“It doesn’t matter that countries like China, India and America are pumping out huge amounts of toxic pollution into the earth’s atmosphere; we believe by not farting and reusing our shopping bags we can save the world too,” Bob Geldof, told a panel of scientists at Geneva’s annual Climate Change exhibition sponsored by Monsanto.
The concerted celebrity initiative will be similar to Live Aid and Live Earth, which helped fund a few African Ministers’ lavish lifestyles for a little while in the Eighties and later; as well as massage the egos/careers of the pop stars involved in the scam.
The fact that Ethiopia and most of East Africa never got out of extreme poverty and famine is neither here nor there, it looked good at the time and launched many pop careers off the suffering of starving poor black people.
“Every fart is a deadly weapon for the atmosphere, that’s why I use a plug in my arse and have the methane funnelled into a canister late at night. So far I have stored enough dangerous gaseous emissions from my arsehole to power 500,000 households for a year,” pop star Bono told the BBC.
Pop star Sting has already signed up to the new initiative as well as the likes of Madonna, Katie Price, Tom Cruise, the Beckhams and Jedward.
There are also plans for the gaseous emissions from celebrities mouths to be re-distributed and recycled.
“Most of the useless and dangerous gasses come from the mouths of the celebrities, in fact, their mouths and arses are pretty much the same thing, so there’s absolutely no difference there,” senior research scientist, Eduardo Paolozzi, told the Economist magazine.
The growing number of professional celebrities around, if they all direct their farts through little tubes to a main pipe, would surely produce about enough temperature and pressure to operate a hundred windmills producing electricity for the poor. Then those who make them celebrities could add to the Farton Collider for more. Then when the poor themselves break their own winds, after their usual period of starvation, there will be surplus energy for all The threat to climate change through fossils fuel pollution will be thus considerably reduced, by the massive release of neutrodonpaxoferil as a neutraliser of CO2, said to be present in the resulting compound, as an added bonus.