Entertainment

John Cleese in Cafe Breastfeeding Row

LONDON - England - John Cleese, English actor and comedian has been involved in a breastfeeding row at The Grosvenor café Soho.

Cleese said: “I noticed a baby crying in the arms of its mother as I ate my meal, and I said ‘ah poor thing, is your little one hungry?’”.

She told me he was, as she’d forgotten to bring his bottle. I said: “Well, madam you must emancipate the bosom upon your offspring the mother’s milk he requires – disembark the melon, it’s what nature intended.”

“What do you mean?” she said.

“Well lob the noisy brat on to one of your bulbous flesh balloons and tell him to suck, there’s a decent supply there by the looks of it, you know – a large tank.”

She told me I was being vulgar, so I said: “Madam, there’s nothing distasteful about breast
feeding in public these days, attitudes have changed, it’s perfectly natural, unleash the grapefruit without hesitation and hook his snapper on to one of your light switches.”

She told me I was being crude, so I said: “Madam, I’m merely pointing out that a hungry infant should not be deprived of the succulent milky nutrition it needs based on society’s taboos.

“Demonstrably satisfy the grateful recipient, unshackle the coconut and jam his chopper on to one of your coat hangers. Pump the stuff out like a dairy farm, don’t worry about me, I’m a modern man, besides we live in a different generation now.

“Stand up for womanhood, rebel against café protocol, what is more important? – providing a nutritious milk snack for your kid, or the authoritative prevention of a breastfeeding act that could cause an eating customer to vomit their meal all over the ceiling at the sight of it?

“If I had things my way every café in the world would abolish its policy on breastfeeding: six kids on each nipple, making slurping sounds so loud you’d need to bring a fucking megaphone to order your food – rivers of unrestrained semi-skimmed tit juice would flood the streets, canoeists yelling ‘avoid the double cream rapids!’”.

She said “Okay you vile man, have it your way!” – undoing her blouse.

I said “Hold on a minute darling, can’t you wait until I finish my spaghetti Bolognese?”

Daily Squib Book

DAILY SQUIB BOOK The Perfect Gift or can also be used as a doorstop. Grab a piece of internet political satire history encapsulating 15 years of satirical works. The Daily Squib Anthology REVIEWS: "The author sweats satire from every pore" | "Overall, I was surprised at the wit and inventedness of the Daily Squib Compendium. It's funny, laugh out loud funny" | "Would definitely recommend 10/10" | "This anthology serves up the choicest cuts from a 15-year reign at the top table of Internet lampoonery" | "Every time I pick it up I see something different which is a rarity in any book"
Disqus Comments Loading...
Share
Published by
Tags: celebrityuk

Recent Posts

WW3 WATCH: Why is Russia Mass Producing Nuclear Shelters?

MOSCOW - Russia - The Kremlin has ordered the mass production of nuclear shelters throughout…

22 mins ago

EXPERTS: “Net Zero” is Impossible to Achieve Unless…

LONDON - England - The Earthwise think tank has outlined why it is futile for…

2 hours ago

Netanyahu Forced to Travel in Disguise After ICC Puts Out Arrest Warrant

TEL AVIV - Israel - Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu may be forced to wear a…

12 hours ago

“Two Jags” John Prescott Goes to the Great Pie in the Abyss

HELL - The Eternal Inferno - "Two Jags" former Labour Deputy John Prescott will soon…

22 hours ago

Experts: How Peaceful Protest Against Labour Tyranny Can Work

LONDON - England - A think tank has outlined methods ordinary citizens can conduct peaceful…

1 day ago

Forget Bacon and Eggs Labour Want to Replace Traditional Farms With Maggot Farms

GRIMSBY - England - Labour is planning to completely exterminate and erase traditional farms, replacing…

2 days ago

This website uses cookies.