Where Were You When Twilight Couple Pattinson and Stewart Split?

LOS ANGELES - USA - Tragedy struck last week when Twilight film fans heard the terrible news that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart had split. Here are the harrowing stories from some of the fans.

“I’ll never forget that day, I had just washed my dad’s car and logged onto the net and I saw the news about Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart. I cried all day when I saw the horrible news, how could she?” John Lentle, 17, a High School football quarterback told the Arkley Chronicle in Tampa, Florida.

“The end of the world as we know it”

Jane Santorino, 15, from Las Quintas, California, was getting ready for her birthday party with her friends when they heard on the radio: “It was like oh my god, like how could this be happening? Oh my god, gag me with a .. Oh my god, we all started to cry. This is the worst news I ever heard in my life. We cancelled the birthday party and all sat around holding candles around a picture of Robert as we cried like f*cking babies.”

“The tragedy”

All over the world there have been tears of sorrow for the split couple.

Mary Silcott, 23, from Manchester, England, was indignant: “Kristin has stabbed us all in the back. I feel as if I am frozen in time. I cannot eat or drink. I cry constantly and my disbelief is slowly turning to anger. This has shattered my innocence and I am a basic shell of my former self.”

“Watching the world collapse around me”

“This is worse than a terrorist attack on home soil. I can’t eat anymore and all I do is stare at the wall hoping that they get back together,” Angela Hougnat, 19, from New York, told local news outlets.

“At school everyone cried,” another teenager told CNN.

One teen from California said: “The day I heard was the day the earth stood still.”

“Worldwide crisis talks”

Worldwide news stations have been running the terrible news on permanent loop for over a week now. America is in a state of mourning from this terrible Twilight terrorist attack creating fear and sadness amongst its youth.

There are calls from many for the United Nations to do something over the Twilight tragedy.

“I have called Ban Ki Moon, the UN Secretary General to solve this terrible tragedy with Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart,” a sympathetic Barack Obama revealed to NBC news.

  Daily Squib Book

  DAILY SQUIB BOOK The Perfect Gift or can also be used as a doorstop. Grab a piece of internet political satire history encapsulating 15 years of satirical works. The Daily Squib Anthology REVIEWS: "The author sweats satire from every pore" | "Overall, I was surprised at the wit and inventedness of the Daily Squib Compendium. It's funny, laugh out loud funny" | "Would definitely recommend 10/10" | "This anthology serves up the choicest cuts from a 15-year reign at the top table of Internet lampoonery" | "Every time I pick it up I see something different which is a rarity in any book"
- Advertisment -

NEWS ON THE HOUR

MORE NEWS

THE DAILY SQUIB ANTHOLOGY

The definitive book of Juvenalian satire and uncanny prophesies that somehow came true. This is an anthology encompassing 15 years of Squib satire on the internet compiled and compressed into one tiddly book. Buy the Book Now!